So my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a few days ago. I'd been having doubts about the relationship too even though he is wonderful, so I guess it was almost mutual. I am very sad our relationship has ended because it really was beautiful. But I have learnt a few things, and I got some pretty nice advice from these forums a while back so I thought I'd share. They're common questions/worries and they were big issues for me before breaking up, as I'd imagine they are for lots of people.

1) If you are asking yourself "am I happy?" and "am I still in love?", you almost certainly already know the answer deep down. Questioning is healthy, but when it's seriously questioning the fundamentals of a relationship, you always know what your heart is saying. Takes a shitload of guts to admit it to yourself though.

2) There's a huge difference between loving someone, and being IN love with them. When you start to question your love, it can be easy to assume you're still IN love if you still hold fond, caring feelings for the person. It's easier to deal with than accepting that you might be falling out of love.
Of course, you could still be in love. But only you can tell you that. And if you're honest.. you do know. Love and lack thereof is an instinct.

3) Often people deny it, but starting to notice other men/women when you never have before, is a sign that you're not totally happy. Obviously not in each case, but I think often there is denial involved.

4) When your brain has decided you've moved on to some degree mentally, your heart takes a long while to catch up. So it is easy to persuade yourself that you're still happy even though your brain is telling you that you've lost the passionate romantic love you once felt. Relationships can and do mature into more stable, comfortable bonds, but if the passion and spark is gone the important thing is letting yourself accept that it might not be what you want anymore.

Turns out both me and my boyfriend were thinking these things, he just had the guts to do the breaking up before I did. I miss him unbelievably, because he was my best friend and not just my lover. But I know deep down, when I think about it rationally, that it is for the best, since looking back I was showing all the signs of falling out of love. However heartbreaking that might be.

Sorry to ramble, but it's therapeutic to write all this stuff down.

Good luck to anyone else going through a break up or feelings of falling out of love.

xxx

Can i just say that everything that you have stated in your thread is so true. In fact it has helped me a great deal. I have been questioning my relationship for about a year now and all of the above points that you mentioned i have thought over and over.

It is so nice for someone like you to do this type of thing and i hope you realise how much you have helped people like me in this situation.

Thank you very much for taking the time to do this as it has helped.

LooX

I am going through a breakup aswell. Right now the only thing I know is that there is no turning back, I grieve so much when I think about the good times we shared and how much we cared for each other.He thinks that this is just a matter a time and that things will change someday, that we will both grow and then we will be able to be together. But now I see that it's impossible I really feel like I need to move on and erase every possibility of getting back together in the future. It had been a while and things between us got really intense and it turned into an unhealthy relationship. The last time we talked I told him we needed to stop communicating , but he took it the wrong way and he even said some very hurtful things to me, he was furious . I still care for him ,but I want to find a way of letting him know that I really care for him , but that right now I can't even try to be his friend, it hurts to pretend we are just friends when deep down I still love him.It's difficult besause I take two courses together at the university...it's horrible.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and they have been great years but for the past few months I have come to realise that I do not love him anymore.

You are so accurate about the above things, I keep telling myself that he's the best thing i will ever thing i will find but it's not good enough for me, I want more, I want freedom, I am only 19 and because of he's religious beliefs he wants to get married, I on the other hand, I have been going along with the idea but I cannot do it anymore, I've completly changed myself to fit into his plans and I don't want it anymore.

Your story has helped me to realise that I am not the only one with these sort of Love Dilemas and given me the hope that things will turn out ok.

I just haven't had the courage to tell him so instead, I travelled to my home country to get away for a while because I didn't want to be around him. This is all because I've still got feelings for my X and now I have been talking to my ex and we both want to get back together so i can't keep denying my heart happiness.

Let me know if you anything to say, and I will reply via here.

x

I feel the same way... I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, too. He just moved states with me to stay with me while I go to graduate school... but since we've been here, he's changed.

He used to be funny and smart and creative and cool, but now he's totally negative. he doesn't want to do anything to make friends or meet people, he just wants to lay around and wallow in how lonely and miserable he is in our new state. And he wants me to wallow with him, but I'm in graduate school and don't have time for that crap!!
I've tried to help him find a job or meet people, and he will have none of it. At first I thought it was just a phase, but it's been 3 months now and he's still just a lump.

So now I just keep daydreaming about this guy from college. We got along so well, and he was so brilliant and understanding. And we were best friends for 4 years of school, and always kind of liked each other. We never quite got it together to date... and I just can't help wondering "what if," and I'm unhappy with my current relationship... I'm dying to call him.
I have no idea what to do.

I know that things go in cycles -- you have ups and downs in your relationships. But this has been down for so long, I just can't decide if it will come back... or if there's someone better just waiting for me. Did I just jump into my current relationship without thinking it out completely?

And how can I break up with him?? He MOVED for me! he's in school here now... ugh.
I'm just in a bind. Maybe it will go away. But maybe not.

Sorry, it just feels good to vent.

well my fiance of 2 years broke up with me on saturday because he was not in love with me and didnt see a future with me. at times throughout our relationship i did have doubts but never once did i fall out of love with him! it is absolutly heart breaking to no i had done something for him to feel this way. i only ever wanted him to be happy. we has such good fun togeather and he was my best friend he knew everything about me. now im just sad that this has happend and i dont know how long it will take to get over him. i know i will never forget him though. has anyone got any advice to help me? x

Honestly...
The best possible healer
Is TIME!

It isnt an eternal feeling although each extra minute feeling that way seems like a lifetime!

The only thing to help you is accept it and not dwell on what you could have done
Just look forward to the next lucky person whos gonna get to have you and laugh at the last person who lost you!

Keep occupied
Pamper and spoil yourself
Loving yourself is the best therapy you can possibly prescribe yourself!

Good luck X

hey there.
There's not much anyone can say to make you feel better right now, it's a really difficult thing to go through. In fact so soon after it's happened, you'd be better letting yourself grieve for a while and cutting yourself some slack for a bit.
In time though you will come to a point where you are still sad, but want to move on. When that time comes the best thing to do is to resolve to look after number one for a bit. You've been in a long relationship; that inevitably comes with a bit of a shared personality with your previous other half. So focus on yourself, your personality, think about what it is that makes you a great person and build on it. Spend time with your friends and family, spoil yourself occasionally and work on being your own person. Start to notice what you're going to like about being a free single woman.

All very cliché, but this is the advice my mum gave me when my boyfriend broke up with me and she was spot on.

Good luck. xxx

thanks girlies
im getting better as time goes on but still have really bad days and dont know what to do with myself! but things well get better in time i just got to ride the pain out. just waiting for the time when i dont care! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx