I've been in a relationship for 12 years and am considering ending it. Things haven't been great for a little while but have got worse over the last month - there is a reason for this.....

I've become friendly with a work colleague, he started sending quite suggestive text messages to me which at first was just a bit of fun. I ignored them to begin with but now I do it to him too and I'm beginning to really like him. We get on really well and have a good laugh together and he's also v. sweet and often asks how things are going at home (I've told him they aren't great but he doesn't know why) and tries to help out. He's in a relationship (4 years) and says he's happy so I'm sure nothing can or will happen between us but I can't stop thinking about him. Although I know nothing will happen with him it's made me question what I'm doing with my partner now. A couple of months ago I would have said we're having a sticky patch but now I'm not sure - if I feel like this about someone else is it fair to continue with partner? I really don't know what to do and it's making me really miserable, I'm struggling to sleep and eat and need to find an answer from somewhere. I do love my partner but at the moment I would rather be with this other person, maybe I'm just not 'in love' anymore.

Well, it's now over a year on.

I still have v. strong feelings for this other person. We see eachother a fair bit and he still flirts with me. But...in 7 weeks he'll be married!! Makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

I know he's going to get married no matter what I say but do I tell him how I feel anyway? Do you think it'll make me feel better if I know I've done everything I can?

Hiya

I am yet another person in this situation! Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and for almost a year i have been asking myself: "Should i end it or not?" because i fell for a bloke at work.

I would say - be really careful. My situation has got worse. I am still with my boyfriend, because i wasnt convinced i should finish with him just because someone else "might" be interested.

And the guy at work?...well, we flirted for a year, then he spent the night with me.. i thought he cared...and BANG - he is not interested, and now avoids me. I am now in a very difficult situation where i resent him, and to get back at him, i ignore him as well. This REALLY hurts, because we used to be great friends and now barely talk.

i can't tell you how much this situation sucks. All i would advise is, find out exactly how this guy at work feels and what he wants, and if there is a future in the relationship. If there is, then act on it, if it makes you both happy. If there is no future in it, then find out now, and try to distance yourself (i know its hard), and work on your relationship with your boyfriend.

But dont stay in a constant state of "not knowing" - this will only ruin the relationship you have with your boyfriend, because you will be putting all your energy into loving this other guy. And also, if this guy at work is "the one" youll miss out on him if you leave it too long, and end up with neither of them. Thats not to imply that you should do anything rash, but its better to find out where u stand.

Thats only my opinion though! And ive made a right hash of it! Am sure things will sort themselves out eventually - maybe neither of them is the right guy - just relax a bit and see how things pan out.

Just be rally careful about trusting the guy at work he might not be all he seems. its very easy to get carried away and think he's wonderful - i did. Dont throw away a 12 year relationship on a whim - make sure u make a rational decision - there must be something good about your boyfriend if you have stayed with him for 12 years!

Hope this helps!

Good luck! x

I couldn't believe it when i read your posting as i am in an almost identical ituation.
I have recently met someone at work who has made me doubt my future.
My fiance and i are going through a very difficult stage and i do not know if i can see my whole life being with him. I am terrified that my future will be desperately unhappy as when we have tough patches things get very bad.
I am now on the cusp of an affair with the guy at work. I like you have the fantasies about the other guy and imagine a fairytail life with him however i know that is not very realistic. What i am trying to do is make my decision about my relationship without factoring in the other guy, this is easier said than done.
While i know what everyone else is saying and acknowledge that it is more sensible what terrifies me is that this other guy may be the one and i may be throwing away my true path by not pursuing it/him.
Even if things don't work out with him i feel he is at least making me see how my life really is just now and making me question what i want for my future, that must be a good thing before i make a terrible mistake and marry the wrong person.
My point is that never in my life has anyone turned me on or made me feel this way, it may be stupid and unrealistic however if i and you are feeling that way about someone it may be a sign that you are not with the right person just now. Wheather or not you end up with your collegeue you can appreciate that he has opened your eyes to the truth about your currecnt relationship and made you question what you want and need for the rest of your life.

I think for one, if you choose to leave, it needs to be for a reason other than thinking you have found someone better. A relationship started in this manner rarely ever works out b/c who wouldn't question whether or not you were doing the very thing to them. It sounds to me like you need to spend some time alone from either of these men, you should not need a man to make you feel good about yourself this has to come from the inside. I think you know that what you are waiting for is a green light from this other gentleman, but just be careful to look both ways lest you get blindsided

Found your message really interesting, we're in identical situations.

Is your person at work with someone at the moment? You see, mine is and that complicates things. I'm pretty sure that if he wasn't I'd be with him right now - quite literally. I'm confused as to how he feels about me, the text messages etc. have continued and some are very suggestive and I can tell by the way he is with me and the way he looks at me that he likes me but don't know whether he would rather be with me than his girlfriend - and that's my main problem. I'm not interested in seeing him behind his girlfriends back, no matter how much I like him I'm not going to be second choice - it has to be all or nothing. I'm going to have to speak to him about it soon but am so scared it'll ruin our current friendship. But then like you say, if you don't pursue it you'll never know.

The sensible side of me has being saying keep you distance and have as little contact with him as possible but as soon as I speak to him or hear from him (sometimes unavoidable through work) I find myself thinking I really want to be with him.

You're right, it really does make you wonder if you're with the right person. I've never doubted that I was until I got into this situation. Trying to make a decision without factoring in the other person is very difficult, I can't do it and I think it'll always be there at the back of your mind.

I hope you work things out either with your partner or with the guy at work. Maybe the one thing we should both take away from this is that we don't want to live the rest of our lives thinking 'what if..?'. Right, that's it - I'm going to take the bull by the horns and speak to my bloke at work and find out how he feels - when I know this I think I'll be in position to make a decision between him (if he's interested) and my partner.

Hope all works out for you. I'd be interested in any more thoughts/updates you have. I'll keep you posted on my situation.

Yes, my work guy does have a girlfriend who he lives with. I can't believe our situations seem so parallel.

I know what you mean about not wanting to be 'his other woman'. I worry about that too, even if i chose to leave my partner, would he do the same?? If not, would i then become the 'bit on the side'and not have a proper relationship of my own. I know it sounds incredibly selfish but i feel that is making me stay with my current partner. I want to be with work guy but only as his full time partner.

It is a horrible situation we are both in, i like you try to be sensible but then i see him or his name appears in my email and i am back to square one. I have never had butterflies like this before though and if someone can make me feel that it must be right!

Let me know if/when you say something to him. I just want to ask work guy 'am i ever going to get you alone?' and then take it from there.

Keep me posted!

I love the idea of asking 'am I ever going to get you alone?' - think I'll go for the same. He's told me about 'thoughts' he's had about us (I have to admit they sounded great!), suppose there's only way to find out if he'd put these thoughts into action!

My other option was just to ask 'Is this going to go any further?'. When these texts messages first started I thought they were getting a bit too much and did say to him that I thought they were going a bit too far and wouldn't mind if it was going to go further but given both of situations (i.e. both have partners) I don't think it can. His response was 'I know' - don't know whether that means he doesn't want to go any further or whether he was just agreeing with me. Anyway, this was a couple of months ago and things have continued as they did before.

Depends how brave I'm feeling, if not too brave I'll ask if it's going to go any further or feeling very brave I'll go for the getting him alone.

I'll keep you posted.

Think you should go for it too. It's the only way you'll know whether or not you could have something with him.

Was planning to take the bull by the horns and ask him directly but wasn't brave enough. The other day we exchanged a couple of texts when he said he wanted me to wear a particular item of clothing he often refers to next time I saw him, so I replied and asked 'what would happen if I did?' to which I got a bit of a surprise - and not a good one - he said he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend v soon, oh well, at least I know. I replied and told him I was pleased for him (in a way I am) and that she's a lucky girl and would be mad to turn him down.

What has confused me though is I went through the whole text conversation with a friend, she reckons it sounded more like this is what I'm going to do unless you do someting about it. I can see why she thinks this but I think I've just got to face up to things and try to forget about him. I wish I'd asked at the time if there was anyway I could change his mind, at least I'd know for sure.

I now want to get him on his own to ask why he started this whole thing to begin with if he had no intention of it going anywhere. My gut feeling is that he does like me and he likes the idea of something happening between us but he likes his girlfriend much more, I can understand that and as difficult as it is, I'm going to have to accept it too.

I was gutted for you when i read your post. It is something i dread hearing from my work guy.

How are you feeling now? Has anything else happened?

It sounds to me like he is testing you. Wanting to see how you would react. He no doubt loves his girlfriend but can't understand why he is having feelings for you too.

There probably isn't a simple answer, not one i can think of. Just wait till everything plays out which i know is not as easy as it seems. Other than that you may need to put yourself out there but you could end up hurt, if he is confused you may scare him.

Well i don;t think it was test, he's now happily engaged. I've just seen him for the first time since this happened. I was really concerned that we wouldn't be able to talk as we had done in the past but he was really sweet. He took me for lunch and we had a really good chat, unfortunately I couldn't bring myself to say anything about me and him.

I do still really like him and seeing him yesterday reaffirmed this. I've also spoken to him a couple of times today and we've emailed eachother a few times though I have to say the content isn't as interesting as it used to be!

I'm just going to leave things as they are. If I say something it could ruin everything between us, if I thought it would make him change his mind about getting married I would but I know whatever I say won't change it. I'm just pleased to have him as a mate. Oooh, but I sooo want it to be more.

I take it you haven't said anything to yours? If not, please do - I doubt you'll get as drastic a response as I did. You really need to know what's going on, believe it or not I feel much better about things now as I know it can't go anywhere - the uncertainty before was unbearable. Let me know how you get on.

Time to improve the excitment in your 12 year relationship. You don't talk much about hubby so think of something new you two can do together. A wild weekend away for two, a couples class at your local community center, dance lessons, poker lessons, sailing lessons whatever you can find in your area. Something, anything you two can learn together and talk about.

Good Luck

Hi I was just wondering do you have any children.

No, we don't have any children

Its the sparke its a lovely feeling but it can make women (and some men) do some really stupid things! This feeling will go away and after a few months you will thank your lucky stars you didn't do anything rash. Also you are very lucky to have a nice guy to get sparkly about...there are some nasty gits who can detect this in women and take advantage of this time of mental weakness...you are actually lucky!!You will think, dream, sing, sigh etc about this hopless case and seriously doubt your relationship with your home-man...hang on in there..he hasn't done anything wrong..he doesn't deserve this.You will be stronger when you realise what this is.
H

i think you have to stop the other thing with the other guy say it to him nicely say its not appropriate cuz 2 of you are in a serious relationship and this cant go on behind other peoples backs its not fare. your relationship is in a sticky patch but dont fling 12 years away, work things out get to geather and do things you used to do at the start of your relationship dont say there is not enough time cuz thats an excuse if you venture back you will start to have fun and then you will see why you are with what you onced proberly called the love of your life, the person you would be with forever no matter what ok

need more halp just ask

i think you really need to forget about this other guy for now. take him out the equation. would you still be so unhappy? you know that nothing is going to happen, so don't split up for the sake of a fantasy.
you haven't said how your partner feels about the situation. does he know how unhappy you are? after being together for 12 years, it is so easy to fall into a routine. we don't realise the other person isn't happy, we just get on with things.
if you think you have a marrage worth salvaging, then why not go away together for the weekend. somewher quiet, and spend quality time together. talk to him about your relationship, and ty to rekindle the romance. if this is a worthwhile suggestion, then you may be able to have a fresh lease of life.
on the other hand, if you are seriously wanting to leave your husband, then do it for YOU!!Tell your husband that you feel unsettled in the relationship. that you need to have space to think what you want. is ther a family member, or a friend a good way from home that you could go and stay with. it will give you time to have a good rethink. then you can really begin to know what you want. if you miss him, or you love the freedom you have. sometimes a change can do the world of good.
hope this has been some help to you.

let me know how things go
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx

Thanks to you all for replying. You're all telling me to do the same thing - forget about him! I'm trying but it's easier said than done.

The text messages have become less frequent but when I do see him or hear from him I find myself wanting him even more - not good I know. I think about him all the time and at the minute I can't see that changing in the near future. What really scares me is that in 12 yrs I've been with my partner I've never thought about being with someone else, obviously I've seen people and thought they were attractive but this is completely different. I'm trying to have as little contact with him as possible and hope this will make my feelings fade. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Thanks again. Anymore advice will be much appreciated.

Well, it's now over a year on.

I still have v. strong feelings for this other person. We see eachother a fair bit and he still flirts with me. But...in 7 weeks he'll be married!! Makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

I know he's going to get married no matter what I say but do I tell him how I feel anyway? Do you think it'll make me feel better if I know I've done everything I can?

Hi

I have just been reading your thread, wow thats a long time to still have feelings for someone who you are not actually with. Personally i feel that this guy seems pretty selfish in the fact that he is getting married in 7 weeks and still having the fun and exciting flitacious behaviour with you. The only thing is that he is having his cake and eat it and you are the person who is feeling the hurt and pain.

I know exactly what you are feeling as i am in the sort of same boat as you. I have been with my soon to be ex partner for 10 years and we have a 2 year old child together. I have had feelings for a guy in work (on and off) for over two years. He was with a lady up until about 6 months ago and has always been very flirty with me and i can really feel this sort of connection between us. The only difference is that i am splitting with my partner for me regardless of whether anything happens with this guy as my relationship has been quite bad for a number of years (put up with cheating, gambling, drugs you name it!!!). I am literally going to see what happens but certainly not rushing into anything at all as i really want to get back on my feet first.

All i could say is that if you and your partner of 12 years are happy and are able to work through things then that would be worth while saving but maybe you may need to ask yourself why you are still having strong feelings for someone else when you should be happy with the person you are with that is what I had to work out in my head and it took a while to realise.

Hope whichever way you go it works out best for you, take care and keep us updated.

Loo67 XX

i still personaly think you are getting carred away with the feelings, you have to stop and think of who you are hurting here there are inocent people involved, you have to think cearfully cuz you cant lead this guy you have had 12yrs with on its just so unfare, the feelings you are HAVING WONT GO AWAY untill you do somthing about it. and who says the other guy likes you in that way anyway he might not want to fling away what hes got with his partner for you and his text messages might be a laugh to him but serious to you. Think about others befire you carry on doing what your doing its not healthy