Hi there, I'm 20 years old, my fiancé Gary is 22...
He has a 3 year old little girl from his previous relationship -She is the spitting image of her mother and such a sweet,innocent little thing...

He only see's her once a week or so at the moment as it is, but when he does, it drives me wild...I get angry at him for being stupid and getting his ex pregnant in the first place! I know its not his little girls fault but I blame her for spoiling things...

Everything I've looked forward to just seems taken away from me
I'd always said I'd never go for a guy with baggage but we'd been friends since I was 14 and I really liked him. I obviously didn't see it as a problem when we just started seeing each other and I always thought it would remain as not being a problem.

I was very wrong...

Now I feel like my dreams have been destroyed. I always imagined meeting that perfect guy [and with the exception of his baggage, he is] We'd get married [which we're going to...I hope- if this problem doesnt spoil things that is] and have our OWN family. But he already has someone elses!!! He's done the delivery, the birthing classes, the long nights, the feeds, the daddy stuff yaddyyaddyyadda. Its ok to tell me she wont be treated any different but I keep thinking my future children will miss out on more cos hes giving most of his love to her for missing out on so much...

Im a jealous person...I dont want to hear about his ex's or anythin. But he obviously has to be in contact with her all the time because of the kid and that doesnt help matters. Then every time I see his little girl, it's like looking at a miniature version of his ex straight in the face It hurts, it hurts deep

I've tried my best to accept her
I dont doubt his love for me
I dont think he'll ever love me any less or anything
He does everything he can to assure me and show he loves and cares for me
I just dont know why I feel this way
Ive tried putting photos of her up, spending time with them, talking about her and planning things for them to do together but...I dunno if it just makes things worse!?
It leaves me in tears and feeling like sh*t time and time again

So it all progresses to me wanting him to stop seeing her
Because I feel like its the only solution left
He doesnt come up with any other possible solutions so what am I meant to do?
I cant continue to feel this way because it will result in our relationship being doomed!
The thing that hurts me most is that im starting to hate myself- for having these such strong negative emotions towards this tiny person who's never asked for anything or done any wrong...Shes only 3 years old. She cant be taken back [although I do keep wishing she could be] What do I do?

What CAN i do to look at the situation differently?
What can HE do to help me get through this?
Why am I blaming this little child?

You can think Im a sick person for feeling like this and asking someone to do such a thing...What do I have the right to? I know this...Thats why I need to get it sorted ASAP
Even if the relationship didnt work because of it or for whatever reason...I need this sorted
Pronto

Please help me

Gail x

My heart totally goes out ot you, i went through it bout 2 years ago and its horrible.
My partner had a little girl who he didnt even know existed until she was 2. Apparently it was a 1 night stand that went wrong and 2 years later he is a daddy yay
anyway I knew of her but i didnt expect things to get serious between us and like you i never wanted to get with anyone that got baggage. Anyways we got serious and i started to hear more about his little girl - not off him mind off his mother. His mother has the little 1 every weekend and once in the week. My other half never bothered and when i asked why as it did sort of concern me he said he never wanted it he was only young when it happened would of told her to abort it if he knew as they dont get on it was a drunken mistake (so he says).
Anyway a problem with my partners flat mate meant him moving back home therefor me having to spend weekends around his little girl - and i HATED it with a passion. I was so jealous that he had his first child with someone else when it came to me having a baby it would feel like same old thing like riding a bike. I was so jealous the once i hit the roof he bought her an easter egg (im so ashamed to write this) i would chuck things in his face like never knew her for 2 years and look at u now playing happy families. I hated him everytime she was around
Only it wasnt happy families at all, like i said he and his ex totally didnt get on, at xmas she told him to buy the child something then made out to the little 1 it was off her then boyfriend. When it came to her getting christened my other half wasnt allowed to go but his mother and sister was. It was horrible an the more she was horrible to my OH the nastier i got.

I did try the once to get to know her but when his x new i took her to town she went mad in the end i didnt make him choose he cut his ties of his own accord as well as cutting his ties to his mother and sister as they told him they put the little 1 b4 him which is very sad but it was messed up from the start

Anyway sorry for the long reply but i have been through what ur going through an i just want to say its the worst it eats u up and makes u hate urself and feel so ashamed and nasty so my heart really does go out to u x x x

i really feel for you girl...
i mean if i'm in your shoes i would
feel and think the same...
and im glad im not in your shoes right now....
it would be a lot painful....
-----------
anywayz... the thing is...my brother
has his steady girlfriend right now...
dunnow if his planning to marry his present girl..
they have a daughter which is 2 years old...
during the girls pregnancy...they were fighting...then
they were separated....and there's another girl in the picture...
he got her pregnant...they had ended in a terrible fight so he left
her....a baby boy was brought here on earth...
my brother is now back to the mother of his daughter
leaving the mother of his son....
i've always known about the baby boy but i haven't seen him.
Being the good and loving aunt...he has his own shares of
gifts from me....like Christmas presents...my brothers
go and visit him....but he spent most of his time
with his daughter and the mother.
After five months...the baby boy was brought to us and lives with us...
and that made his present girlfriend really angry and wish
to leave him...he chooses to be with the mother of his baby girl...
but his son is with us....and i can feel the pain of this baby boy
as he grow up without a father and the mother...that's why
as much as possible...we gave him extra care...love..attention
and understanding....so that he will never feel neglected at all...

you need to grow up, you knew he had a child when you got with him, stop being immature and a ... and either accept it or end it

...this reply is actually shocking!
YOU need to grow up and put yourself in this girl's shoes. It is obviously no way near as easy as that! "Accept it or end it". That is ridiculous, she is obviously trying to accept it.




As for the original poster:
I have a lot of respect for your perserverence and sympathy for your position. Well done for your effort and trying to sort it out. I honestly couldn't tell you why you might feel like that, but the fact that you know it's not the kid's fault is certainly something to be glad about. I'm not sure I can give a decent answer but I'd say just sticking with what you're doing is the best bet. Get used to her and try interacting with her more, maybe you'll be able to see that she's different to the ex and get to know her better.
I'm sorry if this has been little use, but that other reply shocked me so much I had to respond.
Good luck
xx

MY SUGGESTION IS TO GET OVER YOURSELF. IF YOU KNEW THAT HE HAD A CHILD IN THE BEGINING AND YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK THEN YOU NEED TO EXSEPT HER SHE WILL PART OF HIS LIFE EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT. ATLEAST UNTILL SHE IS 18. ITS LIKE YOU SAID ITS NOT HER FAULT. TRY BEING A STEP MOM TO HER. IF YOU LOVE HIM LIKE YOU SAY YOU DO THEN JUST EXSEPT HER. SHE IS PART OF HIM. IF YOU CANT THEN YOU NEED TO MOVE ON HE DOESNT NEED SOMEONE TRING TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM HIS TRUE LOVE "HIS DAUGHTER".

My boyfriend has two kids a 9yr old and a 5yr old.
It is hard to not be the first priority in someone's life but when it comes to children you will always be second, and that's the way it should be..
Please dont ask him to stop seeing his child, because if he refuses you will feel worse and if he agrees then he's not worth the bother, how would you feel as a child growing up having a dad that abandond you for a woman?
I love my boyfriend's kids because they are HIS the I dont even consider his ex when it comes to the way I feel for those kids.
Work at it with this little girl you may come to love her as if she was yours.

good luck with the decision you make
xx

You need to dissconnect any feelings for the ex from the child, treat her like your own and start to love her as if she where your own otherwise you are going to tear your relationship apart.

The little girl will be in his life and yours for aslong as you are together and if you do try to stop him seeing her its likely he will have very negative feelings towards you and possibly end the relationship. Why dont you try you best to join in and both take her out and have fun where you can get to know eachother.

If you cant push aside these feelings maybe you should seek councelling to reach the core problem.

My dad and my mum split up when i was 1 yr old and my dad moved in with a woman 90 miles away and had three kids, I never heard from him untill i was 16 because the ,misses never wanted him to have contact with me she ripped up all my pictures that my mum sent him and he never called although i blame him partly too because he could have seen or called me anytime behind her back. I built up alot of anger from this and feel like a part of my life was missing.

why cause all these problems for that little girl when you could all be happy and fufilled together.

Help me please

I need advice
Urgently

x

it is pretty selfish of you to want him to stop seeing his child, if you were a child growing up and the only time to spend with your dad was going to be taken away by his girl friend wouldn't you resent her. So what if he has already had the experience of the pre-natal classes and the late nights. think of it like this at least when you get married to him and have his kids he will have some experience, you won't feel totally lost and you at least have an example of the kind of father he will be to your children.