I have been married for almost 5 years. I love my husband and in the name of love and bacause of our child I was even forgiving him few affairs with some girls who he met for sex. It was hard but he promissed me that he woulld try to give all his best.
And he was trying too in his way...
What is now really making me angry and sad is that I see everyday that he is downloading so much porno stuff on the computer. And I have realized that after he started to downolad porno again our sex life got worse too. I dont know what to do and why to say to him.For me he is enough , but seeing what he has on his computer makes me think that maybe that means I am not enough to him ( his earlier cheating has also influence here)
I have tried to tell him that I dont like that he is downloading every night and staying up with the computer but he says that is is man thing and every man has porno on his computer. Dont belive in that and i want your please to tell me your experience with it.
Thanks in advance.
Ida

yup...i guess...it's okay for a man
to download porn stuff on the internet...
do not feel so insecure about it...
ive known lotsa faithful man who did the same..
but it's not like they're cheating on their wife
or on their girlfriends....
be worry if he's downloading pictures
of his past girlfriend in the nude....

hiya Ida,

Most men have internet porn either on cds or on the computer, it may seem disgusting for most females and wonder why the men cant be happy with what they already have, but the reality of it is that most men like young females, even my first x hubby now 65 dreams of been with a young 19 year old. which my son thinks is sick,but there you go. my present partner a little bit younger also dreams of young females but it doesnt bother me as i know that he hasnt got a hell in chance of getting any one younger then my self ,unless they was really desperate or very drunk!!

yes it makes me feel bad and wish id had a perfect figure etc but at the age of 38, i know im not getting any younger and thats the end of that.

I know that i could get any other male i wanted and have proved that i could if i wanted too. Have no problem with finding another male as there is never one to far, their like busses, another one along in a while.

Getting back to your problem with out me rattling on, maybe its time that you had a talk with your other half on how he feels about you,and where your relationship is going? ask him why he needs so much porn on the computer, seen one seen them all, and its all fantasy in his head. what do they do on the porn that he down loads? maybe the positions that they do on the porn that you and him could try out, spice up your sex life!!??

Ask him what was different when he had sex with the other girls, how could you make it better with him so that he doesnt have the need to go to another female.

The man thing of downloading a heap load of porn is codswallop to put it nicely,never mind the computer needs what about your needs? tell him how you feel and is there really any point of been in this relationship if your both not been satisfied or happy?

i ask you do you really need the stress off this man? when you have a child to think about instead? If he has affairs then there is a problem within your relationship that needs sorting out and its down to you to talk to him to find out what the problem is. tell him how unhappy it makes you feel when he spends all night down loading porn, and staying up on the computer.

Sort out your feelings in your self too, do you really love this man after what he has done? could you live with out him? im sure you and your child could,as if he thought anything of either you or your child he wouldnt of cheated on you and given you both the stress either.

hope this helps.

underloved

Hi.. yeah men do have a way of seperating sex, oggling at women on the street, in bars, shops, in magazines, newspapers, calenders, on adverts (esp when aimed at men), on thier mobiles, computers, strippers, lap dancers etc.

IMHO it's quite a sad addiction; however it's something most men do... two pionts sex and love does seem to be notably different in a man's opinion then with most women. they can love someone as though this person was the world and still get kicks out of porn without knowing it would hurt or offend... secondly men and imagination; although it is noted men always think about sex, it would appear that they sometimes need to 'kick start' the thinking process.

My man is addicted to internet porn and won't get off his butt to find a job.. I can go to his computer and show him the internet history and he'd still swear blind he wasn't looking at it, it was just pop ups etc... I'm not born yesterday... and can find great methods of winding him up with this knowledge so it keeps me entertained although it took a while to begin to cope with this behaviour.

To be honest though your man should have enough respect for you to stop doing this if it hurts you, that's what a partnership is. With or without porn you won't stop him masturbating and it coud be safer to know he's getting kicks from anonomous girls on movies, then his previous activities which you mention.

secondly one huge help in overcoming the orn addiction issues in my mind is confidence, you realy have to knwo where you stand in your respect of yourself and in his mind.

i also had a relationship with a man who had an internet porn addiction. Its a complex and growning issue. At first I also felt that I was somehow responisble and to blame for his behaviour - but that did not last for long. Porn addiction can be related to avoidance of intermacy in a relationship and in my situation was also linked to his childhood sexual abuse. Sex was clearly seperate for him from a loving relationship - in other words sex for him needed to be with someone who he had no emotional attachment for and someone he could see as an object so porn fitted the bill.

There were ways that we could have proceeded with our relationship but in order to do that he needed to see this as a problem - which he did not.

After a further period of truma the relationship ended (thank you god)

I do think that is a serious problem for your relationship. But now looking back I realise that he really did beleive that this nothing to do with me. Because I was a person....and these were objects...non people.

When you say for you he is enough....I too felt this but realised that what he needed was something very different from me ( I wanted a close intimate loving healthy sex life and relationship )- and that it was him that was not able to meet my needs in this area, his behaviour with the porn so clearly showed that.

I would suggest that you look up information on internet porn addtiction and see if he fits the profile. If he does then you are dealing with an addiction problem just like any other and this will renforce that this is not about his realtionship with you or about you at all even though you are badly effected by it - which may help you decided which way you procede as addictions can be managed if one is willing to accept that there is a problem

I wish you luck and hope that you are able to find a way forward that is right for you

d

I was at my fella's n was wanting to go home for a shower but i didnt have my key so i rang home to check if any1 was home but no answer! anyway i kept ringing n then my fone died so my fella said just to keep checking using his! so anyway i left it for abit n we was in bed just chilling cause we'd been out the nite b4 n he was rough so he fell asleep n i tried ringing again from his fone but no answer n he was asleep so i just went to his video's to see if he had any funny videos n he had a folder called "favorate video's" n i clicked onto it to my horror n found loads of porn films(i didnt watch then but u knew wat it was cause it shows the start of it as a pic n it was all naked busty women)i was sooo gutted, sooo worthless, felt like i wasnt good enough so u kno wot i did??? i DELETED it, all of it n i never felt soooo giddy and pleased with myself! wen i told him tho was even beta!!! lol!!

Your a good person. What do you want from life ? The nortmal things a loving relationship/ respect a nice house ?

He has already cheated on you. Now he's holding back and just spending all his time looking at porn. Both of these things are so accessible and he knows that.

Basically if he wants it he can find it - and he shows he does want it.

And while he is doing this he is not giving you time, interst and respect.

People can ONLY treat you the way you allow them to. You have let him get away withy so much, he knows he can push the boundaries.

But forget about him for a while - where would you like to be in 2 years. What would make you happy ? Not this situation im sure.

You have two choices put up and shut up or leave him (after an ultimatium so he understands he has one last chance to behave like a decent husband).

You deserve so much better than this.

Take care.

Yeah, I know that alot of guys do have porn on their computer, even my boyfriend, but it looks like he does it too often. I could understand if you didn't have time to have sex or something was getting in the way of y'all sharing intamacy, but if he is just doing it to just do it ... there is something wrong. Especially, since he cheated on you too. Once a cheater always a cheater. And if he can't respect that you are bothered by him looking at porn, then he doesn't respect you much. So even if you share a child together it is time to move on. Find a better man who loves you and respects you!!! - Lonelylover -

oh dear, you poor thing. your man has a problem. and so do you.
the odd bit of porn is healthy, meeting other girls for sex , isn't. And look what you got for for forgiving him you doormat!
Do you really want to live with this weak, horrible man? If he's better than nothing fine, but have some pride in yourself! Are you working? can you get yourself finanially independant? If not ...do it now...you need to be secure for you and your child.Don't think I'm not enough for im, he's being wierd and obsesive, you don't have to compete with that.

You are not happy, he doesn't care how you feel...jeesh wake up! and how do you know he's clean, yuk, I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.
Get yourself secure and demand he gets help...or turns off the damn thing. Things might have to get drastic to snap him out of this...if you are prepared, you'll no feel so helpless...good luck .big hug

Thanks to both of you for replying!
Mumzie ,belive me I have tried to move out and divorce him but he wanted me back, i realized I still loved him, my child needs him and I stayed ..
No, i dont work . I live in Denmark, he brough me here( he is Dane) I have to get diplomma first on danish language so i can work so I depend on him now.I do have pride but I just hope it will work between us, he has many good sides too, he is a good father too. But you right that I am not happy at least not much...
Do you really think he need help with his problem?I would like him to stop with that but I know iIf i say you need help he will freak out and be assualted.
Sorry for writing long tekst.
take care!

Hi sorry for taking so long to reply. so he wanted you back, but stil wants to eat other women's cake! If its just an hour on the internet each night looking at porn, thats not so bad, and if he is being kind and considerate, then ask him to do it in a less obvious way as it hurts your feelings.

He might be a good father, but he's a crap husband,he needs some serious training. love him or not you are trapped over there mentally and fincancially

Can you go home to mum (or a friend in UK)for a bit and leave him to think about his behaviour an extended holiday

Buy and sell things on e-bay for a bit of your own money...you don't need the training trap for that.

Talk to him (don't tell him where you might go)

Blame your sily hormones (men should never be attacked - you are right not to accuse him) tell him how you feel (not how he is making you feel) ask him to cut down the porn as it makes you unhappy & insecure and you feel like running away from your sadness as it makes you feel insecure and unsexy..... if that doesn't work , go on the internet & get some sexy naked men photos & leave them around where he'll find them(not your daughter obviously!!!)...look at them in bed ....see how HE feels..

I don't mean to make light of this, sorry , but men are so driven by what is in their underpants sometimes!
H

Think you're right. You're not enough for him. Every man has porno on his pc (me too), this is no the problem, but if he had affairs and now he is downloading a lot of porno stuff the result is clear. I can't help you,but think about it, porno stuff is not another woman.

Bye
A

If i was to find any porn he'd been looking at i would chuck him out,caus if he thought i wasnt good enough for him so he had to look at porn then he woldnt be good enough for me to love any more.

A

You might not realise there is a problem. A lot of men don't, until its too late. I am a 30 year old woman and my husband started to download porn (unbeknown to me)and as this started to increase, along with visits into sex chat room, so our sex life started to twindle and when we did have sex he couldn't manage it. He made lots of excuses why he didn't want sex, and no matter what I did nothing worked.

Then I found out (by accident)what he had been doing, I felt hurt, unsexy, angry and very very inadequit. It has come very close to splitting up our marriage because apart from anything else the trust has gone, I believed all the excuses, I even blamed myself and felt useless as a lover. So please don't say that it doesn't cause problems because I know it does and our relationship will NEVER be as good as it once was.

Hazel