Hello, I'm new to this so here it goes... I am married to my highschool sweetheart we are both 41. Married right out of school he joined the military and retired after serving 20 yrs. We have one son (18) a fairly good student meaning his grades are average and passing. Our son joined a Co-Ed cheerleading competition squad when he was 5 and still is competing this will be his last year competing because the cut off age is 18. He coaches at the gym and trains the other children as well as coaches a younger competition squad. I am very proud of him, my husband on the other hand doesn't believe that this is a masculine sport and has chosen not to be involved. This has put a big strain in our marriage because I tell him that there is only one chance to be part of your childs life and as long as it is a positive influence and keeps him focused to not get involved in negative things that we as parents need to be supportive. My husband has participated in just a few competitions I would honestly say 10 total throughout the 13 years. On an average competition season the squads compete in 10-15 competitions. So if you do the math you could see that it was a very few that he attended. Some competitions require travel which my husband hates. Our next problem is he is a functioning alcoholic he drinks on a daily basis and weekends are even worse ,12pk-daily after work and on the weekends at leass t 2-1/2 cases if not more by himself. He only drinks beer and claims because of the 3% alcohol level it isn't a lot. We do not do anything as a family or as husband and wife we never have even when our son was younger we never went to the zoo or did any family activities that families do. I'm telling the truth! The same goes for us as a couple throughout our entire marriage we have gone out to dinner,movies and on a few occasions to a club. That's it! My husband has a lot of friends and they all like to drink and play cards, dominos, watch sports and hang out. Our home has an open door policy which he always clearly stated to all his friends so they would show up at our door at any given time during the work week and weekends. This went on for years until I had enough and put somewhat a stop to that about 4yrs ago. We didn't have a normal home life because there was someone always at our house this has caused many arguments between us. He was arrested for DWI which almost cost him his military career. This has been a huge strain in our marriage it took first place over family and our relationship. He started going to bars which I stopped and it goes on and on. During all the years I have been left alone to care for our son and which I don't regret at all but I do regret my husband not being part of it. He has pushed us away so much that we have learned to fill the time with our own activities. Now that I have reached a point where I don't want to be married anymore he is now wanting to spend time with us. Our son has grown into a young man going to school, working and hanging out with his friends and I have learned to keep myself busy by reading, shopping and spending time with my friends. He has a problem with us not having a relationship and me being so distant towards him. I have fought, cried threatened divorce and always gave in to him. Now he is asking me why I don't pay attention to him and why I'm not affectionate? We have argued for many years and I am fed up! I don't have the energy to want to even try anymore I have tried for many years and feel that he didn't take me seriously when I said that when he would be ready to settle down that it may be too late. I have learned to keep myself entertained and busy and now that I am doing my own thing he doesn't like it. This now is all my fault and he is blaming me on not wanting to spend time with him. He has given me an ultimatum and a deadline to stop acting like I am, meaning talking to my two friends on the phone or I'm on the computer all the time, shopping, going to competitions or whatever it is that I occupy my time with. Anyway I can go on but what would you do? I would love to hear some responses.

What I see here is a proud mom and a genuinely caring wife. Most women in this situation would already be divorced, but I admire your moxie. In my opinion, I think you should really sit your husband down and let go of yourself- tell him everything you told us and more(I'm sure there is). Give him options- let him decide for himself if he's willing to be an active part of the family or wants to walk away. Men will always blame you if problems come along and take the credit if it goes well- it just thier way. As for your son, if he enjoys what he is doing, go ahead and encourage him to keep doing what he is. Also, it might really be a support to him if you brought other family members in- like grandparents and cousins, to his competitions. Don't hesitate to tell him how proud you are of him and what he is doing- it helps to know that you have a parent behind you 100%. It would have been good to have his dad behind him, but no matter if he's not.
Its by no means a perfect solution, but its a start. Ultimately, the decision rests with you- be you and make your home the way you want it to be.

its possible we married long lost brothers......seriously your life and mine have huge similarities - with an out of control anger thrown in - or maybe youre just not talking about that yet...i wasnt able to at first. my kids and i did the same - simply had as normal a life as possible - only now i know it was only ever a facade - i know this because since leaving the situation behind i have a real life!! i can talk to and see my wonderful friends (i can talk to them on the phone without them having to listen to his crass comments) i have just got back from an overseas holiday-that would never have happened-we never had holidays!!! im already getting ready for the next one!! i never have to weigh my words carefully in case i accidently incite anger....the cats dont care what i say!!! alchoholics are simply by definition entirely self centered and so in his eyes it will be all your fault-believe me - i know -and anyone who will listen will be told so!!! you just have to hold your head high and weather that - it really will be all about poor him...now the really hard part for me...my son is almost 15...i doubt his father could tell you that....but after all these years he is finally getting some attention from his father - not good influences either but very appealing to a teenage boy- and i hardly see my precious son as his father has decided to cultivate a drinking buddy...i just keep the contact and remind him of the bond we have always had - i can only hope the novelty wears off- thing is it may have happened anyway and at least i can still provide a different view of life - i know he is a good kid making some bad choices-but not surprising after waiting all his life for his father to notice him!! soooo....would i do it again ?? yes - in a heartbeat...i have a life, my children know that i am worth more than what i had....and so do i....life is good....get out and live it...the relief is indescribable- go dance and be merry!!!xx