I am have a bit of an issue with my boyfriend. We have been together around 16months, and although we get along really well, and he is wonderful our sex life in my opinion is not as good as what I would like. In general I want it more than him, I think I am more sexually charged than he. on average he will initiate once or twice a week and we see each other 5 times week (I pretty much live at his) so a lot of the time either I will have to initiate or I will lay there really wound up. I just get so anxious and wound up that I cant sleep.
I have brought it up a few times, and every time he is lovely and reassuring and says we will be okay and that it is nothing to do with how he feels about me and still finds me as attractive as ever.

It happened again last night, we had a lovely evening we went to his parents and then home to cuddle up on the sofa, then we went to bed and he was kissing me on my neck and shoulders and I really wanted it to go further, but he started falling asleep. I tried so hard not to get angry but I did, and bought up the fact I wasnt happy with his lack of effort in the bedroom. He suggested we have sex, but I said no and we talked calmly and reassured again and said the problem is whenever he does initiate I think he just does it to make me happy and so its a bit of a vicious circle. He said he knows I want it more than him, but maybe he shows affection in other ways, i.e kissing, cuddling etc.. (he has always been the same)

I dont want to make an issue, I love him and what we have, and the last thing I want to do is turn sex into a chore. I have told him how I feel, and that I want things to be spontaneous etc and he said he leave it with him but its been 2 weeks and I havent really seen much change. Some of the problem is we both are really sociable and were always busy and getting in late which doesnt help. I just wish he wasnt so tired all the time. Am I wrong for wanting more sex? Has anyone else experienced this type of thing? Can I turn it around and get him going again?

I must mention, I am his first serious girlfriend and I think the only person he has slept with. I am 27 and he is 26. He hasnt just changed he has always taken the approach that hugs and kisses are just as good as sex. He is a big softy, I just want to see a bit of passion in him. It is half my fault as well as I let it make me feel insecure. I think this stems from a past relationship which I also found fault with our sex life and went on about it however we didnt have sex in 2 months and were seeing a relationship councillor but there was all sorts of trust issues and he was seeing someone behind my back. I was very rejected and hurt, I think I am scared of this happening. Sometimes I feel alone in my insecurities but I dont want to ruin things as I blame myself partly for the issues of my past relationship.

There a few other issues for me to be honest which may be compounding the situation. He has never really told me he loves me. He has shown me, and even said his flat mate said he could see he loved me, but not said I love you. We have been together well over a year now, and cause of this I dont really tell him. I have done once or twice, and he just said he hadnt been in that situation before and didnt really know what to say or do. He said he was glad I felt like that and it made him happy.

I long for him to tell me how he feels. When I have kind of said this to me he has said I am the most important thing to him, and that he couldnt be happier etc . I think he is sensitive deep down, and although affectionate I think he is quite closed. I remember him saying that he doesnt really open up to his family that much and that they dont say I love you.

I am a little insecure and negative due to my last relationship I felt there was serious lack of trust, both our faults. In the end we were seeing a councillor and had a massive sex problem, I think I may be almost making my current relationship go the same way. My current boyf has said to me not everyone is out to get you as I must come across untrusting of the world. I am not sure where this comes from though. I do try to see the best in everyone and everything and I think I get let down cus of this.

Just had a text from my boyf following a conversation of me saying It must be a nightmare being my boyf, as last night I was pretty down (tried and not happy in my job or the long commute which eats into our time together) I had arrange a night for us and our friends sat and he forgot there was something else on which meant changing our plans. It was the last thing I needed and although he said he would call that off , I then felt I was making him do something he didnt want to. Anyway he replied, it has its moments but the good times make it all worthwhile, we all have off days and I know you dont mean it, and I dont mind. Youre my girl and Im sticking with you through thick and thin.

Hi I'm not a counsellor, but when I read your post I felt for you as I am in a similar situation. All I can tell you is that if you carry on you will make it even more difficult for your partner to express his feelings and it will become so tense in the bedroom that both of you will feel awkward and sex will become something of a stale mate between the two of you.

I have had the conversations with my partner that you have had, and I also am guilty of bringing problems from my past into my present relationship, believe me this clouds everything, and where you should be enjoying the love and the comfort that you have (and you really do have that) you are not because you are so busy worrying about what he's thinking or what might happen. Trust me if he is going to do anything that you fear he may do, he will do it wether you worry or discuss it or not. In fact if you keep wanting and needing his reassurance, and you keep getting wound up about sex it will make things too pressured and too difficult between you and he wont know how to handle the relationship, this added pressure will almost certainly become tiresome and break the relationship in the end.

I decided that I would relax in the bedroom, and just enjoy the moment when it happened. I decided to enjoy the closeness instead of worrying about where it would or in many cases wouldnt lead. He doesnt feel any pressure, and the wait is definately worth it. I also pull away from him at times kiss him and say goodnight and turn over and go to sleep, this way he knows that Im not waiting for it to happen every time we see each other. (even though between you and me I was hoping!!) This means I feel more in control and so I dont get wound up and frustrated anymore with the whole situation, and I feel ok about initiating sex sometimes because he hasn't felt pressure from me to perform just to keep me happy.

My boyfriend is not very good with speaking about his feelings, I think a lot of men are that way, the fact is he has been with you for 16 months, he does show you affection, and he does try to listen and understand what your asking of him. Men do think in a different way to us. Try to look at this in a more positive way, If he was at you everytime you went round and trying to get you into bed having his fun then turning his back and falling a sleep on you, and if he snapped at you when you tried to talk to him about how you felt, and if you went to bed and there was no sex and no affection I think you would have good reason to worry. The fact that he is the way he is with you through all your insecurities I think shows how much he does care for you. My boyfriend also has a nasty habit of saying it as it is, which being sensitive can really upset me, but in his odd man type way he's trying to be supportive and keep our relationship going in the right direction. He often says to me your my babe, and your not getting rid of me now and he's playful and affectionate. These things mean alot. Anyone can say 'I love you' try looking at his actions rather than what he says, I a great believer in 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words'. The I Love You will come one day, and you will truely know it, and he will truley mean it, and thats got to be better than I love you because its what he thinks you want to hear.

I know this is based on my experience, but please try not to worry, try to relax even if you have to force yourself to for a while and see how it goes. If you feel like questioning him try to bite your tongue and let that moment pass, and try to look at something that he's said or done thats shown you how he cares for you, keep that in your mind when you feel insecure and try to get through your wobble.

I hope things work out for you, it wont be easy, I know because I am still fighting my fears, but my relationship is going from strength to strength and I really hope that yours will too.

Goodluck