Need advice and where better to come!

I've been with my girlfriend for one and a half years and she really isn't into sex at all. It seems theres always a reason why she doesn't want to do it.... Its to cold, I'm tired, it makes me need the toilet too much, and the bed is so squeaky I haven't shaved. She won't give oral and doesn't masturbate herself. It's really beginning to affect the relationship from my point of view. I don't like to be rejected all the time but I don't want to have sex if she does not want it. It seem to me shes sexually repressed and is not willing to be more open and become more comfortable with her own body. She doesn't have big breasts but I make sure I compliment her/them but if we do have sex she says she's cold and keeps her top on which isn't very sexy at all.
I know it may sound harsh the way I have put it but I'm really getting down about it and it just making me resent her.
Shes not overweight and is attractive, so get lots of attention when she out with the girls. Apart from this our relationships seems great and if this wasn't an issue I'd say it were near perfect and we get on so well, like the same food and going out for meals. I'm in my twenties and have a normal sex drive for a guy my age and so I'm start to think I want to enjoy this time while I can and have as much sex as possible while I'm able and I'd love it to be with her, both of us exploring each other together.

Now It may sound as if I'm putting the emphasis on her as the problem and believe me I have looked to see if it's anything I'm doing, I've also tried talking to her about it but it just seem she makes up excuses as to why she doesn't want to do it (see above) or says she knows it's a problem but then just kind if ignores it. I've tried seducing her kissing slowly on the neck and such like but she just says it tickles too much and she doesn't like it.

I don't know what it's like to be a woman of course but with men It's like to discover your need early on and buy doing it more it increases your sexdrive and also there is a carnal need to do it, my thoughts are that she hasn't yet discovered it for herself and so has not set in motion the perpetual need that come from that discovery.

Any advice welcome about how best to sort this out. Thanks in advance

Moomanhelp

I don't think the problem is stress but down to what sounds like her total lack of self-confidence and insecurity (indicated by her leaving her top on during sex!). Body worries can have a massive impact on all areas of a person's life, particularly any that involve being mostly or completely naked, e.g. summer, swimming, and sex!

I think you need to work very hard in getting to the root of this confidence problem, where did it come from, how does she feel, what would help? Make her feel like the most beautiful special creature in her world, not just in words but by showing her. If she wants to have sex with underwear or a sexy vest on let her. Eventually she should begin to relax and in little steps may begin to reveal more of herself.

You are right that she needs to explore her own sexuality - suggest she do this away from you when she has lots of time and no pressure. Buy her some nice underwear and run her a bubble bath with candles lit to create a romantic sexy atmosphere and leave her alone to spend some time exploring that side of herself.

Counselling may be an option, alone for her first and then maybe together. Don't be accusatory, try to listen non-judgmentally and be patient and understanding.

I don't think the problem is that she doesn't want to have sex with you, but that she has such little confidence that she is making any excuse to get out of it. Think - do you do anything to make her feel worse - e.g. watching porn/reading magazines featuring beautiful big busted women, or comment on other women on TV or in real life who she feels she is being compared to? All of these things can ebb away at her fragile confidence.

I'm glad that you want to help her, you obviously love each other but are missing out on a vital and wonderful part of your relationship.

Best of luck, Gemma.

hi just reading your concerns feels like i was reading what my boyfriend had wrote about me!im exactly the same as your girlfriend i DO NOT masturbate which i feel has stemmed from being a little younger (only 21 now) alot of my friends use to sleep around and shout abot there sex lives which i didnt like so i think i then began to think sex was dirty. but now im finding it hard to orgasm because i cannot pleasure myself!its putting a strain on my relationship cuz sex for me is mostly to please him and not me! i have recently been trying it myself which i think is working as i am becoming more turned on every time which makes me want it with my parner more! your girlfriend needs to do it herself and get over the sex is dirty thing,i am slowly and i can say it is working! i also find when my boyfriend doesnt want sex i want it more so when i cn be in control i gget more turned on so let her be incontrol it will work i promise! time is the key here, not to scare you but weve been together 3and a half years and only now am i relaxing! good luck x

I had exactly the same problem with my hubby (then boyfriend at the time). I just wasn't feeling horny. I did love him and was attracted to him but the more he tried to have sex he came accross as too keen and kinda put me off. I was also on the pill and found that when I came off the pill a few years ago - everything changed! Infact it's the other way around now, he's happy for once a week and I'd like once a night.

So try not being keen or bothered approach which may be turning her off and maybe if she's on the pill suggest she has a months break and use a condom? They are passion killers but the featherlight I found were the best, better to have some sex than no sex....

I can see from both sides so hope it helps.

...my good friend from work recently broke up with his girlfriend over a very similar sit...and it was 6-months in the making...all i can say is don't drag it out...sex is important to us all and if it's not so much so for her, then you guys will always end up arguing or fighting about it...easier said than done, but it's important to be with someone who is sexually as well as emotionally compatible with us. It's not selfish or stupid, so don't let anyone tell you that it is...if she's not giving it up now, it's not going to get any better-just worst. Unless you love her enough to be okay with no sex for the rest of your relationship? Either way, it's not good for either one of you and y'all need to move on to find more suitable partners in sex and life.

I have the same problem..sometimes I am just so tired, so worried (and these need only be lots of silly little things) so wound-up...that sex is number 200 on a list of things i want to do.i think of excuses .
Cuddle her without trying to have sex...ask her to tell you what is worrying her..tell her you want to hear how she feels, DO NOT GIVE HER SOLUTIONS just listen & empathise and tell her she is a good person and what a great team you make.

It may not be all that often but...this next bit is worth waiting for.
Say you want to treat her to a worry free night.

so...What works for me is a night in a hotel...every few weekends we get away...yep bout a mile away to a travel lodge. If you have kids this wil be very important to her. and let her take her mobile & keep it on.
We go to the nearest supermarket and buy naughty food (smoked salmon and champagne) and we bring exra bubbly bubble bath - don't jsut get a room with a shower.

We eat our pinic go to the bar & get me a bit tipsey
Don't ruin it by drinking too much yourself
Send her up to the room & ask her to surprise you with what you will find when you come up in 10 minutes. That could be a big bath to share , or a rude film on the tv, or candles & cream etc etc. TAKE IT EASY DON' GET TOO ADVENTUROUS OR SLEASY.let her lead.
Actually the first time maybe you could lead the way...ask her to wait 10 mins in the bar first - to give her the idea.
You will need to give her advance warning so that she can make arrangements and do ladies beautifying. don't insist on her dressing-up, let her decide all that.
I like him to pay me at the door too!Jeesh don't offer it unless she wants to play that game.
You might decide you are going to met for the first time in the bar
there are lots of games to play.
Ease her mind, let her talk, pamper her.
H

Thanks for all the replies.

Thanks for your suggestions H, But I don't think the issue is down to her being stressed (we're both young with no kids and not stressfull jobs). I think it's more down to the fact she hasn't discovered herself sexually yet. She doesn't masturbate so, If she doesn't know how to please or enjoy her own body I don't stand a chance. My feeling is that if she opens up to trying new things for herself it may work wonders when it comes to her sexual appetite with me, the problem is that I don't think she thinks masturbating is right, she went to an all girls school and god knows what they told them to keep them from the evils of thier own bodies ! My guess is sexual repression and lack of self exploration, not down to the fact we're not compatible or her being stressed. However saying this if she is not willing to try anything then I guess the situation will never change and i'll have to think twice about the relationship. At the end of the day I'm a young man and have a healty sexual appetite so why should I go without while I'm still young enough to enjoy it fully.

Moomanhelp

Ok well you might not think she has anything to be stressed about...but then you're a man. I suppose she is just being silly & frigid?hmmm sounds like you might be her biggest problem. You think she's sexually repressed, and I bet she feels like she's just not good enough for you - yeh that'll make her feel sexy.not.i know try sulking ! (bet you already have)
My advice is the same, make love to her brain.Or should she just masterbate & that will solve it all aaargh! She doesn't need to masterbate - she's not a penis obsessed man. she needs to feel cherished and worshiped, help her to feel loved , not just lined up for the next sh$g..but hay what do I know.
Please please buy the mars & venus book..or hint that she is failing your manly sexual natural urges how that .....doesn't ...work.
Good luck
H

Thanks for your reply,
Well it's all very well being the symbol of femenism but these days with the use of sex as a form of control why is it that I have to put all the effort in and she can just sit back and watch my try ! I have nothing against "making love to her brain" but at the ned of the day all women are different just the same as all men are and generalising all men being a penis obssessed really isn't gonna help either sex.
So let me know the next time you try making love to your boyfreind/husbands penis and them saying no evertime, goes for you. It seems women find it ok so dish out the information on how a woman should be treated to get her in the mood but when a man asks in the same way we get told we're penis obsessed and sex obsessed, at the end of the day our primary function on this earth is to procreate and when it comes down to it nothing more. In the animal kingdom there are mating rituals that the animals just 'know' how to perform, so excfuse me for having trouble trying to understand what the modern woman who is bombarded with social rights, wrongs and mixed messages wants from a relationship. It appears to me it depends on what they want when they want it ! If it really is the case that she just doesn't feel good enough for me then it really does show how corrupted the womens minds have becomse with the visions of the ideal women splattered accross the media, at the end of the day you get what your given and if it takes you till you 50 to realise that then you've lost many years that could have been spent enjoying yourself as you are, instead of worrying that you don't live up to the perfectionists portail of the female image.

I will get the book you suggest, I don remember one of my frined recommending it to me.
Thanks for our help H (I'm sure you'll have something to say about the above)

Moomanhelp

Hi again..thankyou for trying to understand, most men would just bolt for the door...I thought you had..its heart-warming that you are not just the run-of-the-mill. She is a lucky lady.I think men have a raw deal these days, but there is a game to be played and you can 'win'. Ok ... she has no worries?....Sex for women , baseline , is to make a baby. quote "to procreate" If they feel safe and secure and protected and loved they realise that it can be fun, they just need to be able to justify it(I am in a safe place) or relax from their natural genetic code..(alcohol and overwhelming grattitude) BUT we are also told, you'll get pregnant (unless you fill your body with a chemical that could give you breast cancer or strokes, or worse)or we risk aids so you need to get the rubber bags out and then what if one splits? The risk is high , unsexily high. Men can walk away...or run when you thought they were going to be with you forever...And then what if it all goes wrong...A hellishly strong tablet(2 actually) that chemcially forces your body to reject whats inside you...would you take it?? or an operation to kill somthing that has been confirmed as a future child just a little operation,with full anaesthetic..would you do it?
....but its just a bit of sex...nothing to worry about? And thats before she's anywhere near a bed..
I don't mean to generalise about men, I can only talk from experience.(44 years)I work with a lot of men and we talk frankly..I have learned a lot but i'll never know it all.
As for mating rituals..watch how the female acts...not overly interested.actually rejecting and cold.. while the male is jumping up and down making complete twonk of himself! ring any bells?
He says look at the nest i have built for you, lok at how i come to you even when you are ignoring me...
then the male goes off and doinks another female leaving her with the kid..niice.

Just because men & women look kinda similar...don't be fooled, we think very differently...the book will help.Its not impossible to understand each other...she will benefit too by understanding you better

Seriously now if you want sex , you need to pay for it - I know thats shocking...but its true....wait! not money...with trying to understand her emotions and respect. For some its too high a price, and they grab a bit of barely evolved pond scum (men in black) and take their chances.As in all spicies there are mutants...humans seem to have more than our fair share ..in nature they don't get to breed.
So how can I spout all this female wisdom dribble? We've been together 20 years and we are happier now than ever!I have 5 really good friends and I (emotionally)have been through their, boyfriends, husbands infidelity,kids , teens,lesbians, divorces,remariages affairs etc. along the way..I have learned so much. At home when i want it...he is so happy that he has earned this pleasure, I tell him wht he does right.and i want to reward him for being such a great guy.(pass the sick bag!)I reward him a lot!That way i am doing it for him...makes it less 'sinful'.
My advice remains.. Constant compliments and reasurance,ask her to talk to you & listen don't fix,sort out the baby worries,treat her brain to some godess worship, give her my e-mail (no forget that she's flip)
Auntie style hugs
H

Thanks for your quick reply H,

It all makes sense what your saying now i think about it. I'll order the book now and train myself to help us get what we both want from the relationship.

Thanks again.

Moomanhelp.

hi ! i can se you have been given good advise so i hope it all works out for you,she is a lucky girl! GOOD LUCK! shell

Big sigh of relief!)...glad to help..I'm always available if you need to ask something. Please leave the book around for her to find....and even recommend it to her(rave about it rather than tell her to read it, and especially when she asks why you've changed)...if all that fails (and the results are quick once you truly understand) then you will need to move on and make another lady very very happy.
Hugs
H

I looked for the book but there were two so I just got both.
Hope these are the rights ones (or at least on of them)

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: How to Get What You Want in Your Relationships
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion

with all this reading I won't have time to see her


Moomanhelp

Wow you don't waste any time ..Do the first one first.....don't try to run before you can walk.
I found them a bit 'American' but forgive them-that & trust. She could probably do with the rest!)
I am so pleased for you
H

Have never had such a problem. I think you should be more persistent and at the same time try to make her feel more relaxed - alcohol helps here, drink together. try to make her happy in the first place,and then you. when she sees you care about her and do everything to satisfy her , she will change her opinion. good luck!