Hello, everyone.
I suppose I need to tell you up front that this will be a difficult discussion to read, but I need your unbiased help and if at all possible, support. I also need to point out that though the things I talk about are scary and possibly detrimental, I understand all the consequencesand have accepted from the beginning what I need to do, that this pain and suffering is my consequence to endure, as well as the physical pain that has accompanied me throughout and will continue to throughout this incident. However, I am prepared for the worst, and although I am enduring it alone, know that as a strong individual and capable of overcoming (and having overcome) the worst of the worst, that I will make it through.
I do not feel regret, more anger at myself for having allowed the circumstances to lead to this, but in a way I feel as if this were just another necessary dubious trial I have to endure in my short 19 years. The world, Nature, whatever entity or spirit that we all feel resides around us (in the form of God, Buddha, Karma, whatever it may be to one), is testing me Every trial and issue I have had to overcome (and they have been plentiful and overbearingnot the normal teenage hardships), I almost feel has come for a reason. I have learned from all these mistakes, have not repeated them, and have only come out a better, stronger, more clear-headed individual.
I pray for peace one day, and feel that it is slowly coming.
So with that in mind, please continue if you wish, and open your heart to someone alone and in trouble.

I started suspecting that I was pregnant around January of this yearIt was a fleeting notion, that thought that passes through every womans mind occasionally. However, I shrugged it off, believing it to be the stresses of what was surrounding me causing the issues. The weight gain was slow at first, but this month I have had almost a dozen or so people ask me if I am pregnant. I tell them its weight gain due to stress at home, sitting around eating all the time. Which, isnt far from the truth, other than I rarely eat at all. They can see the tiny bulge around the base of my stomach, but know from my looks not to think anymore of it.
I cant tell anyone. The disappointment on both myself and them would be too much. It is not a good time in any way for me to come out and say HEY! I was an irresponsible little girl and now watch me go through this suffering, because theres nothing you can nor will do about it but scorn me. Not even mynow ex-boyfriend of almost two-years knows. (He dumped me last Friday on my birthday, and has treated me like crap throughout this entire relationship, and still on.)
I have been over-emotional, crying at the drop of a hat while at home (Ive conditioned myself over the years to not cry in public under any circumstance), and spend much of my time weeping on the bathroom floor. I feel so alone, and it just seems that every step forward I take is another 10 steps back.

I didnt feel pregnant. I still dont feel pregnant. I didnt take a home pregnancy test for fear of anyone seeing me buy it around town. (I'm in a VERY small town, full of malicious MALICIOUS people [this was the headquarters for the KKK at one point in time], and rumors only take a matter of hours or minutes to spread.) I was beginning to feel angry at myself for having these feelings, the weight-gain and the emotions. So, chalking it up to the factors at home, I began walking in the morning, and watching my diet so as not to pig-out anymore.
The walking didnt help, and I only got severe cramps from doing so. My ankles and feet would ache like they have never before, and even did so at work, leaving me pained for hours afterward. (I sub at an elementary school in the cafeteria-many hours of tedious standing and movement.)
I slept on my stomach as much as possible. Ive, unfortunately, been smoking twice as much this past year, and before confirming the pregnancy had been drinking as usual.
I finally went to the Health Clinic after setting up a PAP for getting back on birth control. The women there were as kind to me as I could have asked for, but confirmed that I was pregnant. One of them took me aside after the urine test and let me know, then began telling me shed set me up with the OB/GYN in town. I started sweating, and had been practicing what I was going to say to her all day, for days. I asked her if we could discuss options and she nodded. I told her that I needed to terminate the pregnancy, and she agreed, letting me know that she believed it was the womans choice to decide.
The local Planned Parenthood did not offer late-term abortion, and the only other clinic that was still open needed $1500 up front to do a three-day procedure, and its almost 2 hours away.
I barely make $50 a week anymore, honestly. I am blessed to have the support of my exs Parents as friends, who took me in when I was about to hit the streets last year. They do not know and I am not going to add that stress to them. However, I am in no financial position to even take care of myself at 19! I would NOT drag a child through this mess.
Adoption, you ask? I cannot carry this baby to term and not have people find out. I do not have the money to go through it, nor do I think honestly that the baby is going to make it all the way anyway.
I know what its like to not have a mother, and to know that the one that conceived you hates you and made it clear by stating it, that you were NOT her baby. I was raised by my father, who took me and my two younger siblings in after my biological mother passed away.
I do not know the blessed feeling of wanting to BE a mother, either. I have too much to accomplish in life as it is to really think of taking on a child, or placing that burden on another human being (that child), for no reason. I have never felt the feeling of motherhood, even as a little girl I never played with dolls or babies. (quite frankly, they frightened me-and not in a horror movie kind of way)

I have noticed that within the past month or so that the breast-swelling has gone away completely, and they are no longer plump and firm as they were before.
The feeling I have had the entire time is gassy, bloated-that feeling you get right after Thanksgiving dinner-everyday, just not with the happy lip-smacking smile. It hasnt felt as if another life is inside of me.
I accept that, though, knowing that this child and I have not established a bond. I believe though that this child WILL return when it is ready, and that this is a sign to me that I need to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, and pull my head out. Which, I have, with the recent break-up of me and my ex. (I obsessively devoted myself to him, and now it is time for that long awaited alone-time).

So I am asking you, women
Can you help me understand the process of taking care of this at home?

I have not experienced any bleeding, but the past two years my periods have gone from being detrimentally heavy, to almost nonexistent months before the pregnancy occurred.

I do plan on scheduling a sonogram, in the least, when bleeding begins, simply to make sure that I am not going to die from an abnormal pregnancy, or that hemmhoraging is not taking place.

I do plan on intense pain, and know the warning signs of when to book it to the hospital, and when to stay put. I have become more intensely connected with my body, and also understand the emotional paranoia and craze that occurs in times such as these.

Can anyone help me understand exactly what I should do while enduring this, give me some experience of yours, or advice for how to handle it?
I also do plan on at least one other sonogram afterward to ensure that there will be no infection or further risk

I believe I will also present this child with a proper burial, and pay my respectsWish it luck on its return to my womb in the years to come when we can properly be acquainted.


There is so much I can say, but I shouldnt, I'm already lengthening this out as it isI have not been able to talk to anyone about this, so this is more of my GUSH.
I appreciate anyone whos reading this and not fuming in their seats
And I also send out my condolences to all the mothers and future-mothers out there who are having issues with a WANTED pregnancy I wish you the best of luck and love, and am sorry for your pain.

I had to reply to you because you sound completely desperate, and goodness knows what may have happened by now as you posted this over a month ago. If you try to abort a baby of this age at home, you will probably end up bleeding to death, so do not try to do anything to yourself or the baby; it is simply not possible to do anything. You are in trouble emotionally and are not thinking straight. Please, please get some help, talk to someone you trust. You have waited too long to abort this baby and now you will have to wait for the pregnancy to take its course, and give the baby up for adoption at the end. or even consider keeping it and giving it a different life from the one you had. You could end up being a good mother; think about giving yourself a chance.
For anyone to tell you how to self abort a baby at this stage would be for them to become accomplices in your suicide. Please write back and let us know how you are getting on.

im sorry but i feel so cross, the women on here are grieving and going thru emotional tumoil at the the loss of there babies from 4 weeks up. you are lucky enough to get to 6 months and are talking bout trying to kill your baby. i dont mean to upset and i appreciate you are goin thru a really rough patch but seek help dont do this on your own, your thoughts and feelings are all over the place. i feel for you i really do but i hope you can cee my point too...

i hope this has not seemed rude, and i tried to not be judgemental but maybe a abortion forum would e more fit to of wrote on , my first baby survived at 6 1/2 months gestation so you talking bout trying to abort at this stage is so hurtful to me and so wrong, maybe you should of done some thing about this once you found out rateher than so late on when this baby is alive and could survive.

again ill stop there i hope this has not upset any one but i had to say my peace sorry
x

Hello

You do sound like a very intelligent young woman however i must agree with gaelfish's post. i was about to write with the same content and then found gaelfish had got there before me!

i would strongly advise against what you plan to do. not because of what i would do in your situation, or any of my personal experiences but i think you will, at the least, regret what you do for the rest of your life, as well as the possibility of seriously harming yourself.

i dont doubt you have thought long and hard about this but you could have resolved it long ago if you hadnt been selfish about your own image and what people might have thought of you. so what if people you dont like anyway think you were irresponsible once, what you are about to do would cause much more of a stir and your community is as so close knit as you say someone would find out anyway. anyway, that is in the past and im sorry.

The longer you leave it the more of a hole you are getting yourself in, and the more your baby is developing.

As gaelfish said there are plently of people who do want babies and would possibly pay you for yours. i think this is something you should consider as it would maybe help you get your life back on track and take you out of that community you obviously despise. Is there a reason you cant move away from this community where no-one will knowm you for a few more months?

And, if you are about 6 months it is probable people already know and are just waiting for you to confirm it.

From my own personal experience i had a termination as a teenager as i never wanted children. I dont regret my decision whatsoever. The maternal instinct will kick in eventually and i dont want this to haunt you for as long as you live.

Im sorry if i have been biased but dont think you will get an 'unbiased angel' anywhere. people may feel for you as i do, but people will always have an opinion. It wasnt my intention whatsever to be harsh in any way, but feel you need all the help and advice you can get. people are there to help and i, along with many others on here are also. good luck to you and hope you make the right choice. x

Thank-you for your response, and there is no need to apologize. You said it right there: everyone has their opinions, and that is basically what I asked for. I'm not asking for pity, just some...words...Someone to talk to.
And it's not necessarily that I'm worried how this town will look at me, it's that I am not capable of doing this-period. Circumstances led me to believe I had more time to worry about these precautions, but life doesn't work that way.
Yes, I realize that many many people want children, but I, personally, am not going to do that to another human being.
I'm not going to tell this child that it's not good enough for me, but someday I'll have more and they were?
This may seem off to most of you, but I've had my fair share of dealing with life and people, and have come to understand that all in all we are simply organisms...So, while there is remorse for what's happened and what will happen, I feel that as one organism to another this is the way...
Thank-you again for your post...And you are absolutely right, I do not deny that.

When does your organism growing in your womb become a human being? At your stage of pregnancy your living baby looks something like this:

http://www.hss.state.ak.us/dph/wcfh/informedconsen-t/2ndtri_images.htm#22wks

So what was it again that you didnt want to do to another human being?

Sometimes the only gift a mother can give her child is the gift of life.

If you think about it though, this is the greatest gift you can give. Let some other mother and father give your child love, diapers and a college education.

Abortion does not turn back the clock. I think you are in a very strange place in your head to try to justify it, and in a way I can understand that.
But I cant understand how giving your child a painful death now is kinder than letting him or her live and have a chance of a happy life with some couple who are aching for children of their own, and capable of giving your child a secure future.

The thing is though that you can go through with it. It is only another 3 months or so, and yes it will be hard, but much easier on everyone concerned than trying to perform a home abortion, or any type of abortion for that matter.

You are much more than meerly an organism, and so is the child growing safely in your womb. Ye both are precious human beings, deserving of love and respect, and if you have not experienced the love and respect you deserve in your short life, then you can be a hero and love and respect your own child enough to give it life.

Just life, a safe harbour for another few months. That is all your child is asking you for...

..and if you survived your difficult life so far, then giving birth will be a walk in the park for you. Hey girl, you can do it!

Hi Hun,

Wow, that was a long posting. Seems like you have been dealt a pretty difficult deck of cards in life, and yet you are only 19!. You seem like a courageous intelligent girl, but you are all in a knot over this crisis pregnancy. If you noticed you were pregnant as far back as january then that makes you at least 6 months pregnant by my reckoning. The thing is that a baby can survive outside the womb at this stage, so this is really serious stuff.

I want to know why you think that the worst thing that could happen is that people would find out you were pregnant. Does it really matter that much to you what other people think? Is this more important than say putting your life at risk by some kind of botched DIY abortion? Man what would people say then?

Thinking along the lines you are thinking will have you end up in hospital, and maybe in the papers as well, as this is something fairly newsworthy. Id say you could do without that kind of attention, unless you are a complete drama queen, which I doubt.

You think you are so strong, you will do everything yourself, you will suffer the consequences yourself, you will get over it yourself, etc etc. I guess growing up without a mom would make any girl pretty self reliant, but you need to be a bit more realistic, and for goodness sake ASK FOR HELP.

The thing is that you are carrying a unique unrepeatable baby inside of you. This baby has its own unique DNA and fingerprints, and no matter how many other children you bear in your life in the future, it will not be the same as this one. There is no 'returning to you'. No more than your mom or anybody else you have lost will return to you in this life. Im sorry, but please dont delude yourself. If you make the right choices then you will see them all again one day in Heaven, but that is another story, and lucky for us God is all mercy and kindness.

I know that there are many pro life centers who will reach out an help girls in your circumstance. They will be kind and generous with you, and will respect your dignity. At this late stage in your pregnancy this is where you need to go. If you PM me with the location of you town I will PM you back some details. I live in France, and will of course respect your privacy.

You dont need to put your life at risk, you dont need to put your future fertility at risk, you dont need to put your health at risk, you dont need to end your child's life, you dont need to care for your child once he or she is born, some adoptive parents pay for the medical expenses of the mom, some even pay the mom outright for carrying the baby. Just stop the smoking and drinking, you cant afford it anyway, and get yourself to a pro life counsellor who will outline your options.

Any 'angel' who gives you some DIY abortion information is not an 'angel', but a deamon. Sometimes its hard to tell the difference.

Love and best wishes
Siobhan

I'd always maintained when I first started coming on this site that I wouldn't ever be judgemental of anyone's circumstances, and I stand by that, so I hope what I say doesn't sound like that, and believe me when I say I feel for you and all the torment, confusion, and pain you are going through which has resulted in you being in what sounds to me like a living hell.

However, what you're talking about is essentially ways to self abort at the moment which is very different to an unplanned or unwanted miscarriage, and I don't doubt you will feel the same raw emotions that we've all felt should this turn out the way you are trying, but I feel compelled for the sake of your baby which by your story could make you as far as 5 months gone, to urge you to rethink your METHODS as opposed to your decision (which I think you've made, and do I respect you for that).

If you have not been successful so far then then what you are doing could well be impacting it in some way, and I would echo whats already been posted on here about the risks of it being born with defects etc.

You have made all these planned references to when you plan to get scans and do tests etc to check your own well being but I don't see how what you're doing can be treated as simply as you plan and as simply as wondering what will happen at home, as all miscarriages are different, like all pregnancies. I'm sorry.

I don't know how your health care system works, but you say you work, and I guess you pay taxes, so you must be afforded the same duty of care by your health care providers if you explained to them fully what you've been doing, I don't see how they could turn their back on you. Your well being in all this is just as important.

I hope you don't feel some of what I have said is harsh, this is not my intention, but the gestation of your possible pregnancy made me feel unable to not urge you to please try and get some help and soon.

Take care of yourself,
N x

No, I don't find it harsh, and I thank you for your words...
I understand that birth defects are a possibility, and that is why I do not want this to go wrong, both for myself and this organisms self...
I would find myself putrid if that were to happen, and as soon as I go back into the clinic this week, I will speak to them and see what I can do.
I try to listen to my body as well as I can and if it says 'stop', I will listen...
The work issue plays into life at home, which has been utter dispair and loss here lately, but as things are picking up I'm feeling hope in my situation...You are right, and there MUST be some alternative I can find, I just need to look harder.
Thank-you to both you and the poster below for your words.
I understand that every pregnancy and incident is different, but with a general idea of what's to come perhaps I can prepare myself a little better...
Thank-you again

You dont need to look harder - your local healthcare provider should be working harder to help you through this and to assist you in finding a solution for both you and this baby.

You will find invaluable support on this website from many many ladies from all walks of life that have gone through the same situations and completely different ones. Rely on that help before making any decisions of self abortion that could not only harm you but could lead to a child with a lifetime of complications.

I am so glad that you have read our messages.

I have a friend who's Mother didnt want her from the very beginning. She tried everything to end her pregnancy but sadly her attempts failed. My friend was born with severe defects due to this. She was put up for adoption shortly after birth but has grown up with pure hatred for the women who put her through torment.

I urge you to please get medical help. Do not do this on your own. I do not know how far along you are but you also need to think about whether this fails and you induce early labour which brings about a baby that survives with severe problems.

Please dont do this - I know financially you have no other option but there are alternatives!!! Speak with your local clinic - tell them everything - they HAVE to help you.

I am writing this on the spur of the moment so hope it makes sense to you! My heart breaks for you in your situation and you must be feeling like you have nowhere to turn. I don't know how you are planning on bringing this about and to be frank I don't think I want to! I just urge you to take care of yourself. Having been through two miscarriages I know how incredibly painful and frightening it can be and I lost my two babies much earlier than yours. Do you have anyone that you can call on to be with you? Is there someone who you can go and stay with to get out of your smallminded town and have time to consider your options? I know that your health system is much different to ours and am finding it so hard to believe that there is no support for you that you have to go to such extremes. Keep in touch and use the support on here if you have no other.

Take care sweetheart
Clare