I had a miscarriage about 9 months ago - it came as a shock to both my boyfriend and I because we had used protection. Nevertheless i bled for 3 weeks before i began to feel really weak and was taken to hospital where i had to have a scan and an internal examination where they confirmed I had miscarried. I cried and cried for days and i felt like my boyfriend was simply relieved. To this day i just don't know what he thinks about it - all i know is that we have only slept together around 5 or 6 times since then. When i initiate any kind of intimate contact, he just says he wants a hug. I've tried talking to him about it but he just insists it is him and the problem is in his head. He won't tell me what it is he is thinking - I feel unattractive to him, unloved and useless. I feel like if I can't even carry his baby, how am i supposed to keep him happy.

I just don't think he wants me any more. Please help. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Hugs and kisses xxxx

Although your boyfriend is coming across as distant, he may also still be in shock that you lost the baby, at times like these we need as much love & support as possible however for some people its hard coming to terms with it, your boyfriend may feel at fault? As you say, it was a shock when you were pregnant as you were using contreception however your boyfrind may have started to come to terms with it all & was maybe getting just as excited as you were? and then to see you go through such emotional & physical pain its scared him.

As quick as he found out he was going to be a dad, he found out just as quick that he wasnt. It a very emotional time for you both & it may take a little more time for him to start opening up & talking about how he feels. I could be completly wrong about all this but I really do hope that you sort things out.
Im in the process of finding out if I am miscarring myself, I posted a message just before yours headed "am i miscarrying"

At the moment my boyfriend feels i am pushing him away which i feel guilty about & have tried being more loving however its just the not knowing and the emotional stress & worry of it all just makes me want to close up & run a million miles away!

Best of Luck

Jo xx

I know my boyfriend feels like he is at fault and what scares me is that he is reluctant to be intimate with me because he fears he might get me pregnant again.

When we found out I was pregnant I was sooooo scared, but also excited at the possibility of having a baby with a man I love so much. But he was just scared and insisted there was no way we could have a baby and provide for it. Something that I didn't really understand since we have our own home and earn enough between us to be able to copy with a whole bunch of kids!! But it was obvious to me he was pleased that he didn't have to make the decision between keeping the baby or not. Which made me very angry. And i don't know how to get things back on track.

I wish i could give you some advice about your boyfriend and how to avoid that distance between you - just try and be as open with him about how you feel as you can. I felt very alone, mainly because I wanted the baby and I was already a mum in my head, whereas men tend to only really appreaciate fatherhood until the physically bond with a baby - so we were coming from different angles.

Keep your chin up and talk through everything!!

Lots of love xxxxx

Ruth xxx

However, he said he was worried about me more than anything else, that if losing the baby meant he got to keep me then he couldn't really say he was sad or regretful. By the time we found out it was a miscarriage it was almost 4 weeks of constant heavy bleeding and I hadn't rested at all etc.. I was aneamic, weak and quite ill by the time we got to hospital and the triage nurses were all very worried - which didn't help matters really.

I guess i just hoped that it would make us stronger and I guess i also hoped that I would get over it - but I still cry about it now, and I still get very angry and upset.

Hi Ruth,

Have you considered councelling? It's something you could do together. It seems that he's scared, maybe not just of being a dad but that last time you got pregnant you became very ill. He may feel responsible for making you so poorly and the thought of it happening again is difficult for him to deal with.

A miscarriage is a very traumatic time, I've had two, the first one put me in hospital for 3 days because I bled so much and was in so much pain. My man was not only devastated that we were losing our baby, he also cried because I was suffering so much.

People deal with these things in all different ways and the communication can break down a little between people as they attempt to come to terms with what has happened,the experience is so different for the man than it is for the woman and so are their ways of dealing with it. Perhaps councelling will help you to rebuild communication between you. You will always feel the loss for your baby but it should get easier with time, it has been 9 months, at that stage I was devastated because I kept thinking "I should have my baby by now" I felt like a failure and my partner knew this.

When we lost our baby this time (last weekend) we were stronger, we talked, we listened and we respected eachothers need to deal with things alone too.

I'm sorry this is long, I hope it helps.

Lots of love and best wishes in getting yourselves back on track.

Sarah. xx