hey havent spoken on here in a few days but i have been trying to sort out what it is i want. firstly i wanna say a HUGE thank u to every1 who has sent me messages they have meant so much more than you could have ever imagine. (esp. sammy, siobhan, kiles and melissa - thanx xx)

Sorry siobhan but, i didnt tell jake about the pregnancy. he left to go back home today...without me. it broke my heart to watch him go but (as cowardice as it is) i made the excruciating decision not to tell him and have also ended it with him. i gave him some stupid excuse about how i wanted to "live my life before settling down"; he made me promise that i'd call him in a few years. when i suggested that we stay in touch he said no as it'd be "too painful" - SERIOUSLY cheesy i know, but what can i say i fell for the guy! and before anyone tells me i will regret it or i did the wrong thing, i already know. and i also know that i am gonna cry SO much over all of this - not just about taking this baby out of my life but also about taking jake out of my life too.

My appointment is at the clinic tomorrow morning. i'm booked in for a surgical abortion. and all of a sudden i feel so alone...and so, so, so scared. i keep trying to imagine what it's like and how it feels. at the moment i am just hoping i am gonna be ok to work tomorrow night, i work three jobs just to make ends meet and i cant afford to take anymore time off. it's gonna be hard enough losing the money i would have earned tomorrow AND having to pay a load of money for the actual procedure.

And whats worse is i know i really want to keep it. sorry its been a long one but i having a bad day and i got no-one else to talk to

awww babes im sat here crying my heart out for you.... i know how hard it is for you... and i will always be here for you if u need me!!! but do what is right for you... NO One Else!!!! Love u hunni xxxxxxxxxxxxx

so youll be awake?! and yes youll be able stand up without feeling drowsy but youll have cramps and alot of blood loss clots and everything. i had 3 days off work when i had mine it was agony for days and i knew it was what i wanted. you sound like you really dont want to abort but feel you have too so god knows how youll feel after. youll also have the hormones leaving your systemm so will be all tear full and weepy. you need to think of yourself. and why are you paying for it? nhs is free and just as quick in some areas those clinics have girls in and out like cattle they are truly awful. omg im sooooo worried for you i wish i could meet up with you you obviously need a good friend right now. oh hunni remember you can change your mind at any time please dont do anything you dont want you are stronger than you think and this baby could be the making of you. ok itll be hard work but isnt doing 3 jobs and getting rid of the one you love, youll have to live with this forever. please mail me huni i need to know if your ok xxxx

i payin 4 it coz my doc said no. i then went to a family planning clinic who refered me to marie stopes - they said it was my only option. its costing a bl**dy fortune too!
ye i gonna b awake and i absolutely PETRIFIED at the idea. Did u bleed straight away? i think they said something about not bleeding for a couple of days but they were telling me so much stuff i didnt take it all in.
ur right working 3 jobs is horrid. but if i have this baby i wont be able to work so i wont have money coming in; i rent a room in a house full of men (i the only woman and u dont even want to imagine what i gotta put up with on day-to-day basis from them) they are all w*nkers (sorry but they truly are). and if i pregnant then i cant stay here coz the landlord doesnt allow kids, so then i'll be homeless too. you might say its better if i get out of the house but i got nowhere else to go

there are hostels they are like the shared house but really good ive been in one and you start to bond like a family, theres also ginger bread and places where you have wardend flats until the council give you somewhere, its really not that bad ok benefits arnt a good thing butas soon as the babys born you can work again. i was back at work by 7 weeks. please dont do this just because of these reasons. there are plenty of options please just look into them before you go. ring the housing or look on the internet. please. xxx

I had a surgical abortion about 9 years ago. Believe me your decision will live with you for the rest of your life.

As for being able to work after the precedure tomorrow,I am assuming,like myself you will have had a general anaesethic (SPELLING!) anyway if you are you will not be able to work tomorrow night. You will feel tired and also have an incredible feeling of emptimess and loss and working will not be where you will want to be.

I felt this when I had my termination....and I knew I didn't and couldn't have the baby.You want this baby and it will be compounded even more.

I wish you well and hope that things go well for you.

Nicki x

no i not having an anaesthetic, the doc at the clinic said that i would recover quicker without one. i going to a marie stopes clinic

thanx for the well wishes tho