I am 24, living at home with my parents in a 1 bedroom council flat, no job, and am at least 8 weeks pregnant, possibly more. I have a scan next mon to determine how far gone I am in the pregnancy. It's with the same clinic who provide abortions, so I could have an aortion scheduled on the same week. I am so, so, so scared. The thought of an abortion absolutly terrifies me, far more than being pregnant. This fear is totally paralysing me because in reality I cannot go through with the pregnancy. It was unplanned for, I cannot financially bring up a baby (how can I? I have no job, no qualifications, no support from my boyfriend of 3years if I go through with it) I am in a loving relationship but my partner is not ready for a child. He said we cannot financially support it. He is 27, living at home and on a low income based job. He said we haven't made anything of ourselves yet, which is true. I was raped over 3 years ago and since then have not been in full time employment. I have just started looking for work and trying to build a life for myself and a baby was not on the cards.

Apart from an abortion, what I fear most is my reaction to the obvious awnser from anyone I tell this to or who will read this, is that i'm right, i'm not ready for a baby and that it would be selfish of me to bring one into the world. But I know in my heart I don't want to hear that. In my heart I think I know I want to keep this child, and this is terrifying me as I know I can't. I really don't know what to do. And my partner, who is otherwise loving and supportive, pretty much said he will walk away if I have this baby as he simply cannot be a dad yet. I really don't know what to do. Has anyone been in this position or anything similar, and what was the outcome? I would really appreciate your view/ story.

Heidi.

Firstly it is your choice, if you feel that YOU are responsible enough to care, love and provide for a baby, without cracking up when your partner walks then you have to consider having the baby as an option. People have a tendency to get by and make the best of bad situations. If you feel that the baby is more important then the reasons for an abortion then the only thing is to decide if you are strong enough.

However, Abortions really aren't as bad as you may think. I should know after having 3 of them. I am not a serial abortionist and have not relied on them instead of protection, what I am trying to say is that I am not made of stone.

Each time I have had to go through an abortaion it has been incredibly hard and emotional at the time however, they are only a small part of my life now. I do feel a twinge of regret on occasions and sware that I will never have another one .. but I know that I had vaild reasons for them and would not change that for anything.

I have had 3 abortions and 2 children in 7 years. 2008 will be the first year ( I hope ) that I will not be pregnant since I was 21.

It is not selfish of you to bring a child in to this world. What would be selfish is if you felt to pressured to do what other people want.

As I have said, this all depend on how stable you are, mentally. Having a baby is not easy, it is brilliant but f**king hard.

Take the scan and go with your gut instinct, Only you know what is best for YOU!

Lots of love and thought coming your way!. x

Hi, I have been in the same position as you, when i was 22 i found i was pregnant by my then ex boyfriend who i had left as he was violent, i was living in a safe refuge and had nothing, no job, money or even clothes. I considered abortion but really didnt want to go through with one so i went ahead and had a beautiful baby girl. It was hard looking after her on my own but i had support from health visitors and social workers and within a few months of making my decision they had helped me get a home and lots of financial support so please dont feel that you have to have an abortion as there is help out there if you go ahead with the pregnancy.I think from what you say that you do want to keep this baby but you do have to think very carefully about what is best for you, i think you know deep down what you want and your gut feeling is usually right. It must be your decision and not influenced by any threats your partner may make about leaving, at the end of the day this is down to him 2 and he has to deal with the consequences as much as you. Having said that i think that if he did leave then he would be showing his true colours and though it wouldnt feel like it , it may be for the best. Do what feels right for you and please dont think you are selfish no matter what you decide, this is your life and neither decision is in any way selfish. Take care.

Do you know what Heidi, I think you would be a really great mum. It would NOT be selfish of you to bring this baby into this world. Becoming a mother is the most natural and unselfish thing you could possibly do. You have already a strong emotional attachment to this child, and in your heart you obviously do not want to abort.

It seems like something has really knocked the self esteem out of you, maybe the rape you mentioned, that could surely do it; but you have to know that you are a very special person, who is worthy of love, and who can give love to your precious child.

You seem galvanised to the spot - If you had this baby, could you not get a one bed social housing appartment for yourself? Nearby your parents to be sure, but this way, instead of a broken heart you would have your very own child to love. Who knows this baby could be the very thing you need to motivate you to get back out into the world. It could really motivate you to continue your education or training. You would be doing it for someone else you see, your own child who you would give your life for.

You are afraid of everything now, but the time has come to take one positive step in your life. Tell your boyfriend you are keeping his baby, tell your parents that they will be grandparents, go talk to the council about new digs and benifits and arrange to move out soon.

Id say you are used to living on a pittance, and if you look around and prepare well you dont need to spend too much money on the baby stuff. Hey you have around 8 months to figure all that out. A new baby does not need a new McLaren buggy, s/he needs most of all a mammys love.

Maybe your boyfriend will desert you, maybe he will stick around and this child could make him a man. Who knows? Sometimes the thought of a child can be very scary, but the reality is that noone can resist a newborn.

I do know however that aborting your baby will just give you a whole new set of emotional and mental problems - you just dont want to go there.

Please PM me if you want more support.

Ill be praying for you and your baby.

Dear Gaelfish,

I would just like to make clear to dear Heidi that having an abortion does not always mean " a whole new set of emotional and mental problems " and if she did want to go there (for her own reasons) then this may also be for the best.

I feel that the line "You just don't want to go there" is a bit strong and one sided.

I don't mean to cause any offence.

K

Thanks for your input.

I am basing my statement on studies which show that there is a link between abortion and subsequent emotional problems. If you want to have a look at one study check out the following link on

Psychiatric admissions of low-income women following abortion and childbirth

http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/abstract/168/10/125-3?ijkey=d806c35cfa5322e898 3c124417490a35f7fde2cf&ke-ytyp e2=tf_ipsecsha

Im not making this stuff up! You are right though, I am completly one sided when it comes to the abortion issue. It hurts the women so much, especially if they wanted to keep their baby and felt pressured into an abortion (sounds a bit like this case...)

Take care and thanks for your comment

Have you ever looked in to mental problems in women post birth and compared them? I would be interested to know because I have been through the birth of 2 children and had 3 abortions(all of which were the right choice for me at the time).

After having both children I suffered from post natel depression and it really effected all areas of my life. The children were the centre of my life but I felt that there was nothing more in the world for me.

However, after having an abortion I have only felt a sense of releif, a little emotional due to the hormone in balance and a little empty and a twinge of regret but nothing compared to the pain and anguish my family went through after giving birth.

I am not here to argue but I also feel that sometimes people are so scared of abortions (just like me each time I have had to go through it) that they feel that they can never truly open up. This would also have to be taken in to consideration before I offered advice.

Once again, I ask you iife you have ever had to go through this and if not, I am interested to know why you are giving advice based statistics and other peoples experiences? Do you have the womens feelings and well beings at the heart or are you just pro life?

I would be happy to take this conversation to PM so not to hurt anyones feelings.

Yours curiously,

Kelli

Hi Kelli,

I have sent you a pm, but in reading your posting again you ask an interesting question re comparison of problems after birth vs after abortion.


I include an excerpt from the website
http://www.abortionfacts.com/online_books/love_the-m_both/why_cant_we_love_them_both_9.a sp

Suicide is rare among pregnant women, but much more common after induced abortion. It is never re-ported under maternal mortality from abortion, of course, even though it is causative.

"The suicide rate after an abortion was three times the general suicide rate and six times that associated with birth.... the rate for women following a live birth was 5.9 per 100,000; following miscarriage 18.1; following abortion 34.7." They note that women frequently get short term "post-natal blues after having a baby, but that this rarely translates into suicide, and that the initial stress of having a child is transitional, the over-all effect having a positive effect on womens health." M. Gissler, Abortion/Suicide Link,Br. Med. J., Dec. 6, 1996


Best Regards
Siobhan