Ok well i have lived both worlds.Many years ago i had an abortion and afterwards it left me in tatters, i spent the next 18mths in counsilling.
Not too long after that i fell pregnant again, knowing i couldnt abort again i had the child, the father made it very clear that was the choice i made so full responsibilty 24/7 was mine, and that is how its stood for 11yrs now.It was a very hard road.
4yrs ago i thought i was in a stable relationship and we got pregnant, only for him to choose at 15wks pregnant he no longer wanted the baby, by then it was too late...so yet again i bought up a 2nd child alone, all responsibilty my own.
And now i am faced with a 3rd, father is adamant he doesnt want it, and i can not face doing it alone a 3rd time.This i thought could be an easy choice, it is not.I do desperately want a 3rd child, and if i was in a happy, stable relationship i know this would be top of my want list.I feel soo ripped off that the joy of motherhood has been tarnished for me everytime, that if the men just stood up to their part things wouldnt be this way.I am also very aware im now in my late 30's and this could be my last chance.I soo dont want to abort, yet i cant financially, emotionally do it alone a 3rd time...and on the flipside im scared how i will react to this termination after my past.

hope you ared doing well, and understand what you have said. it must be awful having to explain to children why only one parent loves them, that would break my heart. i have one baby and she is the one i have to think about first. xx

I went today, and now its over...i dont know how i feel, just numb.I do feel i made the right choice though for everyone, myself the 2 kids i already have and the one i loved very much but will never meet.I know some wont understand, but i like to think i spared this sole, although it would be loved by me, i could have given it a lifetime of heartache knowing it wasnt loved by its other parent....and i already have 2 children suffering thru that now, i know how much it breaks them.One day this child will come back to me, and be loved very very much under the right circumstances

Hi ya Kiara,

I am someone who is very pro choice. I have had 3 abortions and have come out the other side unscaved and better of for it. However, you don't sound as though this is what you want.

If I felt like you do I think I would keep the baby. (I have 2 under 5's at the mo) I know how hard this challange will be for you and would probably be as scared as you, even with a partner but I really feel that you need to listen to your heart as that is where your strength lies.

You know that generally Women can cope with all kinds of crap but what I find hard to deal with is coping after a choice I felt was forced on me.

Money will be tight, time to raise the kid will be tight but as long as you love them and provide for them you will find a way if you want to.

I wish you and you family all the best. Please come back for support which ever way you turn. XXX PM if you want

hi there kiara ,im on going to put pressure on you like others on this site feel they have the god given right to do so but i just wanted to give you some info ,you dont have to give up your job because you are pregnant ,im currently pregnant and i work with horses as dangerous enough job as it is with all the heavy lifting and risk of getting hurt by one of the horses but the law states that if your job is too physical or dangerous to do whilst pregnant your employer has to find you lighter duties to do this will not affect your pay if that cant be done they have to suspend you on full pay till your maternity leave starts ,go on the goverment website and check out the rules and laws for working whilst pregnant it should have everything you need on there

when i wake up tommorow, i have to somehow arrange for my kids to be looked after all day.Get myself to the clinic, go thru the proceedure, get myself home, pick up my kids and look after them, and somehow pretend its a normal day.I cant remember how im going to feel physically as well as emotionally, guess ill just have to deal with it.

Hi

Could you tell me your approximate location, even country and I will do some networking and research and see if there is any practical help we can get you to enable you to have this child. You are not totally on your own, even if it feels like that now.

Ill check this site today regularly to see if you respond.

Siobhan

I appreciate what you have said, but i know what resources are available to me, i have done this twice before....end of the day i guess, i just want the chance to share parenthood, the sleepless nites, the first milestones, the joy on your childs face...the hard times and the good,its all very lonely when there is just you.I also want that for my child.Sometimes we can love them too much, we want to spare the heartache.

Hi Kiara

Hope you're doing ok. Is it just the consultation and scan tomorrow? x

no the proceedure

Ah ok. Hope it goes smoothly for you. Have my consultation tomorrow and already scared about that! Have you found someone to look after the other little ones yet? Is there anyone close you can talk to? I'll be thinking of you xx

But the physical job is one that i need income wise, but it is also part-time, in the country i am in, part-time employees dont get those rights.I know this as i also had to give up another job at 20wks with my last child.

sorry i couldnt have been of more help ,im part time too and hate having to rely on childcare for the times i cant be there ,i too had a termination two years ago and although i know in my mind that i couldnt have coped with a baby at that time it never leaves you does it ,i hope that things work out for you either way ,i feel for you as it seems such a desperate situation to be in ,some men really have no idea do they ? take care of yourself x

Your right Sarah, it does never leave you, there hasnt been one day in the last 12yrs that i havent thought of my unborn child.I even have a special place, that i still visit weekly, men in my life would say this is just prolonging the torment on myself, however we cope how we have to.I wear a special charm around my neck that symbolises the child i never had, i still love that child just as much, even though i never met them.
I cant believe im in this place, yet again i really cant.

dont beat yourself up hun its not in your control now all you have to do is believe that whatever you decide is the right choice to make and it will be because its you making the decision and no one else ,yes i know its a funny way of looking at it but its what i believe ,rightly or wrongly i had a termination but at the time its what was right for me and you are the most important thing in all this ,stay strong and if you need a chat i will be back tomorrow x

Hi Kiara (pretty name!),

I guess if you read any of the postings here you would see that I am very pro life. The thing is that abortion has not gotten easier since your first one. It is still horrendus, and hurts the mothers so much. Something tells me that you are not even emotionally over your first abortion, even though it is so many years ago, so why would you go and do this to yourself again, not to mention to your child?

You are so let down by the men in your life, and you have to look at yourself and see what is it in you that keeps attracting and trusting this type of man, only to be bitterly disappointed. This is the 4th man where the pattern has repeated itself, right?. This is more than just bad luck. You need to protect your little heart better than this in future, as you are worth much better treatment.

I would be afraid for your two other little ones if you had an abortion and then had a breakdown afterwards. You are the only parent in this family, and you have to be working on full strength. All things considered, it is easier to cope with a small child than a big depression.

I know you feel you are at the end of your rope right now, and I have every sympathy for you in your situation, but I dont think abortion is going to solve any of your real problems.

Could you consider fostering as an option. You can do this on a short term basis, just until you get back on your feet after the baby. If you PM me with the town you live nearest to I will look up some options for you.

I am also in my 30s and would love to have another kid (working on talking the hubby around, wish me luck). Look on this pregnancy as an unexpected gift, maybe one you did not ask for, but this baby could be a huge blessing to you in your life.

Take care dear Kiara

Siobhan

Your correct i do keep attracting these type of men, this is exactly why ive taken the last 3.5yrs out for myself, ive turned down dates, and became a hermit i suppose.This time though, i have known the father 15yrs, this is the ONLY reason i even contemplated a relationship with him, we talked for many months beforehand and he knows what i went thru in the past, and was sympathetic...until now
I am very worried about how i will cope if i abort.
On the other hand though, 3 children, i had to go back to work when my 2nd child was 3days old, it is only me who can support them financially.I missed out on soo much with my 2nd child because i was forced to work and put the child in childcare, and im still doing so, i currently work 2 jobs and have done for over a year now.I have no doubt at all that the same will happen with a 3rd, infact i would loose one job straight away due to how physical it is, i couldnt do it during pregnancy, and i have to support the children i do have now.
As for fostering, although it may sound like a solution, and im sure for alot it is, im very much a person that my kids are my responsibilty, i chose to have them, i chose the consequences, not to be palmed off, you dont afterall have children to pass on the responsibilty.
In a perfect world, id have a partner who could support us, and none of these reasons would even have to enter my head, i feel like its just so unfair.

Yeah it is unfair. You sound like a hard working responsible kind of person. Sometimes though the only thing a mother can give her child is the gift of life. This is the greatest gift of all though. If you think about it, you cant do or have anything else if you dont have this one essential thing.

You say your kids are your responsibility, but you would give your own life to protect your born children. Your unborn child is just as important, even if it does not seem like that right now. There is no logic to say - well if I cant take care of my kid it is better to kill it before it is born.

You may have to admit that you need some help, that you are not superwoman, but that life is the most important gift you have, and that you can give.

Its hard, I know, and easy for me to sit here and say it. You will have to be really strong, and even though you are struggleing now, things will get even harder financially and physically. But keeping this baby will mean that you will be better in your head, have no guilt or shame and know that you did the right thing.

Being a mom means sacrifice, but you know this already.
I guess we are not living in an ideal world.

hugs
Siobhan

Your right having a child is the greatest gift of life-infact i fought soo hard against the odds to keep my first child, that her middle name has a special meaning-'given life'....so i totally hear what your saying.I know my unborn child is still just as important, infact the loving, protecting starts the moment you know, it just gets stronger the more you get to know your child, and once you have met them...i know this, i am a mum.
I am not superwoman unfortunately, luckily for the past 10yrs i have had my mums support/help, this is all about to change, as shes moving countries.I have no other family or support, and already i feel lonely knowing that for the first time ever the responsibilty of the children i have is now totally mine.We choose our own lives, advice is good, help is appreciated, but at the end of the day others can walk away, and leave us in the lives 'we have chosen'.
Im not looking for reasons not to have this baby, my emotional side and gut feeling says there is no doubt, i want this, my practical side however is saying its not that simple.

Hi hun

It sounds like you are having a very tough time with this. Please take some time to think about your decision.

Have you been to your GP as yet or know how far gone you are?

Dealing with a termination is always very difficult and I think the extremeity of the emotions is always don to the individual and the circumstances at the time. If your circumstances are different you may also react differently.

Only you can make the final decision. Take some time to think about both routes and be honest to yourself about ho it may affect you.

I wish you all the best xx

Thanks, yes i suppose i am still earlish on, but this is the thing...the thing that really tormented me last time was i was 12wks, i was then pretty attached, had gone thru all the early hard parts.This time, i know the only way i could cope mentally would be to do it early on.I have been to the clinic, and was faced with everything again it felt like i was returning to my nightmare...i was overcome with emotion and i rushed out of that building.I did feel then that the decision was made for me, yet i keep telling myself, the long hard road ahead is so much harder, single parenting again scares me more, it was my worst fear, so much so that i havent been in any relationship for the past 3.5yrs, thats how put off i was by my experiences...and just as i was learning to trust again, wham!