Deep breath, this is a long one....

14 years ago, when I was 17 I had surgical abortion at 12 weeks. I was very confused at the time, pressured into it really by parents (they even went to see my doc who then refused to sign consent cos he thought I was being pressured) I was scared at being on my own with nowhere to live so went through with it. It messed me up physcologically for a lot of years.

This wasnt help when at 21 I was diagnosed with PCOS and told I would find it hard having children. Well, I was convinced this was my punishment and it messed me up even more.

8 years ago, I met my husband. We did try to conceive for over 4 years, having very invasive tests, treatments, drugs, and after having private IVF treatment I now have a beautiful 2 year old daughter.

So I know the heartache of wanting a child and all the pain that goes with not being able to fall pregnant. I also know the damage the abortion caused me, but I know I did the right thing, otherwise I would never have met my husband (on a holiday I would never have gone on if I had a child)

My husband and I sadly seperated in Aug last year, mainly due to the pressure the IVF treatement put on our relationship - sex for babymaking sake, no passion blah blah.

I am currenlty in a new relationship - nothing too serious, just having some fun. Or so I thought. Turns out, I have fallen pregnant after only a few weeks.

I know the pro-lifers on here will say this is a sign. Im not pro-life, Im pro-choice. I have to think of the effect this will have on my living child. Just getting used to living away from her dad - she hasn't met the new man - I thought it was too soon. But hell! My head is pretty F**d up at the mo. Am only about 6 weeks and going to docs today. Really dont know what to do. I can hardly manage financially as it is, the new man has 2 grown up kids and considerably older than me. If anyone has any advice they can offer me please do.

Please dont lecture me pro-lifers. I am fully aware of a featus' develeopment - I have read books constantly when pregnant with my daughter. I realise this is a decision that ultimately I have to make but if anyone has any words of wisdom please share them.

thanks ladies
xxxx

Hi,

What does the dad say? Does he know yet?

Try not to panic anyhow. You sound really stressed. Is there any way you could find a quiet space in your head and imagine life with another small child?. I am pro life, but not as big into 'signs' as you might imagine, excpet to say that the fact that you are pregnant now is a good sign to say that in about 8 months from now if you let nature take its course you will have a lovely little baby!!

Your little daughter might be jealous, that is definately possible, but even if she is a little in the beginning she will end up being such a proud big sister! It will be good for her not to have your 100% focus all the time. I sometimes think it must be a lot of pressure for these single IVF children to cope with being so wanted, and so protected and so anxiously loved, and for their parents to have such high expectations of them. A sibling will cut all that in half, and might be good for everybody.

Maybe your PCOS is gone, maybe lightning struck, who knows. But are you willing to take that gamble not to conceive another child again?

Hope that was not too preachy, I really did my best! Chin up anyway girl, say your picture on the profile and just wanted to add that you might have to hang up those stilletoes for a while!!.


Hugs
Siobhan
XXX

Hi ladies

Thanks for your replies! I saw the doc yesterday and he basically said what I've been thinking and what you have all said - what if this is my only chance for another baby? How would I feel if I terminated this pregnancy and to have all the heartache of not being able to conceive again when Im ready? This thought is just ringing round my head constantly. He has asked me to go back in a week or so to let him know what i've decided. Think I might need some counselling though, my head is really messed up.

The father does know. Hes not thrilled but not totally gutted. But think he is just as shook up as I am - he said that its not the end of the world and there are thousands of people who would love to be in our position - I know, I was one of them. Then he says that the easiest decisions aren't necessarily the best. Then later he says that he cant look after himself let alone a baby. On the plus side, his daughter (who is 22 and who I work with, just to complicate matters!) is quite excited and said she would support us as best she can. On the other hand, she has her own life to lead and would the novelty of a baby sibling soon wear off???

I realise that compared to others situations I am lucky in the sense that the dad has a concience and wouldn't abandon us as such but I couldn't guarantee that he'll stick around - how would I explain that when the kids are older? My daughters dad adores her and I know the joy he brings into her life so it would be heartbreaking not to have that for any future children..........

And that my daughter would adapt Im sure. I just really want to make the right decision and am really scared that I won't. Maybe I should speak to my mum but I know she'll be really dissapointed. I also know that I have to block out what everyone else will think and do whats right for me, but I don't know what that is!!!

I know I would cope and it would be a struggle but do I really want to spend my life just coping, struggling through every day?

My parents were very supportive during my split but I moved away when I got married and now live 300 miles from them. Maybe it would be an option for me to move back... (sorry, thinking out loud!)

And know what you mean about the stillettos!! I wore a size 7 before I had my daughter, now I wear an 8! If the same were to happen again I'd have to wear mens shoes!!!

...that your feet wont get any bigger. Like with the boobs, the first child is the one who takes its toll, every other child after that has no major effect, so you wont have to go to transvestites online for your clogs, dont worry!

Having an extra child will not ruin your life as you imagine. Sure the first 4 or 5 months will be tough till he or she sleeps through the night, but a second baby is miles easier to care for than the first, you will just take it in your stride. Another child does not doom you to a life of misery, come on!

I know that every case is different, but I have been looking on this forum since September 2007 and I really feel that you are in a relatively good position to keep your baby, and that aborting your child would be a horrible mistake.

Thats my twopence worth anyway. Feel free to write or PM any time.

Take care

Siobhan

This pregnancy will be a breeze. Once you are over the sea sickness you will hardly notice you are pregnant except that your tum will get in the way when you reach for things. Compared to all the worry over the first, you could really enjoy this one.

that relly is a long one, for us to read, so I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have lived through all that.
I think that regardless of what you believe (pro-choice or pro-life) it is you who ultimately has to live with the decisions that you make. You say that you don't want a lecture, just words of advice or wisdom, so I will try my best to give you some.
I was diagnosed with PSOD when I was 19, my body was in quite a mess. along with the cysts on my ovaries, the linings on my ovaries were too thick, so all the amounts of hormones in me were completely out of whack, this gave me serious side effects. also because of the irregularity of the eggs that were being released and other problems that I had, my tubes were blocked. plus I had an inverted uterus. The cards were really stacked against me big time. This had a really bad effect on me as since I could first remember, I have always wanted kids.
I had just started dating a really amazing guy and told him everything when I first found out. he just accepted it and we carried on. however through a really amazing miracle I ws completely healed and the first night we tried for a baby I fell pregnant!
I now am mom to a gorgeous 9 month old baby boy who is the apple of my eye (and the zapper of my money and energy
now you probably wonder why I am babbling along, what I really want to try say is this. I can relate (a very tiny amount) to some of the difficulties you had to deal with and I really take my hat off to you, because I don't know if I could have gone through all you had to deal with wrt treatment, IVF etc, Im sure it must have taken a huge toll on you, but it must also have shown you how increadibly strong you are, because in spite of the road you had to walk,you have come out on the other side, with a beautiful little girl.
speak to the father of this little angel, at leaset give him a chance...he might surprise you...and if he doesn't want to be involved, then you havn't really lost out on much there, as you yourself said-just having fun!
YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE AND YOU WILL SURPRISE YOURSELF WITH WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE!!
I live in a country where there are no benefits or financial help for women with children-but is there not something available to you? could you not get a social grant? alter your lifestyle? ask friends or family for any second hand items that you could have or borrow for your baby? my family doesn't have much, we really couldn't afford to have our child but we were helped out and given all that we needed for our little boy.(I am sure you must have seen with your daughter how supportive people become when they find out you are pregnant)
that new little angel in you doesn't need the best or most expensive, just loads of hugs and cuddles from his/her mommy.
You said you need to think of your daughter, she must be struggling with you and your husband seperating, and all the adjustments that come with it, especially for a small child, wouldn't this be a wonderful time for her to become a big sister. children often thrive on responsibility. her being given the opportunity to love this new little baby, to help you with small tasks that come along, it could be the best possible thing for both your little angels

mabye you don't feel like this right now but this angel growing in you is a beautiful gift just waiting for the opportunity to bring loads of joy and smiles and "I love you mommy's" into your lift.
I hope something I have said will be of some help to you,
thinking of you,
Kerry

Hi there ..

I am pro choice too but think in your situation .. I would keep the baby.

I am also not religious .. at all! But really do feel that this baby was meant for you.

Your Daughter is 2 years and although she is noticing everything she will not have a clue about how that baby got to be in your belly and providing you love and treat them equally then she will love the baby regardless.

I have 2 Sisters and we are all from differnt Dads.. it was our Mum that bought us up and we are no worse off for it.

I don't want to badger you but if it were me .. and I had gone through all that hard ship with trying to concieve then .. I definatley would have the baby. I am not saying this without thought and consideration for your financial situation as I know that we (as women)can cope. You have had one and now know how to save money and probably have stuff left over from your first that can help you.

The question is .. Do you want another baby? If this is your last chance .. is that ok with you? If this chap ends up staying with you will he say in 2 years time "hey, why don't we have a baby?"

I look forward to reading your reply. I am very interested to know how you feel about this.

Kelli