hi,

i had an abortion back in november. i'm pro-choice but i always said i'd never have an abortion myself and i wasn't at all happy about doing it. i didn't have many options, though - the father was my flatmate who was a truly horrible man and wouldn't even consider the possibility that i'd keep it, i'm a student and my mum made it clear that if i'd kept the baby i'd have to quit uni and come home, she wouldn't help me out so i could finish my degree. there's no way i could afford it without her, and without a degree i have no real job prospects. (just for the record i made the guy use a condom and when it broke i took the morning after pill but still got pregnant, i wasn't irresponsible, though none of my doctors seemed to believe that)

the day of the abortion i asked my flatmate to drive me to the hospital 2 hours before my appointment because i was in so much pain and i didn't know if that was normal or not - he shouted and swore at me for waking him up and only agreed to do it after i attempted to walk the 2 miles to the hospital, in my pyjamas at 6.30am in the freezing cold. he dumped me there and went back off to bed. i know i sound really self-pitying here, but it was the worst day of my life and i really resented the fact that the other girls there had friends or boyfriends with them while i was all on my own. i'm also doing an erasmus exchange at the moment, and being in a foreign country made it all a bit worse.

anyway, in the weeks afterwards i felt really ... i was crying a lot and for a long time i felt desperate to get pregnant again. over christmas i felt a lot better and though i still feel guilty about it, on the whole i don't regret my decision - i really don't have the means to bring up a kid on my own just now, and though it's selfish i'm happy i don't have to give up uni or the travelling i want to do afterwards.

what worries me is that my mental health seems to be going a bit wonky. i had an eating disorder when i was 15/16 (i'm 20 now) but for the past few years i've been totally fine about my weight - i'm not eating much, what i do eat i force myself to throw up, and i've been exercising obsessively. i've also started self-harming now and again, which i've never done before, in order to take my mind off things - not necessarily the abortion itself, but all the anger i feel towards my flatmate (who i no longer live with, i moved out after christmas) and other things. when i'm making myself sick or whatever it i don't think about the connection the abortion but i feel like there must be one, i can't imagine what else could have triggered all of this.

anyway, this has been a really long story but if you've read it i'd really appreciate some advice. is it normal to feel like this, or for an abortion to trigger off other feelings etc? has anyone else gone through anything similar? is it likely to get better with a bit more time? my mother would tell me to get a grip and stop being stupid and my friends get awkward when i talk about it so i don't know what else to do

thanks

sophia

thank you all so much for your replies, i really appreciate it. i hadn't really thought about the control aspect of it but i that's a good point. so many things in my life have been really out of control recently - just moving to a foreign country can be quite stressful and obviously all this has made it harder - which i suppose is why it's started up again. i have a real problem with seeing councellors etc but i think i will see a doctor when i'm back home and try to get some help and advice. my aunt is doing a councelling course at the moment actually so i might talk to her about it, she'd probably help me understand it a bit better. anyway thanks again, when i wrote that i felt totally helpless but i feel much more positive about things now...i'll keep you posted sophia x

ah hun,
that is so much to have to go through without proper true support, I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this all without someone who could just be there for you.
I have also struggled with an eating disorder and whether you have fully admitted this to yourself or not, it is about trying to control something in your life when you feel that you are unable to control everything alse around you. this situation has obviously hit you hard, as is expected, but trying to control your weight/eating is not going to help you deal with the pain/isolation/hurt/ guilt/ fill in the blank that you are currently feeling. It will only cause a greater spiral for you.
I totally agree with what has been said here-that it is time for you to get some serious help...not because there is something wrong with you but because if you don't get someone who really cares and knows what they are doing who will help you deal with this,then you could be waving goodbye to all that lies ahead because this will engulf you.
It's time to put your hand out and ask someone for help. Acknowledge that you need help!!
This is serious and you owe it to yourself to deal with things that are current (the abortion, your ex flatmate, your mom etc ) as well as things that are hidden...mabye so deep that you haven't acknowledged them...(what triggered the start of your eating disorder in your teens??, why did you decide to sleep with your flatmate when you have said yourself that he is a "truly horrible man").
I suggest that you see what type of help is available from someone who is trained in this field so you can get the best, and find someone you feel that you can trust and feel comfortable with talking to openly and honestly.
we are all here for you anytime you need and we are eagerly awaiting positive news. just remember that healing takes time...
love kerry

hi ya, firstly am sorry to hear what you have been through,no one can tell you how to feel, we all deal and cope with things differently. i think its not so much a case of getting over it but living with it, i had my termination almost 2 weeks ago. Some days i feel down but i just remind myself i done the right thing. Have you tried keeping a diary and just writing down your thoughts and feelings, this really helped me when i was self harming. if you dont want to keep it just throw it away. Or maybe you could try a hobby to take your mind off of it.It sounds really stupid but i find cross stitching very relaxing. in fact thats what i done after i had my abortion, really hope everything works out for you, am online almost allday and night if you fancy a chat sometime. am thinking of you x x x x Ami

poor you hun your really going thru it i dont really have much advise just wanted say please go see a doctor or transfere to a uni closer to home you need some support and help getting over this it was a massive thing to go thru on your own.
i dont know much about disorders but it may be worth going see your doctor or a counsellor it work wonders for my sis

It may well be that the trauma you endured has triggered a spiral of depression. I am no expert when it comes to these matters however, I absolutely agree that you need to see a professional and get the support of your family.

My Mum is also the type of person to say "Get over it" or just ignore it, kind of like how you treat a child bad behaviour. However after my boyfriend died a few years ago I spiralled in to a depression and she helped out by just being there for me and not passing judgement. Thinking back on it I was just glad to be somewhere that people loved and cared for me, made me feel safe.

Personally I never self harmed or had an eating disorder but I did take substances and it my habbit (not quite classed as addiction) would have got a lot worse if I had not have taken steps to change my life. I am presuming that the control aspect is the same as your problems.

After you have "Got yourself together" You will be able to carry on living your life to the max .. it sounds as though you have many plans to look forward to.

Stop this now before it affects the rest of your life.

I wish you all the best look forward to hearing from you.