It's now 5/6 wks since I had my medical abortion and things aren't getting any better. One minute I'm fine, and the next I'm overwhelmed by feelings of grief/guilt and feel unable to cope. I know everybody reacts differently, but can anybody tell me how long these intense feelings last. I recognise that I should have never had it done... if only I could turn back the clock ....!!!

Hi there Mandy,

Well where do I start. I was raised in a really healthy family by loving parents and had a great up bringing, the baby of three, probably spoilt. I was wild from the age of 14 due to change of location and niave parents, got mixed up with the wrong crowd and the rest was history. I became pregnant at 19 with my daughter who is now 18. Totally irresponsible and all my fault. My parents were truly amazing and accepted the situation with love and concern. When my daughter was 2 I went out got drunk ended up with a guy who I saw for a really small time and only had sex with once and became pregnant (again totally irresponsible). I knew I was pregnant around 1 month as I was so totally sick as I was with my daughter. Everyday, I cried for my baby, because I was to totally scared to tell my parents that I had been stupid enough to get myself pregnant again. In fact I didnt want to ruin there reputations and embarrass them. TO this day that was my main reason for my abortion. I borrowed money off a friend (by this stage, I was a great mum and worked fulltime and supported us very well but to come up with 350.00 as a single mum at that time was near impossible. (I made one silly mistake). I waited until I was 10 weeks to see the doctor who referred me to the (abortionist). By the time I got in I was 11 or 12 weeks. This is where it gets really sad. I vividly remember sitting with the physcologist bawling my eyes out uncontrolably as I did not want to have the abortion but I felt there was no other way out. I really felt gutted and lost. I remember hearing the physcologist tell the doctor that she didnt think I was mentally stable enough to have the abortion but the doctor insisted that If I knew what I was doing that it was OK. I had the abortion under twilight anesethic and vaguely remember the procedure. I remember crying in a bed for what seemed like hours after the procedure. Mandy to this day. My son or daughter would be sixteen this July/August, I have not regretted my decision. NO I lie, what haunts me is the feeling of freedom and releif I had for the first day or two after it, that haunts me. But from then on in, my life never was the same. I was a fairly nice looking girl with a lot going for me back then, but over the years, although I have a successful life and I have two wonderful wonderful kids and a foster child also, I never allowed myself to really be happy or to look great. I have a weight issue now, I wont go to doctors unless really necessary and I always put everyone else before myself. I know now after many years, that this is a direct result of what happened 16 years ago. I wonder daily, sometimes if I am lucky, maybe weekly, what my child would look like, I think the baby was a girl because it was exactly the same pregnancy as my other daughter and when I was pregnant with my son it was totally different. I wonder what he/she would look like. Would she be as beautiful and successful as my daughter or funny and wild as my boy. This I deal with everyday. I dont think it will go away and I dont want to forgive myself for MY choice even though society played a part in my decision because of the stigma it would have brought my family and myself, selfish reasons really. Beleive me I live with that decision everyday. If you were looking for a "dont beat yourself up " attitude, well I am sorry I dont have that for you, but I will say, please try to live with your decision and move forward with life. I have become the most hands on, dedicated mother of some wonderful children and I beleive because I my decision that day, this has helped me become a better mother. Sad really. Anyway Mandy, best of luck. I wish you the best I really do. But I just wanted to be honest.

This is the first ever time i have wrote about this but finally found the courage to do it. I had an abortion in 2006 and it was one of the most horrific things that i have ever went through. No-one prepares you for what will happen at all an there was no advise or counselling before hand. At the time I was earning barely anything, had debt letters flying through my door and no family to speak of. I had only been with my boyfriend for a short while and i knew he wasn't ready. Ultimately a switch went off in my head the moment I found out that told me i just couldnt do it and so i had a termination. I always thought I was a maternal person and this just shattered evrything that I thought I was as a person. Its coming up to 2 years now and in some ways it does get easier. I have sought counselling but ulitmately didnt find it very useful but i think that was the person who was helping me so would still recommend it to anyone. I have had the ''throwing myself in front of a bus'' fantasy so many times i can barely count. I think the hardest thing is that I now think I could have done it and was weak to back out which is maybe why so many women hate themselves for what they have done as it easy to look back and think it wouldn't have been so hard. The intensity of the feelings I have still come to me now only they last a little less each time. Sometimes I go for weeks without feeling that utter desperation and loss and i just try and look at the other amazing things that i have around me to help me get through it. You seem to be in the same place I am and blame yourself for what happened. My friend once told me that I need to turn around and look at what I did in the face, shake its hand and accept it otherwise it would tear me up forever. That may sound stupid and i hope it doesn't but it did help me in a way. I think it is the brutality of the medical abortion that is also devastating. I can promise you honey that it wont always feel as raw as it does now and would honestly recommend seeking some advise or counselling. I thought i didnt deserve to seek help as it was my fault but when you go there they are so understanding. I am still plucking up the courage again to seek help but I would avoid any Religious ones as it can feel unsettling. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are amazing and did the only thing at the time that you could. I wish you luck and happiness honey and hope that you find a place that can help you through this and hopefully lead to acceptance of it. xx

Iana512
You're right, I do blame myself. As soon as I thought I was pregnant, all the terrible feelings around my previous pregnancy came flooding back and I just flipped and booked myself in for the termination. I suppose I thought that as I was only 3 wks pregnant (5 wks from my last period) it was the 'best' thing to do. Since then I've met so many people who have just 'made the best of it' and gone ahead with their pregnancies. What's worse is there's now someone at work who will be due at around the same time I would have been. She fell pregnant by accident and just got on with it. My life certainly wasn't perfect before, but it feels like it was compared to this. I've had a really bad weekend, but just hope that the intensity of the feelings at this stage will mean that I 'get over it' better in the long term. One side of me would still love to have a baby, but I'm now scared of doing right for doing wrong.

Honey you can never compare yourself to another person, you ultimately dont know the circumstances that she is surrounded with. Is her lfe perfect now with a child she didnt prepare for?.. i doubt it. You are your own person and can only make decisions for youself. Making the 'best of it' is not a good outlook for having a child in my opinion, you need to be ready to offer everything that you can which im sure you will one day. It is not fair to ask you to have something that you did not ask for and were not ready for and then feel ashamed and weak because you didnt go through with it. It takes strength to do what you did.

You seem to want a child for the right reasons and not because you are forced or have no other choice. You did what you could at that point in time and dont judge yourself for it.

I would still love a baby and i want one now to repair the damage that i have caused myself but i know that is not the way it should be. I will wait until the day i can do it, until the day i choose to do it.

Take care sweetie, seek help if you need to and never compare yourself to others. We are all our own people and should be judged as such

Suzanne xx

it doesnt; well i suppose it stops being in your mind, but youll never forget, and if you felt forced or forgive you wont ever not 100%, im pregnant again; so atm i dont feel empty, but i did before i was pregnant, my baby fills the void now, but i know its there.

i read your other post too.
You obviously had your reasons for having a termination.
I had a termination due to mental health issues as i sufferd from sever depression and anxity and probly would have harmed myself if the pregnancy continued as at the time i wouldnt of been able to cope, trust me sweetheart its totaly natural to feel up and down during the first weeks after a termination but please do not feel guilty or regret what has happend, sometimes i only think we feel guilty because people expect us to,also try not to listen to pro lifers they realy messed me up after my termination. .
i had my termination 8 months ago and today i can sit here and write i honesly do not regret what i did i had my reasons.
i admit i was up and down for the first few months but it does get easyer and the intence feelings will go.
If it helps what i did after my termination was have a big cry, a hug and got a little keepsake box, i put a little teddy in it and a baby ropmer, that helped me alot.
if u want to pm me feel free, hang in there poppet it will get better *hugs* X debs

Thank you so much for your responses. I've found a centre which does post-abortion counselling who have been great but my appts are only once a fortnight so the bit in between is a nightmare. I seem to go from one extreme to the other - one minute I convince myself I'm OK (even though I know I'm not), then yesterday I went for dinner in a pub and someone sat next to me with a 5 week old baby for the whole time. I just wished it was mine and ended up leaving and crying my eyes out. I can't believe there wasn't better counselling available before I went ahead with the termination. I was only 3 wks pregnant (5 wks from the date of my last period) and have now been told that's probably why I'm reacting in the way I am now - because I didn't deal with any of my feelings before I had it done. I'm also annoyed because I actually booked myself in for the termination at a point where I could still have had the coil fitted as an 'emergency form of contraception', but the clinic didn't tell me. I've been told that would have been better because at that point I wouldn't have actually had a 'positive' test result. For someone who is usually Mrs Sensible, I feel that I've really messed up big time on this one.

I know exactly how you feel.. am also miss sensible so never expected this to happen to me and am finding it so hard to deal with. So wish i hadn't had it done. I am going to see my doc on Thursday to find out about counselling.
My bf wanted me to have it done and promised me the world and said would have one when time was right not due to accidents etc - but now says not sure he does want one etc as already has child with ex. It's all so hard. I am ok when with him as we chat bout it and other stuff and i can get on with it - but everyone says i should finish it and move on but it's so hard. i love him.
i wish i'd had more time to think- i was only 6 weeks. 4 weeks when found out and had 10 days of arguing before finally going. the night before i cancelled the appt but my dad and bf said i'd made huge mistake and should do it or it would ruin my life -so i went and now regret it more than anything.
will we ever get over it?!

I look back and can't take in what's happened over the last few weeks.I knew I was pregnant immediately and knew I couldn't go through with it. I thought having the termination at 3 wks (5 wks officially) would make it easier to deal with but have since been told this will have made it more difficult - the feelings people usually deal with beforehand have now all hit me afterwards. I too wish I'd taken more time to think about it. And I can't believe there wasn't any counselling at the clinic beforehand. When I went back a week later in an absolute mess the "counsellor" told me "once you've had a positive test, its a baby and you have to grieve". I could have hit her - it was her who booked me in the week before and never said a thing. If she had, I'd never have gone through with it. I too wonder if I'll ever get over it. I've found a centre who does counselling - they tell me one of the main things is that you have to forgive yourself. At the minute this is much easier said than done!

I know exactly how you're feeling - i think. I have also been told i have to grieve - if i'd been told all of this before i'd have never gone through with it with so little thinking time.
i'm 34 and worry i'll never have the chance again. also my bf has a child already with an ex and so i just dont' think he has the same feelings of loss as i do - as he has his child to distract him at weekends - i have nothing. I slightly resent that i went through with it to make his life easier - but it's made mine so much harder.. i should have thougth of me rather than him and his child..
I just can't believe i've done it..
how you doing now? I must say i'm feeling much better today - actually walked past mothers and babies today and didn't feel the utter upset I did last week..x

I'm still very up and down. During a conversation this morning I managed to convince myself that I'd done the right thing because I wouldn't have coped with another pregnancy, but then by the afternoon when I was with someone who is pregnant, I just went to the toilet and burst into tears, thinking of what might have been. My friend (who is in her 50s) said she can't understand how I can miss what I've never had - which is exactly what I thought beforehand. I only offically knew I was pregnant for 1 wk, and so thought that having the termination so quickly would mean that there'd be less attachment/fewer feelings of loss afterwards. I can't believe I was so naive and wish I'd seen this website before and read everybody else's comments. The only thing on the plus-side is that my "episodes" are happening less now, so hopefully I am moving forward - even if it doesn't always feel like it. x