Hi Candy

I haven't checked this forum for a while. Your situation may be different now.

Only you know whether you can go through this or not. If in your heart of hearts you know the time is not right for you then let this little one go. Learn by this and as you rightly pointed out, sort out your contraception.

I have supported many women through abortions in my work as an outreach worker. An abortion is an act of courage, not cowardice. I have never met anyone who took the decision lightly and everyone suffers emotionally one way or the other. I also run a babyloss group, I have sufferred a miscarriage and buried a child. I know what it is like to have children and to lose a child but I have come to the conclusion it is not my decision or right to offer advice that will make you feel any worse about the decision you have to make. You will make the decision darling, and you will live with whatever you decide. You will own that decision as when it is made, it will be the right decision for you because you won't be able to change it. It will be part of your history, part of who you are.

I have been a single parent of five children - its not an easy option. I once had to make the decision whether to have an abortion or not and for me it was the right choice not to have the abortion. Said child is at College now and when she is not mugging me financially she is quite a nice human being!!

If you are still pregnant then your option will now be to deliver said baby as you will be over twelve weeks. There is support out there and you will go through counselling before making such a traumatic decision.

You do have the option to keep the baby, yes it will be tough but you will have the right to be housed, the right to benefits and midwives and health visitors are geared up to make sure young single mums get support. You also have an option to have the baby and give the baby up for adoption. A heroic choice. I know a number of families who have adopted recently and what they have to go through to be considered for a child, any child adopted now would have a gem of a life - its not like the bad old days at all.

The decision unfortunately is all yours, however, I know you will make the right one for you. Good luck.

I recently found out I am pregnant. I came back from a holiday with the girls and starting feeling really sick. I couldn't eat and went to the doctors. I took two tests and found out I was pregnant. I went to the doctors and she told me she thought I was about 8 weeks and she gave me time to decide what to do.
I split up with my ex in the middle of July and we wasn't exactly careful. I was very naive and always felt I couldn't have children. Stupid I no. As I felt so low from the break up as I really fell for him I met up with an ex of two years. Im not making any excuses but I guess I wanted some attention. We both got drunk and one thing led to another. Bascially with me being 8 weeks pregnant it seems definate that it would be my ex's in July but I can't be 100% sure how far gone I am as I haven't yet had a scan. Aswell as having the worry about being 100% who the dad is I always have the decision whether to keep the baby or not regardless of the situation. Ive always wanted a stable home/financial independance and a good dad if I was to ever concieve a baby. Unfortunately I recently found out the person who I think is the dad is in prison and is looking at being in there for a year or more depending on his sentence. And my ex of two years couldn't afford another one as he already as one on the way. So that leaves me on my own. No-one can make me feel as ashamed as I already do about the way I have done things and I feel so guilty as the baby I am carrying is innocent in all this. I have gone over and over it in my mind and as much as I would love to be a mum. I see abortion as the best option for me and my unborn child. I know people have said it's murder and I can understand why they say that. But abortion can sometimes be the right thing too do. Imagine having a baby in a difficult circumstance and you resented the baby, couldn't cope and the baby ended up in care. I know a few people who have had bad experiences in care. Is that not worse with them growing up like that than where they will never know. I feel so sad inside that im not in a good position to keep this baby. But im not settled or prepared for a baby on my own. I just hope I make the right decision as once its happened, I can't go back. I have learnt my lesson to not be so stupid when it comes to birth control. I will make sure this never happens again. I couldn't put me and another baby through all this pain but I feel in my heart that I can't give my baby the best at this time

Sorry about it being so long

Hi Candy

I haven't checked this forum for a while. Your situation may be different now.

Only you know whether you can go through this or not. If in your heart of hearts you know the time is not right for you then let this little one go. Learn by this and as you rightly pointed out, sort out your contraception.

I have supported many women through abortions in my work as an outreach worker. An abortion is an act of courage, not cowardice. I have never met anyone who took the decision lightly and everyone suffers emotionally one way or the other. I also run a babyloss group, I have sufferred a miscarriage and buried a child. I know what it is like to have children and to lose a child but I have come to the conclusion it is not my decision or right to offer advice that will make you feel any worse about the decision you have to make. You will make the decision darling, and you will live with whatever you decide. You will own that decision as when it is made, it will be the right decision for you because you won't be able to change it. It will be part of your history, part of who you are.

I have been a single parent of five children - its not an easy option. I once had to make the decision whether to have an abortion or not and for me it was the right choice not to have the abortion. Said child is at College now and when she is not mugging me financially she is quite a nice human being!!

If you are still pregnant then your option will now be to deliver said baby as you will be over twelve weeks. There is support out there and you will go through counselling before making such a traumatic decision.

You do have the option to keep the baby, yes it will be tough but you will have the right to be housed, the right to benefits and midwives and health visitors are geared up to make sure young single mums get support. You also have an option to have the baby and give the baby up for adoption. A heroic choice. I know a number of families who have adopted recently and what they have to go through to be considered for a child, any child adopted now would have a gem of a life - its not like the bad old days at all.

The decision unfortunately is all yours, however, I know you will make the right one for you. Good luck.

Hi candy,

I came on here as I am in a similar situation and wanted to find people to talk to. I read your post and it sounds so similar to how I am thinking and feeling at the moment, so I wanted you to know you're not alone.

I just found out I'm 11 weeks 4 days, which is I guess slightly better than the 13 weeks that the doctor initially thought. I understand the way you are feeling about not wanting to bring a child into an environment that isn't as stable etc as you would like it to be. I feel the same way. So much of me wants to have this baby, I felt like I have bonded with it already, I instantly became protective and wouldn't even let my partner rest his arm over my stomach when he hugged me. But when thinking about our financial situation, my emotional and mental state etc I realised it would just be too selfish and hard to do. I am in no way fit to be a parent, not yet. I can barely look after myself at the moment let alone bring up and guide a child through life. People keep saying 'it's a huge thing, it's 18 years' but I disagree - it's not 18 years it is a permanent, 'forever' thing and I'm just not ready for that.

I thought I could put all my own wants aside and just throw my life into having a child but I realised that's just not realistic. There would still be regret and possibly resentment later on that I couldn't do the things I wanted. I am turning 21 in a few days and haven't lived, have no proper direction yet, haven't done any of the things I want. I thought I could put that aside but I think it'd be unfair to later on feel regret and resentment towards a child who didn't have a say in it. And all that aside, I am just not capable of raising someone right now. Not in any way. Financially, emotionally, mentally. None of it. It would be so unfair, I would not be able to give the child the life it deserves. My partner feels the same - a huge part of him wants it and he is probably more ready than I am but he also knows that neither of us are in a situation where it would be possible to provide a good quality life for a child. I've gone over and over it in my head as well, trying to find any way that could make it possible for us to keep this baby....we've talked it out, gone over everything....but we just don't think it's possible right now.

I considered adoption as well, thinking it's the least selfish choice to make, surely....but I think I am too selfish to make that choice. I would change my mind at the last minute and that would mess up a lot of people. Then I would also be in the situation I have described, with a child I can't support or raise in an adequate manner. I talked to my psychologist who has dealt with people who, once they have turned 18, are required to undergo counselling if they wish to find their birth parents etc and she explained how hard it is on people and how it affects so many lives. The mother, the child, the adopting family. They all go through a lot of pain throughout their lives for various reasons. It's not always the best solution and it's not always a guaranteed solution either. The screening ensures that the adoptive parents are likely to be in a stable relationship and with a good income but that's about as far as it can go really. You can't guarantee what kind of parents they will be or how the child's life will be. It could end up worse than if I, who feels like I'd be an unfit parent, tried to raise the child. And again, I just don't think I could go through with carrying a baby for that long, bonding and connecting with it, and then giving it up.

I absolutely hate the idea of termination, I never thought I would find it so hard but this far along and knowing how far it is developed etc is killing me and making it so hard to do. I know it is the right thing to do, but logical thought just doesn't work at this point, the emotions over ride it. I thought it'd be an easy choice to make, that if I wasn't ready, I'd end it and it'd be easy. But it's really not. I didn't expect to feel this way at all and it's so hard to deal with. A good friend of mine who is married and has planned pregnancy for a long time is at 13 weeks so I have seen all the photos and hear all about how the baby is developing. I'm so happy for her but it's making it incredibly hard, I wish I didn't know all those details, I wish I hadn't seen the ultra sound photos. I had to have my own ultra sound yesterday to determine the age and I made the lady turn the overhead screen off because it would just break my heart to see. Today I arranged the termination, it is tomorrow at 8:15am. I'm terrified, I'm mourning already and feel like screaming 'I'm so sorry' to my unborn child. But there just doesn't seem to be any other option. All options are filled with negatives but this seems to be the lesser evil.

Don't blame yourself over the issue of birth control. People make mistakes all the time and blaming yourself will only lead to more emotional hardship for you. You can only make a decision based on what you feel is the best thing, blaming yourself won't help. I was on the pill and always use condoms during sex and this still happened to me. Sometimes life just throws things at you for no reason and regrets and blame make things so much harder. Forgive yourself for making a mistake and recognise it as just a mistake, everyone makes them. I hope you will be OK. I think you are making the right decision, as long as it is YOUR decision and you feel like you've made the best judgment you are capable of.

I know that you're going through a really tough time at the moment, but if you abort, you stand a really good chance of making life tougher.
I tried to force my girlfriend into aborting, but thankfully at the very last minute, she decided to throw the tablet away.
I know that if she had taken that tablet, even though it seemed the only thing we could do at the time, I would have regretted it very seriously for the rest of my life. The guilt of ending a life would have been so much.
No matter how impossible it seems at the time, there is always a way to keep this baby.
What I lost sight of at the time, was that inside of you is a tiny life, that will grow up to be your own son or daughter with their own hopes and dreams and given the chance will share their life with you.
Having read your post, it looks like you're doing exactly what I did at the time, and talking yourself into abortion. I tried to make it sound like having a baby was impossible and said similar things to what you've said. But the problem with doing that, is that after the abortion, all these reasons not to have the baby disappear and all you want is your baby back, but by then it's too late and that's when all the guilt and depression kicks in.
Don't worry about what you can't give your child. Children only need one thing, and that's love. And when you give a child love, they give back the only thing they can - love. And that's when your relationship and bond grows and you couldn't imagine life without them
What i've learnt, is that the good things in life are never easy. If you want a good career for example, you need to work hard for it and the same goes for life in general. But by working hard at life and keeping this baby, no matter what life throws at you, you can hold your head up high knowing that you put your baby first and gave it the chance of life.
I hope this helps

All the best, Ben

Sorry gem, but I strongly disagree that it is kinder to kill your child than to bring it into this world. I understand that you are looking for justification to take the life of your child, and I read that you have had suicidal tendencies, but even on that front I am afraid that abortion would only worsen that problem. There are studies on this, and when I have more time I can dig them out for you if you want.

There is really no such thing as being cruel to be kind. You simply cannot protect your child from any future sadness he or she may experience by killing him or her off before the chance for sandess happens.

It is the right thing to let your child live, it is never right to kill your child.

It is the right thing to follow your heart and your emotions.

There is never a perfectly right time to have a baby.

I am making a wild guess, but I think you experienced a lot of hardship in your life, to be depressed so young. You have a choice now, to compound your mental and emotional problems or to deal with them. Of course I cannot say which is better - to keep your child or to give your child up for adoption. But I can say that it is so much worse for both of you to go through with your termination.

If you go through with this you will be justifying it for the rest of your life. There are ALWAYS other options dear Gem.

This baby was conceived inspite of your best efforts at contraception, so let fate happen, this child was meant to be, planned by his or her Creator from the beginning of time.

You can walk out of the abortion clinic at any stage, its been done before, it will be done again.

For the sake of your already broken heart, I urge you to keep your child.

Love
Siobhan XX

How can you say it is 'never' right when you don't know each individual circumstance of the people who have to face this?
I am not religious and am greatly offended by your pushing your beliefs in that way. This is a place for support not for people pointing the finger. It's a tough enough choice as it is without that sort of thing being said.

Everyone else in my life who knows my situation let me make my own decision but once I had made it they have all told me it is what they were hoping, that it is the right decision no matter how hard it has been. You can't tell anyone they are wrong when they are only making the decision they can best make at the time.

Following your heart and emotions constantly without listening to reason and logic is ridiculous. Where would the human race be if we all did that? I don't need to justify anything, I did what I thought was right. It would have been depressing and sad and regretful no matter what decision I made. I made the one I thought best and I won't apologise for that. Of course it makes me sad, I'm not inhuman. It concerns me that people are on here, scared and confused, seeking support and receiving incredibly biased advice which stems from religious beliefs.

Gem,
You have beliefs just as the poster above you does. You say 'it concerns me that people are on here, scared and confused, seeking support and receiving incredibly biased advice which stems from religious beliefs'. Can I ask - where do your beliefs stem from? Isn ... your head? Therefore each opinion has a starting place. Why is your head better than someone who has religious beliefs, in making the statement that others are biased, you are being biased yourself. If you are as liberal as you profess to be, then allow people to voice their opinion and do not try to silence those who obviously just offer an alternative opinion than that which you believe in. Otherwise pro-choice does not actually mena pro-choice.

I sent you a PM before reading all your posts, but I hold to what I wrote there nevertheless.

The only thing I can add is, have you thought about giving your child up for adoption - this baby would have everything a baby could want by two parents who would love your baby as their own. It would be harder physically, but easier emotionally in the long run.

Or else temporary foster care for your child when he or she is born so that you can get yourself back on your feet financially before taking over the full care of your child?

Yes there are some awful foster caregivers out there, and there are some really lovely ones. You would be able to visit and keep an eye on things yourself though. You have 7 months to get settled and get prepared.

Hey, dont beat yourself up over the whole contraception thing. We all make mistakes, and conceiving babies is one of the main things that sex was designed for...

Love
Siobhan

siobhan i need to ask...have you ever been in the situation yourself or are you just giving your opinion? if this is the case you have no right to preach beliefs that you have never had to seriously consider or apply to a real life situation! abortion is a personal decision for each individual to make! if u opted not to go down that road then good for you! however it is people like you who make situations like these a whole lot worse for people! and as for your comment on certain studies proving your point there quite clearly must be evidence supporting abortion or our country would have put a stop to it!

jen x