I've Just turned 21, and after having an abortion at the age of 18 it is still haunting me. I wish i hadn't had to go through with the abortion but there's a list of reasons that swayed me in doing so. I have been with my boyfriend (fiance now) since i was 17 and we both decided together it was the best choice. We were both not stable enough financialy, mentally and still concidered ourselves as kids so how could we bring up one of our own?
So we went through it on our own, not telling a soul, which probably has not helped in the long run, but we were ashamed and felt guilty. We are very much in love and have been for 4 years and he supported me at the time brilliantly. But now it's almost been 3 years since the abortion and I'm not doing too well. At first i was in denial and I blocked it out so It didn't hurt me, but now It's flooding back. I only bring the issue up with my partner when I'm drunk, as in a sober state I'm too scared to talk about it. I've noticed I'm relying on cannabis a hell of alot to get me through my every day to day emotions. I've always been cannabis dependant since I was diognosed with manic depression 6 years ago as it was the only thing that stopped me from self harming and the constant thoughts of self hatred. But now It's getting silly and I smoke to block out anything slighty painful.
I'm writing to see if anyone has any suggestions or coping techniques that they wouldn't mind sharing with me, as I'm at rock bottom and fear my depression is coming back. I'm not a strong person and I'm grieving for my baby I didn't have the guts to bring into this world,
If someone could back to me it would be much appreciated.

Depression could be feeding these feelings or those feelings could be feeding your depression. But guilt, fear, regret will serve nothing but self destruction. I recommend one or both of two things. 1. design a ceremony of some sort to morn the baby you aborted. 2. Make a new baby with you lover. He sounds like a good supportive man.

It is very normal to go through what you are experiencing after an abortion

Rachels Vineyard is an organisation which helps women like yourself who are suffering from post abortive stress. This is a wonderful organisation which will bring you through the grieving and healing steps for your lost child. Please contact them, they are the professionals in this field.


East Midland
Contact: Karen James 07792 187638
Next retreat: TBA

Essex
Contact: Clare McCullough 020 7723 1740
Next retreat: TBA

London
Contact: Susan Boyle 020 7723 1740
Location: Brentwood Essex
Next retreat: October 26-28, 2007
December 7-9, 2007

Best of Luck Katie, You are in my prayers. If you want to contact me please do so on gael.siobhan@iolfree.ie

Siobhan Engelmann