My girlfriend is 2 weeks pregnant. Her children from her previous relationship have entered school full time and she was JUST starting to seek her own career and life outside of caring for infants and young children. With both kids, she experienced intense postpartum depression. In addition to her emotional, mental and physical health and freedom, we are concerned that her kids will experience feelings of replacement or rejection if we decide to have this baby.

As for me, I dated her with the full understanding that she doesn't want another baby and I am sympathetic to that despite that I have no children of my own. Her reasons are more than fair to her. I too have reasons for not wanting a baby. I have just begun to chase a career/dream that will not lend itself to the amount of time and care that every baby deserves.

Needless to say, we were not prepared. We are indecisive because despite these reasons for not wanting a baby, we are very much in love with each other and are best friends through thick and thin. We both see the beauty of what might be. Sharing something so special and seeing her eyes looking at me through our child is a breathtaking thought. A new embodiment of our love and friendship.

Ultimately, I see it like this. My girlfriend's health and stability is priority #1. My goal is to grow closer together with her no matter what. Indeed, I am heartbroken by the idea of aborting this life. But it isn't fair to a child to grow up surrounded by what might be resentment for sacrifice or being improperly cared for because a mother is not healthy enough to ensure a loving and fully supported home and life.

I seek feedback from anyone who has experienced a similar decision. Wether you kept your child or not.

I have no personal experience of your situation but my oldest friend had to make a similar decision some years ago. The subject of how her decision has affected her long term came up in conversation recently and her thoughts may be of interest. Her kids were at full time school, her career just taking off and her husband (2nd marriage and with no kids of his own) had just been promoted to a demanding new job. Her concerns at the time mirrored your own, in particular the effect on her older kids and the impact on her own health. Their decision was an extremely difficult one and, in the end, it was her husband who had the courage to say what he really felt. My friend terminated her pregnancy and, 5 years later, does not regret her decision. Some people would say the cost of a new life is too high to weigh against practicalities but I'm not sure that's true in this case. Their lives have changed beyond all recognition as a result of the career paths my friend and her husband have been able to follow and the benefits to the kids have been massive. They have opportunities in life now which would never have been possible if my friend had kept the baby and I don't think she should or does feel guilty for putting her kids first. She is now free of the depression which has lingered since the birth of her first child and I've never seen her look happier. Our recent conversation revealed some understandable sadness that she and her husband missed out on their own embodiment of love but she still feels they did the right thing for their family. I've never spoken to her husband first hand about it so I can't comment on his feelings but he's devoted to my friend, fantastic with her kids and looks, by all appearances, like a man who's very happy with his lot. Everyone is different and I don't have to tell you that you and your girlfriend have to make your own decision but hearing other peoples experiences is often the best way to work out how you really feel. I wish you both well, whatever you decide.

All the best,

Clare

Hi Scared,

If you allow an abortion to take place then you are giving up your gift of fatherhood. There is a good chance that your girlfriend will not forgive you for not standing up for the life of your child, and this will jepordise your relationship. Basically she will blame you and hate you afterwards.

Abortion does not turn back the clock. This child is a reality, and killing it will not solve your problems, it will only create new ones, worse ones. If post partum depression was difficult for your girlfriend already think about what post abortion depression will be like for her.

Sorry for sounding like I am standing on a soap box, but please believe that I speak the truth in love.