Hello,

Good day

I am writing to seek for help on my decision in pursuing with pregnancy. I am actually the future father. We were out on vacation when it happened. When I learned that she was pregnant, she was already back from vacation (she arrived earlier than me), and I on my way back home (we were visiting my family outside the country; I ended up staying two weeks more and it was a good time to be away from her and reflect upon our relationship). I must say when I learned that, I was in shock. Even though the pregancy was planned with last minute decision but always having this desire, I was in shock. The reason I was in shock was that on my way back, I was determined to arrive and to break up with her. At that point I was not even thinking of the fact that she could be pregnant.

Our relationship has had a lot of ups and dows but for some reason we were never strong enough to let one go. Many times I tried to end the relationship, but there would be a lot of emotions and she would convince me to stay. There was also a time I changed her mind and convinced her to stay. There were times our fights got so ugly (for my standards as coming from a steady family) that I remember it would get physical but always this would come from her. One time she punched me and a couple others slapped on my face. She was the only girlfriend that drove me out of control in the sense that I would become so angry that I would loose my patient and yell at her and release with punches at the driving wheel. Of course, I never touched her. There was one time she stuck her nail into my skin.

These fights have always been for some stupid reason. For example, at one time I found a phone and wanted to return to the owner. It turned out that the owner was a jerk and instead of thinking I would help him, I put myself in trouble by trying to help the owner get his phone back. On top of that, when she learned what happened, she went crazy calling me stupid and would not stop talking. Of course I was already upset and became even more with her reaction. I yelled at her and she slapped me.

I must say that we had great moments as well specially in the beginning of our relationship, but I guess more bad than good throughout. Unfortunately, I kind of accomodated to the relationship and we kept on going. It is as if I kept trying harder, but deep down I no longer loved her, but again when it would become time to end, we could not.

Now, in the middle of this messy relationship, when it should be time for us to go on our separate ways, she got pregnant. I have been always against abortion and even more now after I visit one of this clinics where we went for an appointment for next tuesday.

During the time that I came back from vacation and almost same time she was pregnant (10 weeks ago), our relationship got worse. I went through controlled depression (more of a strong crisis) and about three days ago I packed and moved out. I realized that this was better for me, her and her pregnancy to be away.

We are supposed to talk again tomorrow to see what we want to do and how we want to do. She really wants to get back to me and have this baby together promising me that she would work on her temper, and she has high hopes I would return to her.

Reality is now that I am strongly against abortion, but at the same time I am certain I don't love her. If there were no pregancy would have been easier, but reality is that she is pregnant and I do not know what to do. Also, we are from different parts of the world but we are temporarily leaving here under legal status with both working for the same company.

The decision will be a joint decision as to whether pursue with the pregnancy. Even if we pursue with that, the baby will probably be raised by another father because she would probably at some point go back to her country. Since I could see myself going back to my own country, I would support but it would have to be from far most of the time and unsure how the baby would grow without my constant presence. I would not think she would accept that.

We defenetely can not stay together because according to my beliefs we can not raise a child if there is no love in case we stay together. I can not pretend or force myself into the relationship because also the child can feel lack of love and could have negative affect at later stage in her or his life.

I could never imagine I would go through something like this, but it happened. I just wish we had a healthy relationship because I feel ready to assume responsibility for the future born but not with her. I also learned and it was only lately that she has already gone through one abortion.

Any feedback is appreciate it.



Rgds,

Joao

Gee, what a mess! I am guessing from your name that you are Brazilian or at least from South America, and therefore come from a traditionally Catholic background. (Im irish and also Catholic and strongly anti abortion)

Of course the easy way out would be to make it clear that you will not support the mother of your child and encourage her to abort. You then have the short term solution to all your problems, Great.

But what of the long term? This child did not ask to be conceived, but it is there, growing daily in your girlfriend's womb. You are this childs father, no matter what decision you take now, you will be forever a parent, either of a living child or of a dead child. You have the opportunity to choose life, and it is the hard, rocky, narrow path right now. Abortion does not turn back the clock like some kind of magic time machine, it brings with it so many other problems. Did you ever think that your girlfriend suffers from post abortion trauma and that she needs help in this area.