i'm 19 and i just found out i'm pregnant, about 3 or 4 weeks. i really don't want an abortion but i can't see how i can raise a baby without dropping out of uni. i'm in the 3rd year of my degree and i'm doing a year out studying in france; i'm already knackered and i feel sick all the time so i doubt i could cope with going to uni until may. plus, my boyfriend is french so i couldn't go back to the uk next september to do my 4th year anyway...unless he came with me, which would involve him dropping out of uni, and i can't really ask him to do that. he's kind of assumed i'm going to have an abortion anyway - he knows i'm not sure about it but as far as he's concerned there's no way we could raise a kid. we're both going to talk to our parents about it this week for their opinions and advice, but i can't see him changing his mind and i think my parents will agree that i should have an abortion. in my head i know it's probably for the best, but i keep thinking about whether my baby's a boy or a girl and what it'd look like...i try to think about it as "just a lump of cells" but i can't. i've always been ambitious and there's so much i want to do, but part of me wouldn't mind putting my degree and my career on hold for a few years and sacrificing some travelling or whatever in order to have this kid.

what i'm worried about is how i'm going to feel after i terminate this pregnancy...i'm scared i'll feel guilty and my natural instinct will be to get pregnant again to replace the kid i just got rid of, that i'll get depressed or that i'll feel like my boyfriend or parents pushed me into it and resent them for it. i'd really appreciate any opinions on this from people with similar experiences.

caitlin

i know its hard but do whats right for you, you could take a year out but then your still gonna have sleepless nights when you go back. i have had abortions and babies and both are hard but it makes it a million times easier if you are positive its the right choice ou cant have doubts. you either can do this or you cant. good luck and be sure if your decision theres no going back. xx

if only 3/4weeks take time think it over, very carefully, dont just think because your at uni means dropping out that abortion is the answer, dont always works like that
ive decided just take a gap year
about the whole parnter thing, if all doesnt work out for the best, loads of supportive for single parents
leighannex2
31wk5dy

If your not sure its thr right thing to do then don't go through with it. I work full time and have a very busy life with horses to look after, so my days start at 6.30 am and I am not home until 7pm at night with constant running round in between, and yes its tiring but pregnancy is not an illness and there is no need to stop what your doing and put your feet up (as tempting as it may be). To me your study situation seems to be fairly ideal, you will have finished your years studies and have at least 4 weeks of before the birth, and then your studies won't resume until mid/end of september right? by which point you can always look at childcare so you can attend your classes and do your extra studying when you at home with the little one. I plan to try and work from home as much as possible after my little one comes as I don't want to have to use childcare very much. I am aware I may not get as much done in the day as if I were doing at office 9-5, but I can do my bits of work around the baby sleeping etc. My point is of course you can raise a baby without dropping out of uni. Most women raise a baby and return to a full time job - so its not really any different. If anything at least your child care bills won't be huge and I am sure in your position you will get government help to pay for these anyway.

I do not disagree with abortion, you have to do what is right for you, but you really do sound like the only reason you would have one is fear that you will have to give up uni - well you don't - us women cope with whatever is thrown at us and usually do it very well

good luck
x

Im 20 and in my second year of my degree. I discoverd that i was pregnant about a week after i got back from summer break and abortion was the most logical thing i could think to do. I am im a differant situation to you as im not stydying abroad or from a differant country to my partner. But i looked into everything very carefully ie money, and what to do with my degree and where i thought that if i kept the baby my life would be over and so would my degree, i soon found ut that i was very wrong. In speaking to my uni i found that i could continue all the way to the final second year exams and continue with my 3rd year as normal. They have been really helpful. My partner is planning to move to wales from the north east to be with me and support me, so now i am going to go for it and keep the baby.
I will not lie and tell you that studying is easy when pregnant (im 8 weeks) ive got increadable nausa at the most random times in the day and am tired most of the time and suffer from headaches but i know thast despite everything else in my life, i have made the decision that i really wanted not the one that my head was telling me to do.
I hope this helps, i just thought if you heard my story then you might feel a bit better in knowing you arnt the only one who has been or is in you situation. Whatever you decide will be right and dont ever forget that.

kirst x

Dear Caitlin,

You are probably suffering morning sickness (what a joke, it lasts all day) now and feeling lousy and tired. This will only go on for another month or so, by week 12- counting since the first day of your last period- it disappears like magic and you get extra energy for the following 3 months. This may allow you to stick out this year of college untill the summer break when you will be able to nurture this baby for a few months before you go back to college in October next year. This way the timing is not all that bad from a school point of view anyway. You should be able to get some kind of state assistance to mind your child then. Ask at your student union in England. I would not be surprised if you can get loads of help there.

I live in France, and have a French husband and I realise the French culture are very pro abortion, so I am not surprised you boyfriend just assumes you will have one. I got a lot of stick on this forum for posting links to a site which shows what an abortion actually does to a developing baby, foetus, bunch of cells or what ever you want to call it. Certainly not a pretty sight, but if you can stomach it show your boyfriend what this actually entails, check out my links on the thread started by Krist87 a week or so ago.

I assume with a name like Caitlin that you have some Irish heritage. Maybe I am wrong on that one, but the Irish are very pro life(im irish aswell). The problem is that if you are pro life by nature, then if you have an abortion in spite of this you will be in for so much suffering and guilt. Read up on Post Abortion Trauma, just google it and you will get many links. Or alternatively read some of the posts from broken hearted young girls here who just want their baby back. It would make you cry.

In this day and age there is always a way to keep your baby. Not always easy to realise it when you are pregnant and panicked and under pressure and suffering from morning sickness. You have to be very strong and brave and willing to sacrifice to go this way, but I think you are all those things.

If you want a chat send me a private message. I live in Normandy, near a city called Evreux.

Take care

Siobhan

thanks very much for all your replies, i appreciate it so so much...knowing other people have gone through and are going through the same thing and coping with studying or working at the same time is really helpful

i didn't realise the (so-called!) morning sickness only lasts a little while, that makes a big difference to me...if thats the case finishing this year should be possible. i suppose what i could do after that is take a year out between my 3rd and 4th years and stay in france with my boyfriend during that time before going back to the uk. by that time my baby would be over a year old, and that must be a bit easier than looking after a newborn, right?!

i wont lie, i really want a 1st in my degree and uni is a big consideration for me but the fact my boyfriend and i would be in different countries is more of a problem. on the other hand 4th year isnt that long, you start at the end of september and youre done by april i think...i could handle being away from him for 8 months. this is presuming hed stay with me. i think he would, he doesnt want this baby but hes an amazing guy and i think hed come around to the idea. he told his mum that im pregnant the other day and she was really good about it and hes going to speak to his dad tonight so hopefully hell be supportive too. as you say siobhan, the french are very pro-abortion but apparently his mum was in a similar situation when she was younger, so she knows what im going through.

im actually scottish and from my experience the scots tend to be pro-choice in principle but wouldnt actually go through with having an abortion themselves...that seems to be the general opinion amongst my friends anyway. im home for a week just now actually so im going to have a talk with my mum tonight and see what she thinks. one thing i do know is that i cant have this baby without my parents support, but i think i should be ok there.

again, thank you so much for your replies...i'll keep you posted on what i decide to do

caitlin x

Hi Caitlin,

From personal experience babies under 1 are easier to handle. They tend to stay in the same place you put them, which makes minding them a whole lot easier!
As soon as they start to walk you start to run. I dont know the logistics, but if you can finish your degree next year (as you say it is a short year) it will be easier to study and mind a 5-12 month old than waiting 1 year and minding a 17-24 year old. By 5 months your baby should be able to sleep through the night easily (I recommend putting baby on a schedule as much as possible, I found books by Gina Ford quite useful here) Just my opinion. Plus if you stop it might be harder to keep going. I dont know how you will work it out with your boyfriend though. Is there any way to finish your degree in France? or do some of the modules there? Of course it would depend on what you are studying, but it might be worth looking into.

I am relieved to hear a positive note in your mail in any case.

Keep strong

Siobhan x

I had an abortion on the 8th of september and was due to start univeristy on the 14th and move to england, im from ireland. i did all this without really thinking,i gave up a baby for uni! i then became very depressed as what i did began to sink in. i went to counselling but it was no good. i arrived back in ireland last week, no baby and no education and my heads a mess. Believe me you are so lucky to have made the right choice in time as i have completely messed up my life. good luck with everything and im sure you'll be a great mum x