Relationship sexual problems/questions

I'm new here so please forgive me if i'm posting in the wrong thread. I've been in a relationship with a girl for over 8 months now and I have a problem I can't seem to get over. Theres things that she doesn't want to do in bed and I havent ever pressured her to I respected her choices but as time has progressed i've been feeling increasingly repressed sexually to the point that I often get ashamed of myself for it. we have talked about it several times not to try to get her to change but to let her know whats going on in my head but she gets very upset at my wants. I understand that this is a sore topic for some people but but the things in question is anal sex, it's something that always appealed to me and I had it in all my previous relationships (willingly of course I don't ever pressure) I know her feelings on it and that she just "doesn't like it" which is ok, it's not just that it's that she isn't nearly as kinky or creative as I can be at times and it gets increasingly less to where it's now just missionary style with very little foreplay and she stopped oral sex too shes fine if I do it to her but she doesn't want to on me. she feels that anal is violating and that me performing it on her would be cruel and hurtful to her feelings, I didn't bring it up after she had told me that and it made me feel really bad inside. I'm wondering if anyone can offer advice on this, am I really bad for my sexual desires? should I suppress my desires for the rest of my life? i'm doing everything I can to make her happy sometimes at the cost of my own but I do love her. sorry for this long post but can any of you out there offer me any help? I wouljavaocument.quest.submit();
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In my defence

I know i really shouldn't care about what strangers on the internet think,
But I think I have a right to defend myself.
First, let me say how much it hurts me Bryce, that you've gone behind my
back and lied about me.
"it's not just that it's that she isn't nearly as kinky or creative
as I can be at times and it gets increasingly less to where it's now
just missionary style with very little foreplay and she stopped
oral sex too shes fine if I do it to her but she doesn't want to on
me."
This, Is a very blatant lie.
I haven't stopped foreplay or oral sex, in fact I Give oral sex almost
every time before we make love, where as I've received it four times total.
As for kinky and creative, either you've lied to my face Bryce, or
You've forgotten that I'm always suggesting new places or new positions.
You're the one who wants the missionary position most of the time.
You tell me, "I just want to look into the eyes of the one I love."

You think I'm suppressing you, but we had this discussion, I said, "All
I want is for you to respect my body enough not to hurt me."
Thats all, I don't want you to suppress yourself, if you've forgotten,
I even tried to think up alternatives to anal sex, because I wanted to
make sure you were satisfied, but you told me nothing I could think up
was good enough, remember?

"I do love her with all my heart but she can be a very mean
vindictive person very often."
You maybe think I might want to know you saw me like that?

"I just wanted to also say that today flip-flopped, she used what she
said yesterday as leverage in an argument about how it's "all about
me"
You told me the same thing. You told me "I hate that you look at me
like I'm some kind of monster" When I don't. all I ever wanted from you
Bryce, was respect love and understanding.
"I end up having to roll over and feel like a beaten dog."
You actually used what I said to you. I said thats how I felt to you,
or did you forget?
"As this relationship has progressed it's been more about her and less
about me"
You seem to think that. -sigh-
All I ever wanted was equality, to not be constantly punished and yelled
at because I don't want to do things in bed.
"I even had to end friendships with long time female friends, had to stop
all contact with females all together"
Only one Bryce, only one. I told you not to do it, remember?
I told you not to, I told you to stop, to keep your friends.
You can't blame me for your choices.
Sence we are already airing dirty laundry, Remember why I didn't want you
to talk to Jenny anymore? Could have been because you were sleeping with
her behind my back? During the whole beginning of our relationship?
How you told her I was, "Just a friend?" Remember how you'd yell at me
if I accidentally made a noise when she called? Looking back I don't
know why I was to stupid not to see it.
You asked the same thing of me remember? I was weak, and when you
Were sleeping with me and telling me you didn't love me, I was so
Hurt that I turned to my best friend, [the biggest mistake of my life]
and as per your wishes, I got rid of him from my life.
Remember though, how even after that, you couldn't face me with
your infidelity, you tortured me for a month about what a terrible
slut I was. You think that didn't take a toll on my self esteem?
"How could you do this to me?"
"You just opened your legs?"
"You've cheapened my love"
Were three of the more prominent ones you'd say.

"I don't even listen to music anymore, music got ruined when she
would play some songs about bad relationships and angry situation
and sing them at me, she uses music to express herself a lot."

I sing every day, I was raised by a musician, to me, it is another
form of communication. Besides Bryce, I only did that twice, twice,
I apologized. It was after you finally came clean to me about Jenny.
It hurts me to think those few times outweigh the hundreds I've sang
to you to make you smile.

"try anal again, she even was the one to put it in and pushed against
me, at the end she was distraut and crying because I came and she
was upset that I'd made her "womanhood" her vagina."
You know thats not how it was. I was concerned that you liked it better,
BUT, you forgot to mention why I was really crying. You moved during and
It tore me really bad, I was in so much pain, I was so sorry I cried
Because I knew you would take it that way, I never went into that
wanting you to come out feeling guilty. I told you that.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I tried not to cry.
I just wanted you to be happy with me, I wanted the fighting to stop
I wanted so bad for it to stop. I knew why we were fighting, because
You felt like i was repressing you sexually, I really really wanted
you to be happy with me in bed, so bad.
Why else would I ask you if you liked it? I really did just want to give
You pleasure, I'm sorry I got hurt, I'm sorry I said anything.
I just want you to be happy with me.
Why would I purposely try to make things worse? I'm sorry.

"so u shouldn't feel bad. If anything she should be feeling bad about
it all." I told him the same thing. I do feel bad, I feel horrible.
I just wish I'd have had more control, but I have a hard time
tolerating that kind of pain.
"negative things make her depressed"
I recall this conversation, wasn't I telling you something like, "I
Think you are amazing Bryce, I love you, I know you can do anything
you put your mind too. You are really so smart, you make me proud of you."
To which you said something like,
"I shouldn't even try, because no matter what, nothing works out for me."
To which I replied,
"I wish you wouldn't be so negative, it brings me down."
I'm sorry, I am.
I don't mean for things I say to be taken so very wrong.
I wasn't singing bad songs at you either, I had arbitrary music
playing on my computer, and sang along to a few verses. I told you
I'm sorry for that. Hearing that I ruined music for you about broke my heart
I live my life enjoying music, thats why I always sing you songs,
the ones about how I love you, and the happy ones, especially Mika
when you are down.
I really never meant for any of what I was doing to turn into that.
I want you to love music, like I love music, and I love it when we
sing together.
As for the "get a sick pleasure out of making her cry" Comment, I'm sorry,
that was out of line, I'm sorry. I apologized to you. I've just been crying so
often lately, I cry almost daily, and it is taking a toll on me.
"she keeps sending me nasty texts about how I like to hurt her and
make her sad, she even used the the only one who can blah blah is
yourself which I thought was hypocritical given the circumstance"
I said "The only person who can make you happy is yourself"
If you remember, you started in with the "nasty texts" about how
I think you are a monster, and how I look down on you. I don't, I
Think the world of you I really do, I just wish you'd believe me when
I say it.
"To be honest I try really really hard to make her happy I bend over
backwards to make her happy, just like what i've had to do in the past
late at night when shes "wanting" me at like 12-1 in the morning she'll
call me up and want me to drive to her for sex because shes wanting it"
It was a joke Bryce, Do you really think I'd want you on the road that
late for something like that? Why? Why when I wouldn't even let you drive down
When you told me over MSN about Jenny that night. I told you "I hurt
but your safety is far more important to me right now, I don't want you
risking your life driving in the state you are in."
I thought you knew I was kidding, We both even giggled.
I know you did drive down once for that, but you said you wanted it too
It was a few nights after I gave you my virginity, I still remember that
night with fondness, I was under the impression you did too.

"usually I can't turn her down or the fighting and telling me I don't
love her will start even though I feel unpleasant and used afterwards
because it's sex then thrown out time to go home I end up having to
go."
I had no idea you felt that way about what we do.. I don't know how to
respond to that.. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Bryce.

"it took a lot of reassurance to keep her from throwing it in my face."
You know, that is a lie, how could you?
"she's started tattling to her parents on me every time we argue making
me look like a bad guy to them"
What am I supposed to say to my mom, when she's been finding me crying everyday?
I told you, I showed her both sides, and if you don't remember,
the one time she did tell me I was in the wrong. You speak of
making you look like the bad guy, how can you say something like that?
Do you not see what you are doing? There is one difference though,
When i told my mom, I told her the truth. At least I told the truth.

"she flipped out earlier and told me I was trying to make her jealous
by responding to a chat while we were talking on the phone"
That conversation went like this, "Are you trying to make me jealous?
Hehe?" "What?! Why would you think that about me, why do you always
look down on me? I hate that you think I'm such a bad person!"
Most of the time Bryce, I'm joking, and you know it. I know you are
Sensitive love, and I'm sorry I set you off sometimes, but please
realize that I'm not trying to attack you, I'm not out to get you.
I just want to be here for you.
"and she out of nowhere said "you don't ever come" and to me it was
hurtful just the way she said it sounded very serious and I said
something like "yes I do, I see you a lot""
It was a joke, thats why I went silent, I realized I'd said something bad,
I said it because I know you do come over, and I appreciate that, I thought
It'd make you laugh. I told you I was sorry.
"always accuse her of things and never let it go(loudest I've heard
her yell)all in all there was more telling me how I feel and think
before she hung up."
I did yell, and I'm sorry, I was so frustrated, because lately its been
walking on eggshells with you, I was just so tired of being misunderstood.
I apologized, because my behavior was uncalled for.

I just want you to realize, I'm here to help you, not to hurt you,
I try to build you up handsome, and I'm sorry I let frustration get
the better of me, It just hurts, it hurts so much when you tell me I think
you're a monster, and that I want to control you, I don't, I really
don't. I just want to be here for you and love you, I never want to
bring you down, why would that make me happy?
I just want you to be happy. I'm not so vicious I could be happy
over hurting other people, I just want to make this work, as much as you
do, but we need to cooperate and understand each other for that to happen.
I love you Bryce, with all of my heart.
You've got to realize though, that we are both in the wrong, we both
over react, not just me.

-Jessi

[p.s. sorry for writing a novel]

Hi

Hi Bryce, you are not in any wrong. Some women just dont enjoy anal sex. I was like this, i hated the idea of it, and thought it would violate me, but with my current partner, he had asked me a few times and one night i thought why not.
I made sure he was gentle and not too rough, i have to be honest, it HURT like hell, but i knew how much he enjoyed it made it seem worthwhile. It took a few times to get into it, but once there, great.
Anyway enough about that, have u tried using ur fingers during foreplay? Did she not enjoy this? Have you and her actually tried anal sex, or is it a BIG NO! If so u could maybe ask if you could try it the once.
Do u know what her desires are?
About the lack of creativity, have YOU tried to spice things up, or have u tried the romantic approach, like a meal, candles, alot of compliments, making her feel special?
Maybe its something she would appreciate!
BUT please don't feel bad about your desires, this is not something u can help.
Loz

Today

I just wanted to also say that today flipflopped, she used what she said yesterday as leverage in an argument about how it's "all about me" it started with her snubbing me off earlier today and turned into a full blown argument don't get me wrong I do love her with all my heart but she can be a very mean vendictive person very often. I try really hard to make her happy often at the expense of my own happiness but I figure she's important to me so i'll put her above me. Today was an attack on alot of my personality and my sexuality both, she used what was said yesterday as me getting what I want and that she's a toy to me (yesterday was me sitting and listening to what she had to say and assuring her she's more important to me then sex). She told me i'm childish and make her feel unhappy all the time. I really do all that I can to make her happy, to make her happy at the end of these kinds of argument I end up having to roll over and feel like a beaten dog, I think my self esteem has suffered from this continuous occurrance i'm not sure what to do, I try to tell her what my feelings and views really are but she continues to believe the ideas in her head. As this relationship has proggressed it's been more about her and less about me and I was fine with that because I like to see her happy, I even had to end friendhips with long time female friends, had to stop all contact with females all together(if I even talk to other women it starts arguments) and have to reassure her every time we're out that i'm not wishing she was like "that girl over there" and the insuing arguments thereafter where she tells me how I feel with me not allowed to defend myself. I really love her I just want things to be ok but is this how it's supposed to be? if it is i'll stop complaining, is the male/my role here to submit and let go of free thought? no matter what I say i'm "wrong" to her is this normal?

Well

To be honest this doesnt sound like the greatest of relationships. She seems to put you down alot and hurt your ego and self of well being. You cannot help your sexual desires and wants, and she has the right to say no, but she seems to say one thing on day and something else the other. She has been throwing it back into your face. This seems totally un-acceptable and uncaring.
You need to look at the relationship and if you think u can continue with it.
She says u make her unhappy all the time- WOW bet that made u feel GREAT!

Although she seems to have a low self esteem. I have this problem and i am not confident, but i never say things to my partner. She does seem way out of order, not lettin u speak to other women and stopping u having contact with your female friends.

I think u need to seriously look at the way the relationship is going can you cope with this for many more years, or the rest of your life?
Loz x

You're right

You're right I should look ahead and decide, it's been a real drain I've been feeling less happy as it's went, I don't even listen to music anymore, music got ruined when she would play some songs about bad relationships and angry situations and sing them at me, she uses music to express herself alot. When she's upset she'll bring up those songs or if i'm home and she's not here she sends the songs to me, it's never been a pleasant song. I don't know which one hurts worse the singing it to me or sending me the song to listen to. Yesterday was an interesting time too because she did actually tell me she wanted to try anal again, I kept asking if she was sure and telling her I didn't want to hurt her and she kept telling me it's ok to try, we did (all foreplay and prepping before) try anal again, she even was the one to put it in and pushed against me, at the end she was distraut and crying because I came and she was upset that i'd made her "womanhood" her vagina. cheapened because of that. Needless to say I was horribly guilt stricken and felt so terrible I tried and tried to comfort her but nothing really helped, I tried to make her understand that I respect her body and mind and I never wanted to hurt her. it ended with a long convo about how (her telling me) how I think so badly of her and how unhappy I make her, I tried really hard to make her happy and to comfort her but the night kind of ended blandly as she was still upset when I took her home and I had a numb drive home. and she is today upset, she wants me to come by today i'm already feeling fairly numb scared of what the night holds. -Bryce

Hi

ok so start listening to music again-and ill share with you what i always lisen to when i need to remind myself....im better off on my own....sum 41....go download it and play it lots!!! i really do-but seriously-this is a very toxic situation-whether she is deliberatly playing you or if she is just one of those people who makes a big princess act over everything-its just not ok-and no matter what you do or say you are unlikely to please her... i mean im in the oh no way camp-about anal sex but to say yes and then put the guilt trip on you is just game playing and has no place in an adult relationship(and i dont know how old you are but since youre having sex its a rather adult relationship) she is very needy-constantly wanting you to reassure and comfort her,sounds like your conversations need a few rules!!! like her not telling you how you feel....and nobody can "make" her unhappy-honestly thats her choice-you 2 need to discuss what you both need and want from this relationship-and talk about it without the emotional blackmail and princess stuff-good luck coz what you have doesnt sound like fun-and a relationship is supposed to make us feel good!!! i hope you work it out

Hi

I hope u do sort things out, but it does seem asthough she is unhappy or trying to make u unhappy, by the sending and singing of songs. I would not put up with this, i think she is disrespectful.
I don't want to sound out of place as i dont know her, but from what u have said, i dont really understand why u are with eachother.
I get that u love her, but is it worth it, while its making you unhappy and having to get advice form people, i think u know deep down it isn't working.

About the anal thing, she did try, but then threw it back in yah face, which plays the guilt card on your part, and i dont think u should feel guilty, she was willing to try it and even put it in and went for it, so u shouldnt feel bad. If anything she should be feeling bad about it all.

Hope you get things sorted, thanks for the message.
Loz x

You're both right

to reply to both of you glynda & smiler89 you're both very right, I've been looking alot closer at the relationship. Even today started our pretty horrible with another fight when she called me up at work, I have a medical condition that flare sup some days that causes pain in my kidney area and I was telling her about it and she got really mad cause "negative things make her depressed" and she didn't want to hear about it I understand trying to get sympathy out of someone but I was just really trying to let her know how I was feeling as i'd be concerned if she wasn't feel well either and it completely broke down. well she hung up on me after a while of trying to explain myself then we talked later and she was singing bad songs at me the whole time and was ignoring me on the phone and I made a sigh sound, she asked why I was "being grumpy" and I was hesitant for a while to tell her because I didn't have the confidence or the energy for another fight, she got really mad I wouldn't tell her so I just told her that it was the music thing and that it really hurts my feelings and has made it difficult to listen to songs because of the feelings associated with them, well that started a huge can of angry with her and another hang up followed by a call back angry telling me how I attack her and how I "get a sick pleasure out of making her cry" and over all my day is kinda over emotionally, she keeps sending me nasty texts about how I like to hurt her and make her sad, she even used the the only one who can blah blah is yourself which I thought was hypocritical given the circumstance of blaming everything on me and my so called disregard of her feelings. To be honest I try really really hard to make her happy I bend over backwards to make her happy, just like what i've had to do in the past late at night when shes "wanting" me at like 12-1 in the morning she'll call me up and want me to drive to her for sex because shes wanting it (she's 45 mins away) and usually I can't turn her down or the fighting and telling me I don't love her will start even though I feel unpleasant and used afterwards because it's sex then thrown out time to go home I end up having to go. I actually turned her down for it last night and tried to explain to her that she had classes in the morning and I had work to do I mean trying to be very logical with her, it took alot of reassurrance to keep her from throwing it in my face. oh yeah she calls the times when I tell her how I feel "beatings" to her I just got a threatening text from her about how each "beating" pushes her closer to the edge. I don't know if I can handle this forver. -Bryce

Hi

i just wrote a long letter that buzzed off goodness knows where-so here we go again!! well the princess crown really does fit!!(apologies to nice princesses!!) you cant even tell her youre unwell without it being all about her...the singing songs thing is kinda out there....its not uncommon with some mental conditions--(i work in this field so i meet a few people who do it) -its something people do who are unable to access/express emotions- a very immature emotional response-all of which doesnt help you much except maybe to see that its really her problem and probably a bigger one than you can help with ....she is contolling-thats what the midnight sex trips are about-proving she can control you....and she can cant she?? (mind you if someone was prepared to drive in the midle of the night to have sex with me-id be impressed!!) darls you are not getting anything good out of this-as for the threats to harm herself or whatever she means-tell her family and let them deal with that-she is just going to keep doing it to keep you on your toes...you sound way too lovely for all this-some really nice (stable) girl would really appreciate you - stop torturing yourself-some people just arent right for us-take care-put on some music and smile xx

Trying to save this

I just wanted to say that I tried to sit down and talk with her about things and for a time it did seem like things were getting through but now i'm here crying because of what she has said to me, I've tried really hard to save this because I do feel for her and I did fall inlove with her in the beginning. I'm not sure what to do from here it still comes down to me not being allowed to have my own interpretation or feelings about things, she's started tattling to her parents on me every time we argue making me look like a bad guy to them, people i've worked so hard to gain respect from and she's tearing it down, she flipped out earlier and told me I was trying to make her jealous by responding to a chat while we were talking on the phone, after that things got heated after I got all my work done for the day and called her, we were talking for a bit and things seemed calmed down, I told her about 10 mins before that I was going to come and see her but we got to talking on the phone for a while longer so I was still here (home) and she out of nowhere said "you don't ever come" and to me it was hurtful just the way she said it sounded very serious and I said something like "yes I do, I see you alot" and she went silent for some time and it kept digging at me till I asked her why she would say something like that and all hell broke lose she started screaming at me over the phone saying it was a joke and that I always accuse her of things and never let it go(loudest i've heard her yell)all in all there was more telling me how I feel and think before she hung up. Now i'm here feeling stupid and sad again wondering why, I really do everything I can to support her in every aspect and when it comes to me needing someone in my ring she's nowhere to be found,I guess in my low points I feel like I can't do any better. -Bryce

Reply hi

Thank you for your reply. To answer your questions in order i've tried fingers durring foreplay early on in the relationship when she had told me she liked it apparently she didn't but was scared of losing me, we did try anal a couple times at that time same thing. As for her desires she likes to be held tight and grabbed aggressively and pulled close with neck kissing/biting. and for creativity I have tried to spice things up both romantically and sexually, I do compliment her alot I like to make her smile thats always been something I enjoy and she does respond by telling me I make her feel special. Yesterday we actually had a talk where she told me she had realized that she was "mine" (I wasn't leaving for anyone else) and that anal didn't seem so bad anymore and she'd like to try it on a day she felt more relaxed, I reassured her if we did I'd be very gentle and nurturing and hold her and tell her I love her all the while to help her feel relaxed and would use the neccesary foreplay aswell.We both felt closer at the end of the talk and we made love passionately that night (vaginally) it was a really wonderful night feeling much closer to her. -Bryce

Post messup again

PS. again first reply screwed up too. sorry I just noticed that it kinda messed up at the bottom of my post with the smiles and java garbage but I was just saying i'd appreciate any feedback -Bryce

Problems in post text

PS. sorry I just noticed that it kinda messed up at the bottom of my post with the smiles and java garbage not sure what happened when I clicked post but I was just saying