Is it doomed?

Hi everyone,

I've been looking for some advice or insight into a relationship thats developing with me at the moment and stumbled across this board so thought I'd give it a shot.

First off let me tell you a bit about me. I'm a 21 year old guy living in the UK thats just finished studying and currently working part-time. I'm fairly mature for my age (not the typical 21 yeah old guy that most people picture as in "out for what they can get").

Now to the point, during early last year I met and started communication with a 33 year old woman from Holland, now all was great and simple, we hit it off extremely well and have been in constant contact daily for around 7 months now , talking on the phone, via texts and emails, on MSN etc and around 5 months ago we both admitted we were falling for each other. Sounds good doesn ...

However, she is currently in a relationship with, lets say, a not particularly nice man that constantly demeans her, insults her and reduces her to basically nothing. Everything that goes wrong in the house is her fault, he tells her she's ruining everyone's lives all of this infront of their 3 children (At this point it might be an idea ot state that they are NOT married for what little that seems to mean these days). After talking to her about this and questioning her on why she was still with him (as this has been happening for some years now) she told me she just resigned herself to this life for her children. Fair enough, you see it a lot. The last couple of months however she has started saving money telling me she is going to leave him and I can't help thinking it is purely because of me since she never did before. Now I believe getting away from him is best for her, and for her children but not if its for me.
Now the age difference doesnt bother me, age has never really been a factor for me and well, at the end of the day, we get along really well, better than I have personally ever done with anyone before. Her having children doesnt bother me either, we've even talked about it and aired any issues there. I just can't help thinking she is doing this for the wrong reasons.

Well essay finished, I thought that was all relevant to know before I asked opinions on this situation.

Mostly I'd like to know:
1) Is she really doing this because of me, have I inadvertantly stepped in and torn apart a family,
2) Are we both just dreaming or is it really possible for us to be together and be happy.

Thankyou in advance, sorry for any typos.

Graham.

Who knows

Hi

I think you are asking some really good questions.
So well done and I mean that.

I am 45 and seeing a 25 year old. We have been together 2 years now. I have two children by another man but we had been separated before my new partner met me.
It is so difficult this one.
We are hitting issues now - he is a great man and I love him and I know he adores me totally. The children are the important ones here.
My partner and his sister have divorced parents and still at 23 and 25 hate their step parents!
It divides families.
If she leaves and I agree it sounds like she possibly should then she should live on her own fow a while and you two have a relationship that initially is just about you two.
Don't forget leaving will hurt the children tremendously and they do not want in ten years time to be angry at mummy or you believeing you took her away or she left for you - that is exactly what my partner and his sister feel. It was not like that but even as adults especially his sister, who i really care about is not over it.
I want to believe age does not matter but I do get resentful when he s with me and we share a life when I am on my own but dissapears when i don't...however he is young and should do his thing. well even when your older you should . I just think er with caution - help her figure it out let her know you care but reflect some of the bigger picture matters like the kids, financials etc so she does not rush into things.

Hope this helps.

Thanks

Just saying thank you for the reply.

I understand fully that her children are extremely important here and I've told her that I understand if she wants to put a hold on things with us while she sorts out everything there several times, trying to tell her she doesn't have to rush through anything for me (without giving the impression I don't care).

As for her leaving hurting the children, yeah, it probably will hurt them, most likely her two youngest, however her daughter receives very similar treatment from him as she does and so does her youngest (although to a lesser degree). Also recently I found out that her daughter knows about me, and started talking to me (which I'm not sure was such a good idea just yet) but she says she likes me and if I make her mum happy then just to go for it, whether she's being honest I can't say. But when she does finally leave she will be living alone for a while with me visiting her when I can, not moving straight together or anything like that.

As for trying to bring up bigger issues that will arise from this we have spoken a few times on such issues as her children, financial things etc, I'm not generally one to rush into things anyway so I try to explore any issues and solve them (if possible).

Again thank you for the reply, I know this isn't an easy situation.

Graham