not to nag, but sometimes they need a little reminding..

Hi,

I'm sitting here looking at my husband (asleep on the settee)who walked in from work at 10.15pm after going for a good old drink. It looks like he's had something to eat cuz its all on his chin. OMG what a f**king state. At this moment in time I hate him.

We've been together for 25 years and he's always liked a drink and you know gone out straight from work and never bothered telling me when he's coming home etc etc. I just don't know how much more I can take. He phoned me at 6pm and said "I'm just finishing my pint and then I'll be home", well just over 4 hours later here we are.

A few months ago he got banned from our local pub and said that he will change and not go out binge drinking like that anymore, I said I would give him one more chance and he's failed miserably. I just don't know what to do. We have 2 kids, nice house, although we were in a bit of a mess financally we're ok now but not in a position for me to leave.

Can anyone give me any good advice??

Thanks

BD1101

hi, i am on the same boat as you, i've been living with my partner for 2 yr, he always has his friends in the house drinking, ive got to cook 4 them all and clean the house everyday for them all to come in messing it up, he has 1 friend here from thursday to tuesday every week. we never get any time to ourselfs and i always feel left out i have no respect. My partner turns really nasty when i try to talk to him about why im getting stressed out he says i'm mad and need help, he thinks this is normal and i should just put up with it. last week i took an overdose to try and end it all, this has not even concerned him in the slitest, i think you should do what i'm planning on doing before it gets to the point where you feel useless, u have kids to think about. save up some money and dont tell him about it and just leave, get someone who wants to spend time with you not in the pub, someone who respects you,

let me know how u r,

leanne

Hi Leanne,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. That is so unfair for you, you are being treated like a slave. Can you not go out when they come round and not cook for them, let them fend for themselves. And as for him saying that you are mad and need help, it sounds like he's trying to brainwash you into believing that's what you are, and you certainly are not!!! My husband used to say that to me and I did begin to think that it was all my fault and that I was mad and all that but I came round to my way of thinking and realised that it wasn't me that needed help, it wasn't me who was going mad and that he was the one with the problem. You don't deserve to be treated like this and you really should consider leaving him if atall possible.

Things aren't too bad at home at the moment, he doesn't tend to do it every week but when he does he does it BIG TIME!!! So we'll have to wait and see.

Take care Leanne xxx

not to nag, but sometimes they need a little reminding..

I would advise you to visit an ALANON meeting. I have also been married for a long time, and my better half stopped drinking, but that took long.

What you describe is the classic career of an alcoholic (= your husband) and the affected codependent (= you).

He knows that you are not ready to leave yet, and so it does not really matter what you say or whether you say anything at all - he is not going to take it seriously anyway.

When I was not ready to leave yet, I also had all kinds of reasons why I cannot leave, but at an open AA meeting I learnt that when I want to I can leave and only then my alcoholic had had a chance to look after himself.

Have you tried telling him that you feel like you hate him and you want to leave?
Maybe you tell him you hate the drinking and him coming home later than he said.... but if you tell him that the truth is deep down you are thinking of leaving him, it might be the wake up call that he needs.
If that doesn't work then maybe you could look into a bit a break, living somewhere else with the children for a while, or him living somewhere else for a while, sometimes that can help push things along.

Hope this helps a little , good luck

Living somewhere else for a while might be an idea, but telling him that you want to leave is not going to change a thing.
An alcoholic looks at actions, not at words, and as long as he can continue drinking comfortably, he does not care what happens beyond that.

Any dry alcoholic in an AA meeting will confirm that.

If she says she wants to leave, he is only going to further loose respect, because he will think "Blabla...she has said a lot but has not stuck to her guns, so she is not going to stick to her guns now either."

Thanks for your messages. Does it mean that he's an alcoholic even if he doesn't do this on a regular basis? This was last Friday and he hasn't been for another drink yet.
He was very apologetic (as always) and of course it was Valentine's Day and he bought me a card and flowers, I didn't buy him anything, couldn't bring myself to.

So do you think I should suggest AA even if he's not a permanent drinker??

Yes, of course he is an alcoholic, even if he does not drink every day. There are different types of alcoholism. Check out the homepage of AA. That will explain it probably better than I can, since English is not my mother tongue.

If you suggest him AA, it is not going to help. He will maybe say "okay, I am going there", and in reality he is going to his drinking buddies, or he will say "You are crazy to insult me. I am not an alcoholic."

You should try to find and ALANON meeting. That is a meeting for friends and relatives of alcoholics, and there you can learn to do something for yourself and to better distance yourself from his problem.

This is how I did it.

Thanks, I appreciate you advise xx