Am i horrible?

Hello, my partner and I have been together for 10 years. He is 14 years older than me. Until now it has never bothered me. I am 31 and he is 45. The thing is though I don't think he makes much effort for me to find him attractive. He is overweight and hasn't seen a dentist for 20 years. I find it difficult to get physical with him now. It upsets me so much. We are due to get married in 6 months time. I am scared of the future. I love him very much but sometimes I find it embarrassing that he has a beer belly etc.. Am I horrible? I always take a lot of care of my appearance. I always look smart, wont go anywhwere without my makeup on and watch my weight. I have never had an affair and wouldn't want to but I can't say that I haven't looked at men thinking I wished my partner was as slim as them. Please help me I am full of guilt feeling this way.

No!

Tell him. So what, he may get upset, but if you don't tell him now, you will both become much much muuuch more upset after the marriage.

Tell him you don't find him attractive. Tell him, that if he doesn't do something, you won't marry him. It's not being horrible because, at the end of the day sweet, your happiness is what matters.

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and I make sure that he takes a bath before seeing me. And he honestly doesn't mind. I'm lucky in the fact he does take care himself (more than I do in regards to fashion!) but I will tell him if he needs a shave, or if his hair needs a cut. If a guy doesn't find it in his interest to keep himself looking good for you, then why should you put up with it? It sounds to me that the sex is for him, now, you do it to please him, not to please both of you. He is selfish to expect this of you.

You need to tell him, sweet, or you are going to regret this. I know I must be sounding pretty horrible at the moment, but my mother has been married to my father for 15 years, he's over-weight, doesn't clean, and she hates it, and it make me uncomfortable going anywhere with him. Just think, if you feel unnattracted to him, just imagine how any children you may have will feel.

Why?

Why don't you talk to him about that? In a very gently way you could say to him that it would be great for him and for you both to take care of himself.

have you tried to do that?

I know

When I met my husband he was slim and handsome. But 2 or 3 years after marriage he had managed to put on 65 pounds!! Wow!! That changed completely his appearance. It was awful and hard to get physical. I couldn't and I had to. Sometimes I cried silently in the dark 'cause I couldn't bear it. He had a giant belly, boobs, enormous cheeks... And I kept like you said, always trying to look pretty, sexy, not to gain weight...
He didn't seem to understand. I made lot of suggestions, about some of our neighbours, like "Poor woman, having to make love with that monster of husband". But no way. He went on eating and eating. Until this year. He found out that he was 199,99 pounds and that scared him. And he began dieting.
The thing is, he thought a pair of weeks should be enough to get into his old shape. And of course, anyone knows, it's not like that. I'm afraid he'll soon lose interest and return to eat a lot. I flatter him for his slight results, but I guess it's a forlorn hope. He's overweight, unattractive, ugly and for the rest of my nights sex is gonna be disgusting.

Give yourself a break.

hey im flamey... obviously not my real name but its my real nick name. i read your post and i both see where your coming from about wondering if you're horrible and see that you deserve better. six months from getting marride and signing a paper that says you want to spend the rest of your living dayd with your fiance is a very big commitment, you have to be sure you want to wake up every morning next to him, might sound harsh but it's true. also being six months away from getting wed means you must also be very in love and excited about your big day, one of the biggest in your life doll. personally i honestly dont think you are horrible, i think you're nervous and maybe thinking you deserve better. im probably wrong but i think you do deserve better, you say you look after your aperance and why the hell not, i like a man who looks after his body and hygien cos there aint nothing worse than smelling B.O. no matter how much you love someone. you gotta feel attracted to the love of your life 24/7 and if you dont... theres something not quite right. hand on my heart i think you deserve better hun. think about what YOU want out of marride life other than kids maybe. if you find it hard to get phsycal with the man your guna end up spending the rest of your life with...maybe you either need some time and help or think about making a new start. sorry if this hasnt helped, i dont no everything and im only 22 and single for now but iv always been ok at giving advice. good luck.

Middle age spread

Hiya,

Most men as they get older dont feel the need to bother with themselves in that way, they seem to get in to a rutt. Ask him if he wants to join a gym with you to try loose the weight that he has, say that it would be nice for him to look good in wedding photos. Not only that it would be doing something together(dont know how much time you spend together .

My first x husband was just like that he never had brushed his teeth, only when i reminded him too,he was over weight but not as much as what he is today, i was 18 and he was i think 45.my marriage lasted about 5 years, he now has a very bad pot belly and no teeth.

You should love him for his personality, dont always listen to your heart as the heart can be deceiving. It seems that your not happy, how can you get married if your not happy? Ive been married twice and marriage isnt something that you can just jump into, if i could turn back time i wouldnt of got married.
Like yourself i dont like going out with out my make up and like to look smart and sexy too, and i try to look after myself, my weight is just something i cant do that much about as i have water retention problems so near time of the month my body just puts on more love handles . just talk to him, and say how you feel too. your not been nasty, just tell him how you feel.

Your right not horrible

tell him he is too comfortable does not realize he is not looking his best i tell mine and he tells me you have got to try to look nice for each other or it wont work i am married a long time but you must make the effort or you wont feel physical it will only get worse feel you resent him good luck.

No not horrible!

ok, so he's older, but it doesnt mean that you have to put up with him being a slob.
if you've tried hinting, then tell him straight.

Its hurting you that he has let himself go, that you don't feel physically attracted to him anymore, and unless he does something about it, you won't marry him.

Marriage without discussing this with him isn't going to make it any better, in fact you're sending the message that its "ok" for him to be like this.
Would you rather sort it out now in the hope he'll at least make an effort? or get into a marriage knowing you don't feel attracted to him and all the problems it will bring at a later date?

As a matter of fact...

Iconsider you are not in love with him anymore.You see all his defects now.You are ot attracted to him...and you are not married yet!
Try to take some distance,think it over,and follow your heart!Getting married to someone you do not like wil just crash your self esteem and abandon yourself too!
Ihope you just make the right choice !