Am i horrible? i want my b/f to stop seeing his daughter!

Hi there, I'm 20 years old, my fiancé Gary is 22...
He has a 3 year old little girl from his previous relationship -She is the spitting image of her mother and such a sweet,innocent little thing...

He only see's her once a week or so at the moment as it is, but when he does, it drives me wild...I get angry at him for being stupid and getting his ex pregnant in the first place! I know its not his little girls fault but I blame her for spoiling things...

Everything I've looked forward to just seems taken away from me
I'd always said I'd never go for a guy with baggage but we'd been friends since I was 14 and I really liked him. I obviously didn't see it as a problem when we just started seeing each other and I always thought it would remain as not being a problem.

I was very wrong...

Now I feel like my dreams have been destroyed. I always imagined meeting that perfect guy [and with the exception of his baggage, he is] We'd get married [which we're going to...I hope- if this problem doesnt spoil things that is] and have our OWN family. But he already has someone elses!!! He's done the delivery, the birthing classes, the long nights, the feeds, the daddy stuff yaddyyaddyyadda. Its ok to tell me she wont be treated any different but I keep thinking my future children will miss out on more cos hes giving most of his love to her for missing out on so much...

Im a jealous person...I dont want to hear about his ex's or anythin. But he obviously has to be in contact with her all the time because of the kid and that doesnt help matters. Then every time I see his little girl, it's like looking at a miniature version of his ex straight in the face It hurts, it hurts deep

I've tried my best to accept her
I dont doubt his love for me
I dont think he'll ever love me any less or anything
He does everything he can to assure me and show he loves and cares for me
I just dont know why I feel this way
Ive tried putting photos of her up, spending time with them, talking about her and planning things for them to do together but...I dunno if it just makes things worse!?
It leaves me in tears and feeling like sh*t time and time again

So it all progresses to me wanting him to stop seeing her
Because I feel like its the only solution left
He doesnt come up with any other possible solutions so what am I meant to do?
I cant continue to feel this way because it will result in our relationship being doomed!
The thing that hurts me most is that im starting to hate myself- for having these such strong negative emotions towards this tiny person who's never asked for anything or done any wrong...Shes only 3 years old. She cant be taken back [although I do keep wishing she could be] What do I do?

What CAN i do to look at the situation differently?
What can HE do to help me get through this?
Why am I blaming this little child?

You can think Im a sick person for feeling like this and asking someone to do such a thing...What do I have the right to? I know this...Thats why I need to get it sorted ASAP
Even if the relationship didnt work because of it or for whatever reason...I need this sorted
Pronto

Please help me

x

Re:am i horrible

I just want to say I admire you for posting your feelings when in such an awkward situation.

I would like to give you a different perspective on all of this.

My parents broke up when I was 5, then got together with new partners, I found it hard with my stepmother as we didn't gel immediately but I got on with my stepfather from the start.

When I was younger I hated my stepmother, but when I grew older realised that she made my father happy so feelings of hatred dissapeared.

I know how you feel as the feelings have been expressed through my father, it is hard.

My mum and dad re-married new partners and my stepdad had kids from his ex and my dad did too.

I know it seems hard but I am so glad that they split and re-married as we are like a happy family, my half brothers and sisters are like real family and I am trying to show you things from the other side.

I know you find it hard, my mum and step-mother found it hard having to deal with kids that weren't there kids.

Although your ex has a kid from an ex, remember that he can't change that. You can make the most out of it, he is with you for a reason. And if you have a child then it can make your family bigger and better.

My dad has been married 3 times and had 2 kids in each marriage and we are the closest family, I don't ever think about them being half siblings, they are 100% family.

I know I am waffling but the fact that I am trying to get across is that it doesn't matter if there are kids from previously. Not everything works out 1st time around, and if your partner has a kid from previously it doesn't mean your partner loves you any less.

Sorry for spraffing

xxxxxx

So wrong

yot u should not feel this way about his daughter she is an innocent child and was concieved prior to your relationship. you are acting immature and there is no way on this earth that you should ask him not to see his daughter as she is in his life forever and he wont choose you over her. why not let him see her on his own you havent been together long enough.

Yeah you are horrible!!!

my little boy goes to see his dad every weekend and if he ever met a lass like you id knock him out you sound like a spoilt brat who wants everything your own way would u feel that way if it you in the same position, im very suprised that your fella id=s still with you, you will loose him if you make him miss out on his daughters life its people like you who leave people like me without a father figure its disgusting you should be horrified in yourself i just hope if you have children you dont treat them like it

Think long and hard!

I think your predicament can only be understood by someone who's been in a similar solution. And I also think that in your hearts of hearts you don't want to stop your fiance from seeing his daughter - which is why you keep asking us to tell you off. You're at the end of your tether and think a quick fix is if he doesn't see the child. After all, if you don't see a problem then it doesn't really affect you, right?
Wrong. It will bring problems you NEVER even imagined!
Your priority (and you're already half-way there) is to remove the influence of the mum from your lives. She can't vanish completely because she is the mother of his child but she needs to respect that you are with Gary now and his SOLE responsibility is towards his child. She needs to stop telling tales about the pair of you, must NEVER use the child as a pawn and get on with her life. You in turn need to understand that love or affection isn't a finite thing. When you start your own family with Gary, he will be as compassionate and as excited as he was with the birth of his daughter. Would you love your 2nd child less than your first because you've attended pre-natal classes and been up nights before?!
You also need to understand that the more you moan about this, the further you drive your man away. He will NEVER stop seeing his child cos you say so, and will resent you for suggesting it. Instead tell him what's bothering you, how you feel (not emotionally or weeping, just rationally and sound as if you want to try and reach an agreeable solution). And don't go on about it! ONE time, nice evening, both of you in a good mood, no TV, not adverts between the footie, NO whingeing etc...
Finally, he needs to understand why and how you feel. Explain logically so he doesn't think you're an immature cow trying to stop him seeing his child. He needs to make his ex understand it's no longer about her, and that she needs to stop with the b*tchiness.
Hope this helps!
All the best
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Grow up

I cannot believe how selfish you are. This guy that you LOVE has history, and this includes his daughter. How can a woman be jealous of a 3 year old??? You are right in saying that it's not her fault,but every 3 year old deserves to have their father around them as much as possible.There are enough messed up kids out there without people like you adding to the problem.
Sometimes its good to put yourself in other peoples shoes. How do you think this makes your fella feel???
Isuggest you get a bloody good counsellor, cause there has to be an underlying issue,and if you can't do this then get out of the relationship and find a guy who doesn't have kid/kids from a pevious relationship..... And finally GROW UP !!!

Jealousy

Firstly jealousy ruins alot of relationships, What have you got to be jealous about?? a child that looks like her mother?? You knew he had a child, so surely you have accepted his baggage and his x. More then likely the x is jealous of you too,as you have her x and she hasnt and also as you have her childs dad.

Arrange it so that you yourself dont have to go with your partner to face his x.
You either have to deal with it, or call it quits.either way its brokern hearts time.

Its un fair to ask your partner not to see his child as there would be plenty of time when they grow up that he wouldnt see much of them. If he is put into the postion of chooseing then it would be the kid not you. Dont you think theres enough kids that dont see the dads when they are young???

If you dont want to see the kid then you dont have to, go out and do something else while he sees his child,is it going to kill u?

I have 7 kids my partner has 3, 2 of which he doesnt see and hasnt seen for a long time. He hasnt seen his son grow up since the age of 3(his x wouldnt let him see his son) his 2nd daughter he dont want to know, but his first daughter, i went to see her for the first time. Shes the spitting image of her dad, and its pleasent to see her and him getting on, for a dad to give his daughter a kiss or even a hug. Fatherly love.

Until you have a child of your own you wont know how it feels. I see my kids every other week, i dont miss them but i love them too bits.

Looking at what you have wrote i cant see how you can say that this is the right relationship for you, its not what you want is it?

You might both have feelings for each other but u can see that its not right, been a jealous person isnt good for any relationship, talk to your other half and tell him how you really feel, Is it really what you want?

hope ive helped a little.

U r not horrible!

Hi!
It's really very difficult, but- I married last year, and my husband has two children. The first one, he is 19, lives with us, my husband had him since the boy was 7. And the youngiest, he is 13, comes every second weekend and half of his school holliday. O, my God! It's difficult. They are not bad, but... They have mothers... And these mothers were in my husbands live. Yes, two different women. I know,they are his PAST, but 1 thought about them drives me mad! But Im trying not to pass it on children, Im trying to be friendly. I understand, that they are suffering too.
I don't know really what to advice, because its really very difficult, but I AM trying to live with this. I havent got my own children yet, but looking at how my husband is with his children, I see that he is a good father, and he will be the same with our child.
BUT THE PAST!!! the past can ruined any relationship. But, if you decide, that you want only this man, and he loves you, his child will not be a problem. She musnt be! Ecpessially, if she is so small! You just can try to think about her separatly from her mother, it helps me, maybe will help you. You can hate her mother, but dont hate her! Because it will hurt your bf too! If he will have a choice between you and baby, maybe he will choose you,but he will hate you for that later!
I dont know, if my life story helped you, but your choice-if you want to be with him, dont stop him seeing his daughter, if you cant handle with the thought that she is in his life - find a new bf.
PS. try to put yourself in his shoes.How would you feel, if somebody would forbid you to see YOUR child?
Good luck!

Thanks...

Ive never tried to distinguish his little girl from the mother
She makes our lives miserable
Slating us to people etc...its not nice
But I guess we could work out a way of seein the child without having to make contact with his ex
I hope she changes
Shes a really bitter person
I really want this to work

If she lived wi him it'd be fine
Its really the mother I want rid of

You will work out what to do. Just SHE will never stop trying to make your live difficult. Of course, i dont know her, and i cant be categorical in saying such things, but its women nature...
Just take care about yourself and gary, and never let HER to spoile your relations and your luv. You will never get rid of her, but you can make things easier, u can try. And SMILE!! Especially if u have to meet with her. Smile! It will make u feel better, and her -feel horrible. Sometimes its very difficult, but it works.

Please...

Someone give me some sorta advice
Even if its to be shouted at
I should feel ashamed

Some advice

I think you are blamming your realationship on this little girl wen in fact its not..i Think your realationship is not as brilliant as you say. I get were you are coming from about having your own future with the man of your dreams and having your oqn children...that wot girls want the perfect dream. But i think the problem here is you i think deap down you know that you cant let this go, the fact that hes got bagage and the fact he had his first child with someone else....i dont think you are a nasty person but you cant ask a father to stop seeing his child because that is selfish and that 3 yr old growing up without a father will be come a diffrent person cuz ave been there myself a girl with no father. there is 2 things you can do get on with it and be happy that he didnt bale out on a pregnant woman and you can still live your dream or bale out and have some fun in your life your only 20 wots the need fpr settling nown so fsst and you can still find the perfect man.