Emotional adultery or enduring love?

I am 31 years old and have been with my partner 6 years - married November coming 4 years . My husband is 43 years old and our relationship is pretty even keel but over the last 2 years there have been issues with our sex life and our general fulfillment in the relationship.

My husband finds it difficult to express any of his feelings and has been seeing a psychologist. In the beginning it was o.k. but now he spends all his time contemplating the issues that comes up in these session which has made his ability to communicate even worse. I have now stop trying to find out what was discussed or even bother to find out what he is feeling. I have suggested on several occasion that maybe we should separate to give him time to resolve these issues or even go to marriage counseling to deal with our marital issues but he is still thinking about those..

On several occasion, I have been contemplating leaving him and have told him so.. he has said if that is what I want then I should go..but I feel such a strong obligation to him because he has helped me and my family so much and despite our issues he is a very loving, caring husband and a good man.

He says he is just as worried as I am about our situation but he loves me and he is trying to fix this -albeit over 4 years now. I also feel guilty that at his age and with his inability to communicate his feelings if I leave he may never be happy again. He wants us to have a child and I am thinking I might go ahead just so that he has something out of the relationship.

To further complicate issues an old friend from six form who I had a crush on and not spoken to for 15 years and I have been in contact over the last few months. He has acknowledged that he had similar feelings for me in six form but we were both too shy to take our friendship further. He has even said
he still has a love letter I wrote him declaring my feelings-- not sure if said letter has been kept by design or by accident.

He lives in the US so we chat and flirt online. Initially I tried to set some borders on the relationship by letting him know that even
though I have feelings for him I was not
trying to start a relationship with him. He basically said something along the lines of he liked speaking to me and wouldn't do anything to mess up my marriage (ironic I know). We seem to have a special connection and even though we have never had or have any physical contact I find myself very attracted to him. We debate and spar on issues and our beliefs and convictions are very much on par with each other. He makes me laugh and is ver complimentary and encouraging of me. I find myself undertaking a lot of new activities because he is so encouraging to me.

I look forward to our interactions. I talk freely to him and it is like we have never lost contact, I have discussed the issues I am having with my husband with him and he has been very objective in his advice. Despite my attempts to keep it platonic I find that I spend a lot of time thinking about him and find myself flirting quite openly during our chats. I have discussed this with him and he has confirmed that he doesn't mind and has been quite receptive and responsive to it.

To make all this worse, in our last conversation I quite playfully suggested that I could send him a semi-nude photo and he was open to the suggestion. I subsequently sent it and now am racked with guilt and
embarrassment. I know some of this is emotional adultery but I couldn't bear not speaking to him again. I have even been secretly entertaining the idea of going to the US to see him. I am now full of resentment for my marriage but I really don't want to hurt my husband. Also I am not scared of the loss of the security it provides. I don't know what to do, deep down i think I love my friend but I am not 100% sure if he sees me more than a friend and is just boosting his ego. I think I know him well enough to say no.. but all in all I just feel like a horrible person.

Thanks in advance for you advice

Love or in love??

Hi there, can I just say I don't think you are a horrible person! I don't think you would be spending so much time thinking about your husband and your situation if you were. I don't really know where to start with the advice, I usually give advice to friends over the phone/in person so it would take an age to write down every I would say! So I'll keep it as short as I can!
1)Get yourself along to one of his sessions, maybe writing a letter to the psychologist before hand explaining your feelings about your husband and your marriage. Any self-respecting professional would appreciate the input& should understand how important it is that your feelings are addressed (if you are unhappy, ultimately your husband will be).
2)Explore how you feel about your husband, are you IN love, do see him as a your partner or your friend. There is a big different between love and being in love. This is possibly the hardest thing to do. Don't just think because the sex isn't so fulfilling that you must have fallen out of love. You have to be honest, put his feeling aside and decide if there is more to your feelings than just loving him. If you are in love with him it's worth the effort, everytime. If you stay for just the security you'll end up an emotional wreck at somepoint in you life.
3) Fantasies are sometime better left at that! It's amazing how good somethings can seem when you're having a hardtime. This old school friend may be inspiring you& providing support which is great but it's maybe because you are looking for the excitement, attention and newness that your husband isn't giving you. Don't worry about the photo we all get caught up& carried away from time to time. Could it be some kind of revenge/lesson to your husband for neglecting you? It seems like you husband has got caught up in his own world with the counselling sessions.
4) Don't have a baby just to give him something, I imagine if you spent time thinking through that bit of advice logically you'll know why (you prob already do)
5)Try not speaking to your friend for a short-undefined period, it's amazing how much we can convince ourselves we need something, rather than just seeing that we want something. If you bring yourself to arrange a secret trip to the US behind your husbands back, you have the answer: you& your husband are not meant to be, end of story.

Hope this helps, hang in there! I've been in a similar situation myself& come out the other side of it realising my boyfriend is the one for me, thankfully without cheating on him (even if I do go into fantasy land with other people from time to time, I don't think that ever stops& think wiser people than me would agree)

Insightful

Wow, just read this reply. It's so insightful. Wouldn ... be wonderful to have these rational thoughts all the time?

Advice

Hi jem1980

Thanks so much for your advice. I am so grateful that you have taken the time to answer my post. It all seems so straightforward what I need to do once I read your input.. I guess it is so much more difficult to see the answers when it is all bottled up inside..I will definitely take what you have said to task.

Again thanks ..hope your friends know how blessed they are to have you..thanks again and I will keep the post updated..

Thanks