My partner has been in contact with an ex now he says he does not love me.

I have been with my partner for 7 years, we have lived together since we met. I found out by chance 8 months ago that he has been in contact with an ex girlfriend from over 10 years ago. At first he told me that it was just a friend thing, this was back in February, and I stupidly believed him. However, about 3 months ago I began to notice he was acting differently, I then found out that he was still having contact with this girl but on a deeper level. Apparently they have discussed getting back together and all sorts. He told me he thinks he is in love with her as she meant the world to him when they were together. After this first bombshell, we decided, after much work on my side, that we should try to work things out and he agreed to stop contact with her, however, only about 2 weeks after this I again found out he had maintained the contact with her, another big row kicked off, this time even worse than the first time, he told me he did not love me anymore and wanted to leave. I was beside myself and asked him to re-consider, which he did and we again decided to give our relationship another try. Trouble is since then I cannot get it out of my head and I now spend loads of time looking for evidence that he is still speaking with her. This weekend things between us again took a nose dive, I ended up telling him that perhaps fate was playing a part and we should just split up, (I meant none of this but I had been drinking and emotions were high as I had noticed on her website that day that she was announcing pregnancy)he agreed and we decided to settle on November as this is when the lease comes up on our home. He seemed quite happy and that is when I told him I would never be able let him go to her, he said I was being unfair and selfish and that I could not stop him doing anything if he wanted to. I ended up telling him that she was saying she was pregnant and I asked if he had slept with her. He kept refusing to answer, finally exhaustion took over and we went to bed. The following day I asked again if he had slept with her but he kept telling me he was not going to answer me, he said I was in the wrong for continuing to look for things and that anything he told me I would use against him. In the end, after loads of pleading and begging from me he told me he had. I was devastated. Trouble is we live 150 miles away from his ex and then I started to think how he could have as he had not stayed out all night or anything like that, I told him this and he ended up saying he had not slept with her! I was really upset by now and I told him that all I wanted was a straight answer to the question, he ended up telling me he had not slept with her, that she was not pregnant, (that had been announced for my benefit as I was continuing to nose,) and he said he had had no contact with her since we had decided to try again. Trouble is, do I believe this or was all this said for my benefit and to keep me quiet? I'm worried he is planning to go anyway. I would really appreciate some advice as I feel as if I am going mad at the moment. I know this is all very long winded so thank you for reading.

Dont forget whats important here

Hi . I know 7 years seems to be a lifetime or as you thought it would be but remember you were fine before you met him and will be now. Also why would someone of your obvious will to try want a bloke who has treated you so poorly even with seven years behind him with you and not even given you a thought of how you would take this news he has not been trying for your sake at all so the sooner this ends the sooner you will be able to get that man you really deserve and as for him let him think the grass is greener to find out all it is is dirt from now on. dont feel pain for someone who has been trying to cause you pain. I hope you remain strong as you sound it to me . At least you know now the reason for wanting better for yourself.X

Thank you.

You are right, I did feel I would end up spending the rest of my life with him and I do think that was what hit me the hardest, once I found out what was happening, I started to believe there was no future for me anymore without him. I now realise that is not true. I do deserve better from him and if he cannot give better than we have no future together. I have now started to concentrate on MY future and have stopped giving him so much power. He is still here with me but there is a definite change in our relationship now, I feel as if I have taken back the control again. At the end of the day it all became easier to deal with once I had accepted the fact that I could not control him and I did not need him. Once I had accepted those two truths the panic subsided and I started to feel more positive. Whatever the future may bring, I know I will cope and I know I will be happy, it is my right to be and I shall do my best to make sure no-one ever makes me feel so bad again.

Thank you.

I have finally, with your help as well, managed to get things into perspective. You are right, she does seem to have a spell over him, it's a shame however that when he finally awakens from it he will have lost me. And I am in no doubt that should they get together it will not be the happy, fulfilling relationship either of them expects, she left him originally for another man so it bodes well all round really, seems like they deserve each other. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post, it is really very much appreciated.

Hooked

If only he didn't have such power over you, and you didn't need him so much, you would be able to see this more clearly. He is treating you extremely badly. Your lengthy relationship deserves more than to be dragged through the dirt like this. I don' t know if you have any kids but you should ask him to leave. If he is seeing her, and it became permanent, the novelty would soon wear off and he would come begging back to you. By then you might have learnt to live without him, hopefully. Because I think you can do better than this. I think you deserve better than this. And I wish you the very best of luck. The stress this has caused you must be immense. You can live without it, you really can.

Thank you.

I want to say a big thank you to you for your message of support, which I cried when I read, as I know all that you said is true. I am feeling much calmer in myself now and have managed to look at the bigger picture here, I now understand that life will not end if he leaves me, in fact, I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that it would probably be a lot better! It did really help to get your perspective on this as no matter how much friends and family try to tell you something, it always seems to hit home more when someone you don't know tells you the same thing. I do not know what the future may hold for me now, however, what I do know is that I can cope and I will get through it. Thank you once again, you really helped.