I'm confused and hurt

Hi

I've not posted on here before, but I think these discussion boards are great, so I'm hoping that I can call on the wisdom of all you wise sages out there.........

I met someone on line. He's 47 years old. We exchanged emails and phone calls and seemed to share the same values and sense of humour. We both want to settle down again. I'm 44 and been let down so often that I've learnt to be wary of giving too much to soon on all levels, but I was open to sharing nice times with a view to things developing to something more permanent. I'm good company and warm hearted.

After a couple of weeks. The chap came to see me, staying overnight in a hotel as he lives 2 hours away from me. He went to alot of effort and even though he wasn't my usual type, I still found myself very drawn to him. I liked him very much as a person and not just in a physical sense. I felt there was alot to look forward to as I had such a warm feeling about him. He seemed to like me very much the same, and as I'm going through financial hell at the moment, he was emphatic that I wasn't alone in my troubles and he'd help and support me all he could. We had a great time together.He seemed too good to be true...........or was it just manipulation?

He'd met and kept in touch with some of the ladies he'd met on line. They'd even been to visit and stay at his on occasion, but I shouldn't be worried as they were only mates..........or were they??

Two weeks went by before I could see him again as he's a shift worker which meant we had to wait until his time off coincided with my weekend. I travelled down to see him and stayed at his house. He didn't seem as affectionate as the first time, but never the less, he was delighted to see me. I put the lack of hand holding down to shyness. We slept together in the same bed, but I didn't want to rush things, so there was no sex. One of his 'mates' was texting loads and rang him every day I was there. He never took the calls in front of me. I asked him was she aware that I was there this weekend? but he wasn't very convincing when he said that she did. Obviously he'd kept me quiet, but as she lived a few hundred miles away, should I have been bothered about her contact with him? I knew it didn't feel right to me, but was cool about it and didn't stress.

The whole time I've known him he made me feel that he was genuinely drawn to me and thought we could have a future together. He wanted me to move in with him and when I was down at his, he asked me in a joking way when we were going to get married...eeeeK!!!! He was definately fishing but this was so rushed and sudden and above all, bonkers when I'd only met him twice! I let him know that yes the area was lovely (he'd tried so hard to sell it to me), and yes I liked him but could we just take it easy and get to know each other first and see how things developed? He said that he didn't know if he could deal with the distance and found it frustrating. I tried to reassure him that if I could, I would come down to him as many weekends as possible because my domestic situation is not ideal ( I hasten to add, I am single and not cheating on a husband/partner). He seemed happy with this and when it was time to come home, he seemed very down hearted. I was too.

The next evening (Mon) when back at home, I was going out so gave him a quick call and explained I couldn't be on too long as I was being shouted of to get in the car. I asked if he'd call me later and he said yes if I gave him a text. I didn't because I fell asleep when I got home. Guess what....just because I didn't text he never rang me again. I tried to call on Tues evening. He was out. I managed to get him on his mobile on Wednesday evening but he couldn't talk as at work dealing with a situation at work. He did say though that he hadn't fallen out with me and wasn't in a huff.

Realising he was on shift work, I rang him at home in my lunch break. He was fine, again he said he wasn't in a huff, nothing had changed and he felt the same. I bit the bullet and asked him what was going on with Tracey - his mate. I said it wasn't because I was a psycho, stalker ... but I wanted to know how I stood and was he my bloke or was he a Player, and was I plan B to Tracey, and her being plan A? He said emphatically that she was only a mate and nothing was going on, but he was shy in saying he was my fella and although he's not working this weekend he never said anything about wanting to see me. He said he's have to look as his work rosters to see when he would be able to see me next. He said he would ring that night (Thurs). The tone of this conversation was not confrontational. I was quite relaxed, but bobviously concerned.

Well I've had no contact at all with him since. I've tried all that I can to smooth any ruffled feathers and done most of the contacting. He's clearly not wanting to have anything to do with me. What did I do wrong except not pack my bags and move in with a total stranger!!!???

How can he be so sincere and lovely wanting me as his live in partner, then just flip to the opposite direction just because I didn't text him last Monday night. Why does he not like me now?

Why does a man of 47 send me mixed messages about marriage and domestic commitment but not want to call himself my boyfriend?

He's made me feel so inadequate a person, as if I'm just awful and by being with me last weekend, has been an awful turnoff.

Please ladies, can you help me make sense of this?

Thanks for reading this xxxxxxxxxxxxx

How naive

Hi,
I dont wish to sound like a party pooper, but, hey, what were you thinking?
Did your instincts not tell you that something was obviously amiss with this guy?
My disbelief is that you allowed him to pay your car tax for you, after such a short time, and the fact that he mentioned moving in after such a short time would have had me running for the hills!

There are plenty of nice decent fellas out there, I know, I managed to find one, and I wish you lots of luck in the future, because, yep, there is a future, chalk this one down to experience!

Not naive at all ...........

I'mreally not. I have had no intention of moving in with him , but he seemed so keen on me and I liked him very much, that I didn't envisage us parting friendship so abruptly. He really did want to help me and I did consider it a loan, not a hand out. I thought if I just slowed it down a bit, he'd slow down too but together we could move forward and get to know one another at a realistic pace. I'm really disappointed that someone who showed such potential could turn so cold for no valid reason and yes, I still think that maybe he has a screw loose and something about him is amiss

Thanks for the kind wishes though

"i'm confused and hurt"

I don't think you did anything wrong, he himself is probably not sure of what he wants I would say to not contact him as it shows him that the relationship is more important to you then it is to him. I would wait for him to contact you and then go from there.

I'm so sorry to hear that missy, I can totaly understand what's going through your head right now and i can feel every lines of frustration and questions popping up on the top of your head,as far as i'm concern what you did is just right in a way that you really doesn't have to rush off things and regret it after wards,perhaps he was just saying those beautiful words so that he could get what he wants from you, For a fact that you had trouble with him just because you missed out to text him which clearly shows of his high ego,he has lack of sincerety,Most of That aged Man in line of 40's were surely been experienced a lot in his life and will be wary for the next relationship and on his standing i can't seem he's ready yet to be in a stable relationship since he doesn't want you to call him as your boyfriend it's not good to assume either my dear, he's certainly afraid of commitment plus he's been dating with the girls he usually met on chat, do you think you'll be able to handle those complications in case you move out with him ? will it give you a peace of mind knowing that he's still having continuous communication with those what he calls "mates "..Don't be hasty with your decision cuz if he's indeed sincere with his feeling for you he wouldn't act that way..Don't be so foolish < sorry to say that word> to believe from flower words then it'll just cause you pain & tears in the end..Although on the the other hand, its' still your decision, the question is if you can manage and handle the consequences that may arise in the future living with him..at the end you'll always be accountable with your actions..Goodluck sis..

Thanks so much

Both of you ladies have hit the nail square on the head. It was always at the back of my mind that it was too good to be true which made me more wary of rushing into things. It was also in my mind that if he could say so much sweet nothings or flower words to me, then what was he saying to Tracey - by the way she's from Wigan and works in a pub. Steve is from Tumbridge Wells, Kent - so if you're reading Trace, beware ............man speak with forked tongue!!

I couldn't put up with the nagging doubts I was having,but I was concerned that perhaps, maybe, I was jumping to conclusions needlessly and jeopardising a lovely, potential relationship when all was innocent. I really thought that maybe he was genuine as he'd paid for my car tax because I'm so desparately broke. I wouldn't normally have let him do that, but I considered it a loan and would have paid it back in full. I still thought though it was a lovely gesture at the time and hoped I wouldn't be disappointed with him. Afterall, I would have expected this from someone decades younger. Not a professional man of 47 years. I thought he was better than that.

I'm so glad I took it steady. Trouble is though, my confidence is now severely dented. I know I scrub up ok, so it's not looks that I feel insecure about. It's the thought that somehow, I'm sadly lacking as a person: dull, boring company and unloveable - a bit of a beige person. I'll snap out of it though and live to date another day.

I'd have felt even worse had I slept with him. I think he might have some control issues, he thinks I'll be easily suggestable and he can manipulate, and has promptly tossed his teddy out the pram cuz I'm not being charmed out my knickers or towards packing my bags to be with him

Just before I go, could you imagine what might have happened if I'd moved in with him and he took offence at something quite trivial ie not putting the milk bottles out before bed time. I'd have prababley come home from work to find my belongings in black bin sacks outside in the garden and the locks changed to the house!! I think he might have a screw loose!!!

Thanks for your friendship and advice

DD

before you finaly move in ,be straight forward with him and ask if what sort of relationship is going on ..it's hard to assume something especially if you will depends on him financialy cuz once he feels that your depending too much from him then manipulation will be in return aside from that he'll be more confident with you..in a way that he knows you can't live w/o him..so be wary dear..anyway,it's just an opinion , decisions still upon you, love yourself before anything else, otherwise you can go on with the riverflows and be ready for the consequences in the near furture..

It aint going to happen

I won't be moving in with him or even speaking to him. I've blocked him from my email and mentally said goodbye to the dressing gown - it was a nice one. Anyway I'm not the sort to stick my head in the lions mouth so to speak and I would never give a man that power over me. Having had that sort of relationship with my ex husband, it's something I am very guarded against incase it should happen again. Seems when something is too good to be true, it invariabley is. I just feel sad to have lost what I thought was a nice friend. I'm upset to think that he could in his mixed up mind hate me now for doing what any normal woman would do and that is to be sensible and not rush things

We live and learn

I just can't believe this bloke!!!!

I'm still none the wiser what I've done to upset Steve . I had text him last Saturday asking him would he post my dressing gown to me. The text wasn't an excuse to communicate as I'd already got the message that he didn't want me. The text was brief, polite and to the point. He ignored me and no dressing gown has been returned. Tonight I decided to email him again in a brief, polite way asking for the return of my robe. I even offered to pay the postage. He replied immediately saying would I pay him for paying for my car tax. What is wrong with him? My male friend seems to think it's control issues and he's frustrated because I'm not throwing myself at his feet, begging him to take me back! It's such a shame. I really liked him and I can't believe how harsh he's being with me as I've done nothing wrong

Does anyone have any thoughts??

Thanks again

DD