Here goes....
Hey 
I'm new to this but thought i've never actually got the answer which helped or even to fully explain what i have been feeling. maybe you guys can help.... i know its very long but please do take your time to read and share your thoughts.
Right.... the problem is i'm actually starting to believe that my love life is cursed!!!
i'm 22 years old...almost 23 I have had boyfriends.... as well as just had company.... been on plenty of dates etc!
But the thing is nothing ever works out and i don't know why. my longest relationship was for about 2years but that was back when i was 17. the guy was very good to me and we are still friends. However, during the first couple months of our relationship, unfortunately i was raped by someone else. he was very supportive with it all and insisted we stayed together... so i listened even though my heart wasn't completely in it. i was then admitted into hospital for depression. he still supported me and always came to visit. i was in there for 13months. a very long, stressful, agonising, memory of my life. Anyways due to the attack, i was completely put of the idea of sex. i never did sleep with him. as time went on i realised i just was not ready to be in a relationship and i just could not love him the way he did for me.
as time went by i recovered and was back at home. i tried to get my life back to normal. i questioned my sexuality so my next relationship was with a girl. that lasted about 9 months. but it was 9 months of torture. in the beginning it was great. i felt great. the idea of sex did not sicken me anymore.... probably because i wasnt with a man! however as time went on she treated me badly. she made me feel small in everyway possible. i wont go into details but she made very harsh comments which only she agreed with, so i finally got the courage to end it. some of the things she said have permanantly scarred me up until today.
After that horrible experience, i thought maybe it's better if i stick to guys so when i was ready i continued dating. i meet guys all the time. (sorry to sound big headed)  so meeting was never a problem. i see a pattern in all the relationships ive had and that is that they start in a way where its almost perfect but then the ending is always horrible and overly painful.
anyways back to dating men..... i'll just narrow it down to the main stories. guy number 1.... everything started off great. we have a connection. he told me hes never met anyone like me. etc etc. we were happy.... couple months down the line.... he becomes possesive. does not want me to have my own life.... insists on arguing then the last words were along the lines of racism. he verbally abused me for my ethnic background and religious beliefs. obviously then the relationship was over!!!
now the next guy.... the love of my life....... he was actually perfect! i was at college... i was 20..... he was 27 and he was a teacher!  i know what youre all thinking!!! it did not jus happen over night but it was a gradual process. we spent every moment together. i knew he felt something. you knw when you just know!! with it being 'our secret' it just made it that bit more exciting. he was so considerate and thoughtful. i opened up to him about my past and i got the response of him which i had been waiting for for years! words just cant describe it. its like all the pain was taken away by this one person.
we just got closer and closer and even made plans for the future. i wanted to go to university and he agreed to come with me. he even looked for jobs and flats. we chose the location and uni that i am at right now together. he even told his family about me... and they knew i was his student. so obviously i thought he was serious. as time went on he started to drift. i noticed the changes and it was so painful to experience. i questioned him about it continuously....Then he told me he had cancer. He told me he was depressed. i had my suspicions that maybe he was cheating but he swore on his son's life he wasnt. he told me to be patient. i only had a few months left at college, then i would no longer be his student and things would have been less complicated. i was in love so i believed his every word. little did i knw ... it was all lies. i found out he was cheating..... there was no cancer..... and he used the excuse of depression because he knew it was a soft spot for me because of my history. the pain was indescribable. i was heartbroken. College was then over.... and i was away from him. the pain just grew and grew and he still denied everything even though i had proof. i had to do something. i was not prepared to let another man ruin my life. So meetings with the principles were arranged and i told them everything. He was sacked due to the fact that he knew of my history and took advantage of my vulnerability. i put a lot of trust in him. i opened up to him. he was everything to me. i never heard from him after that. not even an apology until about a year later i accidently got in touch!
i never fully got over him but it was time to move on. i started university.... without him. i thought new life, new start! began dating... but no one appealed to me. then i got close to someone at uni. it was short. he ended it after 2months. his reason..... he doesnt care about me and never has. he just used me. after that i had to face him every day at uni and he would just look and say nothing. i felt disgusting. i was hurt because i didnt realise i meant nothing. i am the type of person who would do a lot for everyone. i try to always be 'good' im honest. im caring... maybe a bt too much! my strength is my weakness!
i picked myself up again and moved on. i began chatting to another guy online. we got on great. the way he made me feel was similar to how the teacher made me feel. i couldnt believe that i was getting this chance again. after speaking for months online and on the fone we met up. we spent so much time together. my friends thought he was great. Then out of no where.... literally over night.... he changed. it was like he would pick an argument on everything. i tried to be patient. then it came to a point where i just could not understand it anymore. we would argue but in the end he'll always come back sayin lets work it out. but then the next day we'll be back to square one! he told me he loved me but then a week later it was over! time went on and i never forgot him for some reason. i felt a kind of emptiness without him. all i could remember were the good times we shared and how unbelievably well we connected. i am a believer of the only way to get over someone is to move on.... so i did! (surprise surprise lol)
the new guy... treated me well.... loved me.... did a lot for me....even wanted to marry me until.... i told him about my family. ive been brought up by my mother and her partner. but they both hold different religious beliefs. my mother is sikh... and her partner is muslim. the guy i was seeing was also sikh. he completely changed after me telling him this and he started to disrespect me and my family because of it. He then broke up with me but asked if we could be friends. i did not want to be friends with someone who was so narrow minded. co-incidently... the day he broke up with me.... the guy i was previously seeing (the one i met online) got in contact. we spoke and it was like nothing had ever gone wrong. it was just like old times when everything was great. we spoke all night on the phone and met up the next day. it was all so quick! he came to see me and we had a catch up on the time lost. i was so confused. i was hurt about the break up from the day before but at the same time could not believe what was happening. anyways i was quite happy that i got to see him again. he downloaded a bunch of songs on my computer when he was over.they were are the romantic sort. So i thought he still had some feelings there. he told me how much he missed me and leant over and kissed me. it was surreal!! after a few moments i stopped thinkin omg ive just broken up with some and now im here with another guy but then part of me melted with that kiss. we talked some more and i told how i never forgot him. suddenly he left.... on his way home he texted me sayin what a great person i am and how i deserve the best. after that i never heard from him again. i tried to get in touch but he told me to leave him alone.
2 heartbreaks in the space of 2 days!? is that even possible??????? this was back in october 2008. since then ive not been the same. i havnt slept. my faith in men has completely gone. i dnt belive anything is forever. i cannot see myself falling in love or anyone falling in love with me. i have this emptiness inside of me once again. i just don't know what to do. one thing i will say is that my apart from my very first boyfriend (lasted almost 2years) none of the other relationships mentioned have lasted very long. theyre all within less than a year. i have not had full on sex with any of the guys mentioned although we did have a psysical relationship. i sometimes think maybe this is why they dissapear. is it really all about sex?
almost done now.... one last thing...... every single one of the people i have mentioned has come back! ive had apologises... ive had the whole.... ' i was wrong u were right' thing. they all said how i am a good person and how i deserve better. every single one! another pattern. i need help understanding all this!
Thank you for reading..... and please share your thoughts! xxx
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heeelllpp. 
need some to talk to please