 how could he do those things, i thought he had changed
i need you guys to tell me where i go from here because hes destroying me
im 18 (but seem about 25) and ive been with ryan for 2 and half years..nothing has ever been smooth but we have got this love that you just couldnt describe its something thats amazing and you could never see yourself without...he knows me inside out., hes loves me i can see that..from our first date it was fate.even though from the start, everyone told me that i was way too good looking for him- but because im not shallow- i wanted him and i just loved his comforts.i spend most of my time with him and when we are good, he makes me so happy, makes me laugh, treats me, spoils me, spends all his time with me, even got a loan for me to have a boob job (which was only a week ago). At first i had million friends, larger than life character and felt sexy, the girl who girls wanted to be i guess...we have always argued, but then always cuddled and he has kissed the pain away...well thats what he thinks, but im hurting so most..this is a few things hes done
he kissed other girl about a yr and half ago, but i didnt find out until few months after he did it, inbetween we had a break for two months, and then we got back together (simply because we missed eachother so much it was hurtful) i found out by his facebook. i remember that night, he told me he went to work but obv went out...i decided to forgive but it took a long time to forget, he worked hard at proving himself and hes truely sorry...which i believe, it knocked me in a way i never thought was possible, and over time i started to have a need to be with all the time, ive lost contact of all my friends and i was heartbroken i guess....
i started to feel unattractive and not even half the girl i used to be.so bad I ended up on anti depressants for two months...im so insecure and have confidence until it comes to my relationship
there hasnt been a week gone by where he hasnt let us down, he promising im the only girl he looks at and says why would be look anywhere else, but i found out many things like, he texts his mate saying 'i want to shag her' about some girl (he said his mate had his fone), one night he even told me he would see me but then turned his phone off and went out with his mates, i found out by ringing his house phone, and asking where he was. i couldnt believe he had done it, so i text him saying how upset i was and couldnt forgive him and didnt want to see him.the next day i lied and told him my brother seen him kissing another girl (but my bro didnt, i just knew something wasnt right) and he didnt deny it, and explained yeah he was with her but i had broken up with him an hr before?again as an idiot i forgave
lied about taking drugs, going out, he lied and let me down even when i was on anti depressants....that i cant quite get my head round. but hes my life, all i have. because its true he would do anythign for me....
one time a number text him and we were laid on my bed so i saw, so he rang the number and it was someone from blackpool called abbie? and it just happened he had been to blackpool for his birthday last july, a day before we went on holiday.......that hurt, that hurt alot.but of course he said he didnt know who it was and he didnt have the number saved, a few times a ramdon number text his phone and he wouldnt read it when i was there
this weekend, we went to amsterdam, even though i told him, if u go, i dont know whether i can forgive you, because itll hurt so much...he promised he wouldnt be doing anything and that he would call all the time...of course, all saturday day and night, he didnt....before he went he rang about 3 times and left a nice voicemail saying how much i meant to him
he came back this morning, i already slept at his because i went to a family do lastnight- im so involved me his life and my best friend is now his cousin, when he came in- he had that look, i cant describe it -that he has been unfaithful, in which way i dont know, he stunk of drink and his chin was so stitched up, he said he fell over....but i followed my gut instinct and i left...i told him him how much he had hurt me by not keeping a promise and asked why he didnt even call...i then told him i needed time away from...i just couldnt even look at him
writing this is breaking me in half
hes lied so many times but always finds a way to make me believe him and find a few around it, hes got two personalities, one is this amazing guy who is besotted and so settled with me, honest if we walked in a room, u wud think he thinks the world of her
this other guy- the guy i see when hes not with me? if that makes sense, when hes drunk with his mates and the guy i hear about...hes done a thousand and one things to me, lies cheated and made me feel like its me thats doing this
i want to be with him, and like i said i cant see myself without his love, i know he loves me but this time, how can i forgive him....where do i go now?? ive lost everything from being with him, my self belief, my friends, my confidence and most of all my self morals...hes said loads of times hes going to change and that hes changed....so why would he continue to let me down???im scared of being without him, like i said i have nothing to leave him for and what scares me is how wud i spend my time if i left him? how wud i cope...because when is his ever gunna open this eyes and see what hes got and the love i give him is priceless...my gut tells me he keeps alot from me, and i just dont quite mean as much as he says i mean to him
this is hurting me so much, not thinking about the relationship-becoz he makes me happy, actually looking back at tings hes done...hes the perfect boyfriend when it comes to surprises, the way he constantly is all over me, tells me im his future and he willl never love anyone else...i feel he needs to grow up and have a reality check, but only he can see that
i need you to tell me where do i go from here because this has gone on too long and i think even if he read this, he would still find away to hurt me....i have no one else to turn to i guess
how do i no ill regret it if i do walk
jasmin xxxx
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heeelllpp. 
need some to talk to please