What the hell do i do?? tricky one please help!!!!!!! a challenge for you all.....

hello everyone,


wanted to ask your advice, i'm 26, been with my fella for 9 years. we're good together but 6 years ago, he got really close with my best friend, i encouraged it as i wanted to spend time with the both of them. however, this went back on my face when they would continue to meet up when she was down from uni but i wasn't up for going out. long story short, i got really hurt when they got too familiar and tactile, that at a party people wondered who was his girlfriend. anyway, i said that i felt uncomfortable with the situation and we lost touch with her. fine???

well, 3 years ago, after going to a pub quiz every week, he met some new male friends. they hit it off. they also have some female friends, right loud mouth sluts. after meeting the group, 3 months later, around x mas time, i went to the student bar when he wasn't expecting me and saw him swaying to 'my girl' with one of the girls. he knew i was choked and said he wouldn't do it again even though apparently he wasn't being flirty and would be swaying with any of his mates that was there at the time. i have been so patient but he knows that i am really insecure about the girls of the group. they're all early 20s and students.

i have made it absolutely clear that i don't want him getting familiar and touch/ dancing with the girls which apparently he doesn't. i tend never to go out with them all as i really don't like them. so i go out with my own friends.

bare with me........ not long now............

at the beginning of it, he'd meet with them 2 times a week. sometimes he'd be playing poker at the student hall til 2 in the morn. otherwise he's drinking with them and playing karaoke. meeting up with all of them in the day, going to lunchand taking the girls in his flash car(this happened once then i went biserk!) hasn't happened again, hopefully"!!!! playing sqush with them, slapper, hate her

i also got a bit jealous of his free time whilst i was working, even though our accounts aren't joint(so i don't really have a right!!!) he said; "look i earn double what you do in an hour, as long as i pay my part of the mortgae there's not a problem" well, after the credit crunch his job went down the pan, he's now doing a pgce up to shoiulders in debt and mummy is goiing to pay for a couple of month mortgage til he gets his bursary!! i'm crap with money but that's cheeky.


last bit...........................


years on, now 27, after both graduating, buying a home together, he still continues to meet with the same group weekly. he is out until the very end, until after 1 on most occasions. of course drunk most times.

This year, again , i turned up unannounced to see him sitting with all his friends but between 2 girls with his arms around their necks swaying to the music. and again, i turned up and he's talking to this really pretty girl, part of the group. she's been [part of the group for a year now. he plays the whole friendship and familiarity down with this girl, but, the other day one of his friends was chatting her up the whole night only to find that she wasn't interested at all. i heard that he then said; "yeah, she's a big flirt but she's not really interested." what does that mean, how does he know????

of course i want my partner to have friends, that would be ridiculous to want otherwise but i thought, hoped he would grow out of the student life. he is not friends with them on facebook but i actually think that is fishy.

it's clear that i don't want anything to do with the group and, again, i think it's odd, that if they were genuine friends of his, they wouldn't be concerned or want to approach me. he said he has none of his other closer mates are about as they've moved away. that's why he meets with them all the time


don't give up, crucial bit!!!!!


please tell me honestly and truthfully. my family and friends are too biasd. many thanks in advance for helping me, this will be priceless

i know i sound really moany but i really need to make decisions now, we've been together for nearly 9years, engaged for ages but i really don't know if he's right for me. too many question marks. I seem to be wasting my 20s and still insecure, I want to be happy but have a real doubt. He always wants to be with me but it is a guarantee that he'll be out a set night once a week with them

he's wonderful one to one. treats me, takes me away, very romantic, adores my personality and sexually but

Not really interested in m y family who I care deeply for. Lots of conditions. Will only come over to my mums' house if particularly invited for special occasion. I know there are a lot of issues but please see how you can guide me. I feel like i've exhausted it in my head, don't really know what to think.

I play along about he idea of getting married but for as long as he's meeting up with them I don't feel right.

Thanks a lot

You deserve to find yourself a real man...

I think you already know you need to ditch him but are reluctant to because you want to think the best of him and you know it will be hard to leave.
I was in a very similar situation with a gut almost exactly like you are describing. Dumping him was the best thing I EVER did. I was miserable for a while but now I am so much happier. I will NEVER take any sort of rubbish from a guy again and I feel so strong and capable as a result. The guy I was going out with is now mid thirties and still going out partying all the time with younger people and loads of pretty women and refuses to commit to his girlfriend now who want them to get married but he keeps putting her off. He is the same person now as he was then (i.e. they don't ever change!)
I have now met a wonderful guy and we have a beautiful baby girl together and are planning our wedding. He is fun, kind, loving and thoughtful and I wonder how I ever settled for anything less! He is also highly respectful of my feelings and would never do ANYTHING that he knew made me feel uncomfortable (like going out with a bunch of student girls!) You should be able to speak your mind to your man and expect him to understand and respect your feelings. If you worry that doing this might make him walk then your relationship isn't very srong.
Long story short, you deserve to find someone much, much better. And don't settle for anyone until you find someone worthy of you, who adores you and who every day feels lucky to have you.

Im sorry to say..

Dear Poptart.

I used to be very chummy with a guy like that who also had a gf. He told me they were not really dating anymore but she wouldnt give him up, She never went out with him and he called me and emaileed me, even kissed me infront of his friends, so i believed they werent really together.one thing lead to another and we started sleeping with eachother. I really believed that they werent really together anymore until i saw on facebook that they were still in a full on relationship. I was devastated, because i would have never wanted to do that to another girl, and i was especially devastated to find out that the house that he was taking me back to was THEIRS!. Its been a year now and I still feel bad, however ive never told her because i dont know her, they just bought a house together and i feel like shes in denial. how could she not know? I just feel like the guy in your story sounds a lot like him. (both good and bad)
I dont think your should be with him. as much as he loves you, and knows that your the right girl to settle down with, He's still looking, and sounds like he gets very close to temptation.
If you are gonna keep dating him. START GOING OUT WITH THEM! .. ALL THE TIME..
who cares that you dont like them? u'll be with your man and you'll get to see the truth for yourself. If he has a problem with you coming out, you know something is up.
good luck.

The terrible truth; don't kill the messenger.

GET OUT NOW.


Be brutally honest with yourself; how happy are you? Because to me, it sounds like you are settling and to be quite frank, you are with the WRONG BOY. Boy being the key word, when is he going to grow up? He is almost 30, he isn't 18 any more, late nights at the pub with the "lads", only he isn't just with the lads is he? He is behaving like a free agent, and unconsciously you are giving him permission to do so by going along with it to keep the peace. But honey - it is time to stop taking the high road, he has NO concern about your feelings and he only staying with you out of convenience. I don't mean to sound so heartless because I fully understand that you have spent 9 years building a life with this guy, but he has little to no respect for you, let alone love. I know this because I am in the same boat, and after 4 years my "man" called it quits which is ironic because his behaviour is identical to your blokes and I am glad to say that I have realised this before getting in too deep eg. legally.
He is basking in the glory of lapping up attention from these sluts and then coming home to you when it suits HIM, not you. The only one behaving like they are a couple is YOU, and YOU are the one who is suffering because of it. If he loved you, he would be honest about where and who he is with, not have you walk in on him grinding up to some unknown to a "shag" song. Sad, but very true.
In terms of settling down, he has proven how little he respects you by the little effort he has made to be involved with your family - I am very involved in my now ex's family, I'm practically best friends with his grandmother and mother because I know how much they mean to him, he isn't so forth coming on his half, he will only visit my family with me on major holidays or Birthdays and even then he tries to make excuses why he can't come along.
Don't you dare play along with this getting married business, naturally like every woman you want to get married, but you are doing it with the wrong guy. Ask yourself this; how can you find Mr.Right when you are so very clearly with MR.WRONG?
He sounds like he enjoys playing the field behind your back, and then coming home to you, It pains me to say it, but you are EXACTLY like me - you give and give and get nothing back. We are mugs alike, and lets be honest we both know that this isn't what love is about. Love is a two-way street, and if both parties don't commit then it's like a sinking ship, it WILL go down.
Also, it sounds like he doesn't know what boundaries are; he is spending more time with these sluts than with his apparent "love of his life". Get out and do it now, while you are young and still have plenty of time to find the right guy for you.
I know how hard it will be to make the break but make it, and make it soon before he destroys your soul and belief in the opposite sex. I'm going through it right now, and it is very difficult but I know it will be worth it in the long run.
Put it this way, don't take my advice, marry the schmuck and have some offspring to him, but you will always be looking over your should, wondering, if he is where says he is and if he is with who he says he's with. Do you really want to marry someone that makes you feel like second best? You deserve more, you deserve REAL LOVE.

Best of luck and I'm sending warm wishes your way.

Kind thoughts,


S-J x x x

Short and sweet

your not happy and you know that deep down. take the plunge. easier said than done I know but while theres no marriage/babies. sounds like you could do a lot better xx