|
|
 |
| Thread started by: |
Should i be ashamed for having sex?
I'm feeling a bit down at the moment because of an uncomfortable conversation with my mother last night, and I hope that if someone wouldn't mind to help me out on this or at least lift my mood a little?
Basically my mother has always disapproved of me behaving "feminine" since I hit puberty. If I go out I have to at least some modesty, either cover up my bust, wear something baggy and ill fitted or wear jeans/long skirt instead of a short one, and if I do wear a skirt I nearly always have to wear tights. If I don't dress how she likes, she'll jab at me and say it's "tarty", makes me look "like an easy target" or make some unfunny joke about how it's "for a particular guy". She's always to first to notice if I put on weight and she'll go on about it until I feel awful (which is exactly what she did a few days ago which has partially driven me to diet again), and then refuses to admit she had any influence.
She knows I've had sex because she found out from lurking around in my room and always makes conversations awkward for me regarding it. You know the lovely televised image of a teenage girl with her mother giggling about sex and how it went when the girl lost her virginity? That's near the exact opposite of how my mother reacts. She gave me a stony treatment afterwards, commenting how she "thought I lost it a lot earlier anyway" and asks me really uncomfortable questions like if I need to go on the morning-after pill literally EVERY time I come back from my boyfriend's house. Her treatment has made me feel ashamed of myself for making love with my boyfriend who I adore, and it hurts that she speaks to me as if I'm a promiscuous hussy when I've only been with two men and both were from long-term relationships.
We had another one of our "lovely" chats last night and she admitted to me she would have preferred if I never had sex in the first place, even though she knows my boyfriend and I are in love and would want to stay together forever (cliché I know, but it's true). So now I feel awful for it because I feel like I've let her down or something. I'm 18 so it's not as if I'm underaged, so why can't she be more accepting of my sexuality?
I'm so sorry for the really long-winded message.
Ly x
|
|
| Messages: |
Thanks
Thank you for sharing!!!!!!
www.vastuggs.com 
|
| |
It's time to grow a pair.
I honestly do not mean to sound so harsh, but lady, you need to grow a pair and pronto! How dare your mother quiz you on your sex life?! That is private - PRIVATE. Confidential.
From now on, point blank refuse to discuss your sex life as it is just that - YOUR sex life, not hers. What you get up to has nothing to do with her. Your mother has some very deep rooted issues regarding sex and she is leaking them out on you. She also sounds as though she is jealous of you, perhaps your freedom etc and she is resentful. If you want to dress like a typical 18 year old - feel free. You are an adult - it is a YOUR body and you can do what you want with it. If you are dressed like a stripper and sleeping around then that has nothing to do with her - she is your mother - not your emperor, stop giving her this power over you - she is a control freak. End of.
Your mother is emotionally and mentally abusing you in every sense of the word, she has the power to do this, because YOU gave HER that power. You have the ability to TAKE IT BACK. REMOVE the power that she has wrongly taken from you. You are your own person. You are a fully grown woman - so start acting like one and grow a pair. Get a back bone and stand up to your mother before she runs you down completely. x x
|
| |
Similar situation
I've recently lost my virginity and my mum reacted similarly. From a younger age she would tell me constantly about how my friends who were losing theirs were "slutty".. My mums opinion used to get to me and probably was the reason I waited later than my friends to have sex. At the end of the day it's not like you're unable of deciding when it's the right time for you and it's not like she can shame you into becoming a virgin again. Mum's just tend to think we haven't grown up yet. When the conversation came about between me and my mum I simply laid out the boundaries for her: I'm happy that I've lost it to a great guy and I don't regret it, I practice safe sex (go into specifics if you have to) and that I'm qualified, as an adult, to make an intelligent and mature decision on my own.
My mum was a bit edgy with me when she first started to suspect I had lost my virginity, thus the reason for the conversation with her. It's not like your mum is a nun. Just pull on the heart strings a bit and tell her that she's making you feel disrespected... or put her down a bit and tell her that she's being a bit patronising and taking on a really immature and frankly ignorant (to your feelings) view.
It's nice to hear I'm not the only one though I must admit. Don't rely on your mum so much to give you approval. I stopped that years ago. If she's going to continually put a tainted view on sex then tell her you don't want to talk about it with her anymore. You have friends for talking about relationships with anyway.
Try and accept that things were a bit different when she was younger and that she might not want to think about her little girl now all grown up and in bed with big grown up guys. As long as you have respect for yourself and you know in your heart that you're not promiscuous then you have nothing to worry about. Don't let her opinions of you start overwriting your self esteem.
Good luck x
|
| |
Reply
First of all, you shouldn't be ashamed for having sex. You seem like a really nice person and you're adored by your boyfriend. You should be happy for that alone; he's the one you should be thinking of. And ya should be proud of yourself for wanting to be with him for your life }
To me, it sounds like your mom's a little jealous. Perhaps she wasn't as loved as you at her age and now she's taking it out on you? She sounds like she's just self-absorbed if anything and trying to bully you down to feeling shameful about who you love.
Just ignore her, and when she attempts to start an argument or put you down, just put on a smile and think of why you and your boyfriend are having sex; you love one-another. That's more than enough of an excuse.
Sorry for the short reply
hope it's helped x
|
| |
Hey hun
first of all i just want to say how saddened i was to read how your mum is behaving towards you, its really unfair.
For your mum to comment on your weight so frequently is totally un-necessary and insensitive, so now she has drove you to diet. All women go up and down in weight, i have lost few pounds last few weeks but i will no doubt put it back on at some point.My mum may make comments but its never uncalled for or nasty that it makes me turn to dieting, you are probably of a very healthy weight and if you are happy with yourself try not to let her negative comments affect you, i know its hard. It sounds to me like she has some issues in her own mind and she is taking them out on you, and i am sorry to say this but to be honest it sounds a lot like jealously. You are happy, have a healthy relationship with ur bf and so what if you weight goes up and down, as long as ur happy.
I know she is ur mum but you are 18 years old an adult who can make her own mind up, so for her to say she would have preferred you not to have sex, i mean what the hell. You can do as you please. If it was me i would be assertive and stand up to her, tell her you love her but its your life and you are happy and you would appreciate it if she would stop the comments. I mean you may not feel comftable doing that but its just an idea. Just tell her to back off but in a nice way,. Sit her down and explain. The way she talks to you is like you are still a small child, remind her you are now a young woman learning about life, life is like a rollarcoaster at times but if you dont do it alone and with your own mind you never learn, and your mum is not letting you do this. Your mum will love you and want whats best but she needs to let go, and be there for you if you need advice, and also as a friend.
I am 27, and me and my mum never had the sex chat etc, but we get on great now, maybe in time when she realises you are your own person she will be more accommodating. Also in the subject of your clothing, sorry but again you are an adult and if you wish to wear a mini skirt or a nice top that is YOUR CHOICE.
And why should you not be feminine, there is not enough women who are like that, its lovely been a woman and dressing nice and having nice make up and hair, you are 18 and want to enjoy these things, i have always been like that i am probably worse now lol,
There is nothing wrong with you hun, you go and be feminine wear what you like and enjoy growing up.
Message me if you would like any advice on anything, i have been through a lot ie relatonships, family stuff etc so i have a wise and good head on my shoulders and know whats right in life. So if you need any advice on anything just pm me
thanks, hope i have helped a bit
sarah xx
|
| | |
| |
Nope
You mentioned it cos you're concerned. Hell, we all share our issues, it's something that brings people that bit closer, I guess.
Don't worry about it, you're not being anything bad by seeking advice = }
|
| |
No i dont
hey miss, good morning.
No i do not think you are been horrible, you are just seeking advice as you feel down cos of how your mum is behaving towards you, i really think you should do what i said re sit her down and tell her you are happy and do not appreiate her negative comments.
Dont dfeel bad for wanting advice of people, i do it all the time. Its nice getting other peoples views etc who you dont know, a outside opinion i think is always the best.
Remember to message me if you need any help
right i better get ready for work, hangover is not good hehe
xx
|
|
|
| | |
I'm sorry for offloading stuff like this, and I hope I'm not being horrible about my mum because I do love her to bits but I wish she'd be more approving of what I do. Do you think I'm being a ... for mentioning this? 
