Advice needed
Ok, so this a bit warts and all and I need some non-judgemental advice.
I suffer from depression, undiagnosed due to fear for my career, and this has led me to behaving terribly.
I got involved with a website and started flirting with a man online, we arranged to meet and I went to see him. I went to talk to him about fitness as he is a personal trainer. He made me lunch and we talked about personal training. He then sat down next to me and asked me when I was going to take my clothes off. He said that after all the flirting he thought that that was what I was there for. He spent about 20 minutes telling me he thought I should and persuading me, but told me I had to make the first move. We went to the bedroom and had sex. I then got dressed, texted my husband to tell him I would be late and came home. There was no relationship, no big confiding session, just one act of sex.
My husband and I had discussed tha things weren't working and that we should consider separation and his responses during that had left me really wounded. I was looking for comfort. Our sex-life had become non-existant and the fact that someone fancied me and wanted me was too much to resist.
A few weeks later I got incredibly drunk and had another one night stand with another man, again this was just sex and I have never seen nor intend to see this man again.
A few days later my husband left me note telling me he knew about the first man and that I should leave, I refused and demanded we discuss it. I volunteered the information and we continued to live together.
I am a student and have a lot of spare time, as I get so depressed I find it very hard to go out and do things so spend a lot of my copious free time online.
I love my husband and want to make our marriage work, but I am seeing a further man for sex as a distraction. I have nothing to fill my days with apart from talking to this man online and without it all I do is cry. My husband announced today that he had read messages on my phone from this man and knew we had planned to meet and that I obviously got my "kicks" from this relationship.
What I can't get him to understand is that I love him to death, that the sexual relationships have been totally reactionary. I never meant to hurt him, and the reason I kept them from him was not to betray him but to protect him. If he would take me back I would instantly cut all ties to these people as they would be unnecessary, but without this other man I would have nothing to think about and I fear I might do something stupid.
I miss him so much, I would do anything to take back what i have done, I know I need to seek professional health, I am sure there is a link between my behaviour and past sexual abuse.
He has spoken to me more honestly and openly in the last couple of weeks than he has done in years (we have been together 7), told me how different aspects of my behaviour has upset him and I have tried to explain how much of this is due to my fear, paranoia and crippling insecurity.
He told me that he wouldn't marry me today, he can't think of me sexually, he wants revenge and that he is jealous of what I have done. I can understand all of that and want to help him through those emotions, he also told me he likes living on his own and pleasing himself and that he now gets to see more of his friends and he told me how incredibly important they are to him.
What the hell do I do? Don't tell me to move on or that he is better without me, I don't want to, I love him and want our future back.
I am 23 and he is 26. Any views welcomed.
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