Ok, so I'm not trying to start a debate about porn, at least I don't think I am, but I really need help to put my problem with this into perspective. Basically, I have a problem with my boyfriend looking at it (internet stuff/DVD's etc..) for several reasons,

1. him looking at a load of beautiful girls with huge ... does nothing for my confidence. Surely it should be me he fancies and gets turned on by? Him needing to look at porn just makes me feel inadequate and unsexy. He says I am beautiful and sexy, but I struggle with v. low confidence and all this is doing is making me feel much worse.

2. he's with me - I feel as betrayed and jealous as I would if he went behind my back for real. Why does he think its ok to look at other women and get sexual satisfaction from it when he should be getting all that from me? Would he feel ok if I went and ogled and touched myself while looking at a load of big muscly blokes with giant nobs? Or would he feel slightly inadequate?

3. Morally, the stuff he's looking at is very degrading and makes me feel disgusted. I have real problems with anything like this, and it doesnt help that some of the stuff he's looking at features drunk girls and teenagers, and some people who are clearly not enjoying what they are doing. I would probably consider watching it with him if it wasn't for this very reason (and for reason number one, of course!).

4. The stuff they are doing is a bit extreme, and a lot of it is stuff I never even knew was possible! It's like I don't even know him if this is the stuff that turns him on, and I really don't fancy the thought of him ever asking me to do some of these things.

I really love my boyfriend very much, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good looking man. The difference between us though, is that I wouldn't do that out of respect for him because I love him and would never want to make him feel inadequate (the way he quite happily makes me feel).

I tried to bring this up with him once recently, unsuccessfully, because he didn't see the problem and said that all men do it. He said that it is separate to me, but I don't think it is possible to separate a full sex life from the girl he supposedly loves and this thing on the side. If he was single, fair enough, look at porn; but he isn't, he's with me, and I feel cheated by it. He isn't taking me seriously, or the way it makes me feel. Am I being ridiculous and unreasonable here? I know the way I feel about myself can sometimes make me more paranoid than I should be and get things out of perspective, so I need some objective opinons (men and women would be good) if you don't mind...

Thanx, Gemma.

you should watch porno videos to make him feel jealous, just take a video turn it on and pretend that you like watching these guys in the video and even don't look at him .You will see his reaction than meybe he will finally understand you.You can also buy a magazine with well-built men,and "read" it when he is nearby.

But if it is, I've got a few ideas.

First of all, the defence of 'all men do it' is just the sort of thing an incompetent barrister would say just before losing his licence.

I'm 100% on your side about not wanting him to get turned on by looking at porno pictures of girls. But I'm not sure that's all there is to porno. Let's compare it to 'erotica': at university and in the years before my children were born I used to write fiction. At the moment I'm giving it another try, this time around in the genre of erotica. I'm writing about myself, but just like in my old 'clean' short stories, I'm also writing about other people. To be honest, it's exciting -- I'm imagining other people having sex and getting turned on.

I've also just started rereading what little erotica I've got on the shelf. It's from university, where I studied English and French literature: Henry Miller and the Marquis de Sade, and it's wonderful to read. At university it was all in the context of 'great literature', but even then it got me going. I never admitted that to anyone then -- but now I am, and quite happily, and largely because I've had the eye-opening experience of reading and writing explicitly about sex here on soFem. And I feel sexually more healthy than ever.

There's a chance, I think, that you also enjoy reading erotica.

All right, so hard-core porno flicks and erotic literature might not be the same thing. But maybe there's some middle ground. How about reading him some hot, healthy erotica? Making that a part of your lovemaking? Maybe it would be a step toward finding what you both like.

People get aroused, I think, by all sorts of things during the course of their days and nights, many of which have nothing to do with their partner. But the healthy approach, I should say, is in sharing the excitement, all the while letting one's partner know that he or she is the 'real' one.

I'm also in complete sympathy with you on the moral question. Not that I've seen much porno, but what I have seen is entirely degrading to all women. But to my great surprise, I came across something on another site called 'feminist pornography'. Now, I'm no feminist, but my understanding is that it's films and books that women could find exciting, without the exploitation of most porno does.

Why don't you look around for some of that? Maybe your boyfriend will find it to his liking, and you can watch it together. I don't think men absolutely have to see women being degraded to get turned on -- if that's true, we should all be better off confirming ourselves as lesbians straight off.

Mind you, I've not tried any of this myself. But I believe I shall -- especially in a month or two, when my marriage comes to an end and I can really spend time with the man I love!

xxx Sweet D

This thread didn't float to the top -- I'm trying again. SD

hi I totally agree with you. I cant see any reason at all why your fella would want to watch porn if he is getting regular sex of you. I think porn was designed for ugly blokes who cant ever get a girl friend, and theres no way i would ever stand my boyfriend watching it, his ass would get finished on the spot if a ever found he watched it!!!!

So first of all, don't take this the wrong way, I am just sharing my situtation (as me, as a guy).
So I looked at porn all the time, most guys do I think.
Then I met my lady, every urge to look at it completely left. I had no desire to look at other women doing things.
She didn't belive me, and I told her that I would still be aroused by the pictures and videos but it isn't the same as being aroused by the woman you share your life with. The woman who smiles at me and drives me crazy, the woman who I can share all my thoughts and feelings with. All the feelings that come along with having a companion along with the physical attraction and affection is just so much more than anything on the net, movie or club. Just the sparkle in her eye says 'hey good lookn'
I am not saying that most guys would ever respond the same way as I did. But throughout my first marriage of 4 years, I looked at porn all the time. After the divorce and meeting the right one for me, I realized that I just wasn't happy (or sexually satisfied) in the marriage.
But Like I said, this is probably specific to me only.

So my advice would be, if you get turned on by watching porn with him, tell him, but also clarify what you don't mind watching. You don't want to see stuff that grosses you out.
Also, if you do bring it up again, try phrasing it as 'as a favor to me...' or something like that. I dont think he will like it if you address it as a problem with him.. 'he shouldn't do it...' or 'the stuff is immoral' (implying that he is immoral)...
You can tell him that you struggle with self esteme issues and what he watches makes you feel very low, and him telling you you are pretty doesn't help. You can talk about how you want to be the one to turn him on and get him off. And you want to be the one he goes to when he wants physical attention.
I understand that this all plays to the guy, and his sexual desires. But If he was so unresponsive to the first time you tried to talk to him about it, it might help to go down the "it is me, not you" type of road...just a thought.
Best of luck!
-D

I really appreciate the male perspective. I think the problem with the way I brought it up last time was that I was angry and didn't express myself properly. Maybe he thinks something is lacking between us sexually - but if he's wanting to come in my face or shag me up the arse like in the stuff he is looking at then there's nothing I can do about it. I may try to bring it up again. I feel that leaving copies of Maxim and porn DVD's all over his room is disrespectful. I'm pleased all men don't do this when they are in a fulfilling relationship with a woman they love.

Hi, I know how you feel.
One day I came home early from work and went into his shack and into his PC while he was at work!) Yeah, Yeah I know I was snooping!
I came across a 'file' and was physically sickened at what I saw. I deleted it, he would never know cus he has the key for the Shack!
Then I started visiting porn sites on my PC and collecting pics of Big D@cks etc and as he uses my PC cus it's easier for him to get to - he saw what I was collecting.
Now over the last few years our sex life has been really ... due to erection problems and he would rather listen to other peoples advice than to go to a Doc's and suddenly he tells me that he's off to a Mens Health clinic - getting it sorted out !
Big surprise - I don't think he's perved since and our sex life is getting frantic.
Let me catch him again, I sed to him that in the country I live in at present, it's construed as Adulterous and I can take advantage of this and I have told him so.
Hopefully we're back on track, I still have other issoo's with him that needs to be sorted out. Time will tell.
You need to take the initiative and take advantage or tell him to pack his bags.

You know what it is, I got some free naked male centrefolds with my magazine and left it lying where he could see it; purely to find out if it would make him feel upset and inadequate like his dirty perverted sh*t made me feel. I couldn't have cared less about the magazine, but when he saw it he wasn't too pleased! Talk about bloody double standards!!!
Good plan about getting lots of pics of men's bits and putting them where he would notice, du have any internet links or anything? The only way I found out was by seeing his history when I was looking for something on the internet at his. It would be good for him to see how it feels!

Thankyou to everyone who's replied, your responses have really helped. I do realise that I'm probably being over-sensitive, maybe men can actually separate the need to watch porn and eye up everyone with t*ts from the sexual relationship they have with the woman they love. But it still isn't bloody fair though is it! I suppose I can't do anything to change how it makes me feel, but I love my boyfriend and we have a healthy sex life so I suppose I'll just have to get over it. I shouldn't have to because men should have more respect and not do things which make their girlfriend's feel this way, but I suppose they can't break the habit of a lifetime of evolution. Too bad.

(to the sick idiot who sits up at 4am in the morning talking s**t to strangers, I actually (almost) feel sorry for you. You obviously can't get laid and so turn yourself on by insulting other people to make yourself feel better. Do you feel like more of a man now you saddo?).

so you suggest this girl be easy and a pushover,your suggestions i suppose come from experience, it says a lot for you. i think the person looking for advise does actually have some respect for her self, i think what you have said is discusting and stupid. i for one will never let people use me or my body.

Dont do any thing if you dont feel secure in your relationship and yourself ..

mabe you should work out what makes you feel sexy and what gets him really going for you 1st ... this will help to make you feel just as sexy and know that he gets turned on for you ... then try watching it together , you will prob be surprised at it will turn you on seeing him excitied and also makes you feel naughty ...

i dont mean to upset you but you do seem really insure about it and if it is going to make you free worst you should get him to make you feel more sexy !

im the same tho my bf loves dirty blondes and im a boring brunette .. keep feeling like i should change myself but i just have to get a grip and be who i am ...

i do watch porn with my bf and it does get my really turned on at the time but sometimes when i think about i have the 'he wants to shag another women feeling' but its not that at all its just fantasy land

but dont do anything that does feel right to you take it slow ... mabe you should dress up and make your own porn ?????

I have the same trouble with my boyfriend scott of two years its not the video s it s the mags that **** me off. I mean i feel as if im not enuf for him and he has to look else where its only been recentely but i feel like hes started to get bored of me and so instead he finds it nessacary to look at these sick mags. He says it s no problem nd says hes just a bloke but women always read more in to it dont we. Theres a meaning for every thing isnt there,
gud luk hun with ur prob let me no how it goes
tash
xxx

Hey there,

Before I start, can I just say take no notice of what the idiot "pregfatho" says. he's obviously some sado who gets off on what he writes especially if he is on at that time in the morning!!!

I think it is a man thing and something that us girls will never understand. I have come to accept this and as long as it's not pushed in my face and he does not do it whilst I'm there then I have no issue with it, because I know we have a very healthy sex life and are very much in love. The only thing I would object to is if your guy is rubbing your nose in it and doing it whist your there then that is a bit mean and disrespectful. If this is'nt the case, then don't ask him about it, try not to think about it and get on with having a good reletionship, because to be honest if you found another boyfriend, then i am 99% certain he will look at porn too. If he tells you or not. Hope this helps xx

Many young guys have grown up with it ..if its new then I would see it as more of a problem.
Would he be ok with you going to see a stripper with a gang of girls?
I think its mental infidelity, but not serious, but then I don't mind certain porn if we watch together (men like th emore extreme stuff..just let him know your limits).
But then I DO read stuff on my own sometimes.
Men are very visually stimulated..normal..if he still want sex with you ..then thats fine..don't compare ..he isnt(men are very simple beasts) If he is doing it instead of being with you...hmmm not good.
Danger..you are not allowed to own his brain, his nature or his soul(common mistake hun) he is a human who has chosen you (for now) so remember nothing is for ever..enjoy being together and accept this 'other woman' and think yourself lucky it isn;t a real person he's getting is jollies from.
Porn can't give him aids, get pregnant, or tempt him away from your relationship.
H

The only person you'll ever have a chance at controling is... YOU!!

Part of any healthy sex life is masterbation. So maybe find out what turns you on and leave your bf to on occasion masterbate-even if that means porn...

That said, everything in moderation!

When I wasn't single I used to love going out and meeting (read flirting) with guys. Cos even if they were hotter, smarter than my boyfriend. Even if I wanted them, coming home to my boy was extra sweet just'cos I had confirmation that it was him and only him I wanted to be with... so maybe see it not as he would prefer looking at these women to get off than you, but that even if they might be a fantasy, your the real, touchable, loveable woman that he has chosen to have in his life...

I also think that you want some sort of validation here on this forum.. hope your not too disapointed because that ain't gonna happen. Sweatheart, love thy self! if you don ... not fair to expect anyone else to!!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. In the first 6 months he didnt let me catch him W***ing or watching porn but one night he mentioned it. I decided to give it a go, well i cant say i like that sort of thing and as said in the first post it makes me feel horrible. I hate it but i go along with it for his sake, he really enjoys it and it bugs me... if i saved pictures of mens manhoods he'd find it "KINKY" for me. We have a very good, active sex life and i am now 5 weeks pregnant with his child but more to the point if i tell him it makes me feel bad he'd just watch it behind my back, like when im in the shower, thing is it bugs me because i know he's going to do it. He works on construction and a few days ago admitted to having a W**K at work in the toilets..... that made me feel very very unsexy and very angry. Like as if he'd seen something at work like a very goodlooking women and thought ooooh i like her and out it pops for a play. His excuse was ... " I just had an urge". He always begs me to play so he walks in and catches me but im not comfortable with it. I do masterbate during intercourse (foreplay) when he asks me too, but i dont for any other reason. Im in a bit of a muddle. How do i let him no it makes me feel unsexy and unwanted? Also it turns me on to see him playing with his manhood but not whilst or through him watching other women.

Thanks

Hi hun, he sounds like a bit of a selfish git to me. What are you - his toy purely there for his pleasure, at his convenience, on his terms???

I know what you mean about him w**king in random places - my boyfriend told me he'd done it in the toilets on a train (I later found out some sl*g had been texting him pics of her t*ts, so I doubt it was me he was thinking about!). And he also apparently does it now and then when he 'has an urge' in car parks and things. Apart from being a bit pervy, I don't really mind if it's the thought of me that's got him in the mood, afterall, I go at it with my vibrator (difference is I think about him and don't hunt on the internet for muscly men with big n*bs). But if he's doing it coz he's seen some pretty woman, then that is well out of order if you ask me.

Please don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with for the sake of your man - afterall, he is going to come 99% of the time with very little assistance from you, so if anyone should be doing the pleasing - it's him!

I think if you are watching him playing with himself while you are both together, then that's fine coz it's you that's on his mind, so don't worry that he's thinking about someone else. If you don't feel comfortable playing with yourself for him to watch, then don't do it.

Gem xxx