Very long but please read, deeply in need of advice

want to break with my partner, have two kids under 2 with him.

WHY?? when he drinks i'm scared, he gets into fights, can be intimidating, basically what im saying is i dont want the kids to grow up seeing him drunk, there has been violence in the past with him and me, and a long time ago he was in jail for serious assault (not on me)

when we argue it gets pretty horrid, i get called EVERYTHING, C**T, B***H, W***E, you name it, usually infront of the kids.

also he loves his kids, but he does very little, i'm the one who does EVERYTHING, bathing, feeding, nappies, as my friend told me, yes he helps out if and when it suits him.

the other night i told him i wanted to leave and he did his usual, sat outside, got drunk, blared music, i told him he would wake the kids and he told me to F off, i was getting shouted at through the door and he was banging the door, naturally i felt very scared, he admitted in the morning he was so angry he could have hit me, well he did throw a magazine at my head.

the next day he went out at 8am, i didnt see him for two hours, he was out drinking beer in the garden, didnt even bother with the kids!!!


i've been in touch with womans aid, i'nm hoping he wil be going to work soon, (he works away) and i can pack our things and go, i feel this is a chickens way out, but i've tried to leave before and he gets drunk, follows me around, once pulling me back by my hair, so i have to leave like this.

problem is i dont want people to judge me and feel sorry for him, thinking that B***H, up and left with the kids, im worried what his parents will say.

yes he treats me like royalty when he wants people to see it, i'm messed up, i NEED to leave, but so worried what others will say, how will i cope, i rely on him for money, i have nothing, i scared stiff he'll go for custody, i know im staying for all the wrong reasons but i cant seem to make the move, i suppose i have by phoing the womans aid,

all im looking for is other peoples kind words, to tell me its not my fault, the more back up i get hopefully the stronger i'll be, i'm crying as i write this, because i feel so rotten, rotten for pretending i love him and chatting to him while secretly plotting my escape, i do love him which is what makes it harder, but i dont love myself because ive become such a doormat, i feel at an all time low, i also feel so bad taking the kids away from their father, but as others have told me, they will benefit, do i really want them to witness as he calls me names and they grow up thinking it is the correct way to treat people???

Be strong.....

life is very hard at times,,,,,,we have situations we have to deal with that are soooo hard,,,,,we have to dig down so deep inside and make the right ones that feel right within ourselves,

I was in a marriage and i decided to end it because i was no longer happy, i have five beautiful daughters.........i dont ever regret it............it was the right thing to do no matter how hard it was at the time.

The biggest thing of controling your own life is.................not worrying about what other people are thinking.......it is your life hun and you are living it.......your friends and family will stick behind you.

Please just look at yourself and your precious children and move on........the major thing for me to decide to move forwards was the fact i felt in my marriage i was doing it alone.......the last deciding factor was when i went away for 3 days with our daughters.....we left reallyt early for ballet competitions like 6am and the girls dropped there pjs on the floor in the lounge and breakfast dishes were left.......when i came home 3 days later the pjs were still on the ground in the lounge and the dishes all left and my husband was more interested in tv than me. But something i thought about while i was away was.......i dont miss him.......then coming home and still feeling alone was enough to me.

Anyway its not about me and my life its about you.....

all i say is believe in yourself and do what feels right for you and the children......i will add that the second best thing i did was end my marriage and the best thing i have ever done in my life is get breast implants!!!!!! its so very true,,,,,,,,i shud of done it years ago but now at 44 i am loving them and it has given me a huge self esteem boost!!!!

I hope you listen to some of the comments on this forum because they are good ones and take what you need from them and move on sweety.

Hugs
Tracey xxx

Be strong

You are worth so much more than this! You have already done a really hard bit and made the decision to leave. Stay strong, take the advice of the other lady on here to go to womens aid. Your partner is in the wrong, not you love. Take your babies and get away from this awful relationship.

Big hug hunny, stay strong, you can do this!!

xxxx

You and your kids deserve better

I was in similair situation,two years ago and finally had the strength to get rid of him,best move I ever made, he was never going to change ,and my life was a living hell.I would say to you, keep going to womans aid they are brilliant and can help and support you practically and emotionally. Also get legal advise, again womans aid can arrange this and accompany you to appointments.Try to remember that life WILL get better for you and your children once you are away from this controlling individual who has made you doubt yourself to the extent that you feel unable to cope alone...... I never thought I could move on,my self belief was all but gone, i'm not saying it was easy but believe me I feel as though I have had a great weight lifted off my shoulders
Don't be afraid , remember that your babies will witness his abuse and this will harm them, you all deserve so much better .You think you love him but you can't have a loving relationship with this bully
he is incapable of loving anyone besides himself.Good luck, just remember you will be happier and calmer in the long run once you break with him,ALL THE BEST

karen.

Hope this helps

mine was not as bad but i got out a year ago...you know the most amazing thing i heard ,its abuse i thought abuse was being beaten but its not ..Emotional is much worse it screws with your mind,makes you think that your to blame.your not..you will be protected all the way..he is responsible for his actions,nothing to do with you,he is a bully he is in charge of himself not you...the minute you leave you will breathe again..your kids will adapt and so will you..you can get cour orders to keep him away and if he does not change for the sake of the kids,that is down to him.never you..this is him..remember that..dont look back with if only and regrets.we all have a right to be happy,to be free,to learn that we are stronger than we are told..this is up to you..good luck....

Very long but please read, deeply in need of advice

if you feel like you need to leave then get out how ever way you can, my ex used to get drunk and would become abusive he also got in trouble for splitting a guys head open with the back part of an ax. he was really scary and i was scared to leave him because like you I was afraid of what his family would think. I finally decided to leave when i realized there was no change in him it was getting worse and he was becoming more demanding of me when he really wasn't doing anything to help out our situation. i got over what his family would think when i thought about my children and how good i would be to them if he accidently killed me in one of his drunken rages i think you should get out before it is to late.

Thanks

for youre kind words, we have had a good day playing with the kids, i just hope he gets drunk and verbally nasty before he goes away again, because i can feel my strength weakening AGAIN, its so hard because he's being nice, and im feeling like an utter cow.

Thanks"

he will be nice and you will find the niceness in him bu you have to remember your duty as a mother is to keep your children safe, and you don't know when the dayis going to be that he gets drunk and hurts someone. I still say get out while you can or seek some counselling.

Thanks

for your kind words, its so difficult, as today he has been really good, and we have all been having fun with the kids.

i'm hoping he'll get drunk before he goes away, and his verbally nasty side will come out, then i wont feel so guilty for going, already i feel myself backing down AGAIN.

Your recognising all the signs and you deserve non of it. What is the point of a relationship if he's being nice to you one day and calling you a ... and whore the next. You are raising two kids for crying out loud. Get out of the trap ypour in because it will just keep repeating and repeating.

I can't say I understand completely. I have never been in an abusive relationtship but someone swearing at you and pulling your hair, thats what that it. It doesn't matter if he's drunk. Don't give him that excuse because it will just keep happening.

Keep in contact with womens aid- they can talk you through any guilt with him and the kids that you might be feeling. They may even be able to advise you about custody battles. Its not nice for children to have one parent but it will be a hell of a lot worse if they see daddy screaming at mommy again, if they, as you put it, think this is normal. It isn't.

Don't fall for the good days, if you stay for them you will have to endure the bad and I feel it may only be a matter of time before things get worse.

If its money there are people who will give financial support. Again speak with woman's aid, they may even be able to help with accomodation. The answers are there.

Your doing the right thing.

I'm sorry if any of my words sound harsh but I find it frustrating that you *know* you need to get out and haven't done it. Is there a friend you can stay with in another city? Parents/ family?

It may be possible that your brat of a partner will grow up, but don't stand there and wait. You and the kids come first.

Stay strong. You need break the chain.