This hurts like hell?

I've fallen in love with a married man. I'm a successful professional woman of 44 with 2 kids and a settled life, I've been single for 3 years at my own choice. I've never had a relationship with a married man. How did I end up here? This is such a no win situation. I am so sad.

I didn't know he was married at first and he agrees that he never should have encouraged things but I make him happy and he loves me, and I make him sad at the same time because he can't make everybody happy, including himself and somebody is going to hurt and it's probably us. Being with me is fraught with huge challenges that he's not sure he can face them. I absolutely adore him and we've been living in a bubble of bliss ignoring the inevitable 'big' conversation that was bound to happen. This has been going on for 6 months.

This week the bubble burst and things have come to a head. I asked him to meet me earlier this week for a drink and he couldn't make it because of work. He felt pressured every which way and was then told he would be working away next week on top of a planned break at home for the following two weeks. Our time together this month had suddenly slid away to nothing, we both felt annoyed and an acute sense of loss of control, him more so actually. He sent me a stupid text saying I deserved more and blah, blah and I thought he was saying he didn't want to see me anymore. He wasn't he was just expressing frustration but I lost it completely. The perils of text you could call it.

We met yesterday to talk. I went from thinking it was all over to maybe there's a chance to euphoric it's all going to be okay to oh my god it's all over again and then to we can't make a decision. We talked about our feelings rather than the situation because neither of us knows how to fix it.

His career is serious and he's worked hard and is successful and ambitious. He wasn't particularly unhappy at home before he met me, just bored and not 'in love' and life was more fun at work. Then I came along. I make him madly happy but the challenges are huge. They would affect not only his family life, wife, teenage children but his career too. The whole thing would have to be discussed out in the open at work, affairs become potential for blackmail in this line of work and life can get very messy. I believe he loves me but will never feel he can do anything about it and will be unable to give me the commitment I crave.

How weird I want commitment. I've never felt like this before and some hitherto unknown selfishness has risen in me and I want a future with him. I'd marry him tomorrow and absolutely adore him, mentally, physically, spiritually.

I decided yesterday to make my feelings clear (I didn't mention the marry him thing, just the other stuff about my feelings) and I said that I can't make it easy and walk away and make his decision for him. I always give in and accept things and this time I'm not going to. He has to make is own mind up. He is confused and sad and doesn't know what to do. I can see and feel his confusion and his pain is clearly visible in his face and voice. This is not a man having a casual fling.

I ended my previous 15 year relationship because it wasn't right or going anywhere and we weren't happy. I just wanted out. I never married him even though we loved each other, I felt it wasn't necessary at the time. I now think its because he wasn't truly 'the one'. I'm good friends with him now and believe break ups don't have to be destructive. They're painful yes but they don't have to destroy people.

Surely it's better to be happy in yourself than sad? Even if it is difficult?

So should I see this 3 weeks as the beginning of the end and try to get my feelings under control and move on or should I let him have his time and clear his head and make some decisions on the basis that he might realise he can't live without me and it doesn't have to destroy everybody around him? Or him? Or me? How long do I wait for him? Do I wait at all?

Of course if he doesn't make my decision I'll be the one with a broken heart. And then what do I do? Why am I always the one that gets hurt? Why do I have such bad luck with men if I'm so "lovely and kind, beautiful and gorgeous inside and out" - how can he say that and walk away? I have no idea how to behave through this. I am so sad and I just want to cry.

Trust is a funny thing....

Thank you for writing, it's good to know that there are people out there listening even when I feel alone and I prefer an honest opinion than none at all.

I know completely what you mean about the trust thing and the dishonesty. I'm perhaps delusional but I don't believe he walked into this thinking it would be like this, I don't really know why he did. Maybe he was unhappy and looking for something else, people do, or maybe he was just looking for a distraction, people working away from home do that too, maybe there wasn't a reason and we just met innocently in a coffee shop and talked and clicked. Maybe that's why he ran after me down the road with his phone number and asked me to call him when I said good-bye. Maybe I'm right and he just met me and fell in love like I did, without trying and it just happened. Maybe I'm wrong and he's just playing with my feelings? I just think a man in his situation doesn't need this hassle, why wouldn't he just say good-bye? Why even pursue this? If it were completely innocent and about sex then okay but it's not, it's way deeper and it has 'feelings' and 'angst' written all over it.

I need the break as much as he does, I'm so confused. I know the hurt, I've experienced hurt too but this hurts me. Relationships can and do break down and they change and it's not always bad. He never said his relationship was poor, just not fun, boring and going nowhere. Maybe this will help them get back on track and he'll say good-bye and try harder with his wife. Good for them but makes me feel bad. It's a no win.

Yes he has kids, they are much older than mine but my separating from my children's father did not mean they don't have a relationship with him. It's better, stronger and much more fun. He's not miserable and neither am I. My kids are very positive about things, believe we did the right thing and don't seem traumatised about it at all. Maybe I have a different attitude to divorce, my parents divorced and my father lived 5000 miles away from us but we were a very close knit group and had an amazing relationship. He died a few years ago and I miss him every day as do my four siblings. Distance didn't ruin our relationship with him it made it unique and wonderful. But then you can always post rationalise any situation I guess.

I'm angry at MM for pursuing this in the first place. I'm mad at myself for not ending it before I got this involved - oh when was that? But then I feel like I fell for him from almost day one. Curse that wretched coffee shop!

I know I probably should just walk away now and not see him in another ten days time. I may. I am so sad I don't want to be sad and rejected. This way at least I'm just sad.

Thank you again for responding and tough though your questions are, they are the right ones to ask.

Tx

This is so strange

Hi,

I got here by accident and read your story.......it might as well have been my own!
Me and my man fell head over heels in love with each other in March, both of us not looking for a relationship. He in a ok-but-not-in-love-anymore marriage with a successful business and 2 grown up kids, me with an estranged partner and 3 teenagers. We love each other deeply but he has decided I deserve more than the few hours he has to spare and after an misplaced and misread text he pulled the plug to save me further hurt. Hurt he had imagined he caused me by not having enough time. (I was fine, what was he thinking off?)
This is 3 weeks ago and I'm in such pain and know he is the same. But he is stubborn and strong and thinks he is doing this for the best.

I know what you're going through. It is not easy to see things rationally if you are so deeply in love. Many people will tell you to get a grip, get over it, move on, but it doesn't work like that.
I think that everything is possible if you give it a chance. At the moment we are both hurting like hell, so what is right about that?

If you have the chance, talk with him after this break. And I mean really talk. Tell him what you feel, what you would do for him, but don't put any pressure on. If he needs more time, give it to him. Men can't handle making decisions about career, family and responsibilities all at once. He might just have to get things straight in his head, in his own time. As long as he knows where he stands with you and if he really loves you, he will come to the right decision. We all have a right to happiness and as long as he handles things the right way with his wife and kids, there is no reason why it can't be possible for you two to be together.

Look, I think me and my man are a bit older than you (we are both 50) and we might never get the chance to be together, but I hope that you and your love will make it. If he is the one, fight for him!

Good luck

Coincidence is a funny thing....

Gosh how lovely to get your message and yet how strange is coincidence? My heart goes out to you, I hope things work out for you. Hopefully your man will come to his senses and realise that such an insightful and lovely lady doesn't come along every day. Until recently I never realised that three weeks could be so stressful, so long and so difficult. What a roller coaster. I'm nearing the end of our self imposed isolation and am both desperate and terrified to see him again next week.
I so feel for you. It's so difficult when men can't face up to their feelings. I think often their sense of responsibility for other people's feelings is such a restriction on their own happiness.
Yes you're right people have told me to get a grip, get over it, move on, be angry - he shouldn't have encouraged this, you should have got out sooner, think of his family, you should believe in yourself more, blah, blah. I knew I loved this man almost instantly. He hits every button and I absolutely adore him, I love him completely in a way I never knew I could feel. I couldn't walk away five months ago, I can hardly imagine the idea of walking away now.
I agree that it's all about the way you handle challenges. Break ups do not have to destroy relationships, they change them and they can be painful but it can be done with sensitivity. Our challenges are huge. He will only work in London for another two years and then could be sent almost anywhere, literally. To danger zones or on a ship or deepest northern Canada or anywhere else that's rather anti-social. And then he could be away for months and months. Or he could change his career path and give up on everything he's worked for and stay in London significantly slowing down his progression. For me?
Or we could be together and in two years time he moves and either I stay here alone or I go with him. Then what? My children, their father, my life? Boarding school? Boredom? No job? And that's without even factoring in his children and his wife.
Yes we're a little younger than you but not a lot. Like you neither of us was looking for love. It just happened. We couldn't stop it. I think everybody deserves happiness, including me.
I will fight for him and I agree I have to let him have time. On the other hand it's so hard to know how much time. I can't be that woman who just waits, and waits, and waits. Then again, I can't pretend I don't care and simply let go.
Next week is going to test every emotion I possess. I'm going to have to demonstrate patience like I've never done before and express what I want without too much drama. Then I'm going to have to let him get on with it. As you say if he really loves me then it will be. My trauma is so not over.
I hope you get some good news soon and maybe it will work out for you. I hope so, you sound lovely and kind and like you deserve some happiness too.
X

Well

I truely believe that this time apart will be a make or break.
Let him have this time without calling and texting him to decide what the future holds. If he gets in touch with you during this time then fine.
You have fallen in love with him and he may well be in love with you enough to leave his wife...obviously it will be difficult for him thoe if he has children.
He need to tell you that he defenatly wants to be with you in the future or he needs to say its not happening...if he says its not happening then you need to move on as this proves he loves his wife more.
Either way you cant both keep going on like this...do you have a future or not..you need to stop putting your head in the sand and avoiding the questions...if at the end of this time apart he doesnt tell you then ask him once and for all otherwise i can see this going the same way for god knows how long with you dangling on a string!
I hope whatever happens you will be happy hon.
xx

Thank you.....

Thank you for replying and for being honest. I think I agree with you and have been trying to focus on other things this weekend rather than brood over this. I've got 20 days to go and they're going to be very long if I don't get on with it. I have decided you're right and I'm not going to contact him at all and I think we do really need to agree what the future holds when we do see each other. I can't be left dangling and as much as it will hurt I know you're right. I saw a friend today and she asked me point blank what I'd do if he said he'd left his wife 'now what?'. My immediate response was "I love you, marry me"! She rolled her eyes to heaven and said she'll have every finger and toe crossed but the wine will be in the fridge in case it goes wrong because I'm in deep. I'm consoling myself with the fact that I have fabulous friends who will still love me and eventually it will get better. I'm still not sure how I got to this place and how this man means so much to me but still in the meantime my glass is half full, not half empty and I've got three weeks to focus on my children and enjoy their summer holidays.
Thank you again for your wise and sensible words. xx