Break up 1 week ago, i am feeling so low!!!!

My boyfriend of 3 years who I also lived with ended the relationship last Saturday. We have been fighting a lot over the last few years, I moved in quickly after meeting and he has never lived with anybody before so coming to a happy medium never really worked for us which caused a lot of fights, looking back mostly from my side as I had been in a 6 year relationship before and I really wanted a future with my curent ex but he was happy doing what he had always done, gone out with his friends , X box twice a week every week, mountain bike and motor bike. I wanted to spend more time with him!! He needed to do his own stuff. This caused a lot of arguments and fights to the point he has broken it off.

I understand why are it was getting too much, he was un happy and so was I, there was a lot of crying from my side and a lot of reasurance needed in which he could not give me.

I have moved in with a friend and I am trying to be positive and look forward, look at the bad points etc but bloody hell I cannot stop crying, cannot eat, concentrate on anything and I am hurting so so much. I know he has done the right thing but at the same tme I am so annoyed with the fact we love each other so much but we could not sort it out, I could not change and he could not change his selfishness. We clashed and made it hard but now I would do anything to have it all back even with the tears from my part if needs be.

I know time wil heal and I will move on, everything does happen for a reason but I cannot take the hurt away and would like anything postitive anybody has to say as at the moment all I can do is see a black hole and I am trying to preent from going back to what was our house and begging him to take me back

x

I know how you feel x

I was busily trawling through the pages of internet "what to do after breaking up" websites and came across your post and instantly felt that I needed to reply as I am currently going through a similar situation.
I have had a terrible two years and this has been compounded by my recent split from my boyfriend of two years. Much like yourself I met *ben and instantly felt he ticked all the boxes that I had been looking for in a relationship. I met Ben after being single for three years after my 6 year relationship/engagement ended. When we met I had restored my self esteem and confidence and felt comfortable within the relationship to be myself, something that I had not been afforded in my previous relationship. Ben had never been in a long term relationship before, in fact I was his first long term relationship, as before it was just one night stands for him. We clicked.. we enjoyed the same things, we adored each other and everyone we knew as a couple said we were made for each other. Ben, like me, had lived on his own for a couple of years, and so had enjoyed that sense of space and freedom to do what he wanedt when he wanted. Ben was happy with his life, and to be honest had not gone out looking for a relationship, thats why we always felt it was fate the night we met. I on the other hand was searching for a relationship.
Not long after we met(approx 6 months) my dad passed away. IBen was there for me and helped me care for my dad. We acknowledged that if we could get through what we had got through then our relationship could withstand anything. Obviously it was very stressful for Ben to be subjected to such an emotional situation. Ben did find my grieving rather difficult to cope with, and to this day I feel hurt that he made it feel like an inconvenience..that my depression and low mood was affecting his happiness. On top of my dad passing I have not spoken to my mum for two years since dad and her split. Mum is taking my brother and I to court over the will and so I have had all this to cope with since dad died.
Despite all the grief and problems with mum I have battled through, but not without keeping silent about my thoughts and feelings to ben and anyone who will listen.
As time moved on after dad.. Ben and I continued to have nice times together..going walking, on holiday, staying in and lounging around. Ben told me early this year that he wanted to start a family with me, and that after the summer we were going to start trying. Our relationship went that step further, and six months ago he moved in with me. Things were great...we bickered about things couples bicker about..e.g not emptying the bins etc but never ever argued majorly. Ben never had any money and because of this I always paid for our holidays abroad and let him only pay half of the utility bills because he was still paying for his house that was still up for sale. Since moving in, to make my house feel like his house, we signed up for sky and bought a new sofa . This information will all become relevant to why I feel how I feel right now.
Anyway... Last new yea,r Ben became reaquainted with one of his old friends. This friend is single and is a real shitter of a bloke. He likes to be liked and can talk the talk, and like ben is into walking, pipedreams, the outdoors, climbing (not that they have any experience of it!). There friendship was not one that consisted of seeing each other all the time, in fact since the new year they have only been out walking a couple of times and been out drinking once a fortnight and a few random nights out. The one thing that became apparent was that the effect that this friends personality had on Ben. Some nights we would sit in comfortable silence(which I now think was him just festering on his boredom and unhappiness), but as soon as this friend would call, facebook ,or text Ben somehow he became a laughing hyena and came to life. As you can imagine this really made me feel like ... wondering what his friend had that I did not.
Back in June this year things came to a head and Ben was honest and admitted to me that his feelings for me were/had changed and that he felt he wanted to end it. Thankfully his sister got involved and sat him down and made him understand that our relationship was too good to not give it/me a chance to work on the issues he felt so down about. These issues were mainly to do with him not feeling like he was seeing his friends(due to working two weeks of nights some weeks), and that I was so low most of the time with my "traumas" and stress at work. Obviously this caused us both to reflect on the relationship and in a good way made me realise that I had been neglecting his feelings and that we needed to work on things.
So two months went by and in my eyes everything was hunky dorey. Not once did he show any signs of feeling bored, sad, stressed within the relationship. In fact, he even treated me to a weekend away in London to cheer me up in August. We had been on holiday and had a lovely time etc. In between all this his friendship with the ... head was still ongoing, to the point where I was becoming slightly suspicious of what this friends intentions were. I am ashamed of what I did next, but I took his phone and read his messages . Most of the messages were just lads talk, but one message stated that he would do a marathon with this friend and that he would not need to get "permission off me" because he was his own person,. Well I saw red and confronted him with it. He was not happy and stated that his feelings had not changed since June and that in his words he wanted to be"selfish and do what he wanted when he wanted, and to not have to answer to anyone". He told me that he did not love me anymore and that he did not want children for at least another 5 years. That hurt, as throughout the relationship I always thought we were on the same path and it was him that initiated the whole wanting children plan.Ben told me that he wanted to get back to the person who he was before he met me, and that my traumas and stress had dragged him down and made him feel negative. I agree with this in part, in that I lost my sparkle the day my dad died . What Ben does not realise is that you change when you lose a parent.. you are never the same how can you be? I was getting there and was beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel..that I could go a day(s) without crying. Ben left, packed his things and moved in with another friend. Since then we have spoken once face to face, but he was adamant he had made the right decision. I was so hurt to hear that hedid not love me anymore, even more so because he had treated me to that weekend away four weeks ago and had shared a lovely holiday together. It said that he did love me during this time, but when we got back to the routine of daily life his feeling changed back to those of doubts. I told him it was a bloody expensive way of testing his feelings. I could not understand his actions as like I said earlier four weeks before we finished he signed upto a years subscription to sky and we had started our payments on the two contract for the sofa!! Ben just said that he always kept hoping that the good times would rekindle our relationship.. but it obviously didn't. I feel betrayed and lied to and that any happy times we have had feel tarnished . its so hard.
Like you..I am absolutely devastated and have lost over a stone in weight and have just lost total interest in life. I feel very alone as Bens family had replaced my non existent family. I have my friends but somehow they do not replace that void Ben has left. I have spent all weekend in bed crying myself into a state of panic..going over things in my head about what have I done wrong. What is he thinking, doing, wearing, talking too. Its exhausting and just feel like taking my head off and burying it somewhere for a year until everything is bearable. I cant bear to see couples together as it only makes me upset at what I have lost. I am dreading xmas and new year as everyone will be with someone!! Its his birthday today and our annivesary tommorow and my birthday the day after that... all too emotional to deal with. I just want him to at least feel a little bit sad and regretful about his actions. I just cant imagine ever being with anyone else..I dont want anyone else.. he is everything to me.
At the minute I am trying so hard to try and get some reprieve from the constant thoughts going around my head. Ben owes me money and will not reply to any of my text. emails etc. I am trying to take the slant that him leaving me is because he wants to be selfish and that he has scared himself about committing himself ...he got cold feet, but this was possibly influenced by seeing the freedom his friend has doing what he likes doing. WHo wants to be with someone who only thinks of their own happiness and needs. He is 29 he should know what he wants! Despite my efforts it hurts so much...it literally does hurt my heart!. My friends tell me that he is being very selfish and slightly immature with his actions and that one day, maybe quite soon he may realise this and come back...but by this time I may be over it. That happened in my last relationship and it was true.. I had moved on and become stronger and did not take him back. I dont think Ben will come back..he is too stubborn. ......You have to give him chance to miss you..refrain from all contact... self preservation thats the key.. if he sees you being strong it may make him realise what a beautiful, grounded person he had the fortunate oppotunity of being with xx the old cliche is so true..time will heal I just wish I could fast forward it for the both of usx

Emily

I have just read this and am very moved by all what has happened to you. I have a daughter probably about your age therefore I have gone through loss of parents. I have just lost my partner of 34 years, as her new interest is internet dating and sex. For much of the last 2 years we were together she was 'over the side', in the past I had already forgiven her for letting the guy who was decorating our house, use our bed for sex with him.

Sadly suffering is a large part of our life and people you care for will unexpectedly 'shaft you' when you least expect. It seems like life has nothing left and you feel so low, there is the 'why is this happening to me'?

I bet you look around at friends and question why does every one else seem to have great relationships, I know I do. Sometimes I even look at couples and cannot understand why great looking girls are with plain / nothing to look at blokes. I know many male friends and colleagues that treat their partners like servants almost. I was never guilty of that beacuse my partner was lazy so I did most of it anyway.

We have split 4 months ago and you will see another post from me as to her behviour at this time. However, that is not important. I want you to target Xmas and the New Year as your move forward, Emily , the context of your text above tells me that you are charming, honest and very caring. These qualities I fear are not easy to find today as so many of us are out for ourselves and grasp any chance that comes along. Many of us have little or no regard for other peoples feelings and at the first hurdle we move on rather than try!

By telling us the above you have taken the first step to moving on and I am sure that things will improve daily. Take every invite you are given and push yourself to do thing with your friends, use this period of the year to try and move on.

The partner you want will not be the guy that you look at and fancy he will be in the background and at first you may even consider him unattractive. Thing outside of what was your norm, take on challenges and do something this weekend that you have never considered before???????

You will contact us very soon with positives. One thing I did which was out of character for me was to join an amateur theatre group and the friendship / camaraderie has blown me away, I did not realise that you could make so many friends so quickly from 5 - 75 years

Please get back to us soon and without knowing it many people have read your story and wish you well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Early yet

Kirsty
You look to be a very attractive young women and write with heart felt feelings! I can empathise with you and it is great you have come on here and I hope you get lots of replys. You must tell / discuss as much of this hurt with friends and strangers alike. It is your time and use as many peolple as you can work colleagues are important so tell them all. He is probably an idiot splitting with you and you will not wait long before you are back with company.

We men a re children and rarely know what we want is love X - box etc clearly shows that trend. I am 58 and split with my wife of 34 years she moved I creied and hurt for a couple of moinths and trust me looking back I fail to understand why I did that. I used to adore sex, ;looks figure she was acomplete package. I loved to be out with her. Some months later the hurt has gone and it is more the boredom that I feel. She came around yesterday for a visit and I could not see what all the fuss had been about. She wasn't that good looking anymore and looked just a smart 55 year old. In fact I felt sympathetic toward her as her internet dating addiction has come to a halt and she seemed a little lost and lonely.

My piont cry as much as you can bore your friends sick with the same converstions. He probably will not feel so good either. Xmas is coming take every invite out that you can and as I said noty a great picture but I bet you a beautiful woman who will not wait long for company should you choose it. Promise me you will go out this week and do something totally different from what you used to do. Go dancing, go to church get someone to go to a footb all/rugby match?

You will feel better a week today I promise you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look in the mirror you look great you are great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time

Time is the key. I have just had my partner walk out after 34 years so my heart goes out to you as it does not matter what anyone says only you can get through this.

Share your story with as many friends, colleagues even strangers as you can, each time you do it dilutes the pain a bit more! It has taken me three months and I am now feeling far less upset and some days it does not perturb me at all.

Make no contact with him at all, erase his numbers from mobile and do not be tempted to call or text. Trust me each day that passes it will get better. Some months from now 'you will wonder what the fuss was all about'

Life is not difficult it is just the people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Find a friend go somewhere new for a couple of days