I'm a mother and have a girlfriend...

Hi out there!

sorry, but it could take a little longer to explain my situation, so please bear with me..... thx already

I'm a 39 year old mother of three girls (20, 17 & 11) that all live with me. I was divorced from their father this month. He has a girlfriend, with whom our children don't really get along.... but that is a reeeeeally long story.

My problem is.... or rather I should say, my daughters' problem is the fact that I also have a girlfriend. I told them (or rather my older daughters, the youngest is at summer camp at the moment and is not yet in the picture) about my relationship a couple of days ago... and they reacted pretty much the way I thought they would!

I've kept my relationship from the girls, because I was afraid of their reactions. I met my girlfriend nearly two years ago and we hit it off pretty much from the start. My oldest two say they don't like her, whereas they seem to get along with her most of the time. Maybe they're just being polite(?) Sure, they do sometimes air their complaints and some of them are even reasonable, or rather are such, that I can understand them. What I'm saying is.... I know I'm not perfect and I do try to be realistic, but foremost I listen to them and take them seriously. I respect their attitudes and their decisions and would like them to respect mine.

I don't know why I decided to admit to my relationship to my girlfriend now, seeing as they've asked on numerous occasions and I have always denied it. They're not stupid, obviously... but they're definatly intolerant. Maybe it has something to do with my divorce, I don't know. That was one of my ex's theories. He knows about it all and has done for some time. He was here today to talk about it and to try to calm them down a bit. I think it did have a little effect. And if the only thing is, that they see that he is supportive towards me.

Nobody else that knows about my relationship has had a problem about it. My kids are the only ones.... up til now. But if I'm honest.... I don't care much what anybody else thinks, except, of course, my children. I'm a bit worried that they may start to instigate (is that really a word???) against me, when my youngest gets back. She's due home on Friday. She really likes my girlfriend and I do not believe that she would have a problem with the situation at all.

My oldest have never had a problem with homosexuality... up til now! We know a few homosexuals... no probelm... until they're confronted with it in their own family!

What did I go wrong? I know I should have been straight with them from the beginning, but I was scared to be. Can't change that now. They don't know who long we've been together and I don't plan on rubbing it under their noses, so to speak.
How can I get them to understand and accept things the way they are? Or will they learn to live with it in due time? I've tried to tell them that my sexuality is my business.... I've also tried explaining what I like about her. ( I found that quite embarassing and would rather not have further conversations with them with that content) As you can see we've spoken about it a couple of times and I've been understanding most of the way. I can understand that they're shocked, or rather I can accept it. But what I am not prepared to accept are the insults that my oldest daughter has said to me.
We're still on speaking terms and I hope it will stay that way. I'm so worried that it won't though.

Is there anything I can do to make things easier? on myself aswell as on the girls. My girlfriend won't be coming around here in the near future and I am not planning on staying at her place over night. I think that that would be pouring oil onto zhe fire, but I am not prepared not to see her at all. I'm afraid that if I did that, my girls would think that that's that. They'd get the wrong impression. I just want the right that I thought I'd brought them up to believe in... self determination.

Am I expecting too much? Am I going about things in a reasonable fashion? Should I maybe not see my girlfriend for a while? Or should I just let my kids get on with it and let them hate her (which is what they say they do) and maybe live with the fact that I didn't manage to raise a couple of tolerant young people who love their mother, the way she loves them.... no matter what! I am so worried that IÄm going to do the wrong thing, that I'm not able to do anything at the moment.

Sorry, my english is bad

I didn't read all but, you know, that's ok if yours daughter doesn't approuve, it's because you're their mother, my youg brother and I don't like seeing our father with his girfriend that's just...I don't know...to see one's parent with someone...it make us realize than, they have a sex life !!!
And, of couser the fact than you're gay...the societie of now want than people are afraid and disgusted by gays so as they grew in this world, they got predjudices too...

Maybe because they're girls?

It's just my theory though. It's tough enough having their parents split. They would always see the other man/woman as a threat. I guess to a certain extend they prepared for that possiblity (that the next love of your life would be a man), and probably foresaw how to handle it, but having to compete with another woman for their mother's love is something that would take a little getting used to. I think once they learn to draw the line between the sort of love you have for them and the sort you have for your girlfriend, they'd understand that she can't take from theirs....maybe then, they'd be more accepting, but I think for now they see her more as a threat than they probably see their father's gilrfriend, even if they like her better.

Should i maybe not see my girlfriend for a while?

¿Why? If your are happy with your girlfriend... ¡forget of world!

To find a love is very very dificult... Perhaps live in two time is the solution because de people don't change quickly their opinions.

Luck!

I can forget the world, but not my kids! i still hope they'll try to understand...

Hi seville

thanks for your opinion. I'm taking things easy at the moment. I can forget the world, but not my kids. What I just don't understand, is why my girls think they have a right to dictate to me, who I can be with and who not. At first I was very worried about how they would take things, but now I get rather sad and angry and shocked ( not usually at the same time)

Now they say to me, that I am a bad mother. A good one would first think of her kids feelings etc. I asked them if they would pleaes not have a reletioship for the next ten years, beacause it would make me sad if they did. Or if they did have one, then, please, not with someone with blue eyes. I tried to make it clear to them, that it is absurd to expect to be able to choose a partner for someone else and to lay down certain criteria.

Of course they are of the opinion, that one thing has nothing to do with the other. My 17 yr- old even said, that if that's what I wanted, then she would be prepared to try and not have a relationship!! I can't imagine that she would have even thought about saying that, if the situation had been a different one, and she didn't expect me to stop seeing my girlfriend, because she has problems understanding it and accepting it. Maybe, with time, they'll get used to it, or maybe not. Certainly I don't intend confronting them with any embarrassing situations, but I would appreciate it if they would stop playing with my conscience.

Thanks again for your answer

Twilight

I'm sorry, thats tough!

i feel awful that your children are letting their prejiduces get in the way of their love for you. i dont however think that they will "turn" against you just for this though. i was kind of freaked out when i learned my mother was bisexual. i just had to realize that she is not just my mother, only till she was at a certain point in her life was she a mother. i had to face that she was a person, like everyone else, and lets face it, who hasnt doubted their sexuality at one point or another, whether or not we want to admit it. maybe you should discuss with them how this is hurting you and how they shouldnt look at it any differently if you had a boyfriend, and that you are a person with feelings and needs just like them, just like everyone else in the world, that you are no different and that they shouldnt treat you like this if they really love you (as i'm sure they do). it will probably take a while for them to come around, but you are their mother and they know that, and eventually they'll find it in their hearts to put their prejiduces aside and not let it get in the way of what really matters.


and it might not even be that they're prejiduced. maybe they would react the same way, or similar if you had a boyfriend. they might feel somewhat betrayed because of the divorce, and they might view your girlfriend as an outsider, someone to take place of their father. let them know that this isnt the case. perhaps use examples of them breaking up with boyfriends and going out with different ones. tell them that gender doesnt matter. if its simply a matter of them getting along with her, well you cant help that, but from what you said it does sound like they just dont know what to think, and so they're reacting negatively.


i hope that helps a little, i'm not exactly all that experienced in these matters (as far as finding out my own mother was bisexual), but just remember that communication is important in any and every relationship.

Thanks nobody... communication is important, but can you talk too much?

Hi there, Nobody...

thank you very much for those thoughts. I think they're beginning to accept things just a little bit better now. At least my 17-yr-old isn't quite as difficult as she has been. My other two are on holiday at the moment at their grandparents. They're due back at the beginning of the week, and then I'll see how things are.

You are so right, in that communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. We have always talked very much, about anything and everything. Maybe that was just too much talk!?! Perhaps thats why they think they have the right to decide with me or rather for me.... I don't know.

I can only say what my daughter says, thats here at the moment. She said that it doesn't matter how angry or hurt she is or ever will be, no matter what the reason, she will always love me, because I'm her mother. We both have a very special bond. We're very similar and have a lot of trust to each other. I told her I was afraid to loose that, because of all this. It felt so good to hear those words from her. She's not happy about my girlfriend, but she's doning her best to live with it.

I've used quite a few examples, whilst talking to them. Neither of my older girls have ever had a boyfriend, which means there are a few things that they simply cannot understand until they have been through a relationship themselves. I told my 17-yr-old, that maybe she has problems with it, because she is just at the beginning of her sexuality, and that its very difficult for her at her age. If she were 5 yrs older or younger, then it maybe wouldn't be so difficult for her. I hope she'll understand that with time.
I also think you're right, about that they might react in the same way if it was a man. At least I think that would be the case in my oldest. She doesn't like her father's girlfriend. One of her grandmothers now has a boyfriend. She doesn't like that... doesn't call her up as often as she used to etc. I've given that some serious thought and everything I come up with isn't good. (sometimes I think I worry too much!)

I am so grateful to you for writing all that. I don't know how old you are, or how long ago it is that you found out that your mum is bisexual, but you've definately given me a lot of hope that things will work out, somehow. They don't have to like my girlfriend any more than they have in the past. Thats not really going to change, I'm sure. I just want them to understand and accept that its not their decision with whom I have a relationship and that it's also not their problem. Or it shouldn't be. But it hurts me that they are making a problem of it and that they have a problem with it.

Thanks again

Eep...

I'm sorry your girls are being like this. I can only imagine how much that must hurt. But I do think that more communication is better than less. In fact, it would probably be worse if you and your daughters hadn't always been open with each other.

Maybe you could try asking them what exactly is their problem? Of course, it could be that they're insecure, or jealous (who wants somebody