Hi all. I am new to this forum but have been reading your posts for a while now. I'm sorry if my message is not really relevant to this subject but i just feel an urgent need to talk as i am on the verge of a breakdown.

I've been married for 6 years and a half. My husband and i love each other and all is well between us. Except that he doesn't feel ready to have a baby yet. We have agreed when we first met to wait for 5 years before trying for a baby. During this time, my husband has been made redundant and stayed out off jobs for 2 years. We lost all our savings in renting houses etc. I was working then but my salary wasn't enough to cover for all our needs. My husband took it very badly and went into a small depression but he eventually found a very good job and regained his confidence. We moved to another city, i myself found a better job and 2 years ago we bought our first house! I was overjoyed, i thought we reached the end of the tunnel and are now ready to start trying for a baby but everytime i mention the subject to him he would tell me to wait, that we have a mortgage to pay and if we put all our efforts together we'll finish paying it in 4 or 5 years!! I felt heartbroken and so miserable, i just couldn't see myself waiting another 5 years (i'm 30 years old and he is 46). I lost the joy of life, stopped going out etc. He felt so sorry for me that he agreed to start trying for a baby. Which we did for about 2 months but we didn't try hard so i didn't fall pregnant. And now my husband has decided again that we are not ready, what with the mortgage crisis and all, me being off work for maternity, he feels we won't be able to cope. I feel completely shattered and lost, I can't understand why he feels so scared to have a child, and yet he is strong and enduring when it comes to anything else. I have run out of arguments and don't know what do to. My family keep asking me questions..my mum has cancer and her dream is to see my baby. I feel like crying everytime i see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. I know there is nothing i can do except wait but it makes me feel better to talk about it, unfortunately i don't have any friends so thanks so much for reading me and good luck to those of you trying for a baby.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragements. You're all right and i know i have to talk to him again and convince him that there is no right or wrong time. I must admit i don't bring up the subject regularly, i just don't want to put him off completely by thinking i'm obsessed with the thing(which i am obvioulsy!).
He's not authoritarian at all and we discuss everything and make decisions together but when it comes to having kids, he's a bit too sensitive. He had a miserable childhood (too many brothers and sisters and his dad was jobless and couldn't provide etc) and that has marked him deeply and he certainly doesn't want to inflict the same thing to his own kids. Being made redundant has made things worse as i am sure he felt more unsecure. He keeps saying that it was a blessing we didn't have a child then, which is true in a sense but whilst i feel ready to start a family, he seems frozen and unable to move on.
I will speak to him again, you're right, we have at least to try and find out if we are fertile, it might take us ages! but better to live on a hope every month than have no hope at all!!

Thanks again so much to all of you and good luck to those of you who are trying for a baby.

x

i feel so sorry for you! im desparate for a baby but cant imagine how you must feel! as far as finances go no one would ever have children if they waited until they had £ lets face it! however this was a concern my boyfriend had when we were first discussing about having a baby but have decided we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I would have a heart to heart with him and explain how you feel (if you havent done already) i would also say fertility wise you dont want to leave it any longer and ask him does he really want to be an older dad? i would also ask him is it really the fact of the morgage or something else. Dont loose hope hun let me no how you get on take care xx

aww hn i really feel for you i do.me and my db were together for 5 years before we even spoke bout it,but then we started trying straight away.
daft question but have you sat him down and told him how much it really means to you????wish you all the luck
tc linzi

i had to wait a while before dp agreed we should start trying. i was so happy.
i dont think i could have waited much longer.

i wish there was something i could do to make you feel better, but ther isnt. just keep talking to dp and explaining to him how important it is to you.
explain to him that in another 4-5 years something else will crop up, there will never be a right time no matter how long you wait, plus a lot can happen in 9 months so just when you think the time is perfect and if you get pregnant straight away think may be completely different in 9 months,
plus a lot of people take a while to get pregnant, so it could take a while.

i wanted a baby for years, but we only started trying last year, 1o months later and still nothing and thinks i.e. finances etc have gotten better in that time they just have to

good luck if you even need to rant the ladies on here are fab or you can pm me xx

I don't have any better advice than the girls have already given - I think you should try talking to him again, explain that in 5 years you will be 35 and he will be 51 so it'll be better to try sooner rather than later.... It sounds like the financial problems you have both had in the past have really unsettled him and they make him worry about the cost of a child.
But as someone has already said, if we all waited for financial security there'd be no babies in the world.

I hope you can get it sorted and start feeling happier - in the meantile we're all here for you to chat to and get some support

tc Lea xxx

Have you sat him down and told him how much this means to you?

Don't want to be horrible about your husband but why should it just be his decision?

There is never a "right time" to have a baby, and if everyone waitied until they were financially secure there would be no babies at all!!

Please speak to him - he has to understand what this is doing to you.

Take care

Lisa x

i really feel for you hun you must feel so awful but don't give up hope there will be a way out.

Just because men can pretty much have children at any time they completely ignore the fact that women can't ... they don't even give it a thought.

It should be your decision too if you want to work like mad to pay off the mortgage just as much as it it is both your decision about when to have a baby.

As Lisa said you really really need to sit down and talk the whole thing through rather than just raising the subject every now and then.

Fingers crossed you can make him see how you truly feel and make the right decision together.

Good Luck and don't give up ..

Em x x x

I'm soooo sorry to hear about your situation.

It took a while to my DH to feel brave enough to start trying. He realised that there ALWAYS could be some excuse/reason not to have children just yet. You just have to talk to him till he understands too.
You are not getting any younger and who knows how long would it take you to consieve (hopefully you are both fertile and well, but what if not???? It might take you years to consieve and it even might cost you some pennies.).

Fingers crossed for happy outcome. Definatelly do not giv up.
Good luck. xxx