Had a long chat with my partner last night, as got my af (my second since the miscarriage 8 weeks ago). I really feel that I wan to try again..however he feels that "we're not ready".

How do you cope with that?

If "we're not ready" now, did he think we werent ready when I was pregnant? Did he really want that baby?

He says he did, I know he was heartbroken. I think seeing me so upset, and having to go through the op and everything has really put him off. However, I felt so ready to be pregnant. I thought he did too.

We've been through so much together. yet last night whilst he was asleep, I looked at him and have never felt so distant.

Laura

hi i really do belive that it takes a little longer for men to adjust, they dont like to see the one they love hurting. at the moment my hubby and i are giving it another go and if it happens then it happens and if it doesnt it doesnt. The way we have put it is lets just see what happens, rather then the pressure of 'trying' so to speak. I hope that is a little help.
Jan

hi. me and my partner have bn together for 3 years now and was going to start trying for a baby next year bt fell pg 2 months ago by accident. just when he was coming rnd to the idea of us having it i m/c at 7 wks. we already have a child each from previous relationships and im desperate for another but same as your partner he says we'r not ready but i feel we are. there is never a right time! also if you know could someone tell me how long it takes for your period to come after a m/c. thanks

hi it is 4-6 weeks after a m/c for your priod. im sure that your partner you will want to try soon i think sometimes men take longer to stop fretting about the ones they love.
jan

Hi,

I m/c at 6 weeks and it took 5 weeks for my period to return, I am normally 28-30 days cycle so was a week over my normal. I think sometimes it depends on how pregnant you were as to how long it takes your body to recover, but everyone is different.

Been through the same situ with my partner and eventually he told me that he could not keep watching me go through it as he felt useless.

Just keep talking as much as you can and you may have to show him that you have dealt with what has happened and feel ready to continue.

i fell pg after the first month of being off the pill(very lucky)and its been 3 weeks since i miscarried. my stomach and bk hav been really sore and have been thinking that hopefully its my period comming. although i really wanted the baby i came to terms with it v quickly, i just kept telling myself these things happen. my partner on the other hand didnt know wot to do when we found out i was pg which made me think he didnt want it, feel like i cant talk to him about it.

Hi,

You really need to speak to him, I found it hard to speak to my partner at the time but things are easier now when I need to talk to him.

I would suggest going out for a meal or making one at home, then tell him that you need to speak to him. Ask him if he would please let you speak and get everything off you chest and them ask him for his thoughts.

You need to want the same things so that you can move on in your relationship. I think he may be surprised to hear your true feelings.

Hope I have helped and please let me know how you get on.

thanks for your advice, it really did help. had a good talk with him last nite and opened up to each other. i didnt know how he felt about everything but now i know that he is scared that it happens again and doesnt want me to get hurt. we have decided to start trying again in the next few months so thank you very much for your advice!

Hi Laura,

I went through this with my partner, I really wanted to try for baby 2 and he was thinking of finances and how it would affect our son. I did talk him round and we got pregnant after a few months of trying. When I told him I was so pleased but his reaction was not what I expected, however my partner is the sort of person that hides his feelings.

After a few days he told me he was really pleased but still worried about finances but doesnt everyone. Anyway I started to miscarry a week later and I was devastated.

Again my other half did not say much and I felt very alone and distant from him. We eventually discussed it and he told me he was also devastated and was now sure that he wanted to have another.

All you can do is try and get to the bottem of why he does not want to try again. It could be that he is worried about you, worried it may happen again. Men not usually good at sharing their feelings and sometimes you have to drag it out of them.

Let us know how you get on.

Hi,

I'm going throught this now with my partner. We've been together for 3 years & he has an 8 year old daughter from a previous reationship. Although he was never bothered about having kids he knew how i felt when we met & was happy to start trying for a baby. Unfortunately i had a missed miscarriage 4 weeks ago & i think its really put him off now. I know he's really worried about finances & that he doesnt know how we'll cope if we loose another baby but i desperately want to try again. I dont mind waiting for him (Although i am 31 so cant wait forever!!. We've talked today & he's asked if we can wait a year or so to help get our finances sorted & make sure we get back to being ourselves before we try again. I didnt really want to wait that long but i dont think i've got any choice.

Its the worse time in the world to be told that your partner doesn't want to try again but i think i need to just be patient with him

Sally xx

Hi Laura,

I completely understand - my partner was exactly the same after my m/c on 29th July. In fact he said he'd rather cut his bo***x off than risk watching me go through another m/c! Apparently he found it so hard to caope with the fact that he is supposed to look after me but all he could do was watch me go through it and not be able to do a thing to help.

It was not what I wanted to hear and it was really hard to understand as I was thinking Is this it then, I go through 2 m/cs and then don't get a chance to try again? But I accepted what he said and fairly soon after (a couple of weeks)he said he was ready to try again. It was so hard for me not to push him in those couple of weeks but I knew I would stress him out if I kept mentioning it. I guess our men just need time to heal in their own way, I was lucky it didn't take my partner long and I really hope your partner feels the same soon.

I got my BFP 2 days ago and both me and my partner are thrilled. We are just keeping everything crossed that it's third time lucky and everything is ok this time.

Good Luck and feel free to Pm me if it would help

Take care
S
x

The thing is, that I feel like I almost need to convince him I'm ready and i'm ok to try - but that in order to do that, I have to put on a brave face and act like im over things.

In all honesty though I KNOW I wont ever be completely over things - and that as i'm 30 I just think the best thing is to just have another go. I honesty dont think it will be any less scary if we wait another 6 months!! why would it be?

keeping things crossed for you x

what you said in your last post made total sense to me, have you tried explaining it to him in the same way? Know men work completely differently to us and do think their main problem in this situation is fear of what it will do to us if it happens again. Have had to explain to my husband at length what it will do to me if we don't try again! I came at him from two angles really, told him I wanted a baby more than anything in the world and was prepared to lose more if it meant getting there in the end. Know that sounds really harsh but it's the truth, if we're honest anyway. We all know it's a risk, even if you've never m/c'd before. I also told him I felt like a failure, again it's harsh but it's how we all feel even if it's not true. It's not the only reason I want a baby by a long chalk but if I'm honest I know I'll never get over that feeling til I have a healthy baby in my arms. Don't even know why that part is so important except that it feels like it's chipping away at my self esteem. My husband's still a bit wary but his worry is all for me. You need to make sure your partners doubts are for the same reason, and they probably are, and then tell him that you're scared but you want to do it anyway. Hopefully it will make him see how much this matters to you. Good luck!

Love, Clare xxx

Seems to be a common thing for the men to not wanna try again coz my partner was the same at first. But thankfully he's told me he wants what I want and I want to try again. I basically told him that I don't want my most recent experience of pregnancy to be the horrific experience I've had this month. Like Clare, I'm prepared to put my body through more m/c's if it means one day I'll have a healthy baby in my arms!

Laura, you are so right though! Your bloke will be as scared if you waited 6 months as he would if you got pregnant tomorrow! Keep talking to him about how you feel and how badly you want a baby. Hope he comes round to the idea eventually!

Claire x

Thanks for the advice yesterday - I think I was particularly upset as Id got my af and boy oh boy were my hormones playing up!!

I sat and had a long talk with Joe last night, who (as you all said!) is basically just worried about me, and the effect another m/c would have. I explained that to me, that couldnt be worse than how I feel now - empty and that it could take a while for us to get pregnant anyway!

we talked for 3 hours straight, cried together and made our plans for the future. We not going to "try" in the medical sense - i.e. Im not going to start taking temps and doing tests and everything - we're going to just have a while with no contraception and see what happens. Kind of a happy compromise really - he doesnt want it to become everything about our relationship - neither do I. We know at the end of the day we have each other, and thats amazing - a baby would simply add to that.

Thanks for the advice yesterday, really helped to know others were feeling exactly the same. Positive attitude now..... and thank goodness its Friday!!

Laura x

well its 2 weeks later, and we are now in full throw of tying! Its fun, but tiring - the ovulation calculator gave me dates of between last sunday and this Friday for fertility... so we're trying to cash in on this and get lucky!

have to say though, its so hard not to be thinking about it... Im at work at the mo, but I feel like I should be back in bed! poor Joe will need a holiday by the weekend!

Please keep your fingers crossed for us.

Laura
x