Essay warning

Thankyou to all who post on here! I've been reading this forum for a few months now and I found it soooo helpful. It made me feel better to see that there were others feeling the same way or asking the same questions I was and it wasn't just me going slowly mad

Here's my story - i'm posting it now in the hope it may help others the same way reading other peoples posts helped me.

I came off the pill in July last years and was pregnant within a couple of months of trying. But then at 6 weeks i started bleeding. The doctor was great, he got me an appointment at EPU where I was scanned and told they could see a pregnancy but the lining wasn't looking healthy and the bleeding was probably the beginning of a mc. We hoped for the best but tried to mentally prepare for the worst. I went back for a couple more scans at weekly intervals but after 2 weeks I went for an ERPC as it was an incomplete mc and I couldn't cope with being in limbo anymore. I felt I needed to be able to draw a line under it and start on the road to recovery.

I didn't find the physical side that hard, but the emotional side really hit me. I'm normally fairly in control but this was controlling me one minute I would be fine, the next a sobbing mess. My poor dh. I took a couple of weeks off work, shutout the world and just tried to heal emotionally for a while. But even when I came back I wasn't really ready to move on. Just tried to keep busy.

We haven't told many people what happened. Most of our close group of friends/family are a similar age to us and are expecting babies of their own. Which of course makes things a little more difficult for me as it makes the 1:4 stats a lot more personal. But we figured they wouldn't understand as it's been fairly easy for them and didn't want to spoil it for them as they were entitled right to be excited and happy and ignorant of certain harsh realities. The most difficult is my dh's brother. They have just had their first baby, which is also the first grandchild. They were showing scans around the family within a few weeks of our mc and the due date was within a few weeks of what ours should have been.

Before all of this I used had v regular AF visits but now everything has gone completely haywire. The doctor was quite dismissive and said just to wait and let things settle. Of course this is really hard to do when all you want is to get pregnant again, but have no idea when you are ovulating or when to dreadyour next visit from AF :P

I'm only now starting to feel 'normal' again. Like my hormones are back where they should be so hoping the next cycle will be more like 28 days. Of course the best outcome would be for there not to be a next one and to get that BFP

I'm mentally preparing myself to go visit our little nephew. of course I am really happy for them but am worried I won't be able to hide my emotions over what could have been. I don't want to tell them what happened in case they see it as some kind of jealousy on my part and think badly of me.

The final hurdle to get over is 31st May which should have been the due date.

I still haven't had that BFP and I know that once I do there will be a whole other rollercoaster to deal with in trying not to stress that a mc will happen again.

I live in hope and as each day passes, it does feel a little easier.

I did warn this was an essay

I hope it helps someone. However dark or down you feel there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is always hope. You are not alone.

Sarah
xxxx

Just want to say I know exactly how you feel. I m/c last Nov at around 11 weeks. Have been ttc again but no sign of a bfp yet. I was due 20th June and am dreading that day so much. Really thought i'd be pg again by now. Like you lots of friends have recently had and are having babies and i find that really hard. I struggle with a whole range of emotions on a daily basis inc hating pregnant people which I'm not proud of. It's all been made a bit harder by my oh not wanting to ttc again and things have been a bit tense, avoiding the subject etc although things are getting better on that front.
Pre pregnancy my cycle was a regular 28 days but is now around 30 and took a while to settle down.
Good luck with ttc, come and join us on the ttc forum and really hope you get your BFP very soon

Rach x x x