Miscarriage experience

I have suffered two concurrent miscarriages this year and obviously, it has been a difficult time. One aspect that has pained me has been the reaction from those people close to me -from ignoring me, ignoring the issue to saying hurtful things. The fact is that it is not easy for people to know what to say or what to do, particularly since miscarriage is often seen as a taboo subject.

As part of my own healing, but also as an effort to help others going forward, I am writing a short e-book - miscarrige: a guide for friends, family and partners. I want to help people understand how people close to them might feel after having been through a miscarriage and help them think about useful things to say and do to help them grieve and cope. There is no perfect way to behave or communicate since everyone is different and has different needs - but I think it would be helpful to give people pointers as to how to support someone close to them who has experienced a miscarriage.

To help me write this book, I would be grateful for anyone who has suffered a miscarriage to share some of your experiences with me in this area. Specifically:
1. What were the details surrounding your miscarriage(s)? (e.g., how far along were you, what kind of miscarriage did you experience, when did you experience your miscarriage, your age when you miscarried, etc).
2. What did people close to you say or do that was hurtful or unhelpful?
3. What did people close to you say or do that was comforting or helpful?
4. What did you find most difficult in the weeks after your miscarrige? (e.g., being around pregnant friends, hearing about new births, going back to work, a husband/partner who didn't understand your feelings, etc)
5. In general, what was helpful to you during the weeks and months after your miscarriage? (e.g., reading stories of others with similar experiences online, a specific form of grieving (naming the baby, having a funeral etc), talking about your experience with others, taking up a new hobby, going on a holiday, acupuncture etc).

This is a very personal issue and I would feel honoured with anyone who feels comfortable sharing their story with me with the objective of hopefully making it a little bit easier for others going forward who have to endure the pain of a miscarriage.

Any reference in the e-book to people's comments and experiences will obviously be with your name changed to maintain your privacy.

Please respond to this post, PM me or email me at candytoop@gmail.com with any questions or comments and with your stories.

Wishing you well.

So glad im not on my own

hi ill start by saying i knew i was having a handicapped baby and i didnt get the reaction that i thought i would get, i was told that i was selfish because i already have 3 boys and was only thinking of myself not a good start and this was members of my own family and my husbands, 2. months after i had a scan only to find my baby had died at 22 weeks this was devastating but rather than a shoulder to cry on i was told it was for the best, she obviously wasnt meant to be and that this was a blessing in disguise as you can imagine i was very hurt by these comments. i had a funeral which was a lovely send off and as we entered the church and the coffin was brought in the heavens opened literally and poured down and my youngest son joe age 6 said its raining because everyone is crying and making tilley sad and then went on to say when everyone stopped crying the rain would stop and sure enough as we arrived at the cemetry and everyone stopped crying as much the skies cleared and turned out to be a scorching day which was fab, we decided not to have a wake as this was a day to remember my baby not a day to get drunk but sure enough there were people who thought we should be down the pub getting drunk so afterwards i went to my friends house where we had a kids party and a bbq and the children all played games and went on the trampolne....if only the whole family could have been there instead of drowning sorrows at the pub they would have seen a nicer side to our grieving. i have only kept in contact with 2 friends since i gave birth and my other so called friends have not texted me or phoned or had any contact, my family prefer to pretend that non of this ever happened and concentrate on my brothers new baby instead (myself and his wife were due a few weeks apart)

Part 2

they have been extremely insensitive and try to change the subject whenever i talk about my baby and my mother even brought round a baby blanket for me just in case i decide to try again which left me flabberghasted.... although there are no text book things to say to a grieving mother people should realise that just because they have never met the baby in question you are still a mother that has lost a child and to put yourself in their shoes b4 you talk, if a wife had lost her husband would you say it was for the best and hand them an adress for a dating website or a flier for a singles night no you wouldnt because that would be just heartless so why do people feel that to lose a baby is just one of those things that should be swept under the carpet, i mean you wouldnt not speak to your friends if they had lost a mother, father, brother or other relative so why ignore someone who has lost a life that they themselves created... sorry to have rambled and i hope this is of some help

lots of love
otilley
aka Tilleys mum
xxxxx