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I had an abortion on 24 jan 2012 and are now devastated

 

I had an abortion nearly 3 wks ago and i cant beleive its happened.I cant beleive i killed my own baby and mu hubby or my mum didnt stop me.Infact i think the reason i found myself doing this was i knew noone wanted me to have this precious baby. I have 2 kids already, one is 12 and 1 is 2 and i was worried that my severe back problem that i had surgery on before my last child would reoccur if i was to have another pregnancy and that i wouldnt be able to look after my kids.I made the huge mistake of telling my mum the day after i found out and she quickly started saying how abortion is the best. My hubby @ 44 didnt want anymore but sat on the fence so to speak, my eldest son said "i dont want anymore".Before i knew it i was booked in and in my mind i had a week to decide. When i booked the abortion clinic asked when was my last period and then said so you are about 10wks so i thought i needed to hurry. My emotions were going crazy, one minute i thought i was decided than 30 seconds into sitting with that decision i would do a complete flip. Icould not decide but all along, and no matter how many reasons we had not to have another baby, one thing i knew was that the thought of having that abortion/killing my own baby made me so and i knew i would long for that baby. Anyway after one stupid irrational and emotional decision it was done and while i was in there i told myself that iwas going to walk out. When we had ultra sound i seen tears roll down hubbies face and i happy and excited to see bub and i imagined that any second he was going to grab my hand and drag me the hell out of that hideous place. But he didnt and its done and i am devastated, i feel like "what just happened"
As my emotions come back to normal, i now feel more than capable of looking after that baby that 2 days ago felt overwhelming and scary. All i keep saying to my mum and hubby is how could you let me do that. I have never been against abortion,and felt each to their own. Now i hate the people at the clinic that said my 8wk old baby was just a "blob" They could see how emotional i was and commented on how anxious i was to the point of getting the doctor to do ultrasound when she normally does it.There is noone properly trained to assess your emotional state and to determine wether you are in any way fit to be making decisions on killing a child. I was not but noone seem to care. I wish i could go back and i hurting so much that i am considering trying to have another baby which its highly unlikely to happen due to fertily reasons. I you struggle with the concept of taking your own childs life DONT DO IT you will regret it and feel sick for the rest of your sad life.


 

So sorry this happened to you and your baby

Hi kk360
Obviously you were in shock and distress and no one picked up on that and so you were not able to make a calm and rational choice about your babys life. It is so sad that your mum and partner were not able to offer you help when you were most uncertain. I wonder if your mum had an abortion in her younger life? Would you be able to ask her?
There is an excellent group of people on the web who are training people and offering group therapy to those affected by abortions: http://www.messengers2.com/
Or http://www.mtjoycollege.com
Let me know if you have any trouble finding the info you need.
All the best
Casey

 

You poor thing

Hi hun, im so sorry for all you have had to go through. The people at the clinic should not have let u make a decision amd u should send a complaint in. However, i dont want to offend or upset you but whats done is done. no amount of hurt or tears will turn back time. A magic wand doesnt exist to make everything better so we have to do the next best thing. However upset you are, you risk losing your mum and hubby blaming them, its a terrible thing thats happened but although you wont forget you will forgive. U have not killed you child, u stopped the formation of cells that form a child, u are hating yourself at this time and i pray u dnt continue.write a letter to ur 'baby', light a candle and express your sorrow, it sounds daft but can help. Once u forgive urself u will move on. im sorry ive been blunt. my heart truelly goes out to you. P.s, please sort things with.hubby, have a good heart to heart. Hope all works out well for you. Much love xx

 

Yeh i know i cant fix it. thats whats so hard

by:kk360

Hello, thanks for reply. I did write a letter to my baby expressing everything im feeling. Things are fine with me and hubby, i think we just dont expect our mums to give us advice that was so wrong. Im far more angry with myself and just hope that this awful feeling doesnt haunt me 4 eva

 

So sorry to hear u r hurting!

Hi,
Im so sorry to know how much you are hurting. You are so right, most women will regret having an abortion and very few regret giving their baby a chance at life.
Here are two websites that might help you in your suffering. Take care and let me know how you are doing. You can pm me. XX

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