my boyfriend says that he will support me whatever decision I make. YEAH RIGHT. It is so easy to say that.

Everything he says really means "have an abortion. do it quickly." and now that's what i'm doing because i cannot bring a child up with a man who does not love me enough to want my child. It's the wrong time for us to but when it comes to children sometimes there is no 'right time'

Men should be really careful when they say they'll support us either way. In my case it is transparent and frustrating - it's like a little disclaimer. they're not ready for a child, they dont want to be a parent, it will ruin their life, if they have a baby they dont think the relationship will last, they will be unhappy about it for months, they threaten to essentially ruin your life out of spite because its 'your fault' and yet... they'll support you either way. I'm sorry but i'm not an idiot.

This isn't aimed at you mike. it's too late for you. I hope you work things out.

i understand why she resents you though, its easy for men to decide they want an abortion when they're pro-choice. But when you're man's made that decision already its like that choice is taken away from you.

Hi Everyone

Tomorrow marks the 2nd anniversary of my Girlfriends Termination. Since it happened, we have had more hard times than i care to mention but the result is that we have been constantly arguing since it happened... Why did it happen? Well, i think because it happened too soon and neither of us could have coped at the time... (failing to realise that we havent actually coped anyway! I suppose my question is about what i can to help put things to rest. Not a day passes when i dont regret what happened. She blames me for not supporting her yet i assured her that i would support her whichever decision she made (apparently this is misinterpreted as the man not actually caring - but that wasnt the case)...

Anyway, with tomorrow (21st) being the 2nd anniversary i want to show my GF that i am supportive. She puts on a front that she has got over it but i know she hasnt because of the things she comes out with at certain times.

We dont live together and she doesnt include me in her family BUT insists that she still want me - I am TOTALLY confused about the whole thing baring in mind that i seem to constantly be pushed to the back of the queue when it comes to spending time with her.

How can we get to a point were we enjoy each others company without arguing or bickering.

I hope i've not wafled too much and hope this makes sense.

I would appreciate anyone view on this.

Thanks
Mike

Hi Mike,

The problem is that she will always blame you for not standing up for your child. I know I know you said 'whatever you decide I will support you' but she heard that differently.

You could try to go to a weekend retreat together to grieve the loss of this baby and seek forgivenes. I know one organisation which does this is Rachel's Vineyard. Google them and see what is going on near you.

If you dont take the time to do this I really fear for your relationship. This is the type of thing which will keep rearing its head until it is brought out in the open and dealt with. Sharing with her your pain about your lost child is also a good idea. The thing about abortion is that it is its own punishment, as you are well aware of by now.

I would be really interested if you would post again on this forum to share any progress.

Take care
Siobhan

Just to wite a message like this shows you care. Your girlfriend is probably trying to distance herself from you as she associates the pain of the termination with you. Ultimately she will think that if she is not as close to you then what has happened can be seperated from her. This will hopefully pass, just try to reassure her that you did what was best for you both and ask her if she wants to seek some counselling to help her through this and accept what has happened. She may have a lot of anger about what has happened and she will most likely direct it towards you.

.... someone once told me that we take things out on the people we love the most as they know they wont leave us...

All you can do is do as you are now, tell her she is fantastic and not a bad person for what she did, she just did the only thing she felt she could.

I really hope you work through it

Take care
x

Thanks. I appreciate very much the time taken to reply. I do love my Girlfriend very much and i agree that she is distancing herself from me for the very reasons of associating the termination with me. I saw her on the 21st and she seemed ok - Still distant but in good spirit. We went out for the afternoon but by the time the evening came she was becoming aggitated with me (yet i hadnt done anything)! I left her to be on her own for the evening (as she requested) only to be bombarded by 'Its Over' text messages the following day. She said many hurtful things in the texts and it was left that she was better-off on her own.

This morning i got a further text from her telling me that the emotions hit her on the 22nd (not the 21st as i would have expected) and she said she is sure we will sort things out.

I am TOTALLY confused. The texts she sent were very hurtful; she told me that she doesnt love me anymore, her feelings are no-longer there... she is better off on her own as we have nothing in common... the list goes on YET the next day she can text me to tell me we can sort things out.

i feel like i am just a kicking-post. I hate myself for what happened 2 years ago and have tried to put things back on track but it just seems to get thrown back in my face. I am at a loss what to do.

Part of me is saying to give up because i am fighting a losing battle - and that things probably wont improve... but the big problem is i love her very much indeed.

Mike

Hi Mike,

Unless and until you and your girlfriend deal with the past it will come back to haunt ye. My aunt in law had 2 abortions over 30 years ago, and never acknowledged the hurt and pain and to this day she can still explode in a family situation at her husband (who I think encouraged her to abort) and say the most horrendous things to him. She is quite an artistic feisty personality, but what she says is pretty inexcusable, and baffeling to an outsider unless you know the whole story. They have 4 grown up kids and grand kids and everything, but this is like a big cancer in their lives.

I am not trying to depress you, just to say that waiting for things to get better may not be the right strategy. You sound like you love her very much, so for her sake and for yours I think post abortion counselling or even better a healing weekend retreat may be the answer. If you can go through this together, then you might be able to see more clearly if ye are meant to be toghther. The past aborion is kind of paralysing your girlfriend and clouding her every emotion with respect to you. You are caught in the biggest guilt trip ever and walking on eggshells around her. Hardly a firm foundation for marriage and future children!.

I do think that the Catholic post abortion counselling is the way to go, but there again, I am pretty biased on that front. The reason is that they the only ones to consistantly stand up for the unborn, and who understand the hurt and pain that abortion causes the mothers and fathers on a deep spiritual level. Secular counselling services can be good aswell, I am not saying otherwise, but you might get an attitude of accept your choice and move on. (If it were that simple....)

Take care

Siobhan

my boyfriend says that he will support me whatever decision I make. YEAH RIGHT. It is so easy to say that.

Everything he says really means "have an abortion. do it quickly." and now that's what i'm doing because i cannot bring a child up with a man who does not love me enough to want my child. It's the wrong time for us to but when it comes to children sometimes there is no 'right time'

Men should be really careful when they say they'll support us either way. In my case it is transparent and frustrating - it's like a little disclaimer. they're not ready for a child, they dont want to be a parent, it will ruin their life, if they have a baby they dont think the relationship will last, they will be unhappy about it for months, they threaten to essentially ruin your life out of spite because its 'your fault' and yet... they'll support you either way. I'm sorry but i'm not an idiot.

This isn't aimed at you mike. it's too late for you. I hope you work things out.

i understand why she resents you though, its easy for men to decide they want an abortion when they're pro-choice. But when you're man's made that decision already its like that choice is taken away from you.