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I said i'd have an abortion but i don't want to

 

Hello there

I've read some of your posts and they all look so similar to mine.

I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of this week when my period was one week late. I told my boyfriend straight away and he knew straight away that he didn't want a child.

I've been distraught all week because I don't know what to do, how can I force my boyfriend to have a child, especially when It's my fault?? (I forgot the pill and stupidly thought it would be ok) But at the same time I've always been against abortion (I'm pro-choice, just its not for me) and the thought of it makes me cry and cry.

I just don't know what to do. I'm quite a maternal person anyway and I think I'd be able to care for a baby. I'm 20, so I'm quite young but not a teenager and I think I'd land on my feet - I'd just have to. But I can't just decide that my boyfriend has to cope too. (He's 23 we've been together 2 and a half years)

He is about to move in to a new house and said that if i chose to have the baby I would have to move in with him and give up my education (move back home) etc etc - which I'm fine with but when he says he'll support me it never sounds real. I'd be ruining his life.

So now i've said I'll have an abortion because I can't handle the arguing anymore - he's coming down to see my this weekend and I want to tell him what he wants to hear. And there is a large part of me that doesnt want a baby so it wasnt a lie when I said it but I've changed my mind.

I always said that i wouldn't have an abortion any time after the heart started beating but I assumed that would be like after at least 12 weeks or something. I just looked on a website and found that it could well already be beating and if not then almost definately will be by the time I go through with the procedure.

My boyfriend says he will be there for me if i have an abortion, and will "devote his life" to making me feel ok about, but i don't think anything he can do will make me feel better about it. I will always remember that I've done it and it's irreversible.
I will always wonder whether it was a boy or a girl, and whether it would have had a personality of its own (If i was to have another child would it be the same, or a whole separate erson), it could be a genius, or it could be so fantastically beautiful that when people see it they are physically sick with joy! Do you know what I mean?


I haven't told my family because if i have an abortion I DONT want them to know about it. So i dont know if they'll be supportive or not, but they're nice people so i think they'd be there for me.
People keep telling me that it isnt even a real thing yet but I feel like its a potential thing and I don't know what to do. I've spoken to my boyfriend about all of these things - how I feel - but he seems to think that I can be talked out of it with logic to come round to his way of thinking.

And now I've gone and said I'll have it but deep down I don't want to.


What should I do??? I know that reading this it might seem obvious - don't have an abortion if you don't want to - but its like i have to choose between ruining my boyfriends life by having a baby, or ruining my own by having an abortion. I don't feel like I have the right to ruin his over mine.

Please help


 

Adoption?

You could put the baby up for adoption most times they will keep you updated on your child and you can find him/her a loving pair of foster parents who are ready for a child.

 

This post is old

and I wish it wasn't used for the usual no choice fanatics.

abortion is NOT a hard way out. it is for some people the best choice and is ok, it is not a murder otherwise you'd go to jail for that.
end of story.

abortion is NOT an option ONLY if you want a baby.

simple.

 

Same situation

i'm basically in the same vote, only my b.f (29) broke up with me on mon, wens i found out i was pregnant we broke up cuz hes busy with school, university classes, im 22 and i have a 3 yr old already, i cant have an abortion because id never let go of what i did, however ill be ruining his life if i go through with this. i already have a kid i pretty much have raised alone his dad only now is starting to c him. today hes coming over im going to explain to him that i cant give one baby life and take anothers away, that im already a mother, that it has a heart beat and a brain, the umbilical cord is attached to me, i already refer to it as a baby and im not killing it he can be as involved or un involved as he feels capible of he can support my decison or not.

 

Abortion is not the easy way out - it's the hardest way out

by:littlebitwiser

Hello,

I know how you feel. In May I was in the similar situation (I already have two children) and thought I wasn't be able to have another one in my situation.
Well, cut the story short, my baby would've been born in a week's time.
Once I read that the abortion is not an easy way out, it's the opposite... And it is so true. Nobody prepares you for the regret, guilt and pain that follows months after that. Especially if you look at your older one and think how different or similar the baby you have aborted would've been.

Believe in yourself. You will manage, just take day at a time. The baby will bring you so much joy it will be worth it.

I also found this to be very much true:
If you are 100% sure you want the abortion - then abort
If you are 100% sure you don't want the abortion - then don't do it
If you are unsure - then DON'T do it...

I am thinking of you. Hope you can make the right decision. Sending you a big hug!

PS: You and your children are the most important people in your life.

 

I'm just going to say it again

by:kersnickety

I have no idea why my reply keeps getting deleted, but I am putting it here again for the record.

No one has any basis for telling another woman, a woman she does not know and knows nothing about, that "abortion is the hardest way out".

For a woman with an unintended pregnancy who is unwilling to have a child, or is in a situation where she feels it is unwise to have a child or that it would cause hardship (including to the child) if she did, abortion can be the BEST WAY.

There is no *perfect* solution to an unwanted pregnancy -- it is unwanted, but it happened, and the only perfect solution would be if it could "unhappen".

If an abortion is the "easy way out" of an unwanted pregnancy, that is a good thing anyway. Who would choose the hard way out of a situation, ending up in a situation where they do not want to be, when there is a way to avoid that?

Who would do something risky and unpleasant, for a purpose they have not chosen, leading to a result they do not want, rather than avoid doing that by making a different choice?

If messages telling a woman that this will happen and that will happen, if she does what the writer tells her to do, are to remain on this board, then messages pointing out that *no one can say* what is the best choice for another woman, and how any choice will work out for her, must be allowed here too.

No one knows what is the easy way, or the hard way, or the best way, for any other woman to deal with an unwanted pregnancy, or with the problems that an unintended but possibly wanted pregnancy are causing in her life.

Sharing one's own experiences can be helpful to other women. Telling other women that the choice you want them to make -- for reasons that have nothing at all to do with her own well-being -- is not helpful.

No one is every 100% sure of ANYTHING they do in life. Telling someone to make one choice and only one choice if they are not "100% sure" is not helpful either. No one would *never* tell a woman to terminate a pregnancy if she is not "100% sure" she wants a child. Saying that a woman should not terminate a pregnancy if she is not "100% sure" she does not want a child implies that she will suffer dire consequences otherwise is equally unacceptable.

 

I feel exactly the same

I know this was a long time ago, but I was wondering, what did you end up doing? I am in the same situation, although i am a little older and i haven't been dating my boyfriend as long. It would be really helpful to me to hear about how your experience is and what you chose. thanks

 

Wow..same situation. plz read & respond to my forum also

hi. i've read ur post and the replies and im in the exact same situation. its heartbreakin to feel that you have to choose between ur unborn baby and a boyfriend that you love (thats the situation for me). im 9 weeks almost 10 and my baby definately has a heart and is even starting to grow fingers and toes (from what i've researched) so i understand where your coming from. I TO HAVE AGREED TO AN ABORTION in fact my appointment is day after tomorrow (thrusday) but im not sure if i'll be going or not. especially seeing how the clinic doesnt offer the medicine to put you to sleep during the procedure. meaning i'd be woke for the entire thing and in pain. alot of my friends have had abortions and they all say "get put to sleep or dont do it b/c the pain is horrible" they also have admitted they regret it. so i really dont want to put myself in that same situation BUT like you my boyfriend is totally against having a baby right now (b/c of age and finances he says). i personally dnt buy it. i think he just doesnt want to give up his freedom.

everyone keeps telling me i should follow my heart and keep the baby. my friends all say screw my boyfriend b/c he isnt being supportive..BUT THEN AGAiN THEY'RE NOT THE ONES THAT LOVE HIM. i am. you kno?

i guess what im trying to tell you is no one can really tell you what to do. i kno this because i keep searching and asking.hoping someone will just tell me the right thing to do. but no one knows except you..same for me. and im coming to terms with that. THIS IS MY DESICION and unfortunately for me i only have one day to decide (being that my appointment is day after tomorrow)

as of now im still pretty unsure but can honestly tell you after readin all the post and thinkin about how painful the procedure will be..im leaning toward keeping the baby. (im only about 2 1/2 weeks from 3 months and im takin it as a sign that i should just folllow my first mind. if it wasnt meant for me to keep the baby then i would have gotten the abortion along time ago.)

im not 100% but i'll definately be devoting my day tomorrow to makin a FINAL desicion and sticking with it. i cant avoid the desicion any longer.

hope all is well with you.
P.S, i notice you posted this quite a while back. have you made a decsion yet.? if so what was it?
....if anyone has any advice i'd love for you all to read my story and reply to my forum i posted on my profile. thanx

 

I know how your feeling....

Hi there,

I have just read your blog and i could have cried. At this moment in time I am in the exact same situation as you!!!!

I recently found out that I am pregnant (around 7 weeks) and i am torn betweeen what I should be doing.

I'm 19 and my partner is well aware of this situation. We were both shocked to hear of this, but I can't bear to think about an abortion... it hurts so bad right now.

At first we both talked and I thought that an abortion was the best way to go, but now I am regretting even thinking this. My partner believes that an abortion would be the right thing to do rite now, because of our age, financial situation etc etc and like I said I agreed at first, but now I know deep down that I just don't think i can actually get rid of this baby.

All of my friends are saying get the abortion it isnt even a baby it's justa thing in your stomach, but none of them have ever been in this situation before so don't know how it feels.

I havent told my family yet as I dont even no what i'm doing!!! But I know they would be extremely supportive, as early december last year I had a misscarriage, a complete shock as i didnt even know i was pregnant and only a month after this happened my family found out and were absolutley greatly and supportive towards me and my partner.

I will be telling my mum when i pick up the courage which will be VERY soon, because she's my mum. If you can't even tell your mum (you're best friend) things like this, then what kind of relationship is that you know.

I would love to keep incontact with you over what decision you will make. I feel a bit of relief in finding someone in the exact same situation of me and find it very helpful talking to you about this

: ) x x x

 

by:pheonix691

oh my god ive just read your message and im in the same situation, i recently found out im pregnant, about 7 or 8 weeks and im devistated. im only 17 and hes 21. it wasnt planned. my boyfriend wants an abortion for obvious reasons, money, age and the big reason that hes moving away in february to america to do a footbal scholarship. were not staying together as hes going for 9 months . the thought of that crushed me enough as weve been together for over a year but then i get the shocking positive result on my test. we had a huge arguement about it all and i was devistated. he keeps saying its not the tight time because hes leaving which i understand but i honestly dont know if i can go through with an abortion. i already feel protective of the baby and dont think i can get rid of something weve made together. i just dont know what to say to him to make him see it from my point of view. any ideas.? x

 

A guys view

Hi there soconfused

Having read your posts, It sounds like you do want to keep this baby, but I know that the reality of doing that isnt as easy as it sounds on paper.
If it helps, I can give you a guys perspective on this whole issue.
A few years ago, my girlfriend (who's now my wife) was in a similar situation to you. We were younger and I felt I definitely wasn't ready to be a dad; I was overcome with fear and panic. I feel ashamed to say that I wasn't as supportive as your boyfriend, and put pressure on my girlfriend to abort. At the very last moment, she decided she didn't want to go through it and didnt take the tablet.
From my perspective, even though I didnt want a baby back then, her decision not to abort sort of came as a relief. It meant the pressure was off me to make a decision.
As the years have gone by, my feelings have totally changed. Im so so glad that she decided not to abort. If she had, I would have spent the rest of my life suffering from severe guilt and regret.
Looking back, it was the fear and panic that drove me to wanting an abortion, and reading posts on here, I can see that same fear and panic driving others into abortion. However, when that fear and panic eventually leaves the reality of whats really happened suddenly hits home and causes all the regret and sorrow that you hear about. But by then its too late.
If you abort to keep your boyfriend happy, you stand a real chance of ruining your relationship as well as your life as you may feel resentment towards him for putting pressure on you to abort.
As you probably know, that baby inside you already knows if its a boy or a girl, will have dark or fair hair etc. Itll grow old with you both and turn out to be someone youll both cherish.

As others have said, you can still get further education with a child, especialy if you have the support of your family, and extra financial support is available. You're parents will probably be extra chuffed too at the thought of being Grandparents - that's an extra bonus!
I hope this helps and all goes well. All the best to you both.

 

Don`t do it!

Hi,

honestly, abortion is an ireversable process, that needs to be considered very carefully. I had mine(first and only one) last monday and had the exactly same feelings as you while I was pregnant. You sound like you`re a very maternal person, so think of it: a year from now you`ll have a lovely baby, and you`ll realise that having the baby is the best thing you`ve ever done. I had my son quite young, there`s no better feeling than beeing a mother.

Good luck, hope you keep your baby x

 

Sorry my message was sooo long

PS sorry this was soo long, i just had to get it all out. easier to write it down.

i really need help, please reply.

 

..

by:jayx85x

Please don't be bullied into anything. I was literally broken down to the core and mentally I couldn't cope & caved in. Whilst 14 months on I am getting on with life, it still upsets me, and I don't think it will ever go away. I was suicidal at times - ended up off work and on anti depressants, because I did something I really didn't want to do. My thoughts & feelings were very much the same as yours. I was 21 at the time. Going through with it was the BIGGEST regret of my life. He would have been ok in the end, he would have dealt with it and probably embraced it in the end. Whereas I am mentally scarred for life. I know that may seem far fetched, but there is a part of me that will simply never recover from that.

Massive hugs xxx

 

You poor thing

by:scaredandconfused

I'm so sorry for you jayx85x you must be extremely selfless to go through with that when you really didn't want to, and extremely caring and loving at the same time for it to affect you like it has - these are things which make you a GOOD person and I really appreciate your advice.

I'm still not sure what to do. I know that I don't want to have an abortion but I still can't bring myself to say "I'm going to keep it" - I don't want to ruin his life, but I'm also scared of changing my own.

I do feel that if I have an abortion I will too be mentally scarred for life. I just wish it was that easy to decide.

Thank you and good luck

xx


PS Siobahn, thank you for your advice - unfortunately I have read some of your other posts and I will have to take your advice with a pinch of salt, I would hate to be swayed in either direction unless it was absolutely correct for me - it seems sometimes that you have one definitive opinion for everyone. I still appreciate your input - it is nice to have someone talking like I can really do this (have a baby). I think society has a big expectation of young people that they should abort so personally, i appreciate the alternative perspective.

 

Hi

by:mtvstories

I hope you are ok, and think you are incredibly brave for posting your concerns on here. I hope you have had supportive responses.

I work for MTV UK and I am currently doing a lot of research into abortion for a documentary into the real life decisions girls have to make when faced with this decision, and a women's right to choose. This is the information I have found so far, I hope you find it useful:
www.bpas.org
www.mariestopes.org.uk
www.careconfidential.com
www.calthorpe-clinic.co.uk
www.brook.org.uk
www.abortionrights.org.uk
www.lifecharity.org.uk

Bpas is the most informative in my opinion, as it gives a step by step breakdown into what you will need to do to speak about abortions, the decision making process, and what you would need to do if you were to have an abortion. There are also helplines on the website that you can call and get confidential advice.

I understand you currently have a huge amount to think about, but if you would be interested in talking to me about this, I would be happy to do so. The main point of our documentary is to remove the stigma attached to teenage pregnancy and the choices that come with it.

If you are interested please contact MTVStories@mtvne.com. This will be treated completely confidentially and with respect.

Take care and I hope you are ok.

MTV

 

Im going through this exact thing

by:younganunsure

Dear scared and confused,

Im 19 and facing the smae situation right now. My boyfriend also wants me to abort hes 23. I am also pro choice but believe abortions not for me. We were arguing about this constitantly and my decision remains the same. I have decided to keep the baby and gave him the option to stay and be there for me or he can leave. Ofcourse he chose to stay. You are not ruining anyones life right, in fact you are thinking about whats right for you, and theres nothing wrong about that. If YOU!! not your boyfriend want this baby and you are against abortions then you need to follow your gut instinct and do what you think is right. You are the only one who can make that final choice. Just another tip, have your boyfriend go to the doctors with you and I bet once he hears the baby's heart beat or sees it for himself his idea of abortions will deffinatley change.

 

Hope this helps!!

by:shari776

Hi everyone I'm so sorry for your situation, I totally understand what you're all going through with not wanting to ruin your boyfriends life..I'm on the other side and thought i'd just share my experience and I hope so much it helps at least one person out there.
My boyfriend told me repeatedly I would ruin his life and I felt like how dare I make a decision that would make him a dad when he wasn't ready..I felt incredibly selfish and he would say if you cared about me you wouldnt' make me do this which makes you feel so awful!
I DID keep my baby, my boyfriend wasn't there, he wasn't there for 2 months and I felt bad...slightly. The second the midwife handed me my son I couldn't imagine life without him
I'm happy to say my boyfriend saw his son and from the second he saw him it was the same for him too...he apologised so much and has told me repeatedly i made the right decision and now we all live together and he's a wonderful father to our beautiful son.
Only you can decide what's right for you, but dont get rid of a baby you WANT just out of guilt for your boyfriends feelings...

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