Hi Scaredandconfused,

Well the good news is that you dont have to ruin anybodys life. Let me explain. Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely person. Although this baby is not planned, he stepped up to the mark and is willing to support you and his child. Excellent start.

Why do you think that a small beautiful child would ruin his life? Let me share something. When I gave birth to our first son, my husband experienced such love, such an outpouring of joy that he could hardly contain himself. He asked me so often if the child was still breathing (a healthy 9 pounder) that we bought one of those baby monitors which monitor breathing so he could see it blink every time our precious son took a breath.

Today the two of them are inseperable (Liam is 3 years old), they are always cuddeling, end almost every sentance to one another with the words 'mon amour' or 'amour' (French for darling). The thing is that I begged him for YEARS to stop the contraception and have a baby. I really had to twist his arm, and we are such a happy little family now.

Conceiving this child is not your mistake. It is not a mistake at all. If you have intercourse with the same man for 2.5 years, even with contraception, you and your boyfriend risk conceiving - hate to sound smug and point out the obvious, but biologically speaking that is what the act of intercourse was primarily designed for.

I think when you tell your boyfriend that you have changed your mind, that he will be relieved. Forget the femininst notion that you are solely responsible. This child (please, not a 'thing') has a father and a mother, and is unique and unrepeatable.

I think abortion for you would be so wrong on so many levels. If you abort now, there will be no 'making it up to you for the rest of your life'. You could end up hating yourself and him for what ye did, and this is no basis for a future together.

Do everybody a favour, tell your folks they will soon be grandparents, tell you man he will be a father, kick back and relax and enjoy the miracle of the life growing inside you.

If you want to contact me with any more questions, please PM.

Take care

Siobhan

Hello there

I've read some of your posts and they all look so similar to mine.

I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of this week when my period was one week late. I told my boyfriend straight away and he knew straight away that he didn't want a child.

I've been distraught all week because I don't know what to do, how can I force my boyfriend to have a child, especially when It's my fault?? (I forgot the pill and stupidly thought it would be ok) But at the same time I've always been against abortion (I'm pro-choice, just its not for me) and the thought of it makes me cry and cry.

I just don't know what to do. I'm quite a maternal person anyway and I think I'd be able to care for a baby. I'm 20, so I'm quite young but not a teenager and I think I'd land on my feet - I'd just have to. But I can't just decide that my boyfriend has to cope too. (He's 23 we've been together 2 and a half years)

He is about to move in to a new house and said that if i chose to have the baby I would have to move in with him and give up my education (move back home) etc etc - which I'm fine with but when he says he'll support me it never sounds real. I'd be ruining his life.

So now i've said I'll have an abortion because I can't handle the arguing anymore - he's coming down to see my this weekend and I want to tell him what he wants to hear. And there is a large part of me that doesnt want a baby so it wasnt a lie when I said it but I've changed my mind.

I always said that i wouldn't have an abortion any time after the heart started beating but I assumed that would be like after at least 12 weeks or something. I just looked on a website and found that it could well already be beating and if not then almost definately will be by the time I go through with the procedure.

My boyfriend says he will be there for me if i have an abortion, and will "devote his life" to making me feel ok about, but i don't think anything he can do will make me feel better about it. I will always remember that I've done it and it's irreversible.
I will always wonder whether it was a boy or a girl, and whether it would have had a personality of its own (If i was to have another child would it be the same, or a whole separate erson), it could be a genius, or it could be so fantastically beautiful that when people see it they are physically sick with joy! Do you know what I mean?


I haven't told my family because if i have an abortion I DONT want them to know about it. So i dont know if they'll be supportive or not, but they're nice people so i think they'd be there for me.
People keep telling me that it isnt even a real thing yet but I feel like its a potential thing and I don't know what to do. I've spoken to my boyfriend about all of these things - how I feel - but he seems to think that I can be talked out of it with logic to come round to his way of thinking.

And now I've gone and said I'll have it but deep down I don't want to.


What should I do??? I know that reading this it might seem obvious - don't have an abortion if you don't want to - but its like i have to choose between ruining my boyfriends life by having a baby, or ruining my own by having an abortion. I don't feel like I have the right to ruin his over mine.

Please help

Hi there,

I have just read your blog and i could have cried. At this moment in time I am in the exact same situation as you!!!!

I recently found out that I am pregnant (around 7 weeks) and i am torn betweeen what I should be doing.

I'm 19 and my partner is well aware of this situation. We were both shocked to hear of this, but I can't bear to think about an abortion... it hurts so bad right now.

At first we both talked and I thought that an abortion was the best way to go, but now I am regretting even thinking this. My partner believes that an abortion would be the right thing to do rite now, because of our age, financial situation etc etc and like I said I agreed at first, but now I know deep down that I just don't think i can actually get rid of this baby.

All of my friends are saying get the abortion it isnt even a baby it's justa thing in your stomach, but none of them have ever been in this situation before so don't know how it feels.

I havent told my family yet as I dont even no what i'm doing!!! But I know they would be extremely supportive, as early december last year I had a misscarriage, a complete shock as i didnt even know i was pregnant and only a month after this happened my family found out and were absolutley greatly and supportive towards me and my partner.

I will be telling my mum when i pick up the courage which will be VERY soon, because she's my mum. If you can't even tell your mum (you're best friend) things like this, then what kind of relationship is that you know.

I would love to keep incontact with you over what decision you will make. I feel a bit of relief in finding someone in the exact same situation of me and find it very helpful talking to you about this

: ) x x x

Hi there soconfused

Having read your posts, It sounds like you do want to keep this baby, but I know that the reality of doing that isnt as easy as it sounds on paper.
If it helps, I can give you a guys perspective on this whole issue.
A few years ago, my girlfriend (who's now my wife) was in a similar situation to you. We were younger and I felt I definitely wasn't ready to be a dad; I was overcome with fear and panic. I feel ashamed to say that I wasn't as supportive as your boyfriend, and put pressure on my girlfriend to abort. At the very last moment, she decided she didn't want to go through it and didnt take the tablet.
From my perspective, even though I didnt want a baby back then, her decision not to abort sort of came as a relief. It meant the pressure was off me to make a decision.
As the years have gone by, my feelings have totally changed. Im so so glad that she decided not to abort. If she had, I would have spent the rest of my life suffering from severe guilt and regret.
Looking back, it was the fear and panic that drove me to wanting an abortion, and reading posts on here, I can see that same fear and panic driving others into abortion. However, when that fear and panic eventually leaves the reality of whats really happened suddenly hits home and causes all the regret and sorrow that you hear about. But by then its too late.
If you abort to keep your boyfriend happy, you stand a real chance of ruining your relationship as well as your life as you may feel resentment towards him for putting pressure on you to abort.
As you probably know, that baby inside you already knows if its a boy or a girl, will have dark or fair hair etc. Itll grow old with you both and turn out to be someone youll both cherish.

As others have said, you can still get further education with a child, especialy if you have the support of your family, and extra financial support is available. You're parents will probably be extra chuffed too at the thought of being Grandparents - that's an extra bonus!
I hope this helps and all goes well. All the best to you both.

Hi,

honestly, abortion is an ireversable process, that needs to be considered very carefully. I had mine(first and only one) last monday and had the exactly same feelings as you while I was pregnant. You sound like you`re a very maternal person, so think of it: a year from now you`ll have a lovely baby, and you`ll realise that having the baby is the best thing you`ve ever done. I had my son quite young, there`s no better feeling than beeing a mother.

Good luck, hope you keep your baby x

PS sorry this was soo long, i just had to get it all out. easier to write it down.

i really need help, please reply.

Hi Scaredandconfused,

Well the good news is that you dont have to ruin anybodys life. Let me explain. Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely person. Although this baby is not planned, he stepped up to the mark and is willing to support you and his child. Excellent start.

Why do you think that a small beautiful child would ruin his life? Let me share something. When I gave birth to our first son, my husband experienced such love, such an outpouring of joy that he could hardly contain himself. He asked me so often if the child was still breathing (a healthy 9 pounder) that we bought one of those baby monitors which monitor breathing so he could see it blink every time our precious son took a breath.

Today the two of them are inseperable (Liam is 3 years old), they are always cuddeling, end almost every sentance to one another with the words 'mon amour' or 'amour' (French for darling). The thing is that I begged him for YEARS to stop the contraception and have a baby. I really had to twist his arm, and we are such a happy little family now.

Conceiving this child is not your mistake. It is not a mistake at all. If you have intercourse with the same man for 2.5 years, even with contraception, you and your boyfriend risk conceiving - hate to sound smug and point out the obvious, but biologically speaking that is what the act of intercourse was primarily designed for.

I think when you tell your boyfriend that you have changed your mind, that he will be relieved. Forget the femininst notion that you are solely responsible. This child (please, not a 'thing') has a father and a mother, and is unique and unrepeatable.

I think abortion for you would be so wrong on so many levels. If you abort now, there will be no 'making it up to you for the rest of your life'. You could end up hating yourself and him for what ye did, and this is no basis for a future together.

Do everybody a favour, tell your folks they will soon be grandparents, tell you man he will be a father, kick back and relax and enjoy the miracle of the life growing inside you.

If you want to contact me with any more questions, please PM.

Take care

Siobhan

You dont necessarily have to stop your education. Talk to a student advisor at your college, you are definately not the first girl to become pregnant in that school and you wont be the last. You also do not HAVE to move in with your boyfriend straight away. Stop trying to please him above all else, and dont be bullied by anybody.

Courage hun
Siobhan

Please don't be bullied into anything. I was literally broken down to the core and mentally I couldn't cope & caved in. Whilst 14 months on I am getting on with life, it still upsets me, and I don't think it will ever go away. I was suicidal at times - ended up off work and on anti depressants, because I did something I really didn't want to do. My thoughts & feelings were very much the same as yours. I was 21 at the time. Going through with it was the BIGGEST regret of my life. He would have been ok in the end, he would have dealt with it and probably embraced it in the end. Whereas I am mentally scarred for life. I know that may seem far fetched, but there is a part of me that will simply never recover from that.

Massive hugs xxx

I'm so sorry for you jayx85x you must be extremely selfless to go through with that when you really didn't want to, and extremely caring and loving at the same time for it to affect you like it has - these are things which make you a GOOD person and I really appreciate your advice.

I'm still not sure what to do. I know that I don't want to have an abortion but I still can't bring myself to say "I'm going to keep it" - I don't want to ruin his life, but I'm also scared of changing my own.

I do feel that if I have an abortion I will too be mentally scarred for life. I just wish it was that easy to decide.

Thank you and good luck

xx


PS Siobahn, thank you for your advice - unfortunately I have read some of your other posts and I will have to take your advice with a pinch of salt, I would hate to be swayed in either direction unless it was absolutely correct for me - it seems sometimes that you have one definitive opinion for everyone. I still appreciate your input - it is nice to have someone talking like I can really do this (have a baby). I think society has a big expectation of young people that they should abort so personally, i appreciate the alternative perspective.

Dear scared and confused,

Im 19 and facing the smae situation right now. My boyfriend also wants me to abort hes 23. I am also pro choice but believe abortions not for me. We were arguing about this constitantly and my decision remains the same. I have decided to keep the baby and gave him the option to stay and be there for me or he can leave. Ofcourse he chose to stay. You are not ruining anyones life right, in fact you are thinking about whats right for you, and theres nothing wrong about that. If YOU!! not your boyfriend want this baby and you are against abortions then you need to follow your gut instinct and do what you think is right. You are the only one who can make that final choice. Just another tip, have your boyfriend go to the doctors with you and I bet once he hears the baby's heart beat or sees it for himself his idea of abortions will deffinatley change.