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23, i had an abortion 2 weeks ago at 11 weeks pregnant - my whole experience from begining to end.

 

Hi,
I've read through some of the posts on here, and thought I would write what has happened to me, in case anyone can offer me any help or advice, and in case anyone in a similar situation reads it.

I came back off holiday at the beginning of August and was throwing up for a week, food tasted funny, I'd completely gone off alcohol and cigarettes and when my period was late I decided i couldn't ignore it anymore and I got a test, and found out I was pregnant.

I was 22 at the time (unfortunately my birthday was in the middle of all this) and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (he is 25) we live together in a small 1 bedroom flat. Within 5 minutes of doing the test he said he thought I should have an abortion. I never really felt like I had complete support after that to make my decision. He said he would support me no matter what, but after saying that i should have an abortion I don't think I really believed him. He said he wasn't ready, that he was too young. That we didn't have enough money or space in our flat, which is true. But afterward I asked him if we did have money, if we had a house would you have wanted to keep it then...and he said no he would still not have wanted it. As we have been together for 3 years I'm finding his reaction hard to deal with and am starting to hate him.

I went to the doctor and they booked a consultation which because of the NHS waiting lists took 2 weeks. I was offered no counseling, no advice, I had no clue what my options were. The doctor was useless.

I was unhappy with the thought of sitting at home for two weeks not knowing how far gone i was, driving myself insane thinking about it all the time and weeping. So i went to see another doctor who was much nicer, she scanned me and told me i was 8 and half weeks gone. I hadn't missed my first period which they always tell you is the first sign...i actually had a period and wasn't late until my second one! She thought she saw something on the scan that looked like an ectopic pregnancy, but there was one in the womb, so she said it could be a heterotopic pregnancy (very rare but where one baby is in the womb and one is developing in the fallopian tube) I was so scared I was shaking, at the thought that i might have to have surgery to remove the tube. I went over to the hospital and they examined me and had a look at the scans and said it wasn't a heterotopic and it was a cyst (which was, and still is, causing me pain on my left side). So i went home to wait another week for the consultation.

I thought the consultation would be where they give you counseling. The entire NHS system was nothing but a complete let down. I had to go to one room for a scan, they didn't allow me to see the scan as they said it would upset me. I had to go to another room where i was asked if i want the abortion to sign here, then i had to sign another 5 or so times saying I'd been explained the risks, the procedure, that i gave my permission for them to dispose of the fetus. I asked her what that meant; and she told me the hospital had a ceremony with a priest and the fetus was cremated. I asked what happened to the ashes afterward and she didn't know. She booked it for the next Thursday (2 weeks ago yesterday) I wasn't once asked why I wanted an abortion...i was given a sheet of paper with lots of questions on it and it was one of the questions. Having to write it down on paper was very hard. I also think it was very cold and harsh that there was no slight sign of empathy to even speak to me like a human being and ask me. I was also not examined by and asked if i was 100% by 2 doctors, as it says is the law on every website i've read and in newspapers. Then i had to go somewhere else to give blood. Then to another building where I would actually go for the procedure and the procedure was explained again to me.

I felt like I didn't want to have an abortion but I didn't really have any option. I had just left university and had no job, I have no money at all. My boyfriend doesn't make enough to support the both of us let alone a baby as well. We live in a tiny one bedroom flat with no space even for a cot let alone anything else. I didn't think I could support a baby financially, we would have to move, which would be impossible with no money. My parents were not supportive in the slightest, and his parents live in an identical flat. It really seemed like my back was against the wall. I felt like I would have to bring it up alone, he made it very clear he didn't want it. Which really has broke my heart. Because I didn't find out till i was 8 and half, and then the consultation took 2 weeks just to get that i felt like time was running out.

The ward i was on while i was waiting for the abortion was horrible and very distressing. I could hear every conversation the other women were having, I could hear them crying. I had been very scared of the actual procedure it's self, i don't even like needles and had never had general anesthetic before (I had a surgical/suction procedure). A doctor put a tablet inside me to soften the cervix an hour before. I was crying when they took me in to the operating theater, mostly because I was scared, but also i knew i wasn't 100% ok with it. When i came round i wasn't sure where i was or what was going on, i was very confused and scared, i kept asking the nurses if they had done the procedure because i had no memory of it and was confused (when the general anesthetic was wearing off it was like being drunk, not really knowing what was going on) I couldn't feel anything. When they wheeled me back in to the ward and closed the curtain and said i couldn't sit up for half an hour, I started shaking uncontrollably and quite violently, i'm not sure if this is just the anesthetic wearing off, but my boyfriend held me till it stopped.
I was still not quite with it for a while, when I started to feel more 'sober' it dawned on me that it wasn't there anymore, I had been putting my hand on my stomach and knowing it was there was somehow a comfort (even when i knew i was going to have an abortion) and now it wasn't there it felt devastating and I started crying.
They gave me a hot chocolate and a biscuit and then pretty much said you can leave now. I said i want to speak to someone about the cremation...and the nurse looked confused, as though she'd never been asked this before and went and got someone else, who took me into an office. I said that I wanted to know which cemetery it was, and she told me. I said I wanted to go and she said I wasn't allowed as it was against their policy. She was quite sympathetic and kept apologuising that i should have been given all of this information already, she explained that if i wanted to attend any kind of cremation i would have to collect the remains and organise it myself... i couldnt speak at the time as i was too choked up, i thought i wouldnt be able to cope with going to the morgue and collecting the remains in a plastic box. That it would be too distressing. We left and went home.

I burst into tears once i got home. I had cramps, like period pains. So took quite a few painkillers (they wouldn't give me any to take home - they said i would have to buy my own paracetamol) It was ok until i went to bed, they told me you'll just get some cramps, which is all that i expected...i was up until 6am in pain. I wish now that i had rang 999, because i don't think it's right I should have been in that much pain after surgery and only had paracetamol. I felt ok after. but like going to the next room was a lot of effort, i needed to just rest and take it easy.

The first week after was the worst, i didn't leave the flat once. I was in worst state I've ever been in. I kept feeling like I'd left it at the hospital and needed to go and get it, to protect it. It hadn't really all sank in yet. My hormones are still all over the place. I would feel fine all day and then just out of no where burst in to tears and just cry uncontrollably for ages. It bothered me that my boyfriend hadn't really cried at all over it, he didn't seem to be effected at all, like nothing had happened. It feels like I;m the only one going through this. In every other way he seems like a very caring person and is a good boyfriend, he has comforted me and gone to every doctors appointment, but this is really starting to make me resent him.

On Sunday (14th sept) I started to get really strong stabbing pains in my abdomen, I got them for a while and then i noticed lots of bright red blood on my pad. Which worried me as it was 10 days after the abortion. I went to the doctor on Monday and had to go in on Wednesday for a scan and a blood test, the scan showed nothing abnormal though i still have the cyst which i have to go back for another scan in 4 weeks and if its still there might have to have removed with keyhole surgery. I had to go in today(friday) for another blood test and take it straight over to the hospital (which is really close to my doctors) and then my doctor rang me with the results (the blood test was to check my hormone levels i think) she said the results showed my hormones were going down slower than expected and because i didnt have any pain or more bleeding today i dont need to go in to hospital, but i need to go in next thursday for another blood test and she said if i get any more pain at all or heavy bleeding then I need to go in as an emergency. I'm worried. I'm not really sure what it is they're looking for/or think could be wrong...


 

Help for you

Although it appears you are from the UK, perhaps this website will help you. It's from the US, and for women who have had an abortion. It offers help and can answer your questions.
http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and hope and pray that everything will be alright for you.

 

I'm so sorry for what you went through!

I've known I'm pregnant for a week now, and have been goind through hell. My partner's changed completely since he found out I'm pregnant, and has become so hateful and nasty I woke up this morning feeling my only option was to have an abortion; even though I don't feel I could.

My partner is violent, and bullies me in lots of different ways. I love him and have never been able to leave him, but now, after seeing how he has been while I've been pregnant, I realise I don't want to be with him anymore. All though now it's too late.

I've just read through your message and was in tears reading it! I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through, and that your partner hasn't been very understanding. I know how that feels, it's the worste feeling in the world.

It's not your fault though, you didn't have much choice by the sound of it.

I feel trapped myself, I just can't imagine having an abortion at this stage. I'm not even sure how far gone I am, I'm so upset about how my partner's treating me, I've just not felt like going out.

I had an abortion years ago, and have always regretted it; all though at the time I was young and not very far gone, I didn't see the baby as a person back then. I do now, I just don't see things the same. Plus I've always wanted a baby, deep down.

I just wish I was pregnant to a man who cared about me, and loved me.

I hope your test results come back clear, and that you are okay.

If you ever want to talk, I'm here

Carly x

 

Same here

by:clbede

Carly,
I completely sympathize with you because i am going through the same thing. I wish I will be with a caring man than care about me and supported in this pregnancy instead of somebody that bullied me and said nasty things to me while pregnant. I am pregnant myself and my partner has change as well since knowing i am pregnant. We where living together and he has thown me out twice because of this pregnancy topic, arguments. He does not want me to go ahead with this pregnancy and I do not want to go through an abortion again. He has managed to put so much pressure and being so nasty in his mission to get me to have an abortion that i am numb now. I feel I just dont want to get upset anymore, he already called this baby a thing and abomination when he was mad and those comments hurt me a lot.
I still do not know what I am going to do I . I am looking for ajob at the moment and i am sure i will find something soon.
Be strong because I am trying to be strong...
All the best
CB

 

You are the best mother in your babies eyes - he/she needs you to protect and care for him/her...

by:theosmum

It sounds like your situation it a bit crappy at the mo..but I just wanted to say that you are already a mother..you already have a baby, you just can't see him yet..
I had an unexpected/unplanned pregnancy this year, I found out when I was 7 weeks pregnant, and to say shocked, I was completely stunned and felt like I was in a surreal haze, I am happily married, and don't have any children as yet, but I just didn't feel ready to have a baby... in fact this was the first time that my hubby had said that he wasn't worried about having a baby (after wanting one for ages!)...then we found out I was pregnant..oops!

I wanted to go back in time and change it, but I never wanted an abortion, but I can totally empathise with wanting to carry on life as usual..as if the baby was never there..to progress my career, to have time to myself and do what I wanted to do.. I always knew I was too selfish to be mother, that was why we never had any children before..Children deserve all your attention and life..it's not about you anymore..they are your world..and they deserve it, so I wanted to wait until I could provide that..

Anyway...when I was 5 months pregnant we found out I was having a boy... I had such a great desire for a baby girl..I wanted one so much...I actually returned home and cried hysterically..how crazy is that! It felt as if my hope had died..but that was why I found out the sex so I could come to terms with it being a boy and get my head around the idea..

So, Theo is now 8 months old...he has just woken from his nap, so I need to type quickly... he is so beautiful (in fact he is registered with two modelling agencies!) but it has been a hard slog to get to this stage! every month seems to have new challenges..from suffering with two bouts of mastitis (breast feeding), having to have general anasthetic/op to remove a breast abscess that had formed when he was only 5 weeks old, having to care with him during that, and then breast feeding only on one side til he was 5 months old. I could go on, bad ezcema, teething, sleep problems, feeding badly...Babies are really hard..
The worst thing is never having a moment to yourself, always being with them and them needing you...but........


They are a gift, and gifts are always good really....I have found that in life 'if it costs nothing, it means nothing' and 'if it costs everything, then it means everything!'
having a baby costs everything, emotionally, physically and timewise and pretty much everything... but I does mean everything...When theo smiles at me, grabs my face, jumps excitedly when I go to collect him from his nap (btw he has gone back to sleep now! hooray!), laughs at my silly faces, tries to bite my finger when teething, in fact tries to bite everything! bless...
I love him, I love him when he's warm and snuggly just before bedtime, i love him when he looks into my eyes and recognises me and smiles knowingly, I love him when he's drinking his milk and going all sleepy.. i just love him...

I truly hope that you will be able to look past your current difficulties and see the potential for a future with a beautiful baby who loves you unconditionally and needs you to be his/her mum...
Please go with your instinct....if you go against it, you may really regret it, I have read alot of forums/websites about abortion and spoken to friends and I notice that no-one has ever regretted having a baby but it seems around 80% or more regret having their baby aborted.
I never knew how to be a mother, but that doesn't mean i'm not, you do learn as you go, and I'm learning through trial by fire! but I love my baby so much, I would hate to live a nice life and wonder what he would have looked like or done with his life etc..

As Horton the elephant said - even when you can't hear them at all, a person's a person no matter how small..

anyways, I don't want to preach I just want you to have you lovely little baby...single, or together, at uni or not...you seem to already know what your heart is telling you...go with it..

Btw - if you still can't cope, maybe seek some advice from family and friends/counselling etc, you know that you there may also be couple who are desperate to look after your gift (baby) and have to waiting for years for him/her to be born..

 

Cb

by:beherenow1

Hi CB, thanks for sharing your story and sorry to hear what you are going through. See my post to Carly below (or above? I think it will be below ) you may find some words in there that will help you. You be strong too. You don't have to listen to or deal with a guy like that. Just do what is best for you and your child. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Good luck with the job search, the economy is improving! Peace.

 

You can

by:beherenow1

Carly, just read your post on this thread after responding to your thread. I just want to say it again, that you CAN have your baby without this man. People do it all the tim and society accepts it now. Leaving him may be the hardest thing you ever do, but this isn't love, it's just destruction. In a few years, when you and your child are free from abuse and you're living your life the way you want, maybe even with the soul mate you have dreamed of, you will be so happy you did it. Keep in touch!

 

Your experience...

Your experience has really shaken/shocked/moved me?! I am not sure of the correct phrase to use given the circumstances. I am 23 years old and I found out I was pregnant yesterday. Because I am on the mini-pill it's hard to know how far along I am. Worst case senario, i am about 10 or 11 weeks. My Boyfriend reacted in a similar way, we have only been together for about 7 months so i suppose it's different but we already live together, I didnt think that anyone understood how I felt until i read your post, it's comforting to know that I am not alone (because believe me i am terrified) What you said about being pushed into a corner is so right. i am on a temporary contract and my boyfriend is on job-seekers plus we live in a shared house. i don't know how we would cope if we did have the baby, i don't even know if I would want it. The worst feeling is feeling like the decsion has been taken away from me, Thank you for being so brave and posying your experience and thank you for helping me to realise that I am not alone.

Hayley xx

 

Hayley

by:beherenow1

What do you mean when you say the decision has been taken away from you? Is it more the pressure from your bf or the pressure from your circumstances? What do YOU really want to do, deep down? You are definitely not alone; there are many good people on this forum who have been through all kinds of situations and made all kinds of decisions. Tell us more about your feelings, if you like. We're here to help. Best wishes, peace and all good things.

 

I am so sorry...

this has happened to you. Have you been able to get professional help with you coming to terms with your loss?
Would you like professional help with your loss?
Let me know how you are now
Casey

 

Same situation

Hey wow, i feel like we are in the same boat. I concieved july 21 (approx) and my Dr was out of town and made me wait till oct 1 to have my abortion. i have had really really bad pains and giant blood clots, so i went to emerg. I have had ultra sounds and stuff since then, and found out that they didnt get everything out:S So i ahve to go back and do it all again I have pieces left in me that are getting sort of infected, they gave me anti biotics and I go back to the dr tomorrow to find out everything for sure. As far as I know if you ahve what I do it isnt going to cause any perminent damage for having kids when yoru ready, which is my main concern.
hope i helped

 

...

Im over from another forum, i am in shock at how your boyfriend has reacted to it all... i only just hope that he realises how much emtional and physical pain you are going through!

i recently had a baby and i bleed quite heavily for 2 weeks then it eased off and eventually stopped 4 - 5weeks after.

Let us know how ur blood results come out?

hope ur ok xx

 

Abortion

i had a termination at 14 but it never bugged me ,but i am sorry to hear about the pain and hurt you went through and it must be hard i hope it works out in the end,my current bf wants me t have one because we r finished but i deceided i am not having one no matter what i already have two and have no idea how i am going to support this one but i glad for it so i am not giving it up ,i wish all of us have choices and someone to talk to .

 

Marguerite

I also had an abortion at 11 weeks when I was 20 and never have recovered. I did not know about the ceremony that was possible. ... and would like for you to get in touch with me if you need support because your words are so like my words. I am 28 now and feel like I am surviving after the biggest mistake of my life...
Lots love
07597093207xxx

 

Hi

I really dont know where to start. I really feel for you ive had exactly the same expieience with the NHS they are absoloute rubbish with the support they give you. I have regretfully had 2 terminations ill explain it a little then you can get a picture of the situation.

I was 17 when i 1st got pregnant i was on the pill at the time and it failed i was with my 1st ever partner and i got pregnant 1st time i had no clue untill 3 months after when i kept feeling dizzy and really sick and had alot of pain in my belly so they sent me for a scan and they found the baby. Immediatly i phoned my boyfriend who said we can have it but i wasnt going to bring up a child with no money and i still lived with my mum had no support and not a very steady relationship it would be no life for it so i booked in with the NHS for my termination.

I wanted a surgical termination as i knew it would break my heart to see the baby but when i went to my 1st appointment at the hospital they said i had to have a medical termination and they wanted to do a scan the doctor tried on my belly but couldnt see the baby well enough so she had to do it inside me and she really hurt me she was so rough and cold towards me i was sobbing my heart out while she was rumiging around and told me to look at the screen 'thats your baby' she said. she told me to go in the other room whilse i had a white cover over my bottom bit and she sat and spoke to me about all the risks and asked me if i was sure i wanted to kill the child. The way she put it was so heartbreaking to me but i still said yes and took a tablet and was booked into my next appointment at the hospital two days later.

I went to my second appointment at 7.30 in the morning put in a room where i was given two tablets which i had to put inside me. Basically what happens is the tablets force you to go into labour and have contractions and then you have to push the baby out. It was 11.17 when the baby come out after pushing for 20 minutes i had no contact with the nurses from when i came in up untill that point where i had to ring the buzzer for someone to come. The bathroom looked as it was a slaughter house there was blood alover the place which i cleaned myself as they left it like that for ages and i coulnt bear to look at it any longer.I asked just as you did what would happen and she just sed that the baby would be blessed by the priest then placed into the hopital furnice (where all the medical waste goes together) and then that was it i just couldnt bear to speak after that and i left with more pills which got me pregant in the first place.

I wrote a complaint letter to the hospital about the treatment as there was alot of things said which were totally no needed and there reply was 'doctors in this segment have to treat each person with an unsympethetic view as you can uderstand we some some people time after time and do not care about what they are doing so we dont want them to think its a day at the park' which i was disgusted at i wasnt one of them!

After that i changed from the combined pill to the coil which caused a bad infection so i again changed to the inplant in my arm and i gained nrly 5 stone so i had to change again to the mini pill and i thought it was all ok until i got pregnant this year again at 20 yrs old.

I was still under the doctor for depression from the 1st termination and i started to feel really ill and was in bed for 9 days i just had no energy couldnt eat or anything i really thought i was dying i called the doctor to come out to see me he come with a nurse and they carried out some tests and the next day he called me to say i was pregnant. I was so ill so he sent me to the hospital for a scan which showed the baby was 4weeks old but it was strange as i hadnt slept with my boyfriend for about 10 weeks when i told them they said well the baby mustnt be growing as it should be cause i wasnt eating and with all the stress.

Ive never had periods so i couldnt never tell i was pregnant and my doc still dosnt know why i dont have periods and he said i shouldnt be able to get pregnant.

When i told my boyfriend (not the same 1 as before) i was pregnant he hit the roof and blamed it all on me and over the few weeks of me awaiting a letter for the hospital he hit me, cheated, kiked me in the stomach id just never seen that side before, my hope of having the baby faded away as i couldnt have a baby with a man like that!

I got a loan and went and had a surgical abortion privatly as i couldnt face the NHS doctors again.

What im trying to point out in all that is that the NHS are crap and no matter if you complain or anything they still think they are right.

Some doctors dont have a clue sometimes

Look at the way my boyfriend reacted he even sent me texts the day i went for the termination saying he wishes we were both dead it just shocking men dont know how to react sometimes i havnt spoken the the man since february i never even rang to say it was over he just never text and rang me and i didnt either. I would say talk to your boyfriend while you can because i still havnt got closure on why i was treated like that when i had done nothing wrong and i wouldnt want anyone to not have the chance like me cause it tears you apart.

When the docs say go to the hospital to you if you have any problems its only a precaution because if he didnt say that and something did go wrong then they will be in trouble they say it to everyone dont worry.

the last thing ill say is that if your feeling really down go and see your doctor about it they can help,talk to your boyfriend,maybe write a little letter explaining your feelings and leave it lying around so he reads it that will save explaining it can help to let your feelings out that way i did it and it really helped.

Lastly dont worry your not alone im sorry this is long but i just wanted you to know your certainly not on your own xx

 

..

by:chantelle48

i dont even no were to start your storys are so sad and yet use are so brave to do it!
im 18 and found out i was pregnant at 9weeks. im 11 weeks now and have an appoinment at hospital on the 23rd(nov).

My boyfriend and i have only been seeing eachother 5month and he is indian and obviously believes in different things like no sex before marraige etc.. as soon as i told him he said he wanted an abortion and thats all he went on about for a full week straight. he lied to me and said that he told his parents and that they give him options but when i found out he was lying i didnt know what to do! my family are behind me but i know that i would struggle! im still undecided about the abortion but i dont want to go through it without him? i dont feel like i can talk to him without him saying get rid off it but all i want to do is cry. im really stressed and i dont want to talk to my family. im still at college and still have a few year to go before i can reach my goal and im already half way through it. i probably dont even make any sence but i actually dont know anymore :'(!

 

Hi

by:beherenow1

Hi Chantelle and thanks for sharing your story! Don't worry, you are making perfect sense.

Your bf doesn't believe in no sex before marriage, doesn't he? He sure believed in it 11 weeks ago!! Sorry, I don't mean any offence by that. My point is only that he's not being logical and you can do the right thing, with or without him.

My mum was in the same situation as you, about the same age and unmarried when she fell pregnant with me. It was a struggle but with some help from family, she and I made it, and life is good.

You have doubts about this and it needs to be taken seriously. Most women suffer from feelings of regret after abortion, sometimes severe. But you almost never hear about anyone who regrets keeping their baby.

Check out the facts on how the baby develops at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoisqOGQIVE

Also check out www.careconfidential.com (UK), optionline.org (US) for reading material that might help you sort things out, free phone or chat advice, and referrals to in-person counselling. Or anywhere in the world. go to http://www.heartbeatservices.org/connections/worldwide-directory .

Best of luck to you no matter what happens, and do keep in touch. Will be thinking of you. Peace!

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