Ive discovered i'm pregnant but my husband wants me to have an abortion-pls read!!!!

Me and my husband have only been married a year and the last 6mths has been a nightmare, I found out my husband had been having an affair but he begged me to give us another try. I found it so difficult because he still speaks to the other women beacuse of work. For the last 6mths he says he loves me and Im his best friend but hes struggling toget back 'those feelings'. (we had a very intense relationship and he kind of put me on a pedestal)
Anyway Ive just found out im 5 weeks pregnant!! Before all our problems started my husband always went on about being desperate for a baby and how i would make a great mum-even when we'd only been together a few months!!
When I told him I was pregnant his reaction couldnt of been any worse!!!! He even asked if I had done it on purpose as a solution to our problems- i have never felt so alone and disgusted that he was so unsupportive.
I told him that I wasnt going to force him to be with and ended it with him. Again he begged me to give us another chance but there is no way we can have this baby as it wouldnt be fair on either of us. He argued that we are not secure and I have recently lost my job.
He wants me and him to start afresh, go on holiday and pretend we have just met etc etc-but is adament we cant have this baby and talks about supporting each other. I cant help thinking:
a) why would somene so keen on children be so adament on not having this baby?
b) he will only support me if I go along with what he wants?
c) if he wanted to be with me he would of made more effort over the last few months?
d) he's only thinking about himself and what he wants and having a baby will force him to stay with me so he doesnt look bad?
e) the only reason he's being nice and helping me find a job is to ease his own conscious and make him feel less guilty?

Part of me thinks it would be wrong to have a child, i have no job and potentially on my own with an unsupportive family and would i just be having the baby to spite him?

Any advice or comments would be greatful as I havent spoken to anyone about it!! THANK YOU xx

What about the other part?

So part of you thinks it would be wrong to have a child, but what about the other part? Hun, if you are pregnant, then it is NEVER wrong to have your child. Never Never Never. Your child is already in the world. Yes he or she has a very flakey dad, who needs to grow up at least10 years in the next 8 months, and I really dont envy you your position. The fact remains though that your baby is the innocent party, so why should he or she die because you are having relationship difficulties?

Your man is a real dreamer, and would have you play 'lets pretend' for the rest of your life. You have to be the grown up here. Dont think of the baby as a weapon to be used to 'spite' him or 'make him feel guilty' or 'make him stay with you'. Think of the baby as a human being, your child who you will love no matter what, no matter what life throws at you, with money, without money, with a supportive husband, without a supportive husband. Connect your beating heart to your baby's beating heart and dare to hope that you will manage, because You Will. Actually. Manage.

There is every chance that when your baby is born that this will be a wake up call for your dreamer husband. Brilliant dads have been formed from far worse material. Of course you still have trust issues to work out, but if he turns into a great dad, that covers a multitude. It sounds like he does not know his own mind right now, and I would counsel you to be very patient with him until your baby is born.

My advice? Ignore all threats and abuse and bull from husband until baby is born, and see how hubby shapes up and then decide whether you want to keep it.
(it = your marriage).

Be not afraid
Siobhan

What is your heart telling you?

Hi chick,
Thanks for posting and for sharing your difficult situation. It sounds like you have had a really difficult time this year, and the man who you have married sound like he is a lost sheep at the moment who is looking for something.
The first thing that struck me when reading your message was how he wants to feel that spark again. I think that is a little naieve on his part. When looking at what a true relationship is, those feelings sometimes only appear once in a while. Sometimes, if stress gets in the way, or if one of you is depressed, they can go entirely for ages, until equilibrium is restored, which is why the 'for better for worse' part exists.
Although at first butterflies and sparks are all abounding, as a relationship goes on, and we deal with our own frustrations in life, these things can get in the way of having the perfect marriage. We can't always have the other half as the entire focus of our lives, and then when things get a little fraught, or we don't spend so much time with each other and our minds are elsewhere, it's very easy to blame the other person for our own inadequacies ie: i'm not feeling 'in love' and it's because of you, when really, we are not happy ourselves. I'm in this exact situation myself. I'm an anspiring author, and it's my entire focus - even with a baby girl (6 months) and we've been married one year, until I get this book out of my system, I can't relax and really focus on my marriage.

Now, this is the crunch, as we speak, your baby is developing. Fact. Your husband wants to change the fact that the baby is there. Fact. Now your decision is to think and even to predict / prophesy how your heart will be, in the future, when you are happy in yourself. Will you be able to love your baby? Did you always want to be a mum or if you weren't the broody kind, (as I wasn't), do you trust your body enough to let yourself develop into a mother?

For me, when I found out I was pregnant, I was in a state of shock, and not entirely happy in my own marriage - as you can see, I'm very preoccupied, I wondered how I would manage. However, I know when the dust is cleared, and when our relationship becomes good - or not as the case may be, when I am on form, I am a brilliant mother, the best in fact. And I don't doubt my own ability.

Money is of course an issue, but in our country, there are ways and means. I mean, even if you were single and without employment, you would be given a house and income support. You could manage.

If I was in your shoes, I would try to think about things without your husband in your mind. think from you instead of what he wants, and think about your child loving you and giving you the love you really need, because when that bond starts growing, and they need you when they are poorly, and they only want you, there's no other feeling like it in the world.

Sorry if this is overcomplicated, too long or too pushy. I've just seen too many girls on here who are being pushed into something because their men are treating them like crap, and it's time for girls to believe in themselves and their capabilities.

Think of yourself first

I am so sorry for your situation. And I wish your husband was more supportive for you.
You need to think very hard about what you want to do, and what is best for YOU. After all, if you go ahead with the pregnancy, you are the one who will be raising a child, so you need to be sure you want to do so, possibly even alone. If you feel you cannot go ahead with having the child, then you need to think and go speak to your doctor.
Whatever you do will not be easy. Raising a child is hard, but so is ending a pregnancy, even if it is the better solution to the situation.
Also, do not have a termination just because your husband wants you to, and because you think it may save the relationship. You may end up resenting him.
I wish you all the very best, and am sorry my advice is not very good (I'm rubbish at advice and explaining what I mean). I do hope things work out well for YOU. Always look after yourself first.
Take care, xx