Please read - can't cope after abortion

Hi everyone,

I had an abortion just over four weeks ago now when I was around 8 weeks pregnant. I didn't want the abortion but really it was for the best, my boyfriend and I are too young for that kind of responsibility and although we always used contraceptions accidents happen and we had to deal with it.
He was definetly against keeping the baby and I convinced myself if was the absolute right thing to do and so I went ahead and had a medical abortion.
First of all I never expected it to be so painful! Although the bad pain only last a couple of hours no one warned me it would be like that so I was convinced something was wrong with me...but within a few days the cramps and bleeding had died down.
I was ok emotionally for the first few days, kind of relieved, still upset but aware that I had done the best for all involved.
However for the past couple of weeks I have felt absolutely terrible. I feel so guilty, I spend hours and hours crying at a time and feel completely lost. I can't eat, sleep, concentrate. I decided to see the doctor for some help, I hate being so unhappy. The doctor referred me to a BPAS counsellor where I had my abortion and thats tomorrow. I just hope it helps.
Every day is a struggle, I feel like I can't cope and have so little support. The only people I told were my mother (who I don't feel able to talk to about this ongoing depression) and my boyfriend. My boyfriend has been acting funny with me the past few days and I know I've pushed him away a bit and have been emotional and upset alot of the time but surely he can realise why? I've gotten to the point where I can't even talk to him, I'm convinced he'll dump me. I put on a facade everytime I see him, pretend I'm coping and this just makes things worse when I'm alone- I completely breakdown.

I have never felt distress and regret like this. I know that if I had continued with the pregnancy my boyfriend and I probably would have ended up separating...I did what I did because I chose him and love him that much. I don't think i could have done it on my own.
I really truly do regret it now though, I don't know how to go on. How has everyone else coped? Does the guilt and shame ever stop?

Please help

Please read - can't cope after abortion

Hi Aimeelou
How are you doing?
casey

Please read - can't cope after abortion

Hang in there girl, help is coming your way. Stay in touch
Casey

3 days since my abortion

hi hunni, i just wanted to say that i no exactly what you are going through. 3 days on since my abortion i can hardly look at my boyfriend. i cant stop crying because i feel such a loss. my boyfriend is really trying to make me happy and keeps asking what he can do to make things better. i just cry and tell him that he cant give me back what ive lost. im so cold and distant with him and it kills me because i love him so much, but if he loved me like he says he does then how could he make me have an abortion. yesterday he was telling me how selfish i was for wanting the baby when we arent in the right situation for it. i do realise it wasnt the right time but i feel so much pain because of the abortion. i truely regret it. i just feel like i want to die just so i dont have to feel this way anymore. my boyfriend was pestering me for sex this morning before work, 3 days after my abortion, i told him risks of infection etc, but the truth is i never want to have sex again. i feel like ive ruined my whole life. i just want my baby back. my boyfriend suggested conselling but i really dont think that will help.. i really dont know what to do anymore. i just sit around crying all day, i feel so lost. i dont know where to go from here. nothing seems to matter anymore.

First time for an abortion

hi i totally understand where u are cuming from my husband told me i had to choose between him and the baby i am carrying im 8 wks on tuesday i have booked a docs app to get my referral to have an abortion i really wanted to keep this baby but i dont want to loose my hubby i know i will regret this for the rest of my life i love my husband so much i knew we could not afford another right now but deep down i knew we could i live in a town where i have no help and support all my family live 4 hours away so i feel so alone most pf my friends dont like mu hubby now cause wat he is making me do i dont believe in abortion unles they are really needed and i thought i would never have one in my life can u gives sum things that u cant do after u have one ... send me a message to georgous_green_eyes@hotmail.co m

my name is kylie
i have two children

Counselling

hi alonelygirl, I really really think counselling would help you. It can't hurt, anyway. Being able to talk through your feelings with someone who's trained to help people will help you get through this. there IS hope and there IS healing, no matter what you are feeling right now. take good care and keep in touch!

its wed and i had an abortion on mon. i have just kicked my boyfriend of 4 years out of the house because i cannot cope with the way i am feeling and seeing him. i already have a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, so i have to hold it together for her. its so hard, the guilt is unbearable. i know it was for the right reasons but it wont make this pain go away. i feel so emty now like part of me is missing. i cant stop thinking about what happened tp my baby after abortion. i know its not healthy to think like this but what do i do. i caught my boyfriend in bed with his ex just over 2 months ago aqnd i was still struggaling to cope with that. he didnt want the baby, said it would be selfise of us in our current state. i know in the end it was my desicion and i feel like now i willl live with that guilt forever, but i cant forgive him either, we are not kids. i can only hope it gets better. we all had our reasons, and they were more than likely valid. i hope time is a healer for us all.

I no how u feel

my situation is vry similar to your apart fron i had a surgical termination the only person i told was my partner, and i feel i made my decision based on him. just ova a week ago.my boyfiend seems to be coping well he feels bab that i feel bad if that makes sence he says that he wishes he could be going through it for me, but i feel like he jus wants me to feel ok and things go back to normal. its not that i dont want that i do im jus struggeling to get there. ive been thinking bout going to the doctors to see about getting some help.but i dont no. im fine during the day i keep my self constanly busy all the time it when i let myself stop is wen i jus break down, im not sleeping and wen i do finally get to sleep for a couple of hours it jus because i've exorsted myself from crying.

Sorrow

I just told my newly i guess ex boyfriend that i was indeed pregnant. My parents thought that it wasn't a good idea for me to tell him and I told him today almost a month and a half later. I truly love him but I was so unhappy when i found out that I was pregnant Im in college. He took it ok, he didn't call me any names but I have hurt him deeply i would do anything to make things work between us I think about the abortion everyday. I know that i did not want to bring a child into the wolrd where the mother and father may not be together forever, i want my child to have the best and know that having a child now would not allow me to give my child the life that it would have deserved. I tell myself that i have sacrificed the life of my child for my own and for the siblings it would have had to come , if God still permits me to have children, I feel that neither I nor the father could have loved that child as much as God can and I know that my innocent child is in heaven. I was a child born out of wedlock and was fortunate enough that my parents were able to stay together and get married but not all children are that lucky. I would not have wanted to bring a child into a wolrd of drama and uncertainty. There is no room for regret, whats done is done. Now, it is time to forgive yourself and love yourself i will always be shameful of what i have done and a little guilty but life goes on and i vow to make and live the best life that i can because i gave up my child in order to make a better life for my children to come.

I was going to be a grandmother till the abortion

Hy I wander if you are better? My daughter 19 just had an abortion. She does not seem oK. I think she did it for her boyfriend, cause he did not want to have a baby. As her mother I am so sad. I think it was a OK choice of hers but I feel or wander if she knew from my prception that it would have been OK to have the baby too. I think I did not emphazise on the not having the abortion enough. Now today she crys every day..........I wish she did not have the abortion. As her mother I wander if I should have been more there for her decision. I hope she will be OK eventually I hope that you are OK it will give me hope for my daughter.
It seems to me that men are so not into having babies no matter how old they are.
Martine from canada

Advice!

Hi there,

First of all, abortion is not easy, even if you have made the choice for all the right reasons, you will always convince yourself it was a 'bad' choice at some stage.

A lil bit about my story... i am 22 and when i was 20 i was with my partner for a year it wasnt the 'best' relationship but i thought i loved him. I accidently got pregnant, and when i told him he confessed he secretly had 4 other children by 4 different women, that he had managed to keep secret! (how silly am i huh!). So i decided i had no choice but to abort, if i'd have kept it, i would have been adding to his army of single mothers, i would have continuosly had an attachement to this man and i would never have a propper family. So i paid to have a private abortion. I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Angry for having to abort.. as i'd been against abortions till that point.

The guilt does go away, it may take a while depending on how emotionally stable you are but it will!

What i found helped, was to not focus on the negatives... what good is that?
Focus on the reasons you aborted...

A quote i quite like is from Tony Blair '' However much i dislike the idea of abortion, you should not criminalise a woman who in very difficult circumstances makes that choice''.

Remember, you are a stronger person for aborting, the easy thing to do is to have the baby and live with the mistakes that follow. Isn ... best to abort and prevent a child from having a troubled life and regret that? than having a child and regretting it ?

Sometimes, it is nice to have a 'memorial'. The trouble with abortion is, it is a death, and when people die we have funerals and graves to visit to grieve. With an abortion you have nothing. I bought a ceramic cherub from a garden centre, which is in my garden now i engraved the date of the abortion on the bottom as a memory.
Sometimes this can help you to come to terms with the loss.

I hope my suggestions have been of help and i wish you all the best in the future.

things do get better!

x

Hi

Hello,

I don't know if you still read the messages here, but I suppose you're doing fine by now. Even if it's something you'll never COMPLETELY get over. But know this: I'm 13 weeks pregnant, my appointment for an abortion was booked for yesterday and when I got there, I cancelled and rescheduled because I know inside that I want the baby and don't want to have an abortion. Now I have until next Tuesday to decide. I don't want to have the abortion because I'm scared to feel the way you have. In fact, I know I'll never get over it. I'm a very emotional person and I know that it'll take a lot for me to get over it, but I won't. I know myself all too well. Reading your post, I realize that I'm not wrong, I WILL feel that way, because an abortion would be doing something that I don't want to do.

So even if you still feel nostalgic about it and what not, the least you can do is know that you've helped somebody else in the world. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, thank you.

Wish you all the best,
Jennifer

i understand how most feel,
i had my termination only 3 days ago and the regret and guilt has been here since the moment i had it done.
like others my boyfriend didn't want children, we're both young so i understand but i feel right now i'd give anything for the "baby" back.
the worst thing for me is seeing my boyfriends neice who is only a few weeks old and having to pretend i'm ok sitting there with her.
i hate the way i feel and i'm starting to feel hatred for myself now.

it's making me feel better that a lot of women understand what i'm going through, unlike doctors or family who just say "you'll get over it"
it's not something you can get over easily.

Thanks

Thankyou all for your help and support. It's so nice to talk to other women who have felt what I'm going through and understand the pain. It means alot to hear about your experiences- even everything we feel is negative!!

I saw my counsellor today and honestly she was very good. I didn't expect to be able to talk to someone, as I tend to get very emotional, but I found that I could for once say what I needed to say! I was very honest and told her about my relationships problems as well and how little support I have- she recommended that a good hug and some attention would help, which was exactly what made me feel a little better.

Although I still feel terrible and I recognise that I will never get over this completely it has definetly helped to talk to someone. We can't change the past but we can look to the future even if everyday is so painful.

I'm trying to be much more positive, for myself and no one else. I don't want to ruin my whole life and although I regret my decision terribly I must learn to live with it.

Thanks again xx

Hi hunny

God, I feel so sorry 4 u pet.

I had my abortion on april 14 2008, have I gone over it?NO! I don`t think i ever will.But what I did fing helpfull was actually seeing a LIFE COACH rather than a councelor. I did try counceling, it was rubbish, she kept on asking me all thins questiones that actualy made me feel WORSE! My life coach though, she is so lovely and so positive, she helped me get out of a deep depression, so I now live my life again. I will never forget my aborted child, but that`s done now. We have to start thinking of ourselvs and our well being. In regards to your other half, it sounds like he doesn`t deserve you. there`s lots of men out there, i`m sure you cn find a man that could, it pregnancy happnds look after you and the baby. I`m not getting the impression like your man is mature enough to be in a proper relationship.

Hope you start feeling better soon
xxx

Hiya hun

I am now 21 and had an abortion at 16 and i totally know how u feel and even 5 years on i still dot hink about it. i dont mean to scare you but its something that will be with you for the rest of your life. I wish i had kept the baby as i got pregnant again 6 months after the abortion and now have a beautiful little girl as i couldnt go through all that again. the worst time is when i approach the date i would of been due or would have been my babys birthday and thats when i tend to remember it more. but i have learnt to deal with it in ways and you will too it just takes some time. it helps if you have someone to talk to and something to get on with in life eg work. as if you just sat in on ur own all day, thoughts that you try to put to the back of your mind tend to creep forward. but trust me give it time and you will be fine. best wishes to you hun.

xxxhugzxxx

Hi

Well I am 4 months after my abortion and I am sorry to say I still feel the guilt....
I have managed to pull myself together and can now look at other babies and talk my partner.
The biggest regret I have is not taking up the help offered by my doctor you need to talk and keep talking.... if you want to PM me I am happy to talk to you!
xx

Hi

Hi there,

I had an abortion yesterday and to be honest I don't feel any different.

I think that women being all different people have a variety of different emotions and no one person will ever be affected in the same way as someone else.

I might feel differently in time... early days.

I think that my emotions were helped though by the fact that I already have 2 children. I think it would have been a lot harder and played on my mind more if I had no children at all as I may have wondered what it would be like to be a mum.

I now know what it's like to be on both sides of the decision. I was faced with the possibility of abortion with both my children and decided against it and am glad for it now but to be honest if I had gone ahead I wouldn't have known any different like now. The abortion I have had now, I will never know what could have been and somehow for me that makes it slightly easier.

If you're really affected by it I would try talking to someone, maybe get a refereral from your GP. Talk to people like you are now in your position. The main thing is to vent. There's nothing worse than keeping it locked up inside. I had the chance to talk about it to my partner although that seemed hard at times and finally stomached telling my mum and was quite pleasantly surprised that she didn't just hurl lectures at me.

Hope you feel better in time, you'll never forget but it is ok to get on and enjoy life. x

Hi

Hi everyone,
I had my abortion almost 2 months ago and it had been so hard for me since then. When i actually found out i was pregnant i was so shocked but at the same time i felt happy inside, i never ever thought i would have had an abortion, but when the time had come for me to tell my boyfriend who i have been with just over a year and my family they all told me that abortion was the best thing for me to do as i am only 16. My boyfriend is the same age and he told me that it was best if i have an abortion as we both are unemployed as we have just left school and are not stable enough to bring a child into the world. All my mum could say to me was how she wanted me to enjoy life first and do something with my life rather then have my child because she knows how hard it was for her when she had myself at a young age, i couldn't belive that everyone that was close to me was telling me to have this abortion when they knew that i wanted to keep my baby. The more they went on at me about the abortion the more i started to belive it was the right option for me and a few weeks later i was booked in to have my abortion. I'll never forget that day because i soon as i took the tablets i knew i had made the wrong desicion. It was the worst feeling in the world when i left the hospital without my baby inside of me. Although i have alot of support at home off my family and my boyfriend i am finding it extremely hard to cope, i havn't been able to forgive myself for what i have done, especially knowing it wasn't what i wanted to do, i feel that i should have listened to myself and the baby i so despartly wanted to keep would still be inside of me now. If anyone could give me adivise i would be so grateful.
Thanks x

Changed my mind about abortion

I Was Thinking About Having An Abortion But I Changed My Mind And Kept My Baby!
I Can't Imagine How People Feel That Have Had One. I Personally Couldn't Have Moved On So I Didn't Go Through With It
Basically I Just Had 2 Comment Alot Of Girls Say They Had Abortions Cos Of Their Boyfriends And Family.
But Surely If A Man Was Decent Enough He Would Wanna Keep His Own Baby, Just A Thought? I Would Never Have An Abortion 2 Suit A Man No Matter How Much I Loved Him.
I Hope You Can Get Over This, As You Have Your Whole Life Ahead Of You 2 Have Children. The Scary Thing About Abortion Is It Is Final And There's No Going Back.
You Have 2 Look 2 The Future Or You Would Drive Yourself Mad
x