I am 42, married to the same man for 24 years and we have two children, aged 15 and 7. I came off the pill last August as I had been on it for 23 years and just didnt want to pump my body with any more pills. Since before August, I have felt broody on and off and have joked with my husband and older child about having another baby. My husband has varied from not wanting to discuss it, to going along with my dreams, to even coming up with names. I suppose I played with fate every month with my perfect 28 day cycle and last month it caught me out. I am now five weeks pregnant. When I told my husband, he made it clear that he really did not want another child and would rather I had an abortion. However, he did say that if my wish to have another child was stronger than his wish not to, he would go along with that decision and support me.

My problem is that I have been hit on the head with a big sledge hammer of reality. We are still not financially clear of a mortgage and other debts - although we both work full time, so manage each month. We are in a big crowd whose kids are all now 10 years plus, and we have a really good social life. My friends all think I am completely mad for wanting another baby ( they dont know I am actually pregnant). They are looking to "their time now" and I know it would be difficult to be part of the crowd with a little baby in tow.

I am just thinking now, why did I push it this far? Having another baby will mean we will be raising another child for another 17 years, whereas in 10 years time we would have been independant. Childcare will cripple us again - we are only just recovering from our younger child's fees.

Another major concern is that I had pre eclampsia and an abrupted placenta last time around ( because my dad was dying throughout the whole time I was pregnant) so I ended up having my younger child at 26 weeks, which was all very stressful.

I do think I missed out on my full term pregnancy last time - I really enjoy being pregnant, the waddling stage, etc - so I do know that made me play with fire this time.

I just think now that I have been selfish and stupid - I am 42 and my husband is 48 - I never even considered his age - but he will be 60 with a 10 year old child!

He says he wants to relax when he gets in from work nowadays, and is looking forward to weekends away and pottering around in the garden. I, on the other hand, dread getting older and have always always enjoyed having my children around and dread the thought of an empty house without them.

Please help - should I go with my heart or my head? I keep transporting myself in the future 10 years and thinking I will be an old mum, and my husband will be even older. i think there is nothing sadder than two old parents on holiday with a young bored teenager.

I am sorry - when I read this - I know my feeling sound really selfish and trivial

Hello lozzas!
I read your post and felt like I would like to respond to you.
I just got through my first (and hopefully last) abortion last week. I am 28 years old, trying to finish my PhD, off from work for the next year if not more in order to focus on my studies, and I have been with my partner for 5 years. We were thinking about having kids so I got off the pill, thinking that this could happen in about 6-8 months. However, 6 weeks after being off the pill, I got pregnant. I had just received various vaccinations that were at risk of being harmful to the foetus and as the reality of having a child really hit home, it seemed like this whole idea was a bad one from the get go. We decided, sadly but realistically, to go ahead with the abortion. We are both sad that we got pregnant, but not sad to have gone through the abortion.
I don't think you are being selfish in considering the pros and cons of having a child. You obviously have experience in the matter, you know what the roles and responsibilities of having a child entail. I think you would be selfish not to ask yourself these questions. As for the final decision, you still have time to think about this so try not to rush into making a decision. I think you have raised all the good points about having a child. However, it seems to me like part of your doubts come from "what are people going to think?" i.e. your friends, people who would see you and your husband on holiday, aging with a bored teenager. I am just wondering if you should let that be important factors. I have a lot of friends who have older parents and everyone seems to be fine. As for what your friends would do, well, of course, having a child would change your social life, but it would expand it in a way that may compensate for what you may lose from your current social life.
I have spoken to a lot of specialists about this and they have all told me that the decision need to be clear in the mind of the person before she goes through with it, because there is nothing worse than sitting on the fence. Also, the decision has to be yours (i.e. no pressure from anyone) and if your husband knows, he has to support it, so that resentment has less of a chance to set in.
Anyways, I hope I helped a little bit. I feel for you and my heart is with you. I don't wish on anyone to have to make such a decision.
Be brave, listen to your inner voice and trust your judgement.
emjay6

Dear emjay

Thank you for your reply - I have read your other postings on this site, so know you have thought long and hard about your decision - and I am glad that you have come through it.

I have had a few more days to think about my decision, and I have booked an appointment with a counsellor next Friday and the actual abortion on the Saturday. Part of me still can't believe that I will be able to go through with it. My husband is doing and saying all the right things now, and agreeing with each decision I make, which vary from keeping it through to having the termination.

I think you are right that I am worried about what people will think of us - I have always been like that and have found it very inhibiting - but I don't think I can change. I am also very worried about the financial side of bringing up a child, and although there is more help from the govenment now - ie free nursery places for three year olds - because my husband and I both work, we are always just outside the threshold for any sort of tax credit help. This will mean that I will not have the money to spend on our other two children, particularly my eldest who will be 16 this year. We always seem to be short of money to treat the kids now, so another baby will mean we have to really cut back. I keep trying to tell myself that a new brother or sister will last forever but I know I will hate being skint again.

I do also wish that I hadn't seen another baby as the answer to a life that was moving towards a new child free era - something that I have always dreaded because it means we are getting old. I realise now that a new baby will hold us back, both financially and socially. Unfortunately, I have had all these thoughts since getting pregnant and know that I have been irresponsible and foolish to think that I could play with the rose coloured dream of being pregnant.

When all is said and done, I also know that this is my last chance to experience pregnancy again, and if it wasnt for the money, I think in my heart of hearts I would go for it again - as I know this is definately the last baby and know that I would be happy with that.

Hello: I read your post and can relate. However I am 35 and have 2 young boys. I am stuck about what to do as I am 7.1 weeks preg.
My husband only wanted one child. I pushed for the second and this pregnancy was a TOTAL suprise. He is really unhappy about this and we keep going back and forth. He has really been abrupt and somewhat mean in his responses. I just cry. I am worried about our relationship. I have to decide soon. He has pulled away and is really quiet....does not even cuddle at night. He is nice but not the same. I don't want to live like this for the next 20 years. I don't know what to do? Any advise?